Name: How to Drink Eggnog
Uploaded: 2024-12-24T17:40:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Drink Eggnog' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Drink Eggnog' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-24. Transcript available.

- Oh my God.
- Oh, shit little chocolate nuggets here, dude.
- Oh, nuggets.
- We're all from Trader Joe's, dude.
- Is that from teachers?
Pass that 10, play up.
Pass that 10, play boy.
One of our favorite traditions is hearing
Bobby chewing on the mic.
- Jingle jangle.
Fun mix of favorite candy treats.
Welcome to our--
- Let it rip today, dude.
- Yeah.
- Let it rip.
I'm ready for it.
- I agree.
- I'm so depressed.
I get so depressed during the holidays.
I can't even, it's like a, it's a deep,
it's a deep depression.
- I love it.
- You don't get depressed?
You love it.
- I stay depressed, dude.
Let's see if this is gonna make it over the crack.
- Yeah, December 1st is when it starts.
- Nope.
December 1st, you get depressed?
- All the way until January 5th.
- What happens on January 5th?
'Cause the next day is our holiday.
- Three kings.
- What?
- Three kings.
- The three kings happen.
Three kings.
What's three kings?
What is it?
Let's start good, let's start good.
Let's not start like that.
But you get real depressed.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, I could tell, dude.
Your face gets all red and all depressed, huh?
- I had a massage today and a woman said,
"Is there anywhere I'm not allowed to touch?"
- Really?
- I thought about you.
- Well, there are some areas that you don't touch.
- I said, I don't want my face.
I don't like my face.
- I don't like my Achilles heel being touched.
- Uh-uh.
I don't want that damage at all, dude.
Didn't that happen to Troy?
Who does that happen to?
- Who's Troy?
Helen of Troy?
- What?
- Achilles.
- Achilles.
- Oh, Achilles, yeah.
- What?
- Achilles.
- This name is not Troy?
- No.
- In Troy.
- In Troy.
Oh, that's what it is.
Oh, here we go.
Big hero, Achilles' only vulnerable spot was his heel.
Left untouched until his mother dipped him in the river Styx.
As in, that's where the band Styx gets their name from.
- Well, that's everyone's vulnerable spot.
- Their heel?
- Well, mine's the taint.
Mine goes the taint.
- Taint.
- It's so vulnerable, my taint.
- It's tickly wickly.
- I know, but there's probably a layer of skin
that's not missing.
- There's something about the taint, that area.
Do you know what the taint is?
- No. - Can you guess what a taint is?
It's on your body.
- I'm guessing like on your feet?
- Nuh-uh.
- Well, some of mine's on my feet.
- Yeah.
- Mine does stretch down, stretches down to my feet.
- Is it on the vagina?
- No.
- It's the area between your balls and your butthole.
- Or your vag and the butthole.
- The taint is a vulgar slang.
- That little skin.
- Yeah.
- That little gap.
- Oh.
- Not little.
Some people have huge taints.
- I hate the way this is starting.
- All right, let's switch it up.
- It's not a holiday spirit.
- No, I don't like the way that's starting either, dude.
- Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching.
- Let's start new.
Let's start everywhere.
- Jinko bell, chinko bell, chinko bell.
- Oh, this the way.
Oh, what fun it to ride one ho-ho-punch-ray.
- Hey!
- Jingle bell, jingle bell.
- Ho-do-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Mano-go-go-go-go-go-go.
- Dude, Asian Santa at the mall?
- Dude.
- See the owner of my rapper.
- Yeah.
- Have you been a good boy?
- Oh, there's no chimneys in Japan.
Are there chimneys in Japan?
- 100% there's chimneys in Japan.
What are you talking about?
There's got it.
- How did Santa get in there?
- Is there chim-
Not only, yes, there are chimneys in Japan.
They're not commonly seen.
Because a lot of times you see in the city,
it's all buildings.
It's all high rises.
- Right.
- I grew up in a high rise in the city when I was a kid.
I grew up in an apartment building and I said to my mom,
"How does Santa even get in here?
We don't have a chimney."
- Right.
- And she goes, "He comes through the front door."
And I thought, "What an invasive thing to do."
- 'Cause the reason why Hiroshima and Nagasaki,
it was so devastating is because the houses,
no, but before the bombs, you know what they did?
Fire bombs.
- Yeah.
Why was that so-
- Warning shots.
- No, that's not why.
Why was fire bombs so detrimental in those Japanese cities?
- Well, teach me, Mr. Know-It-All.
- Wood.
- Well, their houses are made out of like rice paper and wood.
- Bamboo.
- No, really?
- Yeah.
- What?
- I know.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, why didn't you answer it the first time then?
- Because I wanted you to say it.
During World War II.
- I don't think you knew, man.
- These Japanese cities were built highly flammable materials
like wood and paper.
- Yeah.
- Extremely vulnerable to large scale fires when bombed,
resulting in massive civilian casualties,
widespread destruction of infrastructure,
significant impact on morale.
