Name: Chris Distefano Apologizes to Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2025-03-20T17:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano Apologizes to Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano Apologizes to Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-20. Transcript available.

- And you know, what I appreciated about it
is that you haven't done one Asian accent
since you've been on the show.
- No.
- Yeah, because why, why?
- Because I feel--
- When you do it, you get some heat online?
- I got some heat online, and like I said before,
I said this a couple of episodes, I came on here
and I apologized because I got yelled at
for some Asian accents I was doing,
and I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology.
- Yeah.
- I handed it with, "I'm a Saudi."
- I know, I know.
- And then people got mad at me.
- At that too.
- And then people got mad.
- They're gonna be mad at that, you think?
- They're gonna be mad at that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And then, so I just wanna say look into the camera
this time and mean I really am actually sorry
for saying that.
- Yeah, but he--
- No, and I'm sorry, it hurts me.
- But we're, you know, I make fun of you.
- I have rough--
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- It's a tension here.
- I know, when white people, when you have this,
yeah, you gotta stretch it out farther,
cause it relieves the brain.
You gotta get to the temple.
- You know what helps, too?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sometimes when I have a,
my therapist said to do this.
- Yeah, yeah.
- The tensioner, you pull it back,
and you go like this.
- And that releases the pressure.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's, yeah, I do that too at home.
- And it feels so good.
Your headache goes away.
White people, I'm telling you,
no matter where you are,
you know what I mean?
- Sometime, sometime--
- Yeah, when you're in Taekwondo class,
or wherever you might be at.
- Sometime--
- At your local Chinese restaurant,
if you have a headache,
see right there, you just, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
That guy has a headache.
That's not Mickey Rooney.
That's a guy with a headache.
- Sometime, last week,
my daughter was asking me for help
with her math homework,
and I said, "Honey, I don't know the answer."
And I'm like this.
And then the answer just came to me.
And then I, and then I just said,
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now, let me ask you,
you're Asian, right, Jules?
- Mm-hmm.
- When you see white people behave like that,
how do you feel?
- Well, if I don't know them, then it's annoying.
- That's the thing, there we go.
That's what we're talking about here.
- But I was--
- It's about, we know each other.
I make fun of white people's penises.
- Mm-hmm.
- I make fun of their dumbness,
you know what I mean?
Some of their cultural misgivings.
- Yes, yes.
- And I think if I know somebody,
I feel like anything's at play here.
- I've made a decision in my life-- - Me too.
- And this has freed me from a lot of stuff online,
is I don't care about anyone's opinion,
good or bad, unless I personally know you,
or I've met you.
Like, if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me,
I would genuinely apologize to you.
But a random fan online,
if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad,
I don't let it affect me either way.
- The only people that I personally know,
and I've met in the physical space,
because my brains are not equipped.
I can't process praise or hate from Nebraska.
- Yeah. - I can't process it.
- Well, we have a friend in mute,
I don't wanna say his name,
but we have a friend that was working through that.
He called me a couple of months ago,
paranoid about a bunch of stuff online he was reading.
He was super depressed. - Right.
- And I told this person, I said, don't read it.
- Yeah. - You just don't read it.
- Yeah.
- I don't read anything.
- No. - Yeah.
- No.
- People go, oh, we'll read it, this and that.
I don't even know, I've never been on it.
I don't know. - No.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
And that's how you have to live.
Because if I did read it,
I think it would affect me.
- And you know what?
And you know what?
That our friend, our mutual friend,
who when we both talked to him about it-
- I wouldn't see his name so bad.
- When we talked to him about it.
- I wouldn't see his name.
- Say his name and then put it patreon.com/badfriends.
- No, he said, and this is very accurate of him.
He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments,
all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.
You hate yourself.
And so you're looking for it to be justified by the comments.
You wanna say, oh, Chris sucks.
You're looking for it 'cause you think you suck.
But if you're positive, you come from a positive place,
you don't go looking for it.
So I think you at times, Bobby, you know,
I need therapy, you need this, you need that,
but you're much more positive place than you think.
- No, I think I am.
- I think that.
- I think I am.
I've been doing things that, let's be serious for a second.
And we're doing a lot of like, you know, this
and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know what I mean?
All that stuff.
