Name: Ranking Asian Countries
Uploaded: 2024-11-07T19:30:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ranking Asian Countries' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ranking Asian Countries' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

can you explain to me what happened at the crusades because i don't know
anything
whenever like i talk to no honestly whenever i talk to people about religion
and they go why
don't you believe in god i go i always say oh the crusades just as a blanket
blanket statement
right and then they go oh yeah that's right you know i mean i just kind of move
on but i don't
even really know what i'm talking about it's the religious war the christians
versus the muslims
oh so is that what happened that was it big time they fought a lot over ancient
turkey the the you
know christianity thought that their religion was the best turkey uh muslims
thought theirs was you
know what the interesting thing is about who won the crusades uh nobody re
really knows i mean i
would say really kind of the christians but that's because but i have christian
tattoos all over my
body i'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade wow okay yeah yeah and
yeah yeah we're going up
against the church of latter-day saints tomorrow that's our match oh yeah i'll
be winning yeah thank
you yeah um but uh you know what was interesting is i read a book about it and
they said that
you would think that the muslims right because you hear like these things like
oh it's a very
racist thing right now to be like oh you'll hear like oh you do muslims dirty
whatever that's all
that's all such a bullshit bullshit it's a racist thing all the muslims i know
are clean no no right
because because it's because it's reverse racism because because what would
happen is is actually the
muslims were so well uh was so educated so hygienic they had science hundreds
of years before the
christians christians came in kind of gangly disgusting they the muslim people
said they
could smell the christian army coming from miles away because they were dirty
filthy heathens right
where muslims were high science education astronomy astronomy yeah all that
dancing with the stars
yeah yeah they did it everything wow yeah they had it all yeah podcasts yeah
what did the muslims invent
back then that we still use today without the muslims what would we not have
algebra that's huge the
arabic it's a big one numeral the numeral our numbers arabic numbers oh okay
let's go let's just
zoom in yeah hospital muslims invent coffee caught bro look at this every time
allah i was thank you
allah every time i take a sip i say praise be it allah yeah there's another one
algebra is huge hospitals
bro toothbrush dude really disgusting teeth yeah because look at the english deodorant
yeah smelling spices
you know what most of the wars crusades were over salt whoa they wanted
everybody wanted clocks bro
they invented clocks bro that's legit optics university i haven't even heard of
windmills yeah
yeah beheading the beheadings are on there yeah yeah that's good um that's
interesting crank
what's oh yeah the crank wow what is crank can i i know a little statistic i
read the other day tell me
a black kid invented the door knob yeah did you know that google it
that's that guy that guy invented the door knob dude what the hell were they
doing before they were
difficult to open you know i mean but he made it you know and he made no money
off of it he just wow
people just stole it from him like oh wow i could have thought of that and just
took it from him
that's very interesting but that guy invented what's his name uh osborne dorsey
osmond dorsey
f*cking invented the door knob yeah the dorsey knob they should call it yeah
the doors enough thank
you because i use doorknob still to this day yeah it was every because every
door was like a saloon door
then back then you just have to push it all right i guess and he was able to
find the little
mechanics and little yes of that that's incredible yes yes osborne dorsey african-american
man who
invented the doorknob and the door stop in december of 1878 seems like somebody
right would figure that
out right yeah and he was born a slave i mean right he became freed he became a
freed free person wait
wait he invented it while he was enslaved he was born into slavery and then he
says he became a freed
slave so i don't know oh and then after he was able to yes imagine all the
things they could have
invented if they weren't slaves i know think about that right like you know
creams or whatever exactly
no i agree i think about that's not racist sure yeah yeah you can say it though
you're asian yeah
you can't really yeah it doesn't matter i don't know that asians even though asians
are the most
racist pound for pound people we whites get the worst but asians are i mean it's
horrifying how
i don't know i mean you know i've heard that been said and i that's really
there's no evidence to
back that up i mean that did that what i mean the chinese you know they came in
and they uh japanese
came in and they were bayonetting chinese babies and killing and they all hate
each other they think
the koreans are you know well koreans are the top china's the top one then then
japan then korea
then vietnam then laos right i mean i i don't know why there's a ranking but um
if i were if well if you
would technically if i if i were to rank it i i have my own rank well if you
want to hear the
