Name: You NEVER F*** Up on Rice!!!!!
Uploaded: 2025-02-19T18:31:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You NEVER F*** Up on Rice!!!!!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You NEVER F*** Up on Rice!!!!!' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-19. Transcript available.

do you ever ever ever caught me smelling my what you never caught me doing have
you caught me doing
that smelling it you've caught me george right no yeah yeah what i'll do is and
it's quick
i'll just go oh i've seen you do that you've seen me do that right yeah it's
because of the leaking
oh you want to make sure you're not leaking too much yeah yeah yeah you leak
don't you carlos
yeah those pipes those pipes leak now george leaks for sure so my so my when my
brother was um
12 years old he had a neighborhood this jewish kid that came over and my
brother had um a casio
keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday yeah and when my dad
took naps right if
you made if a feather fell on the ground forget it it's it's the incredible the
yellow incredible hall
it's like you know what i mean like all right so my brother was playing
keyboards right my dad took naps
naked why so this is broad daylight on a saturday right my dad walks into my
brother's room completely
naked right my dad he takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back
keys are flying out right
but when he turned around my brother and um his friend laughed because what did
they see your dad's
little korean penis no he turned around leaving the room oh his ass the korean
kite my dad used to
sleep with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole and the toilet would
be sticking out he
looked like a korean kite right and the reason why i didn't know until now i
know my age and i had to
stick toilet paper why you leak or something there's a little bit of leakage
sometimes at night
or just 24 7 when you sleep right now you have tp well i'm on ozempic right now
so it clogs it up
right but in just regular sometimes really yeah so i have to like and what i do
is i don't know if
you know that notice i don't know why i'm revealing this is so disgusting give
it to me well i'm already
giving it to you well go okay this is so disgusting i don't even know what i
should say that but i'm
going to do it i don't care but it's like um if you notice i work i have
bottles of cologne on me
all the time right in your car and have wet naps sure right on the go so this
is an emergency kit
so what i do is at the lax or whatever right dude when we're traveling that's
what you're doing you go
wipe off the leak and spray spray spray i spray on the pad on the fucking i
know wet ones i've smelled
it right then i do thing right just in case just in case there's leakage yeah
you don't have emergency
things like that anybody in the room please back me up anybody we're not over
50. oh that's true no
it's just i think it's i think that's hereditary i think that's your family i
think it's your day
yeah so my dad um i think i'm a korean kite as well you should start walking
around with it in there
just in case you know yeah my dad used to i mean dude one time man my dad my
dad my mom
fucked up on rice she fucked up rice when koreans up rice people get mad that's
divorce
yeah yeah that's how that's how marriages end so the dry rice rice was way too
dry oh yeah so my
brother and i my mom and dad were at the dinner table and my dad and you know
you know um korean
food what's the great thing about korean food when it comes when you're at a korean
restaurant
all the little little the little sides yeah yeah hundred so you know my mom did
the same thing
there's like 15 little tiny you know i mean oh i love that it's the best right
i love that and the
little grill on the table right snacks and then the rice was a little too dry
and once i took the bite
of the rice my mind went oh no yeah dry rice right right right my dad took the
table and threw it into
the ceiling and all the punch on stuck to the ceiling and it rained kimchi
right no i'm not kidding you
dude and it was like oh my mom was running from my dad it was insane kimchi
rain so if you're korean
don't make the dry make it perfect the rice make the rice perfect yeah see my
parents so much trauma
my parents never cooked my mom wasn't a big cook my dad's favorite meal of my
mom's is called burnt
chicken really it's called burnt chicken no sauce no there's a fuckload of
sauce oh everything is
sauce what kind of sauce she does like a she does like a homemade it's like a
honey barbecue with
it's got a homemade barbecue with uh a teriyaki base you know it's like a teriyaki
base that's a good
that's a good but it's burned chicken yeah it's chicken that they burned did
you do
you ever do hungry man the hungry man meals yeah yeah the frozen every meal
love those yeah my
favorite thing of the hungry man meal is that little dessert section oh like