But what I wanna say is that there's another thing
that I do is I was at the Chicago Improv
and I was at the Schomburg Improv.
I was in the green room and a waitress came.
You know, every green room, the club waitress
is they're the head, you know, they take care of you.
- That's the head waitress.
- The head waitress.
And she's like, I'm gonna be your waitress all weekend,
whatever you need, just let me know.
- What's the tips?
- And so she, she goes, this is so-and-so
and she's interning and she seemed shy,
but also she kind of looked me weird.
She was like, she kind of looked at me like this.
And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room.
I go, oh yeah, she doesn't like me.
And they go, what?
I go, I can tell.
And then- - I think it's because,
but do you think it's because,
were you making it up
or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out?
- No, I didn't.
No, that wasn't when I did that.
Yeah, I would never do that.
All right?
I would never do that.
I would respect her too much.
- Okay.
- And that wouldn't be good.
- And by the way, I just want to make it clear,
even if it looks like I did on camera before,
I didn't pull out any of my penis.
I, I, I- - I know you don't.
- It was my thigh.
- It was my thigh.
- It was your thigh, I know exactly.
All right, so let's get that out in the clear.
- Yeah.
- But then two days later, she came up to me,
and she goes, "Hey, I just want, you know,
I'm just like, I have a bad friend's t-shirt.
I'm a huge fan."
- Oh.
- So in my mind, I was like,
oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true.
And it's because I had, I don't, growing up,
I don't have to read my parents.
'Cause my parents were snapper heads.
- Is that a, is that like a slur?
- Damn, snapper heads, take it up all, no.
- For Koreans from San Diego.
- No, no, no, no, they, they were physically violent.
- Towards you.
- Yeah, yeah, and they would just, you know,
and so every day was reading the situation
and to protect myself.
- Right.
- Right, to like, for danger.
And I do that out in the wild, you know what I mean?
And I'm tired of doing it because it's like,
it's usually not true, you know what I mean?
And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me.
And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable,
which I want to change that narrative as well.
- But here's the good thing to know
is that most people don't care at all.
Most people-- - They don't care, that's the thing.
They don't think about it.
- You know what it is with the Zoom, you know what it is.
You make an ass out of you and me, you know that.
- I know that.
That's a really good, I like those little, yeah, yeah.
I like those little.
- Just one more.
- Here's another one, a little tidbit.
- Here's another parable and this one's for you, Don.
Their wives are foolish and their children wicked.
Accursed their brood, but the children of adulterers--
- Don, how come you never sit down?
Come sit down for a second. - Come sit down.
We'll remain at that issue.
- You never come in. - And the progeny
of an unlawful bed will disappear,
for should they attain long life,
they will be held no esteem.
Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope,
nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny,
for dire is the end of the wicked generation.
- Yeah. - That's what it is.
- Don, did you listen?
That was for you.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that was really good.
- What are you doing, what are you doing?
- Oh, there was a little advice
I was telling him yesterday.
Do you want me to say it? - Tell him, tell him.
- No. - I shouldn't say it.
- No. - Then why'd you just do that?
- 'Cause you, 'cause I was practicing.
- Oh yeah, you were practicing.
That was very good though, dude.
- Yeah, yeah. - Very good learner.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Um, um, um, Chris.
- Yes. - Yes.
- I'll just tell you.
- Tell him. - I can tell him.
- Tell him. - But it has nothing to do with--
- She's not, yeah, yeah. - I was just saying, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. - So what I'm saying is that,
you know, when you're in a relationship, right?
- And I was telling a bunch of comics this in the room.
- Yeah. - Right?
And you wanna get out of the relationship,
I can never end it.
- Right. - All right?
Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out.
- Right. - Right?
- So you can force a window to open.
- Right. - By doing some of my techniques.
- You can force a window to be open. - Yeah, yeah.
- The problem is for me with that, where I have,
I don't have, my house isn't the best right now,
and I have air conditioners in the window.
- It's just an analogy. - So I'm gonna open the window.
- It's an analogy. - I don't have central air.
- It's an analogy. - Okay, but I have--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I could hurt somebody. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't wanna do that. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Well, yeah, it was just an analogy.
- Okay. - Or door to open, whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- An opportunity. - An opportunity.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, and that's where you have to get out.
- Right. - Okay.