recent come to our meetings oh your white meetings okay well then explain to me
what why based on the
rankings china's the number one why biggest most populous but you're just
basically on geography
right the size of mass you know and people and and that's i mean that yeah and
how much real estate
they own okay but it's still based on the land right i want to get get into
like you know i mean
what they've invented and and you know well china invented everything what
china was the one that
that's true they all gunpowder yes gunpowder spaghetti spaghetti yeah really
spaghetti yeah chinese yeah
um the finger trap yeah yeah yeah yeah finger traps a good one yes that's a
really good one yeah
what else did they uh you said uh about um uh uh warfare on horses right
chinese yeah um they also
invented um what's the thing
chariot no plow no
i forgot what's good but well i'll act it out yeah how many people
yeah rickshaw rickshaw that's what it is yeah thank you so much oh they
invented alcohol
that's a huge one that's a big one dude that's like one of the number one thing
yeah yeah yeah noodles
silk that's incredible they said ah wait i've said chinese invented toothbrushes
too
i thought yeah yeah yeah yeah let's get down there yeah what is going on what's
going on there come
on claiming it though that's what we are made about what how do you know look
at my teeth
whatever i don't know why would they they're so clean yeah yeah yeah all right
so let's go to koreans
what do koreans what do koreans invent probably not much let's do koreans um
let's see whether they
invent um uh let's see what are koreans possibly invent k-pop all right uh
infection control robot
what now we're gonna get we're getting to the future we're like oh we'll the
past
you know everybody have an infection yeah yeah i mean we need a robot to do
that braille braille
translation that's nice that's helpful that's huge yeah software that predicts
cardiac arrest dude you
know how sometimes you're watching a movie and you go god i wish this wrapped
around
i wish it wrapped around my whole body they invented the wraparound movie dude
smart glasses reimagined
he didn't even invent the smart glass we already imagine it yeah yeah yeah that's
his software that
predicts cardiac arrest oh that's a oh look at this one inflatable isolation wards
really so you know
how isolation wards yeah so on the ground yeah it's so stern and yeah they're
putting you in an
isolation ward and they push you down the river yeah yeah wow that's incredible
so we didn't really
invent anything a flexible screen tv yeah yeah it's one of those things where
we took other inventions
and made it better but that's okay that's that's what you're good at right that's
what we were good
at here are some look 5g smartphone 3d hologram recharging roads for electric
vehicles that's pretty big
because i think that we only got into the game of that jaygon goo an automated
self-striking water clock
what we invented that yeah i have four jaygon coos dude i have four of them at
home yeah wow that's
good though that's incredible let's go to now let's go now this is great let's
go to vietnamese
because we're ranking the asians right so yeah yeah what are the vietnamese yes
let me let's
guess before it trail and by the way okay just know what's going to happen you
know what's going to
happen by the way too is people are going to say that you're allowing me a
white person to make fun of
asian culture and all that okay all right push pause for a second all right let's
let's talk about that
real quick okay i want to talk about that right now okay i make fun of whites
so much and their
culture i really do and and a lot of my friends make fun of my culture right
but korean isn't my
culture i'm an american i was born here i have the same sensibilities as
everyone else you know i don't
know much i mean i like the food i do feel like when i'm around my korean
friends it does feel a little
different in terms of like shared american experiences that we bond into but um
i love you so much i know
there isn't a racist bone in your body and we what we do is it's healing for us
it's a pleasure to do what
we do it i think it's healthy you know i mean to um out of love make fun of
each other and this is this is to me
not a bad thing you know i think it's a positive thing i think this is what
dock workers did back
in the day when like you have different cultures at a dock right and they didn't
know that each other's
languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked
and they would all laugh
drink a beer at the pub or whatever and was there a way of bonding and um so i
don't think it's a bad
thing i don't think you've ever said anything racist you never said anything
that's offended me and
there are there are a lot of asians that don't like what i do a lot of them
right and they've told me
to my face you know what i mean yeah like you're a disgrace or you know what i
mean you know and
outside it's like i don't feel that way right i do what feels right i i think
that i would i think i'm
very funny and i think you're very funny and um so can we make it past that
yeah let's make fun of the
yeah let's make fun of the vietnamese let's go yeah let's go anyway um okay so
what did they do hand
embroidery oh let's go let's go the first one okay the atm dude are you sure
they said they said
do duck quong a vietnamese inventor co-invented the atm oh co-invented co-invented
who's the other guy
