Name: Cage vs Cons
Uploaded: 2011-05-31T15:41:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cage vs Cons' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cage vs Cons' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-31. Transcript available.

A coward dies a thousand deaths.
A soldier dies but once.
They say pussy and paper is poetry, power and distals.
Plotting on murdering motherfuckers before they get you.
Pitchering pitiful punk niggas, copping please, puffing weed as I position
myself to clock Gs.
My enemies scatter in suicidal situations.
Never to witness the wicked shit that they was facing.
Pockets is packed with precedents, pursue your riches.
Evading to play a hatin' trick while hitting switches.
Bitches is bad mouth cause ballin' motherfuckers is bold.
We'll charge you home, the game should be sold.
The sickest psychotic society, somebody save me.
Addicted to drama so even mama couldn't raise me.
Even the preacher and all my teachers couldn't reach me.
I run in the streets and puffin' weed with my peeps.
Hey everybody, Jason Lawhead here for the Monday Morning Podcast.
We're here at the LA Sports Arena and for tonight's Cage vs. Khan's MMA Octagon
battle.
But it's more than that, man. We're down here. Beautiful day.
It's been a tattoo festival. It's been a rap festival.
And we're getting ready for the red carpet.
I'm here with the crime fighter comic, Sam Tripoli from the Naughty Show
Podcast.
Keep that down, crime fighter stuff.
He wants to give me that. What do you think of this, Sam?
I mean, it's about to take off.
America's Most Wanted, I found everybody.
They're all right here today and it's pretty awesome.
I have a healthy blend of both turned on and scared shitless.
George, we understand you're the guy that is responsible for all this mayhem.
All of these people, all of these people.
Ain't it great? Ain't it great?
Ain't May 21st, are you glad it's here today?
We've been planning this for like eight, nine months now.
So it's our first event. We're really obviously excited about this.
You had to wait until all of the people got out of jail first.
Yeah, we made a couple of calls and said, come on, let him out a little early
today, please, just for this event.
I need 16,000 pardons by May 21st.
Did you look at court cases to decide fights? Is that how you said that?
Yeah, we looked at the dockets and we said, you know, these guys, let him off a
little early today, please.
So that's what happened. So it's great, great.
It's a night of leniency. Well, this is an awesome event.
Yes, how's your cons?
You know, I'm for both, because they're all great.
You know, it is a story of redemption. It's really, you know, it's a good
message that we're doing here.
So proud to be part of it.
We're here again at Cates vs. Cons. Everybody's high here.
Everybody is just blazed.
There's so much weed smoke in there.
I guarantee you every fighter flunks a drug test after the fight.
They're going to be fighting high off their balls.
Charles Barkley calls it the BET of white people.
BET of white people. I like that.
We've got Matt Birch from Operation Repo on BET's version of the white channel,
True TV, and we're with his assistant, Freud.
He's not my assistant. He's my co-star.
Co-star.
Well, he's a little Mexican.
Yeah, he ever watched, like, uh...
It's like saying Han Solo.
He's a quick draw McGraw and Boba Louie. He's my Boba Louie. I'm quick draw McGraw.
I like how he happens when we do the Spanish version.
Yeah, we do my assistant, not my bar to go.
The Spanish version, he's your assistant. The English version, you're his
assistant.
I like that.
Who do you guys room for, cops or cons?
You know what?
You guys are shady.
I'm a fine line on there. I'm kind of shady, so I'm going to go a little more
towards the cons, but you know the police are my people, okay?
Well, the cons are your customers, right?
I definitely spent a lot of time with them.
Without the police order, you can't get the cons hard.
Absolutely, man. I'm only going to be politically correct right now.
We're here with Shane Crutchin on the cop side. He's military. He's going to be
fighting tonight. Shane, what brought you down here? How did you get into this,
first off?
Back in 2006, you know, I got into it after the military, and here I am. You
know, I just answered an open audition on the internet, and here I am out of
600 people. I'm one of 20 fighting tonight.
Which con do you think is harder to fight? Pothead or crackhead?
I would crackhead. Yeah, definitely crackhead. You know, I don't mind everybody
smoking pot right now in here. I actually love it, because that way, you know,
I don't have to worry about being shot walking out, you know what I mean?
Are you worried about flunking your drug test for all that you need smoke?
I already took it. I passed.
Really? Did I don't do after fighting?
No, no.
Oh, that's great.
Well, I would load up right now, then. If you need a little extra supplement,
go get it in right before you walk through the red carpet.
