Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-16
Uploaded: 2016-11-05T02:22:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-05. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Halloween, the Cubs and the Buffalo Bills.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-05. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Halloween, the Cubs and the Buffalo Bills.

The Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday
october 31st 2016 what's going on how are you it's halloween everybody happy halloween
oh
happy hollow fucking ween happy all the fucking weed da da da you're a fucking
teen it's you're
too fucking old for candy um what's the cutoff what's the cutoff tonight when
the kids come
where you just want to be with some of them just be like dude you're too
fucking old cleo get out of
here i'll feed you in a minute go on i'm telling you my my cutoff is somewhere
around like fucking 12
you know even around 10 they just start saying little wise ass cunty fucking
things
you know that's the hardest thing about being an adult around a kid is they
think they're so
fucking smart and it's just like douche i was i was your age i've been 10 i've
been 12
okay then i've been 20 30 40 almost up to 50 you're right you dumb fuck do you
think i you think i don't
know what you're doing do you think you're playing with my mind man i mean just
you just want to say
do you remember everybody's got to have that do you ever have that fucking
adult that just fucking
you know when your parents weren't looking just looked at you and just told you
to shut the fuck up
it probably doesn't happen nowadays because of all the smartphones and
everybody's got a video camera
and the kid blogs about it next thing you know you get arrested for i don't i
don't know what
i don't know what cleo get out of here go on go on um
you know but back then i mean that's the kind of shit you could do
i remember we were talking in church me and my brother and this dude fucking
turned around he goes
hey he goes shut up
he just said that he goes will you shut up you know it's just one of those
things you know and my mother
then i looked at my mother and she fucking put her eyebrows up like but yeah
well shut the
fuck up that doesn't happen nowadays apparently oh my you you don't talk you
don't it's emotional
abuse verbal abuse no your kid needs to shut the fuck up so what what hour do
you there's there's that
that fucking hour where they just stop being cute you know they just stop being
cute and they get
fucking annoying and then it it it goes over the hill where it just becomes
like
you know they're coming up to your thing and they got the shitty grinch smirk
on their face i'm telling
you this fucking year this fucking year some kid comes up with a smirk on his
face i go i'm not giving
you any candy because that look on your face this is what i want to say but you
can't because of that
look on your face and if you do anything to my mailbox or anything like that i'm
gonna fucking kill you
all right you pussy you don't even know how to drive yet get the out of here
all right but you can't say you know you can't not not in today's america
not in today's america well you know what trump's gonna bring that back
um i've had such a bad experience like all my life all my life i've been
looking for something
i've been waiting for like i i couldn't wait to have a house the kids came by
to go trick-or-treating i mean i moved out and um
well the first time i lived like in the up the attic of a old house that they
turned into an apartment it
was hilarious and you had to like walk down the center of the apartment so your
head wouldn't hit
either side of the roof and uh i told you guys this right i didn't have a bed i
slept in a sleeping
bag and i would sleep right by the window because i didn't we didn't have any
ac and then one night
there was like some torrential downpour i was sitting there dreaming i was on a
boat or something
something about water and i woke up just soaking wet um and then you know it's
funny i ended up catching a
cold and like the next day it was like july it was like 89 degrees out or
something and i had a cold
like it was fucking november um oh god that fucking sucked um then i moved back
in with my parents
got my shit together fucking finally graduated college and then when i moved
out i ended up going
to new york city and people don't go trick-or-treating in new york city they
have places where they go
where all the fucking candy is and they make sure there's no fucking weirdos
there um
and then when i finally moved out to la i don't know people still didn't come
to my first apartment
is when i got my house you know five years ago they was just like all right now
they're going to be
coming and i was fucking loaded for bear and i had you i did the bid on it had
the full-size candy
bars jesus christ cleo you're driving me nuts get over there and lay down
you keep there's no way to be mad at a dog for longer than for frustrated more
than three seconds
go can you please lay down hey buddy lay down down
go on lay down there you go and the follow-through thank you um i already can
tell she's not gonna
sit there because she's laying down but she has her ears up and she's just
staring at me
you know what it is i had to get up early to do this fucking podcast because i
got a bunch of
shit that i need to do so anyways people finally started coming to the house
and that's what i
found you know as soon as the sun goes down the first i know we always talk
about this but you got
to admit it's true the first like hour and a half it's the cutest fucking kids
you've ever seen the
parents are great you know it's just like a great it's just i don't know it's
awesome the kids are
adorable and then somewhere around i don't know between seven and eight it
starts switching over
and there's just nothing but cunts like after like a quarter to nine i mean
just everybody you see
it's gonna be a bunch of oh man you know something we're renting this house and
it's
got this crazy driveway i don't think anybody's gonna come up here but next
year i promise you guys
i have to i want to open the door and be like ah nah you guys you're too old