white guy jew jew yeah yeah yeah yeah a guy that looks like carlos yeah yeah
yeah the second is
the conical hat also known as the non-law this head is believed to have
originated in vietnam
over 3 000 years ago what is that aliens you know yeah yeah like a cone head
hat no it's one of those
flat hats with the little oh that's okay oh that hat yeah they invented that
hat they invented yeah
yeah wow raiden from street oh there it is that they invented that's incredible
that's a pretty cool
hat that is pretty awesome yeah yeah and it's a good idea it keeps you you know
yeah yeah the sun out
of your face it just looks weird it does look kind of crazy yeah yeah but you
could make it cool yeah
anyway the locker wear yes a natural a natural product that has been made in vietnam
for centuries with
pieces dating back to the fourth and fifth century okay okay hand embroidery i
mean yeah yeah yeah what
yeah i know they've never really done this is why they're kind of not at the
top of the list
evasion they don't have anything not reimagining well the bakov antivirus is
pretty good that's
pretty big how many times have you had bok fob i have it right and you're like
god damn i'm gonna die
and then they had the antivirus yeah yeah that's pretty good that's good yeah
well i think what's
about the other things i meant about these people include vietnamese calligraphy
yeah but that's just
it seems like it seems like it's yeah because no one else uses it yeah yeah no
one in cambodia is
going i'm doing vietnamese calligraphy you know yeah your own the calligraphy
yeah yeah so yeah it
doesn't uh uh fong shading i don't know what that is yeah yeah this is why they're
they're not they're
they're kind of all right so let's put them right now based on what we see put
them at five at five
but then we never did japanese i'm sure it's a lot japan is two china's one so
let's go to japan japan was
two and korea well based on korea though i think we're like fourth no i well
let's see what japan
invested japan's a big deal the electronic rice cooker that's big you use that
every day godzilla
that's huge that's yes godzilla cds laptops oh my god batteries eye drop funnels
novels selfie sticks
robotics i mean japanese are big dude huge emoji the qr code it really is it
the jet ski she's on your
show oh yeah instant noodles calculators oh my god yeah dude based on this they're
number one dude
they are you think yeah based on this they're number one that's a lot happy
faces happy faces hello
kitty yeah yeah that's a lot dude they they uh glory holes glory holes is
japanese yeah yeah bullet trains
wow big walkman vhs yeah the novel it's insane it's insane you would think the
english i think yeah but
it's them and they're great because they're such a small island nation for to
to they're they're very uh
they were my grandfather said a very difficult to kill he would shoot them
hundreds if they would
never die he said in the war just keep shooting them and shooting them and they
run around he said
they'd go over there he'd hit him with they'd hit him with paddles well i think
what you're basically
saying is they're just bad shots right right you keep shooting shooting but
they don't they're just
so quick like couldn't do it yeah miss me miss me yeah okay yeah so they would
kind of think
and they're very in there and they're fearless yeah what kind of white are you
uh mostly german and
then let's see german uh german probably just let me let me guess the watch the
inventions are gonna
get bad yes the oven it's gonna get bad oh yeah oh yeah oh you're gonna crush
the game yeah yeah
oh you're gonna crush the game germans are gonna get very bad yeah we used all
these things in not
not great ways all right oh yeah yeah bicycles um we invented bicycles you
invented fanta yes that's on
there yeah fanta wow orange soda diesel engine yeah bicycles is huge huge huge
dude uh airbags yeah
gummy bears to me is huge that's big automobile come on look at that wait i
thought henry ford did
that maybe he just did the assembly line well who invented the car i guess the
germans maybe mercedes-benz
no who really really you're who invented the car yeah i want to know that we
got to get the fact we
invented the christmas tree as well by the way ben's call ben's so that's he
invented the car that's
german that's german that's mercedes ben that's insane call ben's wow
Woo-hoo! Yeah! Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Ranking Asian Countries

can you explain to me what happened at the crusades because i don't know
anything
whenever like i talk to no honestly whenever i talk to people about religion
and they go why
don't you believe in god i go i always say oh the crusades just as a blanket
blanket statement
right and then they go oh yeah that's right you know i mean i just kind of move
on but i don't
even really know what i'm talking about it's the religious war the christians
versus the muslims
oh so is that what happened that was it big time they fought a lot over ancient
turkey the the you
know christianity thought that their religion was the best turkey uh muslims
thought theirs was you
know what the interesting thing is about who won the crusades uh nobody re
really knows i mean i
would say really kind of the christians but that's because but i have christian
tattoos all over my
body i'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade wow okay yeah yeah and
yeah yeah we're going up
against the church of latter-day saints tomorrow that's our match oh yeah i'll