No.
No.
No.
My drug dealer's here, dude. I think I should have them for you.
No.
No, you're good.
Hey, thanks for joining us. Good luck tonight, and you know what? Take down, my
friend. Take down.
Absolutely, brother. Absolutely. Thank you. Semper Fi, and God bless.
We're here at Cage vs. Cons on the red carpet, and I heard your name, Sarah.
What's your name?
Melissa.
Melissa.
What are you ladies here to either promote, or are you just here to support?
No, just supporting the cause. Some of it goes to charity. You have cops and
firefighters battling ex-cons. It's better than that.
What do you find sexier? Because that's a lot of chick fetishes right there.
There's bad boys, dudes in uniforms.
I have to go with the tattoos, cowboys, for sure. And the men that risk their
lives every day. So that's hot to me.
How about a con who used to be a cop but still has his uniform?
Used to be? No.
That's quite a twin.
We're here with John Lichty. John, are you one of the referees for tonight?
I'm a timekeeper. I'm the lowest paid guy here.
What's the lowest paid guy here?
That's a man for you right there. He's reality Gateland. You know what his
fucking pay rate is. That's hilarious.
Hey, we're here with the cage mates, otherwise known as the ring girls. They'll
be showing off the big ring signs on the way into the new rounds.
So we're here with Kalina, Danielle, Afton, and Gabriella. So real quick girls,
who are you for? The cops or the cons?
The cons. So we got three cons and one cops.
Well, the festivities have begun outside of the ring as they've already broken
up a fight here. The yellow coats are out.
This might be the only MMA match where there's a better chance of dying outside
of the octagon than there is inside.
You're right.
You're right over here. Don't hit my face. Get down.
So the arena is filling up as we speak. Some of the fighters are in the octagon
making their way through their warm-up rituals.
As you can smell the weed in here right now. You can totally smell. It's like
they don't even have a fogging machine. It's like a THC fogger in this place.
There's so much smell of spilly blood.
There's one walking right by us right there. So the festivities will soon begin.
cops versus cons here at the LA sports arena. The beautiful ladies carrying the
poster.
The octagon is filling up with anticipation of who will win this fight, cop or
con.
He made it 203 pounds. Tonight he too is making his debut. Please welcome Corey
Jenner.
All right fans. Three rounds of mixed martial arts in the light.
All right. Fighting fans. Here we are. We have ringside seats for this MMA bout.
And the cage match and he's down. We got a man down already.
In your face Bill Burr. Here it is right here in your face. All you Monday
morning podcast listeners.
That love a good beat down. We have it for you here ringside. Oh no. He's got
him in the cradle.
It looks like he's ready to pin him on his back.
We have an interlock.
Cause now it's just force on force. It's like wind versus water right here.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
After we leave I'm gonna stop right there.
I'm gonna need real quick and see if they'll take us two more questions.
There you see it.
They've he wins by strikes.
The referee stopped that fight.
Three minutes in.
Jesus Christ number one.
Jesus Christ number one is what he said.
Jesus Christ Bill.
Jesus Christ got him this W.
I'm sure Jesus Christ will be the inspiration to get him into an octagon to
beat the shit out of people in the first place.
He has instructed at police academies.
He also brings the discipline and benefits of MMA to kids.
Please welcome Preston Posto V. Charm.
Well here comes your cop into the arena.
He's gonna show a little video of him up there at first.
He's gonna show a little video of him up there at first.
The county jail and state prison.
This guy has been a criminal on every age group.
This is awesome.
This kid came out of his baby, his mother's womb as a crook.
Stay completely clean during those five years.
Please welcome Daniel The Animal McWilliams.
Danny McWilliams.
The Ring Girls.
Oh, there's our, I think there's our friend Ashton that we met on the red
carpet.
The Hooter Girls.
Probably the better, uh, I'd like to get locked in an octagon with is the Hooter
Girls.
I don't think I'd want to get locked in the octagon with anybody else.
Where's the, are you getting a spot like this guy in a black suit over here
with the red tie?
This, uh, guy who's portraying the devil apparently.
Looks like Dr. D, looks like Dan Aykroyd from Dr. Detroit.
Remember that?
Cop vs. Khan.
Cops in the blue trunks.
Yeah, I can't remember.
Cop in the blue trunks, Khan in the black trunks.
Places everyone.
The ref has pointed.
We're ready to fight.
Ooh.