the apple yeah the
brownie or apple or whatever oh it's the best you never did hungry man's no i've
done it before
i know the your parents yeah doctors he didn't have to do that yeah doctors fed
you no i had in la
my favorite was turkey and the little stuffing gravy one with the mashed
potatoes what is that
green peas and then the little that's a hungry man one yeah yeah and there's i
just don't do frozen
pasta do you do that in college i did a lot of bag of stoffers you know the stoffers
yeah yeah yeah
i used to do those and one time i was visiting my buddy tyler in dc and i had a
late night flight and
it was storming outside storming and uh tyler and i you know we used to get
high together all the time
that's how we met in high school smoking weed at lunch and i have a late night
flight he makes one of
those stoffers look at the stoffers two for one pasta bags he makes one of
these stoffers late
night pasta bags right one of those right there and that bag no bag right
exactly like grill asiago
chicken right so he grills up one of these things you know feeds me before i
catch my flight we're in
college and i'm sitting there and i go to the bathroom and i'm like feeling
kind of out of it and
i'm like jesus christ what am i doing i go back and sit down and i'm like
feeling funky and i'm already
kind of anxious because it's a it's a midnight flight or whatever it's pouring
down rain and he
goes uh are you stoned i go what i'm not stoned do you feel stoned i go why he
goes i put a huge
chunk of weed butter in the stoffers skillets i was like wait are you serious
he goes oh yeah i put a
load in there he's like i figured it'd be good for your flight i was like no
bad bad bad did you get high
so high i was so were you mad i was no i couldn't be mad i was scared yeah i
was like how am i gonna get to
the airport how am i getting home he's like oh what do you mean you'll catch a
cab you'll be fine
don't worry about it panic if somebody did that to me now oh oh sober oh i'll
be yeah no free one
no dude i got way too high should i do it as a surprise no no no because now it's
not oh yeah yeah
idiot if i eat a bowl of pasta you gave me there's no way i would know secretly
that you did it imagine
you dose his pasta but because the ozempic he can't finish it never even gets
high i know wow dude
so many of our friends are on ozempic i know it's crazy how many people are
talking to me about it or
whatever the other one is that you're on we go there's a couple bunch of
different ones the amount
of people and i can't name names it's not my business to say but the amount of
people that
i've told so many privately are on it so many i'm blowing my mind i feel like i
it's like i think
it's almost like a thing i'm finding out that you know when you find out as you
get older something your
parents did that you're like everybody did that yeah your parents like yeah we
just didn't don't
worry about it shut up i like i had no idea that many people took this it
really does work though
it's i i can't believe it i know i can believe it it's it's so yeah it's what
it's you know it's
supposed to help people stop fucking eating and it's working like you've when
it because i've been
taking this girl out to blvd yeah yeah yeah right yeah and even me um you know
what i order there
i go give me as my meal i get the three sauteed shrimp that's so good they are
so good right
and i'll get some um you know halibut um ceviche you're right and that's it and
that's all night
that's the only thing i'll eat what yeah you won't even have a piece of steak
no what no she ate a
fucking tomahawk like this no dessert nothing no dessert nothing that's i can't
get anything else in
that's incredible you eat it you're like i'm done i can't i'm about to vomit
god that's amazing it's
amazing it is a miracle and then you don't get like um hunger pains at night
what about yeah in the
middle of the night sometimes i do eat cereal in the middle of the night yeah
and i'll eat either
my favorite is i love golden grahams oh ggs right i like cinnamon life i like
cinnamon life cinnamon
life my friend well here's why you like it what because the milk is phenomenal
i i want to do cinnamon
life and just bottle that milk afterwards that sells cinnamon life smart you're
a bright guy why don't
they do that yeah that's what's your least favorite cereal this is easy oh it's
so easy captain crunch
because it cuts your tongue in your mouth i hate the flavor everything about it
but the
peanut butter captain crunch is pretty good i can't eat it i hate it what about
like blueberries
hate it wow i'm gonna tell you right now what i like count chocula
is that like fruity pebbles no count chocolate is like a iteration of captain
crunch okay fruity pebbles
anything fruity pebbly i like i don't like that uh do you like anything that
doesn't come with a toy
just make it up for andres being gone yeah well you're doing a great job