you're too old look
hey go buy some candy get the out of here but then you gotta worry they're
gonna up your house even
if they don't do it that night they're gonna do it another night just be like
come on man you guys are
too old maybe i'll just lie and be like ah sorry i'm out of candy how tall are
you five what yeah i'm
out of candy what do you got yeah there's four you're not four eleven fuck out
of here you're five
foot one bait it um
oh or you know what you do is is what's the worst kind of fucking candy
what's just a shitty old lady kind of candy that's what you do
you know with the the fruit in the middle of it like real fruit
oh my god i don't know about you guys i don't know what grandmothers are like
nowadays when i was a
kid man my grandma my grandparents had the worst
fucking candy at least one of them did and then like the i had a paper route
and then there was
like a bunch of old biddies and shit that you know a couple that never got
married and shit or their
fucking their dad their husband died and they'd always have like this little
candy yeah have a
piece of candy right and i'd go to bite into oh god i didn't know what the it
was
it was just it was just horrible just it just you know it was like did they put
your perfume in the
middle of this i'm sorry it was it was i'm just saying it was disgusting all
right so anyways um
i'm actually going to a halloween party tonight i was going to make some
pumpkin bread for the host
right i was like uh of the party and nia's going like i was like ah man i got
so much to do when i
got and i got to make that pumpkin bread and then she just goes like well why
don't you just like
not do that we'll just you know we'll go get a bottle of champagne she always
does that she always
goes you make your life so hard it's like it's pumpkin bread it's not that it's
just like it's
fucking it's gonna take me like you know 10 minutes to put it together and then
throw it in
the oven for an hour it's just a pain in the ass to do it she why don't we just
do this like what the
fuck you just be another showing up with a bottle of wine as opposed to showing
up with pumpkin bread
the fuck is you know i don't know i don't know sometimes sometimes i don't know
sometimes we
don't fucking we just don't see it like i want to make my own steamed dumplings
she goes i just buy him
a trader joe's you know those are the those are the times you know what i mean
those are the times we
just want to kind of smile and nod and just slowly back towards the front door
get in the car and just
never come back again yeah in other words lie to yourself that that's what you're
going to do for
the next 20 minutes as you drive around you know talking to yourself get red
lights and you look over
and some beautiful woman half your age is going look at that crazy bald old guy
and you just sit there and you gotta be like wow i'm a crazy bald old guy
no one's gonna want me out here and then you get you go back home and then that's
it that's how it
works but every once in a while not actually once in a while more people than
not can commit to that
they they can back their way out the front door and they can go through with it
they take it all the
way to the divorce you know they go out they get themselves a toupee you know
they paint it orange
they get a red tie they run for office they start people up at truck stops um
this election is so fucked up that uh
it's kind of really quieted down after the last fucking debate if that's what
the
fuck you want to call it um my big thing this year is i want to know um
it's just fucking lose lose it's fucking lose lose at the at the thing and you
know something
as much as i've been sitting here fucking saying you know trump's a fucking
racist and blah blah blah
blah blah it's just like well you know the clintons are from arkansas so you
know
i don't think they're too enlightened down there either you know if you know i
know i'm just
being stereotypical here but give me a break oh bill and uh hillary they grew
up in arkansas in like
the 50s you might want to go back and look at some of those racist you know the
racist people screaming
at black people kids going to school for the first time you might want to try
to pick her head out or
something like that give me a break you're from arkansas i love that where just
because you're
a democrat that just means that you know that you're not homophobic you're not
racist or i have a i
wear blue i just don't fucking or that if you're a republican then that
automatically means that you're
you know you want to bury babies in the backyard you know unless they're
fucking blue-eyed white babies
you know what i mean like that whole fucking you're into the corporations and
all that they're all
fucking cunts and you know how i know that because i'm a cunt too and i'm
somewhere in the middle i like to
think i definitely lean more fucking left but uh i'm also contrarian and now i
live out here in
hollywood and i just can't fucking deal with these people out here and uh that
it's it's driving me
i don't think it's driving me to the right it's it's driving me to say things
on the right just
to fuck with these people like i love trashing hillary out here it's one of my
favorite fucking things to
do you know i last night i was fucking around the stage and i was talking about
that talking about
how you know well hillary's from fucking arkansas everybody and they all kind
of laughed i go you
know those those fucking flyover states that you guys all shit on out here you
know and uh you know
of course it gets fucking i don't whatever you know what the big thing is on
this ballot is wherever the
fuck you live more important than one of that orange-headed fucking racist cunt
or that devil
woman with her fucking issues right she lived in arkansas in the 1950s jesus
christ
right give me a break um
or you know what the biggest fucking thing is sorry i'm losing my train of
thought here is those
is all the props the state propositions you know and this is what pisses me off
so i go to this
website to try to figure out california's 17 ballot measure propositions
explained all