Khan McWilliams comes out.
Look at the cop on the body slam.
And he's got him down now in submission.
It's cop on top of Khan right now.
They're starting to, uh, get interlocked on the mat there.
That does not look fun.
Fun to watch, not fun to be a part of.
Good there?
That's good, that's good.
Hey, we're here with, uh, Danny Trejo.
The, uh, star of the recent movie Machete and many others.
Uh, who are you out here to see? Danny?
Cops or cons?
Who do you want to see?
Uh, both.
Red Knights for entertainment.
It's, uh, everybody's putting their, uh, their heart and soul in it.
You know, anybody that gets, uh, gets in that ring's got my vote.
Yeah, ain't that the truth, man?
I'll tell you what.
The only thing I would, I think the only people I'd mess around with in that
ring are the Hooters girls when they're bringing out the, uh, ring card.
That's one of the reasons we came down.
Absolutely.
Would you ever do this?
Would you ever get yourself in, uh, mixed up in this whole thing?
Uh, hell no.
I'd get myself mixed up with the Hooters girls.
Absolutely.
I don't think your agent would let you, would I?
Your agent probably.
Uh, next fight's gonna be Danny and the Hooters girls.
There you go, Danny.
Three or four?
Thanks, Danny.
Have fun.
There's your winner.
There's your winner from the last fight.
The police.
Not much of a win, though.
Oh, and here they come.
Through the THC smoke.
And the scent of Philly blunts.
A little bit of Johnny Cash in the background.
A white shirt.
Making his way.
He's fired up.
He'll pop some t-shirts into the crowd.
He's got a lot of cheerleaders in this group.
Should be an interesting fight.
You see, uh, what this guy's made of.
Hey, everybody.
This is Jason Lawhead along with Sam Tripoli.
We're here at the cage and cons match.
Um, unbelievable day, unbelievable night, a huge extravaganza, including
tattoos, rap music, and most of all, octagon, MMA fighting between, you heard
it, cops versus cons here at the LA sports arena.
We're covering this for the Bill Burr podcast.
Uh, hey, uh, so, uh, to Bill, all your MMA, MMP, Monday morning podcast
listeners, uh, this is Jason Lawhead and Sam Tripoli.
Enjoy what we've got for you.
I'm on whoever's right side.
Say Bill Burr Monday morning podcast.
What?
Say Bill Burr Monday morning podcast.
Bill Burr Monday.
Monday morning.
Monday morning.
Wait, wait, wait.
Monday morning.
Monday morning.
Monday morning.
Podcast.
Podcast.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.

Cage vs Cons

A coward dies a thousand deaths.
A soldier dies but once.
They say pussy and paper is poetry, power and distals.
Plotting on murdering motherfuckers before they get you.
Pitchering pitiful punk niggas, copping please, puffing weed as I position
myself to clock Gs.
My enemies scatter in suicidal situations.
Never to witness the wicked shit that they was facing.
Pockets is packed with precedents, pursue your riches.
Evading to play a hatin' trick while hitting switches.
Bitches is bad mouth cause ballin' motherfuckers is bold.
We'll charge you home, the game should be sold.
The sickest psychotic society, somebody save me.
Addicted to drama so even mama couldn't raise me.
Even the preacher and all my teachers couldn't reach me.
I run in the streets and puffin' weed with my peeps.
Hey everybody, Jason Lawhead here for the Monday Morning Podcast.
We're here at the LA Sports Arena and for tonight's Cage vs. Khan's MMA Octagon
battle.
But it's more than that, man. We're down here. Beautiful day.
It's been a tattoo festival. It's been a rap festival.
And we're getting ready for the red carpet.
I'm here with the crime fighter comic, Sam Tripoli from the Naughty Show
Podcast.
Keep that down, crime fighter stuff.
He wants to give me that. What do you think of this, Sam?
I mean, it's about to take off.
America's Most Wanted, I found everybody.
They're all right here today and it's pretty awesome.
I have a healthy blend of both turned on and scared shitless.
George, we understand you're the guy that is responsible for all this mayhem.
All of these people, all of these people.
Ain't it great? Ain't it great?
Ain't May 21st, are you glad it's here today?
We've been planning this for like eight, nine months now.
So it's our first event. We're really obviously excited about this.
You had to wait until all of the people got out of jail first.
Yeah, we made a couple of calls and said, come on, let him out a little early
today, please, just for this event.
I need 16,000 pardons by May 21st.