because he's just as shitty
as you that's the same bomb that that that that that that makes me mad that
that right there is
ruined it all for me no let's keep moving yeah yeah okay cocoa pebbles is the
same as fruity i like
the i like anything pebbly you are a pebble guy i'm a pebble guy and then also
okay so on fruit loops
no no so i don't like loops so apple jacks are out there wow wow that's crazy
apple jacks are so good
here what i do like i like um the the frosted mini wheats uh yeah okay first of
all it absorbs
the milk it's great it's the best they need more frosting no i like that one
side the frosting should
go all the way around that's not true at all frosting it's too much it's too
much no you then
you're eating just shredded wheats because by the way sometimes i'll say this
listen up dude those
things are the best listen up kellogg's yeah i'll tell you what pisses me off
about frosted mini
wheats lately they've been skimping on the frost a lot of times i'll see a mini
wheat there
the whole thing the whole one side isn't frosted it'll be a little piece of
frost look at that long
piece of fucking sometimes you get a double down i don't want a double one no i
love that all right
so i suck it like this right i know you do so and i've talked about this before
i think i don't know
where but and i've had to campaign because in the late 70s early 80s yeah um
there was one thing
that was the greatest thing ever made it was the greatest thing ever made it's
what i survived on
i i if i think about it today my mouth waters all right give me the initials i
can guess it you're
never gonna guess it give me the initials i'll just say carnation oh instant
the instant breakfast
no in the early 80s there was a carnation breakfast bar oh you told us about
this yeah yeah right the
breakfast bar and they stopped making it and if you go online people still want
the recipe i remember
this thing yeah it is the gr was the greatest breakfast thing the way it fell
apart in your
mouth crunch the crunch the crumble everything about it i would take i would
buy 15 boxes at the
fucking thing is carnation still a company look that up do they still exist
yeah they are they do but they don't
make those bars somebody owns them somebody's got to remake that why don't we
fucking we we should
do bad friends carnation breakfast bars who owns carnation now look that nestle
oh they do yeah
nestle parent company yeah frazier and neve and i think people have tried
online i've read on reddit
and stuff people try to make it i don't think they've i think they've failed if
there's something
magical about it well the magic is gone it's gone isn't it funny when you find
out who owns something
like the other day i looked up jet blue because i was like they were booking me
on a jet blue flight
because i got to fly for this gig and i was like oh yeah jet blue and then look
who owns jet blue
by the way because i was looking up what the oh my god wait hold on hold on
hold on before you get to
it i was looking up what the flight stat like are they owned by united or it
was like they had a
partnership right that's what i was looking for for their points or whatever
and then i accidentally
looked up who owns it zoom in look at this black rock vanguard black rock dude
i don't know who that is
one of the largest like venture capital conglomerate they own the world wow
they're probably the
fucking they're probably the biggest purveyors of like war black rock is
basically i mean they
make everything look what they own as of december black rocks market cap net
worth is 159 billion
dollars the world's largest money management firm they own everything wow they
have 11.5 trillion in
assets which means they which means they're trillion yeah because they're
military they make military
trillion yeah oh yeah big t um imagine me what would you do if you were a
trillionaire
you'd never see me again oh yeah you'd see me no on everything put yourself on
billboards all up and
down clouds the clouds would be my face is that a cloud look up all the clouds
would be uh they're
bobby seating again it's so rad yeah private military companies black water oh
yeah black rock not black
water that's black water no black rock does uh military uh contracting yeah
they do contracting right
trillion well dude you saw what happened the other day to elon musk right since
trump's election he made
40 billion dollars because of uh because of his stock options and everything
like that shot through
the roof between x spacex uh x tesla 439 billion 439 billion billion billion
dollars yeah yeah yeah look
at that jeff bezos 237 nice try bitch he's getting married who is bezos he's
getting married yeah in
aspen i think uh this weekend are you going did you get invited no no surprise
we should all get
invited for how many amazon my house is an amazon factory the amount of shit my
wife gets up from amazon