be winning yeah thank
you yeah um but uh you know what was interesting is i read a book about it and
they said that
you would think that the muslims right because you hear like these things like
oh it's a very
racist thing right now to be like oh you'll hear like oh you do muslims dirty
whatever that's all
that's all such a bullshit bullshit it's a racist thing all the muslims i know
are clean no no right
because because it's because it's reverse racism because because what would
happen is is actually the
muslims were so well uh was so educated so hygienic they had science hundreds
of years before the
christians christians came in kind of gangly disgusting they the muslim people
said they
could smell the christian army coming from miles away because they were dirty
filthy heathens right
where muslims were high science education astronomy astronomy yeah all that
dancing with the stars
yeah yeah they did it everything wow yeah they had it all yeah podcasts yeah
what did the muslims invent
back then that we still use today without the muslims what would we not have
algebra that's huge the
arabic it's a big one numeral the numeral our numbers arabic numbers oh okay
let's go let's just
zoom in yeah hospital muslims invent coffee caught bro look at this every time
allah i was thank you
allah every time i take a sip i say praise be it allah yeah there's another one
algebra is huge hospitals
bro toothbrush dude really disgusting teeth yeah because look at the english deodorant
yeah smelling spices
you know what most of the wars crusades were over salt whoa they wanted
everybody wanted clocks bro
they invented clocks bro that's legit optics university i haven't even heard of
windmills yeah
yeah beheading the beheadings are on there yeah yeah that's good um that's
interesting crank
what's oh yeah the crank wow what is crank can i i know a little statistic i
read the other day tell me
a black kid invented the door knob yeah did you know that google it
that's that guy that guy invented the door knob dude what the hell were they
doing before they were
difficult to open you know i mean but he made it you know and he made no money
off of it he just wow
people just stole it from him like oh wow i could have thought of that and just
took it from him
that's very interesting but that guy invented what's his name uh osborne dorsey
osmond dorsey
f*cking invented the door knob yeah the dorsey knob they should call it yeah
the doors enough thank
you because i use doorknob still to this day yeah it was every because every
door was like a saloon door
then back then you just have to push it all right i guess and he was able to
find the little
mechanics and little yes of that that's incredible yes yes osborne dorsey african-american
man who
invented the doorknob and the door stop in december of 1878 seems like somebody
right would figure that
out right yeah and he was born a slave i mean right he became freed he became a
freed free person wait
wait he invented it while he was enslaved he was born into slavery and then he
says he became a freed
slave so i don't know oh and then after he was able to yes imagine all the
things they could have
invented if they weren't slaves i know think about that right like you know
creams or whatever exactly
no i agree i think about that's not racist sure yeah yeah you can say it though
you're asian yeah
you can't really yeah it doesn't matter i don't know that asians even though asians
are the most
racist pound for pound people we whites get the worst but asians are i mean it's
horrifying how
i don't know i mean you know i've heard that been said and i that's really
there's no evidence to
back that up i mean that did that what i mean the chinese you know they came in
and they uh japanese
came in and they were bayonetting chinese babies and killing and they all hate
each other they think
the koreans are you know well koreans are the top china's the top one then then
japan then korea
then vietnam then laos right i mean i i don't know why there's a ranking but um
if i were if well if you
would technically if i if i were to rank it i i have my own rank well if you
want to hear the
recent come to our meetings oh your white meetings okay well then explain to me
what why based on the
rankings china's the number one why biggest most populous but you're just
basically on geography
right the size of mass you know and people and and that's i mean that yeah and
how much real estate
they own okay but it's still based on the land right i want to get get into
like you know i mean
what they've invented and and you know well china invented everything what
china was the one that
that's true they all gunpowder yes gunpowder spaghetti spaghetti yeah really
spaghetti yeah chinese yeah
um the finger trap yeah yeah yeah yeah finger traps a good one yes that's a
really good one yeah
what else did they uh you said uh about um uh uh warfare on horses right
chinese yeah um they also
invented um what's the thing
chariot no plow no
i forgot what's good but well i'll act it out yeah how many people
yeah rickshaw rickshaw that's what it is yeah thank you so much oh they
invented alcohol
that's a huge one that's a big one dude that's like one of the number one thing
yeah yeah yeah noodles
silk that's incredible they said ah wait i've said chinese invented toothbrushes
too
i thought yeah yeah yeah yeah let's get down there yeah what is going on what's
going on there come
