Name: Bill Burr Makes Homemade Pie Crust
Uploaded: 2015-12-10T18:37:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Makes Homemade Pie Crust' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Makes Homemade Pie Crust' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-10. Transcript available.

All right, hey, what's going on? Welcome to my kitchen, and as I mentioned, I
told you I was
gonna show you how to make a pie crust, right? The fucking holidays are coming
up. Who's kidding
who? You didn't do shit with your life, right? You haven't done anything, you're
not bringing
anything to the table, you don't have any kids. Maybe you got busted for
fucking drinking and
driving. You just don't fit in with your family. You gotta do something, right?
Here we go. You
make a pie crust. All right, this is what you're gonna need. You're gonna need
one of these,
a rolling pin, fucking thing, this thing, and a pastry cloth. It's like a board
thing. I don't
know what this is called. All right, so maybe this is the graphic up right now.
This thing.
And then you got, you got two types of these things. You got this one, this is
an old one.
This one's one of these style. You know, you gotta do that. I fucking hate
doing that. Makes
a lot of noise. This is, this was my grandmother's, right? And, uh, I just took
it from me.
I just took it from her. You know, she's old and weak and I was just like,
grandma, I'm
taking this. All right? You're getting one of these. I'm just kidding. She died
and that's
what I got. Um, so anyways, I already figured what the fuck this is. All right,
so two cups of
flour. And this is, uh, this is the, the all-purpose gold metal flour. It's not,
uh, that gluten-free,
save the fucking whales. Whatever the hell it is. It's like, look, you're
making a pie.
Already, you know what I mean? It's not gonna be healthy. Just give it to that.
Just tell
yourself you're gonna go to the gym. So there's two cups of this and you also
put salt in it.
So, you just go like, this is what I do. You take the one cup, dump it in like
that. There's
one cup and then where the hell's my salt. Right here. Then I put the salt
right over
there. You getting that? Are you getting that? You put the salt just like that.
Now for fuck's sake.
Stomp it on top of it like that. All right? Boom. So you're done with that. You
take this thing
here. You just, all you're doing is going like this. I don't know why you do
this. But look at it.
See how it's in there. It looks a little different there, right? Looks a little
more sifty. I always feel like I'm in one of those, you know, those drug movies
where they make you stand there naked when you work with their products so they
make sure you don't steal any.
All right. So at this point, I mean, I'm a five-year-old could do this.
Everybody gets freaked out about baking. You know what I mean? Like, oh, what's
gonna happen? What if I fuck it up? Who cares? Nobody's watching you. It's not
like they're filming it.
All right. So this is a, this is a butter-based crust. So you want eight ounces
of it. And everybody's like, how the fuck do I measure that? Well, it has it
right here. Look at this. See how they make it nice and easy, right? Eight
tablespoons, I should say. I'm a dope. Two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight. It's the whole, it's the whole goddamn stick.
Um, so you want to have this shit cold. You don't want to have it at room
temperature because it's going to be too mushy. So then you just take it like
this. You've washed your hands, of course, right?
Um, and you just cut it up like this. Right? Just cut it up and drop it in
there. You getting that, Andrew?
Mm-hmm. For the people at home? You know what's funny? Somewhere, I don't know
why, and I don't know who, but somebody is probably jerking off to this guy.
Because it is the internet. Oh, yeah. Put that butter in the fucking flower,
man. I at least wanted to see a balding redhead do this.
Okay. This one won an apron, too. Everybody makes fun of your apron. Who'd you
blow to get that thing?
You don't have to suck any dick to get these. You just go to bed, bath, and be
honest. All right? There's no reason to sell yourself out on the street.
All right. So now the problem is if you start going like this, the butter's
just going to get in here. It's going to be a pain in the ass.
So what I try to do is I just kind of use it like this. I get everything
covered in the flower here. Look at that. See that? Just like that.
Now. Now what you want to do. What you want to do is just tap lightly.
If you tap too hard, the butter's going to get stuck in this. So you start off
tapping lightly. All right?
And then you gradually build an intensity. This is, you know, essentially what
all those women's magazines say.
Women like how you please them in bed. This is like the foreplay. Oh, wow. That
is a beautiful dress.
Oh, yeah? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Oh, that's interesting.
This is the hard part of doing a cooking show. This is usually when, like,
Rachel Ray will just tell some fucking story.
Like, this reminds me of when we were, like, up in the cabin in New Hampshire
one time.