Did you look at court cases to decide fights? Is that how you said that?
Yeah, we looked at the dockets and we said, you know, these guys, let him off a
little early today, please.
So that's what happened. So it's great, great.
It's a night of leniency. Well, this is an awesome event.
Yes, how's your cons?
You know, I'm for both, because they're all great.
You know, it is a story of redemption. It's really, you know, it's a good
message that we're doing here.
So proud to be part of it.
We're here again at Cates vs. Cons. Everybody's high here.
Everybody is just blazed.
There's so much weed smoke in there.
I guarantee you every fighter flunks a drug test after the fight.
They're going to be fighting high off their balls.
Charles Barkley calls it the BET of white people.
BET of white people. I like that.
We've got Matt Birch from Operation Repo on BET's version of the white channel,
True TV, and we're with his assistant, Freud.
He's not my assistant. He's my co-star.
Co-star.
Well, he's a little Mexican.
Yeah, he ever watched, like, uh...
It's like saying Han Solo.
He's a quick draw McGraw and Boba Louie. He's my Boba Louie. I'm quick draw McGraw.
I like how he happens when we do the Spanish version.
Yeah, we do my assistant, not my bar to go.
The Spanish version, he's your assistant. The English version, you're his
assistant.
I like that.
Who do you guys room for, cops or cons?
You know what?
You guys are shady.
I'm a fine line on there. I'm kind of shady, so I'm going to go a little more
towards the cons, but you know the police are my people, okay?
Well, the cons are your customers, right?
I definitely spent a lot of time with them.
Without the police order, you can't get the cons hard.
Absolutely, man. I'm only going to be politically correct right now.
We're here with Shane Crutchin on the cop side. He's military. He's going to be
fighting tonight. Shane, what brought you down here? How did you get into this,
first off?
Back in 2006, you know, I got into it after the military, and here I am. You
know, I just answered an open audition on the internet, and here I am out of
600 people. I'm one of 20 fighting tonight.
Which con do you think is harder to fight? Pothead or crackhead?
I would crackhead. Yeah, definitely crackhead. You know, I don't mind everybody
smoking pot right now in here. I actually love it, because that way, you know,
I don't have to worry about being shot walking out, you know what I mean?
Are you worried about flunking your drug test for all that you need smoke?
I already took it. I passed.
Really? Did I don't do after fighting?
No, no.
Oh, that's great.
Well, I would load up right now, then. If you need a little extra supplement,
go get it in right before you walk through the red carpet.
No.
No.
No.
My drug dealer's here, dude. I think I should have them for you.
No.
No, you're good.
Hey, thanks for joining us. Good luck tonight, and you know what? Take down, my
friend. Take down.
Absolutely, brother. Absolutely. Thank you. Semper Fi, and God bless.
We're here at Cage vs. Cons on the red carpet, and I heard your name, Sarah.
What's your name?
Melissa.
Melissa.
What are you ladies here to either promote, or are you just here to support?
No, just supporting the cause. Some of it goes to charity. You have cops and
firefighters battling ex-cons. It's better than that.
What do you find sexier? Because that's a lot of chick fetishes right there.
There's bad boys, dudes in uniforms.
I have to go with the tattoos, cowboys, for sure. And the men that risk their
lives every day. So that's hot to me.
How about a con who used to be a cop but still has his uniform?
Used to be? No.
That's quite a twin.
We're here with John Lichty. John, are you one of the referees for tonight?
I'm a timekeeper. I'm the lowest paid guy here.
What's the lowest paid guy here?
That's a man for you right there. He's reality Gateland. You know what his
fucking pay rate is. That's hilarious.
Hey, we're here with the cage mates, otherwise known as the ring girls. They'll
be showing off the big ring signs on the way into the new rounds.
So we're here with Kalina, Danielle, Afton, and Gabriella. So real quick girls,
who are you for? The cops or the cons?
The cons. So we got three cons and one cops.
Well, the festivities have begun outside of the ring as they've already broken
up a fight here. The yellow coats are out.
This might be the only MMA match where there's a better chance of dying outside
of the octagon than there is inside.
You're right.
You're right over here. Don't hit my face. Get down.
So the arena is filling up as we speak. Some of the fighters are in the octagon
making their way through their warm-up rituals.
As you can smell the weed in here right now. You can totally smell. It's like
they don't even have a fogging machine. It's like a THC fogger in this place.
There's so much smell of spilly blood.