on claiming it though that's what we are made about what how do you know look
at my teeth
whatever i don't know why would they they're so clean yeah yeah yeah all right
so let's go to koreans
what do koreans what do koreans invent probably not much let's do koreans um
let's see whether they
invent um uh let's see what are koreans possibly invent k-pop all right uh
infection control robot
what now we're gonna get we're getting to the future we're like oh we'll the
past
you know everybody have an infection yeah yeah i mean we need a robot to do
that braille braille
translation that's nice that's helpful that's huge yeah software that predicts
cardiac arrest dude you
know how sometimes you're watching a movie and you go god i wish this wrapped
around
i wish it wrapped around my whole body they invented the wraparound movie dude
smart glasses reimagined
he didn't even invent the smart glass we already imagine it yeah yeah yeah that's
his software that
predicts cardiac arrest oh that's a oh look at this one inflatable isolation wards
really so you know
how isolation wards yeah so on the ground yeah it's so stern and yeah they're
putting you in an
isolation ward and they push you down the river yeah yeah wow that's incredible
so we didn't really
invent anything a flexible screen tv yeah yeah it's one of those things where
we took other inventions
and made it better but that's okay that's that's what you're good at right that's
what we were good
at here are some look 5g smartphone 3d hologram recharging roads for electric
vehicles that's pretty big
because i think that we only got into the game of that jaygon goo an automated
self-striking water clock
what we invented that yeah i have four jaygon coos dude i have four of them at
home yeah wow that's
good though that's incredible let's go to now let's go now this is great let's
go to vietnamese
because we're ranking the asians right so yeah yeah what are the vietnamese yes
let me let's
guess before it trail and by the way okay just know what's going to happen you
know what's going to
happen by the way too is people are going to say that you're allowing me a
white person to make fun of
asian culture and all that okay all right push pause for a second all right let's
let's talk about that
real quick okay i want to talk about that right now okay i make fun of whites
so much and their
culture i really do and and a lot of my friends make fun of my culture right
but korean isn't my
culture i'm an american i was born here i have the same sensibilities as
everyone else you know i don't
know much i mean i like the food i do feel like when i'm around my korean
friends it does feel a little
different in terms of like shared american experiences that we bond into but um
i love you so much i know
there isn't a racist bone in your body and we what we do is it's healing for us
it's a pleasure to do what
we do it i think it's healthy you know i mean to um out of love make fun of
each other and this is this is to me
not a bad thing you know i think it's a positive thing i think this is what
dock workers did back
in the day when like you have different cultures at a dock right and they didn't
know that each other's
languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked
and they would all laugh
drink a beer at the pub or whatever and was there a way of bonding and um so i
don't think it's a bad
thing i don't think you've ever said anything racist you never said anything
that's offended me and
there are there are a lot of asians that don't like what i do a lot of them
right and they've told me
to my face you know what i mean yeah like you're a disgrace or you know what i
mean you know and
outside it's like i don't feel that way right i do what feels right i i think
that i would i think i'm
very funny and i think you're very funny and um so can we make it past that
yeah let's make fun of the
yeah let's make fun of the vietnamese let's go yeah let's go anyway um okay so
what did they do hand
embroidery oh let's go let's go the first one okay the atm dude are you sure
they said they said
do duck quong a vietnamese inventor co-invented the atm oh co-invented co-invented
who's the other guy
white guy jew jew yeah yeah yeah yeah a guy that looks like carlos yeah yeah
yeah the second is
the conical hat also known as the non-law this head is believed to have
originated in vietnam
over 3 000 years ago what is that aliens you know yeah yeah like a cone head
hat no it's one of those
flat hats with the little oh that's okay oh that hat yeah they invented that
hat they invented yeah
yeah wow raiden from street oh there it is that they invented that's incredible
that's a pretty cool
hat that is pretty awesome yeah yeah and it's a good idea it keeps you you know
yeah yeah the sun out
of your face it just looks weird it does look kind of crazy yeah yeah but you
could make it cool yeah
anyway the locker wear yes a natural a natural product that has been made in vietnam
for centuries with
pieces dating back to the fourth and fifth century okay okay hand embroidery i
mean yeah yeah yeah what
yeah i know they've never really done this is why they're kind of not at the
top of the list
evasion they don't have anything not reimagining well the bakov antivirus is
pretty good that's
pretty big how many times have you had bok fob i have it right and you're like
god damn i'm gonna die
and then they had the antivirus yeah yeah that's pretty good that's good yeah
well i think what's
about the