And that was a dog. And she always ends with that giggle.
I think she's on medication. And that's sort of the consistency you're looking
for there. A little corn meal type of thing.
By the way, how fucking ridiculous is it not doing this, huh?
You mix it too much, you're going to get a, you're going to get a tougher crust
there.
Yeah, that's good. So the next thing is your Crisco. All-purpose grease.
Every real mother who still beats her children and cooks and stays at home like
women should have.
So there you go. So then you've got your Crisco and you just do the same thing.
You just cover a little bit of flour so it doesn't stick to whatever the fuck
this thing's called.
Stick handle with it a little bit, you know?
More Phil Kessel. Less Sidney Crosby here, right?
By the way, all you guys who are like, "Oh, why do they have two half times in
hockey?"
First of all, the math doesn't make sense. That would be a third and a two-third
time.
Okay, so now, so now you get to this. You got that consistency going there.
You know, it's just starting to come together. This is like your pieces of
shortening of butter, right?
That's what you want to have mostly mixed. So now, they say four to five ounces.
I like to use four.
And this is how I put it in. What I do is I go like this and then I just, you
know, whatever.
I pour like that much in. Whatever. I don't even know what that is.
Then you take it and you put this stuff on top. You give it a little twist.
All right, like a fucking kid in a mud puddle. All right, same thing again.
Here we go.
That was a really disgusting sound, wasn't it?
So, there you go. So, it's not totally mixed. It's mostly mixed or whatever.
So, now what you want to do, I'm going to come over here to your board here.
Get your pastry cloth so it doesn't stick. Just take a little bit of flour like
this.
Plop it down there in the middle.
So, I'm trying to make like a little ball of it here.
Like that. See, look at that. Look at that. It's already looking pretty fucking
good, huh?
Now, for most people, if you haven't fucked up already, if you haven't screwed
the pooch,
this is where you separate the fucking something from the something.
This is where it usually goes to shit.
So, what you do is get a little this way, a little fucking that way.
Throw some stuff on like that. Just tip it over. Like that. Same deal.
And you start going like this. Now, already you start looking at that going, "Oh
my God. What's going to happen? Did I fuck it up?"
You didn't. All right? You just keep going like this. And just trying to work
it like, you know, you're trying to make like a circle. Here's your pie dish.
You know what you're doing. You know what you're doing. You know what circle is?
Right? You're an adult. All right. So, now, this is basically what you got.
This looks like a big goddamn mess, doesn't it? Like, how the hell is that
going to fit into this? Right? You keep working it here, right?
Oh, by the way, I can't wait to when we post this, the amount of people that
are going to be giving me shit.
Well, what you should have done. All right. You just take a little bit of this
crap, right? You grease it up. Yeah. Now, this thing, this is an absolute shit
shit. That does not, I mean, you see there's a crust. You can see it. It's
there. Now, how the fuck do you get this into that?
And they have it somewhat look like this. Look how perfect. There's this
fucking bastards. Look at that consistency. Just straight around. This is what
you do. This right here. This is the motherfucker.
Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. All right. So, you just basically go one, two,
three, bam. Just like that. Okay? You don't even think about it, you know? It's
like breaking up with somebody you don't want to be with. You just sit down.
What's wrong? I'm not happy. And you just stay in it. Not happy. It's not you.
It's not me. It's not me.
It's just, it's right here. It's not fucking. Just like this. One, two, three,
bam. Boom. Just like that. And you take this part over here. Fucking bring it
out like that. And boom. Now, you're like, oh, well, it's not gonna fucking fit.
So, now, what you want to do is you want to push this down so it lines the, uh,
whatever, the pie plate here. But if you go like that, it's gonna rip. So, what
you do is you lift this up like this. That's how you do it. Like that. Oops. No
one's ever gonna know. All right? You push things down. You start making things
fit here.
Everything worked out.
And there you go.
There's your pie crust.
And a little bit of flour there. A little bit of flour here. Nothing. And then
for your fillings, whatever the fuck you want to put in there. You know? Just
start off with some, uh, some of your grandmother's recipes, you know? If you
think it's under seasoned or over seasoned, you know? If you're making an apple
pie, not enough cinnamon, throw some more fucking cinnamon there. So, check it
out. That's not bad. That's not bad. I've got shit underneath here.
I need to.
Ta-da! There you go! Old fucking Billy Pie crust for Christmas!