Name: Andrew Santino vs Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2024-11-20T18:30:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino vs Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino vs Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-20. Transcript available.

You know how they say that one day we're going to have chips on our arms?
Will you do that?
With all our information, our credit cards, everything, you know what I mean?
You'll do it.
For sure.
Yeah.
How convenient.
I would do it.
You won't do that?
Why'd you shake your head no?
That scares me.
I don't know.
Why?
It's just like when that starts conflicting with like mechanical, with human
stuff, like
with brain and neural.
What do you mean mechanical?
I'm not saying I'm going to get my arm replaced.
It's like a little chip, dude.
You think it's going to lead to Neuralink?
I don't even like driving cars that like they can turn off with a computer.
That's why I drive an old Accord.
Oh my God.
That's why you drive an old Accord?
That and you'll be broke.
Yeah, this guy's fucking Clint Eastwood.
Let us be mean, Jim.
Okay?
From Bridges of Madison County or something, you know what I mean?
That's because you had a book.
No, what I'm saying is you have your credit card, your ID, and also maybe a way
to open
up your front door with your arm.
Oh, cool.
Oh, I like that too.
You know what I mean?
Click, click, click, click.
Yeah, but think about it.
If somebody follows you home, they grab you, they just put your arm up to the
door.
Oh, that's true.
They got it.
You can't do that.
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
Can't have that.
Yeah.
Okay.
There was a bump in the night the other night by the house, by the way.
I got nervous.
I grabbed my gun.
In your mansion?
In my home.
Do I get a mansion?
Okay, so...
My home is not...
Your house is the same size as my house.
Oh my God.
I love when you try to start fights with me.
You just started it.
No, no, no.
Who started it?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Who fucking started it?
Dude, I don't want to go there.
You just started it.
I don't want to go there with you, dude, but stop doing this.
Stop lying.
Stop, you know what I mean?
About what?
Gaslighting.
That's so...
The irony of this is staggering.
You're literally gaslighting me.
Yeah, it's so...
No, you're gaslighting me, dude.
You're literally doing it.
And let me say what you're doing.
You're gaslighting me.
So...
Gaslighting.
No more gaslighting.
Oh, now you're doing Asian accent.
That's when you're scared.
That's how I get out of it.
When he gets scared, he does Asian accent, right?
No, you are.
When I'm in front of your mom, you got scared,
and you did my mom.
You brought up...
Asian accent, okay?
Yeah, and it crushed.
That's what you...
That's your fucking defense.
And it crushed.
And it made this show.
It went viral, but my point being is that
you're scared right now and calm.
I'm not scared.
Calm your shit.
You started it.
That's an insane thing.
Did you guys go to the house?
Yes, they've all been in my home.
Whose house is bigger?
They're honestly the same.
If you add up the driveway and everything...
Thank you.
Oh, you're going to put my driveway in it?
I have a long driveway.
How is that an equation?
That's included.
That's not a living space?
Thank you.
It could be.
No, it's not.
So my point is this.
Okay, let me reiterate,
and let me re-say it.
Because the first time I went to his house
was during his birthday party, right?
My old house?
The new one.
Yeah.
I don't want to start with you, but I...
You're doing it.
I know, but I walked in,
and I remember going,
oh, I might have to move.
That's the first thought.
What do you mean?
Because you...
Because it's...
I want to be honest with you, dude.
Sure.
All right?
I went to your front lawn.
Pretty good, nice lawn.
Thanks.
You have a gate, the whole thing.
Yeah.
Electrical, you know, gate system, right?
Mm-hmm.
You walked out of these gigantic doors.
Not that your house is big,
but you have gigantic doors.
It's a big door.
I'm 6'1".
Right, right.
I mean, all doors are big to you.
Right.
Okay, you can make fun of me all you want,
but I'm trying to be honest with you.
Well, I'm also trying to put comedy in the show.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
And so then,
you go,
come on in,
Langmong,
or whatever you fucking always say.
You know what I mean?
What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make something up funny.
If you're going to say that,
pick it up and be funny.
Ling Ling or whatever you do.
There, yeah.
I say, come on in, Ling Ling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I go, Ling Ling's here.
Ling Ling's here, right?
I walk in,
and I remember my first thing
is I looked around high ceilings.
Do you not have high ceilings?
Yeah, they're tall.
Well, they're tall.
Right.
And then I also,
I'm like,
the living room is so far away
from where I am.
It's in the back of the house.
I don't even know where it is.
It's in the back of the house.
Yeah, so it's like,
you know,
my sight isn't that bad, right?
In your house,
you have to go up to the living room.
You can also not see it.
Thank you.
You have to walk upstairs
to your living room
and your house is in the hills.
Mine's two studio apartments
on top of each other.
Yeah, you went up there.