Yeah, you'd think.
If your house burnt down,
that would bum you out a little bit.
- It was devastating back then.
- You weren't even there.
- I was there, definitely.
- You were?
- Yeah, yeah.
I was a baby.
- You were a baby in Japan?
- It was so devastating.
- Japan, Korea.
- I crawled to Korea.
- You did?
- Yeah, yeah, dude.
- It's a long crawl.
- I know, dude.
- And I swam.
- You did.
- That's devastating.
- Devastating.
- That's devastating.
Well, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to Japan.
- You know, we can say Merry Christmas now
'cause Trump is president.
We're allowed to go back.
- Oh, yeah, thank God.
- Whatever happened to Kwanzaa?
- It's still a thing.
- Is that a thing?
Have you heard of Kwanzaa?
- December 26th, dude.
- Oh.
- Kwanzaa.
- Kwanzaa is just,
so they've got a Hanukkah-like candles, right?
You light, how many candles are there?
- Let me see the Kwanzaa, Kwanzaa.
So there's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
- Yeah.
- So it's eight in, eight for Hanukkah, right?
- Whoa, look at the black one in the middle.
What does that mean?
- And look, there's the guys on the outside fighting them.
- Yeah.
- Keeping them down, keeping the man down.
The seven candles in the Kinara symbolize
the seven principles of Kwanzaa.
And what are the seven principles of Kwanzaa?
I'd like to know.
- I can guess.
- Yes.
- Thou shall not do incest.
- No.
- No, we want that.
- All right, hold on here.
Umoja.
Umoja means unity in Swahili.
So strive to maintain unity
in the family, community, nation, and race.
Kujika, say that one.
Go ahead, Rudy.
- Kujichagulia.
- Kujichagulia.
This principle refers to naming, creating,
and speaking for oneself.
Self-determination.
- Ujama.
- Ujama.
- Well these sound Korean.
- Ujama.
- Nia.
- Ujama, Nia.
- Kumba.
- Kumba.
- Umani.
- Imani.
Oh, I met a girl named Imani in college.
- Was she black?
Was she black?
- No.
- Oh fuck, it's a miracle.
- Yeah, of course she was.
Faith, community, faith.
This is all kind of the same thing.
This is kind of nice.
I think we should celebrate Kwanzaa this year.
- I have eggnog.
- See, I think that's what it is.
- You need eggnog?
- No, no, no.
I think that you're coming in with your Christmas vibes,
McCone, has sort of rattled me.
- I love Christmas.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Give him some eggnog.
- Give me some eggnog.
- Have you ever had eggnog?
- Yeah.
- Wait, seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
- They don't have that in the Philippines, huh?
- I haven't even built a gingerbread house.
- Wow.
- Well, you can take that home and build it.
That was a gift from us to you.
- Thank you.
- And you can eat it when you're done.
- This is a David Tell joke.
You know what eggnog is?
Elf cum.
- Yeah, I love that.
- Whoa.
- It's just milk?
- No. - No, no, no.
- No, it's eggnog.
- It's eggnog.
It's something different.
It's yellow.
- Ooh, thick.
- Yeah, there we go.
Thank you.
Give some for Jules.
- Yeah, give some for Jules.
- You want some?
- No, thank you.
- Mm, a really good eggnog.
- You like it?
- Really good.
- Give me the carton.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Give me the carton.
- You're gonna love it.
- You are gonna love it.
Hold on, get out of the way while she drinks it.
Do it again.
- I like this.
- You do?
- Yeah, it's pretty good, right?
- It's really sweet.
- It's sweet.
- So, you wanna know what's in it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Milk, cream, sugar, eggnog base,
which is sugar, egg yolks, and natural flavors.
Nutmeg, turmeric, citric acids,
- Cinnamon.
- Cinnamon's gotta be.
- Stabilizers, guar gum, carrageenian,
which is, and then locust bean gum from locusts.
- You know, 'cause locusts have big mouths.
- Big mouths.
- And they have big gums.
- Look at that, there it is.
- Yeah.
- Locust bean gum.
- Those are their mouths.
- Those are their mouths.
So you're eating a locust right now.
It tastes...
- It tastes good.
- It tastes good.
- Yeah, yeah.
- But it coats your mouth a little too thick for me.
- Yeah, there is a cummy.
- Like, let me see your tongue.
Show me your tongue.
- Let me see your tongue.
- Yeah, coated.
- It's like, you don't want to do this at Christmas dinner.
- So, will you do me a favor?
And McCone, why don't you come...
- Me too mommy.
- Delicious.
- You don't want to do that Christmas dinner.
- No, not at the dinner.
- Especially if there's gays there.
- Or anywhere.
- 'Cause when the gays are there,
they get fucking crazy.
- Carlos.
- Carlos is in Texas, I think.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.
This is my gift to you guys.
- Yeah, that's actually nice that he's gone.
Do you miss him?
- Kinda.
- Yeah?
He's in Texas.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- He's too...
you