- So what it is when you do the little techniques,
and one of the techniques I was telling people was,
you want her to break up with you.
Subtle thing. - The coward way.
- That's the coward's way, right?
- The coward way.
- So you do subtle things, and one of my techniques is,
you forget their name for a split second every time,
and you use a snap, right?
So you go, "Hey, Kathy," right?
"Hey, what are we gonna eat tonight, Kathy," right?
- You do that-- - Smart.
- 30 times, it seeps into their subconscious,
and they don't know what's bothering them.
They don't know what that's bothering them, right?
- Yeah. - And that's where the windows will open.
Another one, I have several of them.
- Smart. - What?
- Very smart, right? - Smart.
- That's actually very smart.
- Tell them another one. - Another one, which one?
- The, um, the--
- I think I've told people this one before
on this podcast before.
- Let's hear it though, I haven't heard it.
- Okay, you haven't heard it, right.
- Remember this pro-- you can-- sometimes you can say things
that you've said on a podcast before, previously,
because guess what?
As Marcus Aurelius said,
you never step in the same river twice,
'cause the river's always flowing,
it's always new water.
So when you step in it, it's a different light,
a different experience. - Oh, so you can say the same thing.
- Different emotion, yes.
This is a different river. - Never step in the same river twice.
- Yeah, yeah, so all you have to do this is five times, okay?
So those snapping 30 times, this five times, okay?
When you orgasm, you don't make a noise,
you look directly into their eyes.
They have to be looking at you, right?
And you orgasm with your face.
- It's hard for me to-- I'm never looking in when I come--
- I know, but this is what you need to do.
- I'm always facing this way.
- I know. In order for you to do this exercise,
you have to be doing missionary. - So I have to have a mirror
in front of me. - This is what you do, right?
You look in their eyes and you go,
you go like this, you go,
like that, right?
If you do that five times subconsciously, right?
They will break up with you.
- Yeah, it's terrifying. - Yeah, it's terrifying.
- Terrifying. - Third thing.
- Yeah, third thing. - Yeah, third thing, right?
- That's third thing. - This is a basic one.
- No, this is good. - You gave 'em the same present twice.
- That's huge. - It's a good one.
- That's a good one. - Right.
- Because they usually go, they always say,
I don't, it's just the thought that counts.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't care, right?
All right, here's two oven mitts, bitch.
You know what I mean?
*outro music*

Chris Distefano Apologizes to Bobby Lee

- And you know, what I appreciated about it
is that you haven't done one Asian accent
since you've been on the show.
- No.
- Yeah, because why, why?
- Because I feel--
- When you do it, you get some heat online?
- I got some heat online, and like I said before,
I said this a couple of episodes, I came on here
and I apologized because I got yelled at
for some Asian accents I was doing,
and I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology.
- Yeah.
- I handed it with, "I'm a Saudi."
- I know, I know.
- And then people got mad at me.
- At that too.
- And then people got mad.
- They're gonna be mad at that, you think?
- They're gonna be mad at that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And then, so I just wanna say look into the camera
this time and mean I really am actually sorry
for saying that.
- Yeah, but he--
- No, and I'm sorry, it hurts me.
- But we're, you know, I make fun of you.
- I have rough--
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- It's a tension here.
- I know, when white people, when you have this,
yeah, you gotta stretch it out farther,
cause it relieves the brain.
You gotta get to the temple.
- You know what helps, too?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sometimes when I have a,
my therapist said to do this.
- Yeah, yeah.
- The tensioner, you pull it back,
and you go like this.
- And that releases the pressure.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's, yeah, I do that too at home.
- And it feels so good.
Your headache goes away.
White people, I'm telling you,
no matter where you are,
you know what I mean?
- Sometime, sometime--
- Yeah, when you're in Taekwondo class,
or wherever you might be at.
- Sometime--
- At your local Chinese restaurant,
if you have a headache,
see right there, you just, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
That guy has a headache.
That's not Mickey Rooney.
That's a guy with a headache.
- Sometime, last week,
my daughter was asking me for help
with her math homework,
and I said, "Honey, I don't know the answer."
And I'm like this.
And then the answer just came to me.
And then I, and then I just said,
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now, let me ask you,
you're Asian, right, Jules?
- Mm-hmm.