They have bedrooms.
Thank you, McCone.
There's bedrooms down there.
Now, I will admit
that my house is,
I prefer the design of my house
better than yours.
Sure, that's why you live there.
Yeah.
With cat shit all over
the fucking place,
it's great.
Okay, you can make jokes.
That's the show that we're on.
I know.
You can do what you're doing right now, dude,
and I'm fine with it.
Okay.
I'm just being honest with you.
So am I.
I walk in, high ceilings.
I go, I don't know where the living room is,
but it's pretty far away,
probably half a mile away.
And I walked in there
and then I went,
my thought was,
I might have to at least
get a house comparable to this
because I want to feel like
we're on the same level.
But I remember having these thoughts
and why would I have these thoughts,
Carlos, do you think?
You're breaking the 10th commandment.
It's jealousy.
Exactly, dude.
What is that?
It's jealousy.
Thou shall not covet that neighbor, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't covet me, dude.
So I was coveting you, dude.
Stop coveting me.
I'm going to covet before the rest of my life.
I don't want you to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, I'm covet king.
You're already breaking so many of the commandments.
So here's what it is.
You live in a house bigger than 99.9% of the houses in the world.
Can we say that?
Well, the world?
Yeah.
Yeah, most people live in fucking huts.
Exactly.
So that's, I'm not being lying.
Not bigger than 99% of the United States?
Yeah.
No, it's not.
Let's move on.
So what were you going to say?
It's not even, like...
Let's move on.
What are you going to say?
Well, if you let me tell the story,
that's not it at all.
Well, let me finish my little pointer here.
Because there was a gunshot outside.
Okay.
It could have been in the house.
And then there was rustling next door.
Okay, like, continue.
And then I got worried.
All right, so start from the...
So I grabbed my...
Start from the beginning.
Go ahead.
There was a...
You're in your mansion.
Go ahead.
There was a...
Yeah.
So you're laying down.
Well, I'm in one of my hyperbaric chambers that I sleep in.
Yeah.
No, so I was in my money room.
Yeah.
And I was sleeping.
I have a money room that I sleep in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was swimming.
Actually, I was taking a late night Scrooge McDuck swim.
I have gold coins.
Yeah.
You have a moat.
It's a 30-foot pool of money.
Yeah.
No, I'm sleeping.
I hear a gunshot.
I panic.
Ooh.
Then there's a text stream between our neighbors.
Did anybody hear that?
Who heard the blah, blah, blah?
You know, like, there's a...
So then I'm really, like, on edge.
So then I grab my gun and I go downstairs.
You have a gun?
In my underwear.
You have a gun?
Mm-hmm.
Be real.
Yeah.
What kind?
I have a Glock.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so you bring your Glock.
I bring my gun downstairs.
Yeah.
And I walk outside.
That's me.
That's what I look like from American History X.
Yes.
And I was outside scanning around for the noises that I was hearing.
Because I was hearing noises then after the shot.
So I thought...
Can you...
Can you...
Someone's on the run from the cops in my mind and they're jumping into yards.
That's my biggest fear is someone tries to, like, break into your house.
This happened last night?
No, no, no.
This is, like, four nights ago.
Okay.
So I was with somebody in my house.
What?
Same thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
And this person that was in my house, a young lady.
You know what I mean?
Obviously.
Yeah.
She goes, is there always a helicopter above your house?
This is four nights ago.
And you're saying, I'm rich.
You used to have a helicopter waiting for you at all hours of the night?
I don't own it.
I don't own it.
It just takes me to the comic store.
Ready to go!
It takes me to the comic store.
No, there was literally a helicopter doing a circle in my neighbor with the
spotlight.
Oh, that hate...
Dude, panic.
Right.
So what I'm saying, it could have been the same night that you...
Heard the gunshot.
Because we live five minutes away from each other.
Yes, that's true.
So this could be connected.
Okay.
So fucking...
I didn't hear a helicopter.
I'm scared.
It's quiet outside.
There's rustling and banging.
Uh-oh.
And I'm nervous, right?
And I'm very scared because I think, this is how I die.
She's fine.
I'll get killed.
Is your wife sleeping?
She's wide awake.
She's scared because we both heard it.
And then, of course, I'm out there and rustling, rustling.
I go peek around the corner.
Oh, it's just a raccoon on a garbage can.
That's it.
How did he shot?
He had a gun.
A little raccoon with a gun.
I see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was just trying to get food.
I think you're lying.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like you're lying.
No, no.
But there was a loud rustling.
It did scare the shit out.
But what time was it?
I'm being real because I remember going, what is going on in our neighborhood?
Had to have been not super late, but like, I mean, not early in the morning,
maybe like
1 a.m.
It wasn't that.
It was like, I just had started to fall asleep.
*outro music*