comical no it's honestly at this point the driver the other day goes back again
wow back again that's what
he says is she addicted i'm addicted is she addicted she's bad addicted yeah
yeah what did she get like
just bullshit it's all bullshit for the house it's it's like it's stuff it's
small stuff for the house
and you don't yell at her ever no why who gives a fuck so if it's just funny to
me i'm like more
shit wait so does she say to you does she say you know i spent 4200 this week
no she doesn't spend it's
not like that it's just small stuff yeah but she she she doesn't have to go to
you and go hey i spent this
no why okay that's great what a great dad a brother husband dad brother husband
you know some some
guys are like that like hey sweet i want to see the receipts or you know i mean
no because she's not
buying crazy she's just buying like she's so if she did spend like 22 22 000 on
something would she
tell you yeah we'd have to have a conversation 22 000 i'd be like what was it
what what was it did you buy
heels baby you bought 22 000 high heels no i bought like 14 of them that led up
to 22 000 so don't yell
at me no i well i am yeah yeah that's a lot of money why are we spending 22 000
on shoes i like them
i know that you like them but could you get less than 14 no you need them yeah
you promise yes all
right it's fine and you're fine with it i guess if you say you need them what
am i going to do if you
say you need them what am i what am i going to say yeah because then it's like
then i want to go buy
something fun for me and because she could be like why do you want that car i
really love cars what's
the justification right we all have our that the our partner could go well that's
stupid as yeah and by the way it probably is shoes are dumb clothes are dumb
cars are dumb toys are dumb
but like i want we want them so fuck it guess what the number one thing i buy
off of tick tock and
instagram and i get something every week sex toys no pants no shoes uh slides
what's the slide mean
sandals flip that he's right that's comfy sandals no oh oh oh uh um a thing for
the a thing for the
cats yes i fuck oh i did that and it never came i was so mad think for the cats
you know why then i
bought it on amazon the same thing and the cat didn't even play with it that's
why that's why
you have to buy a lot you gotta buy you gotta buy more i buy everything a bird
a mechanical bird right
right you charge it right and the cats just kind of walk by it they don't give
a fuck dude you got
to keep trying yeah i keep trying i bought a scratching post that looked like
an asian temple
oh and it's out it's right outside my when i left the house today the box was
there so i'm going to
assemble it when i get back you

You NEVER F*** Up on Rice!!!!!

do you ever ever ever caught me smelling my what you never caught me doing have
you caught me doing
that smelling it you've caught me george right no yeah yeah what i'll do is and
it's quick
i'll just go oh i've seen you do that you've seen me do that right yeah it's
because of the leaking
oh you want to make sure you're not leaking too much yeah yeah yeah you leak
don't you carlos
yeah those pipes those pipes leak now george leaks for sure so my so my when my
brother was um
12 years old he had a neighborhood this jewish kid that came over and my
brother had um a casio
keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday yeah and when my dad
took naps right if
you made if a feather fell on the ground forget it it's it's the incredible the
yellow incredible hall
it's like you know what i mean like all right so my brother was playing
keyboards right my dad took naps
naked why so this is broad daylight on a saturday right my dad walks into my
brother's room completely
naked right my dad he takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back
keys are flying out right
but when he turned around my brother and um his friend laughed because what did
they see your dad's
little korean penis no he turned around leaving the room oh his ass the korean
kite my dad used to
sleep with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole and the toilet would
be sticking out he
looked like a korean kite right and the reason why i didn't know until now i
know my age and i had to
stick toilet paper why you leak or something there's a little bit of leakage
sometimes at night
or just 24 7 when you sleep right now you have tp well i'm on ozempic right now
so it clogs it up
right but in just regular sometimes really yeah so i have to like and what i do
is i don't know if
you know that notice i don't know why i'm revealing this is so disgusting give
it to me well i'm already
giving it to you well go okay this is so disgusting i don't even know what i
should say that but i'm
going to do it i don't care but it's like um if you notice i work i have
bottles of cologne on me
all the time right in your car and have wet naps sure right on the go so this