- When you see white people behave like that,
how do you feel?
- Well, if I don't know them, then it's annoying.
- That's the thing, there we go.
That's what we're talking about here.
- But I was--
- It's about, we know each other.
I make fun of white people's penises.
- Mm-hmm.
- I make fun of their dumbness,
you know what I mean?
Some of their cultural misgivings.
- Yes, yes.
- And I think if I know somebody,
I feel like anything's at play here.
- I've made a decision in my life-- - Me too.
- And this has freed me from a lot of stuff online,
is I don't care about anyone's opinion,
good or bad, unless I personally know you,
or I've met you.
Like, if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me,
I would genuinely apologize to you.
But a random fan online,
if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad,
I don't let it affect me either way.
- The only people that I personally know,
and I've met in the physical space,
because my brains are not equipped.
I can't process praise or hate from Nebraska.
- Yeah. - I can't process it.
- Well, we have a friend in mute,
I don't wanna say his name,
but we have a friend that was working through that.
He called me a couple of months ago,
paranoid about a bunch of stuff online he was reading.
He was super depressed. - Right.
- And I told this person, I said, don't read it.
- Yeah. - You just don't read it.
- Yeah.
- I don't read anything.
- No. - Yeah.
- No.
- People go, oh, we'll read it, this and that.
I don't even know, I've never been on it.
I don't know. - No.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
And that's how you have to live.
Because if I did read it,
I think it would affect me.
- And you know what?
And you know what?
That our friend, our mutual friend,
who when we both talked to him about it-
- I wouldn't see his name so bad.
- When we talked to him about it.
- I wouldn't see his name.
- Say his name and then put it patreon.com/badfriends.
- No, he said, and this is very accurate of him.
He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments,
all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate.
You hate yourself.
And so you're looking for it to be justified by the comments.
You wanna say, oh, Chris sucks.
You're looking for it 'cause you think you suck.
But if you're positive, you come from a positive place,
you don't go looking for it.
So I think you at times, Bobby, you know,
I need therapy, you need this, you need that,
but you're much more positive place than you think.
- No, I think I am.
- I think that.
- I think I am.
I've been doing things that, let's be serious for a second.
And we're doing a lot of like, you know, this
and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know what I mean?
All that stuff.
But what I wanna say is that there's another thing
that I do is I was at the Chicago Improv
and I was at the Schomburg Improv.
I was in the green room and a waitress came.
You know, every green room, the club waitress
is they're the head, you know, they take care of you.
- That's the head waitress.
- The head waitress.
And she's like, I'm gonna be your waitress all weekend,
whatever you need, just let me know.
- What's the tips?
- And so she, she goes, this is so-and-so
and she's interning and she seemed shy,
but also she kind of looked me weird.
She was like, she kind of looked at me like this.
And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room.
I go, oh yeah, she doesn't like me.
And they go, what?
I go, I can tell.
And then- - I think it's because,
but do you think it's because,
were you making it up
or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out?
- No, I didn't.
No, that wasn't when I did that.
Yeah, I would never do that.
All right?
I would never do that.
I would respect her too much.
- Okay.
- And that wouldn't be good.
- And by the way, I just want to make it clear,
even if it looks like I did on camera before,
I didn't pull out any of my penis.
I, I, I- - I know you don't.
- It was my thigh.
- It was my thigh.
- It was your thigh, I know exactly.
All right, so let's get that out in the clear.
- Yeah.
- But then two days later, she came up to me,
and she goes, "Hey, I just want, you know,
I'm just like, I have a bad friend's t-shirt.
I'm a huge fan."
- Oh.
- So in my mind, I was like,
oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true.
And it's because I had, I don't, growing up,
I don't have to read my parents.
'Cause my parents were snapper heads.
- Is that a, is that like a slur?
- Damn, snapper heads, take it up all, no.
- For Koreans from San Diego.
- No, no, no, no, they, they were physically violent.
- Towards you.
- Yeah, yeah, and they would just, you know,
and so every day was reading the situation
and to protect myself.
- Right.
- Right, to like, for danger.
And I do that out in the wild, you know what I mean?
And I'm tired of doing it because it's like,
it's usually not true, you know what I mean?
And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me.
And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable,
which I want to change that narrative as well.
