Name: Harland Williams is Our Messiah
Uploaded: 2025-09-05T17:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Harland Williams is Our Messiah' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Harland Williams is Our Messiah' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-05. Transcript available.

but i don't think you need the anxiety because you're a confident funny human
being
wow are you my messiah i'm not my messiah i'm happy to my spiritual teacher
happy to help you
you know what i would follow you if you had a philosophy what is your
philosophy of life yeah
chocolate yeah it is really dark yeah i would follow chocolate uh swiss i like
swiss chocolate
all right me and you we climb the temple we get to the i see temple right yeah
i'm there we see him
he's in a robe we sit you know cross-legged yeah right we light some candles we
do a little bong
bong right yeah our master's about to speak what do you say chocolate
and then we go chocolate master master yes i have a question yes stupid sorry
because i'm so superior
but master i'm going through a divorce and my my wife cheated on me what do i
do
uh humphrey bogart said once that women are like street cars one goes and
another one is coming
right along oh very good very good master master yes my children have died in a
horrible fire accident
a smelting accident a smelting accident i owned a smelting factory and my child
died i worked there
i saw them die he may have been the person that killed my child we don't know
we don't know yet
master what do i do now uh make some new kids ah and uh forget the oldies yeah
yeah and chocolate probably
and chocolate yeah and i got a hole in the desert you can put the dead kids too
oh oh master master thank
you thank you yeah thank you master i would love to help you my guy i don't
like it when you're you're
like you know when my guy is feeling anxiety are you talking to me as master or
harland
master yeah yeah master you want to help me now yeah okay you're a you're a
funny funny beloved uh
guy don't don't don't feel anxiety yeah i told him i know yeah people tell me
yeah yeah i just uh
i just feel the anxiety i don't know what it is what's your fix i have you know
what i you know what i
have master yes um imposter syndrome what's that i don't feel like um you know
people go oh you're
doing well or this and that and i always gone you know what i mean i always
downplay it yeah okay yeah
i like you know i like just going to a starbucks and getting my horchata my horchata
beverage you
know what i mean and just being normal you know i mean all that but then people
go oh can we get a
photo on this and that i've i just have a conflict about it what's my what do i
do master
i would say ride the anxiety like like a snake like like a dragon like ride it
like yes you know
this sometimes when you perform your mood can feed your performance sometimes
you feel down sometimes
you feel up sometimes you feel anxiety ridden but whatever it is just take it
onto the stage
yeah and let it be part of the journey oh so i know it'll pass it might not
pass you might
no just say it's gonna pass i think it's gonna pass use it as fuel on the night
of the special yeah yeah
i will yeah oh let me say something about this about myself i know this yeah
when i get a ball i hit
it you do yeah yeah yeah so i will hit the ball you will hit the ball i think
the anxiety is just
giving you you know without the anxiety your experience might be mundane and so
the anxiety is giving you a
a little bit it's life saying hey feel the energy feel the electricity yeah
that's the anxiety versus
you've been doing this a long time you know the terrain i know the truth and so
think of the
anxiety as a little electrical charge a little air under your feet and it's
gonna make it more
interesting and provocative and and and infused with life god you're the master
has spoken yeah i love
it now go suck a chocolate bar that's our messiah that's my milky way yeah you're
a little you are a
little chocolate boy you love i love it whenever i go to his house he has
snacks oh i sleep with a
with a can of pringles like in my arm you do like i snuggle it yeah is it a big
one that's a big can
no it's just a regular can but i can't you how do you close your arm but it's a
sour cream and onion
and i just oh is that your favorite chip i love it yeah i just snuggle with it
at night i used to
have a teddy bear teddy ruxpin you know the ones that talk oh yeah oh yeah i
had one mine got
possessed and spoke in tongues and i had to flush it in the toilet literally in
the middle of the night
i'm stuffing its head in the toilet flash flash what was it saying yeah oh yeah
yeah devil talk yeah i
know yeah yeah you know that yeah yeah don't summon it if you do that you know
one time this is a true
story i had this um roommate his name was aaron redheaded kid yeah christian
why are you looking at
me and he's coming to my church and i sat down and the i guess it wasn't a big
church and the sermon
well the preacher eyed me and then everyone started speaking in tongues
and they all touched my head and as they touched my eyes stood up and i
literally walked out of the
church wow yeah i was so scary whoa yeah do you think it's real speaking in
tongues when they're in
church yeah yeah oh you think it's real there's videos people speaking in
tongues yeah they connect
to the higher power what are you talking about oh they do yeah yeah god speaks
through you yeah the
best time to do it the best time to do it is when you're performing cunnilingus
because it's like
girls love it they love it yeah it's like foreplay satan's foreplay yeah see
they were speaking in
tongues here they can show you this okay all right it is guys are just latvian
i don't think that yeah
yeah that's what it felt like i'm pretty sure that was just another language
yeah i think you're right
how many languages you speak you speak a few don't you i speak a little french
and a little german
that's good yeah that's is good and that's it that's that's a little i i did
speak a little
when i lived there but i speak a little french because i'm french canadian but
that's it say bobby
it's so good to see you today and i can't wait to go out to eat with you later
uh bobby say bon uh
mosley uh papillon uh avec uh montreal uh fireworks festival wow yeah well that's
really good yeah
i'll wear my pants to school on la cienega something like that yeah it's
actually i said
the school i said school in there too right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah how
come you guys aren't
fighting usually when i watch this show you're like just going at each other we
were fighting
a little bit no we were good before we haven't fought today we didn't fight i
know but why you
want us to fight i was sort of looking forward to a good fight yeah yeah brouhaha
all right well
give us a topic and we'll fight over we'll fight about anything oh it's your
show you should have the
topic what you should have the topic we're just gonna brew a fight yeah yeah i
don't know usually
you're yelling at each other okay he said that he liked your shirt i hate that
shirt wait a minute
i was lying this shirt has a lot of hate that's awful it's awful it's yeah it's
a
bullshit shirt this shirt has a lot of meaning what do you be what do you
become you like them
this shirt has a lot of sentimental meaning before you rip into it i don't know
what is it let me guess
your uncle your uncle harvey was on a golden temple mountain with a panda and
they pooped out an egg it
broke open and there's a shirt because you tell stories like that all the time
and they're not real
dude my father died today