is an emergency kit
so what i do is at the lax or whatever right dude when we're traveling that's
what you're doing you go
wipe off the leak and spray spray spray i spray on the pad on the fucking i
know wet ones i've smelled
it right then i do thing right just in case just in case there's leakage yeah
you don't have emergency
things like that anybody in the room please back me up anybody we're not over
50. oh that's true no
it's just i think it's i think that's hereditary i think that's your family i
think it's your day
yeah so my dad um i think i'm a korean kite as well you should start walking
around with it in there
just in case you know yeah my dad used to i mean dude one time man my dad my
dad my mom
fucked up on rice she fucked up rice when koreans up rice people get mad that's
divorce
yeah yeah that's how that's how marriages end so the dry rice rice was way too
dry oh yeah so my
brother and i my mom and dad were at the dinner table and my dad and you know
you know um korean
food what's the great thing about korean food when it comes when you're at a korean
restaurant
all the little little the little sides yeah yeah hundred so you know my mom did
the same thing
there's like 15 little tiny you know i mean oh i love that it's the best right
i love that and the
little grill on the table right snacks and then the rice was a little too dry
and once i took the bite
of the rice my mind went oh no yeah dry rice right right right my dad took the
table and threw it into
the ceiling and all the punch on stuck to the ceiling and it rained kimchi
right no i'm not kidding you
dude and it was like oh my mom was running from my dad it was insane kimchi
rain so if you're korean
don't make the dry make it perfect the rice make the rice perfect yeah see my
parents so much trauma
my parents never cooked my mom wasn't a big cook my dad's favorite meal of my
mom's is called burnt
chicken really it's called burnt chicken no sauce no there's a fuckload of
sauce oh everything is
sauce what kind of sauce she does like a she does like a homemade it's like a
honey barbecue with
it's got a homemade barbecue with uh a teriyaki base you know it's like a teriyaki
base that's a good
that's a good but it's burned chicken yeah it's chicken that they burned did
you do
you ever do hungry man the hungry man meals yeah yeah the frozen every meal
love those yeah my
favorite thing of the hungry man meal is that little dessert section oh like
the apple yeah the
brownie or apple or whatever oh it's the best you never did hungry man's no i've
done it before
i know the your parents yeah doctors he didn't have to do that yeah doctors fed
you no i had in la
my favorite was turkey and the little stuffing gravy one with the mashed
potatoes what is that
green peas and then the little that's a hungry man one yeah yeah and there's i
just don't do frozen
pasta do you do that in college i did a lot of bag of stoffers you know the stoffers
yeah yeah yeah
i used to do those and one time i was visiting my buddy tyler in dc and i had a
late night flight and
it was storming outside storming and uh tyler and i you know we used to get
high together all the time
that's how we met in high school smoking weed at lunch and i have a late night
flight he makes one of
those stoffers look at the stoffers two for one pasta bags he makes one of
these stoffers late
night pasta bags right one of those right there and that bag no bag right
exactly like grill asiago
chicken right so he grills up one of these things you know feeds me before i
catch my flight we're in
college and i'm sitting there and i go to the bathroom and i'm like feeling
kind of out of it and
i'm like jesus christ what am i doing i go back and sit down and i'm like
feeling funky and i'm already
kind of anxious because it's a it's a midnight flight or whatever it's pouring
down rain and he
goes uh are you stoned i go what i'm not stoned do you feel stoned i go why he
goes i put a huge
chunk of weed butter in the stoffers skillets i was like wait are you serious
he goes oh yeah i put a
load in there he's like i figured it'd be good for your flight i was like no
bad bad bad did you get high
so high i was so were you mad i was no i couldn't be mad i was scared yeah i
was like how am i gonna get to
the airport how am i getting home he's like oh what do you mean you'll catch a
cab you'll be fine
don't worry about it panic if somebody did that to me now oh oh sober oh i'll
be yeah no free one
no dude i got way too high should i do it as a surprise no no no because now it's
not oh yeah yeah
idiot if i eat a bowl of pasta you gave me there's no way i would know secretly
that you did it imagine
you dose his pasta but because the ozempic he can't finish it never even gets
high i know wow dude
so many of our friends are on ozempic i know it's crazy how many people are
talking to me about it or