There's one walking right by us right there. So the festivities will soon begin.
cops versus cons here at the LA sports arena. The beautiful ladies carrying the
poster.
The octagon is filling up with anticipation of who will win this fight, cop or
con.
He made it 203 pounds. Tonight he too is making his debut. Please welcome Corey
Jenner.
All right fans. Three rounds of mixed martial arts in the light.
All right. Fighting fans. Here we are. We have ringside seats for this MMA bout.
And the cage match and he's down. We got a man down already.
In your face Bill Burr. Here it is right here in your face. All you Monday
morning podcast listeners.
That love a good beat down. We have it for you here ringside. Oh no. He's got
him in the cradle.
It looks like he's ready to pin him on his back.
We have an interlock.
Cause now it's just force on force. It's like wind versus water right here.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
Watch your back with a hat.
After we leave I'm gonna stop right there.
I'm gonna need real quick and see if they'll take us two more questions.
There you see it.
They've he wins by strikes.
The referee stopped that fight.
Three minutes in.
Jesus Christ number one.
Jesus Christ number one is what he said.
Jesus Christ Bill.
Jesus Christ got him this W.
I'm sure Jesus Christ will be the inspiration to get him into an octagon to
beat the shit out of people in the first place.
He has instructed at police academies.
He also brings the discipline and benefits of MMA to kids.
Please welcome Preston Posto V. Charm.
Well here comes your cop into the arena.
He's gonna show a little video of him up there at first.
He's gonna show a little video of him up there at first.
The county jail and state prison.
This guy has been a criminal on every age group.
This is awesome.
This kid came out of his baby, his mother's womb as a crook.
Stay completely clean during those five years.
Please welcome Daniel The Animal McWilliams.
Danny McWilliams.
The Ring Girls.
Oh, there's our, I think there's our friend Ashton that we met on the red
carpet.
The Hooter Girls.
Probably the better, uh, I'd like to get locked in an octagon with is the Hooter
Girls.
I don't think I'd want to get locked in the octagon with anybody else.
Where's the, are you getting a spot like this guy in a black suit over here
with the red tie?
This, uh, guy who's portraying the devil apparently.
Looks like Dr. D, looks like Dan Aykroyd from Dr. Detroit.
Remember that?
Cop vs. Khan.
Cops in the blue trunks.
Yeah, I can't remember.
Cop in the blue trunks, Khan in the black trunks.
Places everyone.
The ref has pointed.
We're ready to fight.
Ooh.
Khan McWilliams comes out.
Look at the cop on the body slam.
And he's got him down now in submission.
It's cop on top of Khan right now.
They're starting to, uh, get interlocked on the mat there.
That does not look fun.
Fun to watch, not fun to be a part of.
Good there?
That's good, that's good.
Hey, we're here with, uh, Danny Trejo.
The, uh, star of the recent movie Machete and many others.
Uh, who are you out here to see? Danny?
Cops or cons?
Who do you want to see?
Uh, both.
Red Knights for entertainment.
It's, uh, everybody's putting their, uh, their heart and soul in it.
You know, anybody that gets, uh, gets in that ring's got my vote.
Yeah, ain't that the truth, man?
I'll tell you what.
The only thing I would, I think the only people I'd mess around with in that
ring are the Hooters girls when they're bringing out the, uh, ring card.
That's one of the reasons we came down.
Absolutely.
Would you ever do this?
Would you ever get yourself in, uh, mixed up in this whole thing?
Uh, hell no.
I'd get myself mixed up with the Hooters girls.
Absolutely.
I don't think your agent would let you, would I?
Your agent probably.
Uh, next fight's gonna be Danny and the Hooters girls.
There you go, Danny.
Three or four?
Thanks, Danny.
Have fun.
There's your winner.
There's your winner from the last fight.
The police.
Not much of a win, though.
Oh, and here they come.
Through the THC smoke.
And the scent of Philly blunts.
A little bit of Johnny Cash in the background.
A white shirt.
Making his way.
He's fired up.
He'll pop some t-shirts into the crowd.
He's got a lot of cheerleaders in this group.
Should be an interesting fight.
You see, uh, what this guy's made of.
Hey, everybody.
This is Jason Lawhead along with Sam Tripoli.
We're here at the cage and cons match.
Um, unbelievable day, unbelievable night, a huge extravaganza, including
tattoos, rap music, and most of all, octagon, MMA fighting between, you heard
it, cops versus cons here at the LA sports arena.
We're cov