Name: Illegal Koreans
Uploaded: 2025-03-04T18:23:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Illegal Koreans' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Illegal Koreans' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-04. Transcript available.

- Oh, it's so good, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
- What was it about?
- They were, they were mad at ICE.
- Oh, yeah, and, oh, dude, and then tomorrow, hey, are you gonna not work
tomorrow?
- Carlos.
- Oh, because y'all, because of the protests against DEI?
- No, no, tomorrow.
- What?
- They're doing, Hispanics are gonna do a no work day.
- So what do you mean it's like every day for them?
- Exactly.
- No, but you better not be working tomorrow, dude.
- I have to be here.
- Yeah, he has to work tomorrow.
- Oh my God, he's a traitor.
- Traitor.
- No, I'm working.
- Scared.
- Scared.
- I'm legal, I'm legal.
- Yeah, right.
- No, yeah, the people that are legal are also protesting for their people.
- Yeah, don't you get it?
- I asked about my maid in Houston, and apparently she's fine.
She's illegal.
- Well, that's good.
Juanita's fine?
- No, Marina.
- Oh, okay.
Listen, listen, I wanna say something up front, if I may.
That's wrong.
- That's wrong.
- One day we're gonna have a Korean protest.
- Mm-mm.
- Yeah, yeah.
- For what?
- What?
- What's the protest?
- No more, we're not gonna make bibimbap for a day.
- Well, what would we do without bibimbap?
- You know what else we're gonna do?
We're gonna dig back our kimchi up from the ground.
- Unvariate?
- So they don't ferment for one day, dude.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- I don't like that.
- Yeah, I know, dude.
You want them to ferment.
- I like kimchi a lot.
- Also those girls at the karaoke, they're not working.
- No.
- Yeah, dude.
Those, what are those glass girls?
What do they call them?
- Grass girls?
- No, what do they call them?
- I don't know, but let me say this.
Donald Trump, please don't get rid of Koreans.
Like we, please.
Mexicans are fine.
Get rid of 'em.
- No, get rid of,
how about the ones that came over here illegally?
- Koreans?
- The Koreans, yeah.
- Do Koreans come over here illegally?
- No, we follow the rules.
We're law abiding.
- I gotta say something, wow.
the woman who cleans the house sometimes.
- Your house?
- I got scared 'cause I thought,
what if she, is she gonna get gone?
And then I asked her and I said,
I said, hey, you know, if, you know.
- I know.
- If I gotta blow the whistle,
you know, what do I do?
- Yeah, I did.
- And she said, I'm from New Mexico.
And I was like, what?
- Really?
- Yeah, she's from Albuquerque.
- They have accent?
- Yeah, it's so thick, I had no idea.
- Well, then she's lying.
She's a lying bastard.
- Okay, you be me and I'll be here.
I'll show you how it went.
- I'm you?
- Yeah.
- Good morning.
Hey, Juanita.
- Her name's, just say Maria.
- Oh, sorry.
Hey, Maria.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Andrew.
You know, I'm very concerned about what's going on with the Trump thing and
stuff.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, so anything I can do to help, you know?
- Hmm, maybe more money first.
- Wait, where are you from?
You're from Mexico, right?
- Albuquerque.
- Oh, you know, Jon Jones?
- Of course.
I do love her so much.
What would I do?
I said she could live at our house.
- Mine?
- Live with us.
- Last week?
- I gave her, so I Venmo her the money.
- You don't give her cash?
- No, Venmo.
- Got to give him cash.
- Which, look what I did though.
- Because they got to pay taxes on that.
- I gave her 200 cash on top of the money.
- Ooh.
- Because I never thought I was going to see her again.
- That's it?
- I swear to God.
- $200?
Good luck?
- It was like, hey, thanks for all the laughs.
Because, you know, I make fun of her when she's, you know what I mean?
- I get it.
- So I just went, you know, senorita here.
I don't know her name, but I go.
- You don't know her name?
- Yeah, I do.
This woman is like the love of my, I love her.