- But here's the good thing to know
is that most people don't care at all.
Most people-- - They don't care, that's the thing.
They don't think about it.
- You know what it is with the Zoom, you know what it is.
You make an ass out of you and me, you know that.
- I know that.
That's a really good, I like those little, yeah, yeah.
I like those little.
- Just one more.
- Here's another one, a little tidbit.
- Here's another parable and this one's for you, Don.
Their wives are foolish and their children wicked.
Accursed their brood, but the children of adulterers--
- Don, how come you never sit down?
Come sit down for a second. - Come sit down.
We'll remain at that issue.
- You never come in. - And the progeny
of an unlawful bed will disappear,
for should they attain long life,
they will be held no esteem.
Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope,
nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny,
for dire is the end of the wicked generation.
- Yeah. - That's what it is.
- Don, did you listen?
That was for you.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that was really good.
- What are you doing, what are you doing?
- Oh, there was a little advice
I was telling him yesterday.
Do you want me to say it? - Tell him, tell him.
- No. - I shouldn't say it.
- No. - Then why'd you just do that?
- 'Cause you, 'cause I was practicing.
- Oh yeah, you were practicing.
That was very good though, dude.
- Yeah, yeah. - Very good learner.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Um, um, um, Chris.
- Yes. - Yes.
- I'll just tell you.
- Tell him. - I can tell him.
- Tell him. - But it has nothing to do with--
- She's not, yeah, yeah. - I was just saying, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. - So what I'm saying is that,
you know, when you're in a relationship, right?
- And I was telling a bunch of comics this in the room.
- Yeah. - Right?
And you wanna get out of the relationship,
I can never end it.
- Right. - All right?
Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out.
- Right. - Right?
- So you can force a window to open.
- Right. - By doing some of my techniques.
- You can force a window to be open. - Yeah, yeah.
- The problem is for me with that, where I have,
I don't have, my house isn't the best right now,
and I have air conditioners in the window.
- It's just an analogy. - So I'm gonna open the window.
- It's an analogy. - I don't have central air.
- It's an analogy. - Okay, but I have--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I could hurt somebody. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't wanna do that. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Well, yeah, it was just an analogy.
- Okay. - Or door to open, whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- An opportunity. - An opportunity.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, and that's where you have to get out.
- Right. - Okay.
- So what it is when you do the little techniques,
and one of the techniques I was telling people was,
you want her to break up with you.
Subtle thing. - The coward way.
- That's the coward's way, right?
- The coward way.
- So you do subtle things, and one of my techniques is,
you forget their name for a split second every time,
and you use a snap, right?
So you go, "Hey, Kathy," right?
"Hey, what are we gonna eat tonight, Kathy," right?
- You do that-- - Smart.
- 30 times, it seeps into their subconscious,
and they don't know what's bothering them.
They don't know what that's bothering them, right?
- Yeah. - And that's where the windows will open.
Another one, I have several of them.
- Smart. - What?
- Very smart, right? - Smart.
- That's actually very smart.
- Tell them another one. - Another one, which one?
- The, um, the--
- I think I've told people this one before
on this podcast before.
- Let's hear it though, I haven't heard it.
- Okay, you haven't heard it, right.
- Remember this pro-- you can-- sometimes you can say things
that you've said on a podcast before, previously,
because guess what?
As Marcus Aurelius said,
you never step in the same river twice,
'cause the river's always flowing,
it's always new water.
So when you step in it, it's a different light,
a different experience. - Oh, so you can say the same thing.
- Different emotion, yes.
This is a different river. - Never step in the same river twice.
- Yeah, yeah, so all you have to do this is five times, okay?
So those snapping 30 times, this five times, okay?
When you orgasm, you don't make a noise,
you look directly into their eyes.
They have to be looking at you, right?
And you orgasm with your face.
- It's hard for me to-- I'm never looking in when I come--
- I know, but this is what you need to do.
- I'm always facing this way.
- I know. In order for you to do this exercise,
you have to be doing missionary. - So I have to have a mirror
in front of me. - This is what you do, right?
You look in their eyes and you go,
you go like this, you go,
like that, right?
If you do that five times subconsciously, right?
They will break up with you.
- Yeah, it's terrifying. - Yeah, it's terrifying.
- Terrifying. - T