whatever the other one is that you're on we go there's a couple bunch of
different ones the amount
of people and i can't name names it's not my business to say but the amount of
people that
i've told so many privately are on it so many i'm blowing my mind i feel like i
it's like i think
it's almost like a thing i'm finding out that you know when you find out as you
get older something your
parents did that you're like everybody did that yeah your parents like yeah we
just didn't don't
worry about it shut up i like i had no idea that many people took this it
really does work though
it's i i can't believe it i know i can believe it it's it's so yeah it's what
it's you know it's
supposed to help people stop fucking eating and it's working like you've when
it because i've been
taking this girl out to blvd yeah yeah yeah right yeah and even me um you know
what i order there
i go give me as my meal i get the three sauteed shrimp that's so good they are
so good right
and i'll get some um you know halibut um ceviche you're right and that's it and
that's all night
that's the only thing i'll eat what yeah you won't even have a piece of steak
no what no she ate a
fucking tomahawk like this no dessert nothing no dessert nothing that's i can't
get anything else in
that's incredible you eat it you're like i'm done i can't i'm about to vomit
god that's amazing it's
amazing it is a miracle and then you don't get like um hunger pains at night
what about yeah in the
middle of the night sometimes i do eat cereal in the middle of the night yeah
and i'll eat either
my favorite is i love golden grahams oh ggs right i like cinnamon life i like
cinnamon life cinnamon
life my friend well here's why you like it what because the milk is phenomenal
i i want to do cinnamon
life and just bottle that milk afterwards that sells cinnamon life smart you're
a bright guy why don't
they do that yeah that's what's your least favorite cereal this is easy oh it's
so easy captain crunch
because it cuts your tongue in your mouth i hate the flavor everything about it
but the
peanut butter captain crunch is pretty good i can't eat it i hate it what about
like blueberries
hate it wow i'm gonna tell you right now what i like count chocula
is that like fruity pebbles no count chocolate is like a iteration of captain
crunch okay fruity pebbles
anything fruity pebbly i like i don't like that uh do you like anything that
doesn't come with a toy
just make it up for andres being gone yeah well you're doing a great job
because he's just as shitty
as you that's the same bomb that that that that that that makes me mad that
that right there is
ruined it all for me no let's keep moving yeah yeah okay cocoa pebbles is the
same as fruity i like
the i like anything pebbly you are a pebble guy i'm a pebble guy and then also
okay so on fruit loops
no no so i don't like loops so apple jacks are out there wow wow that's crazy
apple jacks are so good
here what i do like i like um the the frosted mini wheats uh yeah okay first of
all it absorbs
the milk it's great it's the best they need more frosting no i like that one
side the frosting should
go all the way around that's not true at all frosting it's too much it's too
much no you then
you're eating just shredded wheats because by the way sometimes i'll say this
listen up dude those
things are the best listen up kellogg's yeah i'll tell you what pisses me off
about frosted mini
wheats lately they've been skimping on the frost a lot of times i'll see a mini
wheat there
the whole thing the whole one side isn't frosted it'll be a little piece of
frost look at that long
piece of fucking sometimes you get a double down i don't want a double one no i
love that all right
so i suck it like this right i know you do so and i've talked about this before
i think i don't know
where but and i've had to campaign because in the late 70s early 80s yeah um
there was one thing
that was the greatest thing ever made it was the greatest thing ever made it's
what i survived on
i i if i think about it today my mouth waters all right give me the initials i
can guess it you're
never gonna guess it give me the initials i'll just say carnation oh instant
the instant breakfast
no in the early 80s there was a carnation breakfast bar oh you told us about
this yeah yeah right the
breakfast bar and they stopped making it and if you go online people still want
the recipe i remember
this thing yeah it is the gr was the greatest breakfast thing the way it fell
apart in your
mouth crunch the crunch the crumble everything about it i would take i would
buy 15 boxes at the
fucking thing is carnation still a company look that up do they still exist
yeah they are they do but they don't
make those bars somebody owns them somebody's got to remake that why don't we
fucking we we should
do bad friends carnation breakfast bars who owns carnation now look that nestle
oh they do yeah
nestle parent company yeah frazier and neve and 