She's honestly like a Mexican family.
- I trust mine.
Do you play games with yours?
- All the time.
We play hide-go-seek.
- No, not those kind of games.
- We play hide-go-seek.
- And she never comes and finds me.
- Yeah, yeah.
- She just goes to work.
- I go, "Marco."
And they go, "Pollo."
- "Pollo."
- "Pollo."
- "Pollo."
- "Marco."
- "Pollo."
- "Pollo."
- Let me say this, Trump.
Come on.
- Do it.
- Leave the Koreans alone.
Leave the Koreans alone.
- Also, leave the Mexicans alone.
- Yeah, get 'em outta here!
- Because now, check it out, dude.
Who's gonna do those jobs?
No, you're not strawberry.
Oh yeah, you'd look like you'd pick strawberries.
- I love, I love a strawberry boy.
- You love strawberries, yeah.
- I'd eat so many.
- What would I, could I,
you think I could pick cotton?
- Hmm.
- Do you think I could?
- No.
- How many little swabs?
I don't know how it works.
Do you go swab by swab?
- It's swab by swab.
- Is it a puff?
What do you call it?
- Up, up, up.
That's a good.
- How do you do it?
Do you use a scythe?
- No, do they do by hand?
A scythe?
Is that a real word?
- In Stardew Valley, we use scythe.
- Oh, scythe.
- Yeah, to get wheat.
- Oh, you mean like a sickle?
- Is it called a sickle or a scythe?
- Sickle.
- Okay, what's a scythe then?
- Dude, I hope to God that you read sickle as scythe.
- No, I think there's a scythe, dude.
I'll kill myself.
- I'm not gonna say you're wrong.
- I've been seeing scythe for years, dude,
because it's Stardew Valley.
- Is it scythe?
I know what a sickle is.
- It's got a curve to it.
- That's a sickle.
- Like a Grim Reaper.
- That's a sickle.
- That's not a sickle, it's a scythe.
- That's a scythe?
No, a sickle is a handheld scythe.
- No.
- Like a hammer and a sickle.
- Scythe is that, dude.
With the hook.
- Scythe.
- Right, that's a scythe.
- Okay, what's a sickle?
- Aha!
For once I'm right, bastard!
- I know, dude, I'm shocked.
- You're dumb!
- I'm shocked.
- You're all dumb-dumbs, dude.
- Slow down there.
- All right, for once I'm right.
- It's almost the exact same thing.
- Yeah.
- What, a sickle?
- A scythe is just a longer-handed.
- Exactly.
You don't use a sickle when you cut cotton?
- You don't use a scythe eater, you fuckhead.
- I do!
- You don't!
- Yeah, I get the ones far.
- Oh.
- You know what I mean?
I pick the ones close and I get the ones far, dude.
- Cotton is just by hand, right?
It's just pick, pick, pick.
- Oh my God.
Can I wear gloves?
- I don't think so.
Those gloves that they use in the football games,
the gigantic, like, finger ones.
- Number one?
- Yeah.
- How do they pick cotton today?
I do want to know.
I actually don't know.
It's got to be a big machine-
- I want to know how.
- A big machine that forks it up, right?
Today, cotton is almost exclusively picked
by using large machines called cotton pickers,
which- - Exactly.
- Exactly.
- Sounds racist.
- But dude, you know what?
- Whoa, little white boy,
get away from that cotton picker.
- But back in the day, do you think,
in the 1800s,
do you think you and I would be able to do it?
- No way.
- We would- - You and me,
we'd fold immediately.
- You know, but- - My back would hurt.
You would be sweating.
- I would be singing.
Swing-
- Swing-aloo.
Sweeter.
Terrier.
- Dude, you be singing with me.
- That's the movie we should make.
- Dude, you got to do the Irish song.
- You and I in the-
- Irish accent.
Let me start.
- Yeah.
- Swing-aloo.
- Sweeter.
Chariot.
- Dude, we would get nothing done.
- We'd get nothing done.
- And then you would smoke and light a field on fire
on accident.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- We would get fired.
- Oh.
- Well, it's interesting they never got little people
to do cotton paint 'cause it's so low to the ground,
you don't have to bend over.
- Oh, that's good.
- You send them out.
- Yeah.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That'd be great.
- It's crazy.
We would never last if we weren't in this.
Do you realize if we weren't living right now,
you and I would be fucked?
- That's, you know, when people say that,
and I argue against it.
- What would we do in another time?
- 'Cause I'm gonna say something, okay?
I'm the way I am is because of the environment that I'm in.
Like, hear me out there.
No, I mean, you laugh at me, you mock me, dude,
but I'm gonna tell you something right now.
- You know, I just do what's necessary.
- No.
- Yes, I do what's, I've always done what's necessary.
- Bare minimum.
- Yeah, but just survival, right?
- Yeah.
- Right, so back then, I would do the bare minimal,
but I would still be able to survive and eat
and all that stuff, so I would work.
- You think so?
'Cause a lot of people went and starved to death
because they did the bare minimum.
If you couldn't contribute, you were gone.
You were dead.
Bare minimum today, you get away with anything you want.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay. - You know what I'm saying.
- No, keep saying.
- Because, because bare minimum today,
just you can get by, but you have so many resources.
Back then, what would you do to get food?
You're not going to hunt.
- Yeah, but I would have developed a different skillset.
- What do you think your skillset would have been?
That's my point.
- I would be able to omelette.
- Omelette station.
- No, no, what I'm saying is I would probably make,
came out wrong.
- These days with the price of eggs?
- No, I would have figured something else out.
I would also done like maybe prostitution.
- So you'd hook yourself out.
- I would do something that's going to be,
or you know, I know what I would do.
Opium then.
I would do something kind of borderline illegal.
- Right.
- You know what I mean?
Right this way, Mr. John, you know what I mean?
And I would sit down, right?
And I would supply, I'd have that supply chain going.
- Okay. Well that's not the minimum.
That's good.
That's good work ethic.
- I would say Mr. Lee's.
- Mysteries.
- Yeah, Mr. Lee's.
I just, I see the fucking font.
- Oh, I see it now.
- I see the lights.
- Right.
- It's like Vegas.
- Yes.
- Mysteries, right?
Premium Opium.
Right?
Discount for white.
- Wait, why?
- Just get people in.
- Get them in.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Get the bodies in there.
I know, you know, the other, who's not allowed.
- Got it, I get it.
- Like guess who it might.
- Well, no hats, no loose fitting clothes.
- No, that's just people.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, no what?
- Yeah, no Timberland boots.
I know what you're, I get it.
- Yeah, yeah.
No FUBU.
'Cause I'm gonna have different things in there, right?
That's gonna like make my store shine.
- What?
- Foot massages.
- They got that?
- I know, I know, but I'll do other things
like Brazilian wax.
- This is all going back to you.
- Red eyebrows.
- You're selling your body.
- Manicures.
- Yeah, I'll stick sit on your dick.
- All right, this is all you a hooker.
This is you, this all is just a front
for you being a hooker.
- No, it's not, no it's not.
- Yeah.
- That's last case.
- That's first case, case closed.
- First of all, have you ever tried to have sex
when you're on opium?
- Have you?
- Yeah, it's impossible.
- I'll have this, I've had,
I've tried to have sex on opioids, yeah.
- Yeah, it's hard, even opioids it's hard.
- You can't get hard, it's hard.
- It's hard to get hard.
- Yeah, it's hard to get hard.
- So I would like, if some white burly guy was like,
jacked up on my premium opium,
like straight from like, you know what I mean?
The opium, opium.
- Right from the opium.
- Yeah, right from the opium, straight from the tap.
- Right from it.
- Right, and they're still able to go,
hey man, you know what I mean?
Get your butt over here, you know what I mean?
I would be like, oh fuck, this one I have to do it.
- Gotta do it.
- Yeah.
- Woo hoo, yeah, woo hoo, yeah, woo hoo, yeah, woo hoo, yeah.