Name: Exotic Pets
Uploaded: 2016-11-11T21:30:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Exotic Pets' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available. Bill reads an email from a listener who wants to start an exotic pet business.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Exotic Pets' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available. Bill reads an email from a listener who wants to start an exotic pet business.

advice exotic pets uh bill last week i was laid off from my office cubicle job
of four years
i am now a 25 year old unemployed college student struggling to make rent ah jesus
my heart goes
out to you brother but at least you're 25 you're not fucking married you don't
have any kids that's
the bright side and i know you don't need to hear that all right all right here
we go can't go back
to my parents as they are halfway across the planet in taiwan now my question
is do i continue to do i
continue trying to get back in the rat race or do i follow my dream of becoming
an exotic pet reptile
breeder jesus christ how the fuck do i are you just fucking with me this is
your dream well you know
what you are from taiwan i imagine everything that's considered exotic over
here is like nothing
you know i bet over in taiwan instead of getting like a bicycle as a four-year-old
they give you
like a defanged cobra or some shit um i'm sorry i just had to stop and laugh at
the ignorance of
that statement um anyways i have no experience in the field fantastic you're
gonna be on spike tvs a
thousand ways to die except okay except that okay i have no experience in the
field except for that i
have a snake and four hamsters as pets all right dude i don't want to burst
your bubble but there's
nothing exotic about hamsters even if you have four or cuatro sorry i started
the new fucking rosetta
stone spanish again hmm yo tengo un pero es gris a blanco pero es bueno es loco
a loco how the fuck
you say it my dog's out of its mind um
la mujer
a manzana verde
um i've been let's get back to this shit i think i just said the woman and then
green apple there's
really nothing that connected either one of those go fuck yourself i'm gonna do
it some point in my
life i'm gonna become bilingual so anyways this dude wants to start raising
exotic pets breeding
them he has no experience now what kind of fucking snake do you have
you know if you have a garden snake gardener i guess you got to start somewhere
you do have a reptile and uh four little rat things this is cool dude you know
what you're doing
you're doing like the open mics of this i get it you've got to start slow you
can't start right with
the black mamba gonna get yourself killed anyways he said i've been to the reptile
expo a couple of
times and saw that vendors there just breed and sell snakes for a living and
thought to myself holy
shit i want to do that encourage animals to bang and sell the offspring all
from my own apartment
living the dream what to do any advice uh what gave you the balls to start
stand up
um understanding the opportunity cost of the income of a full-time job uh any
advice would help
thanks mr burr all right all right what do you do here well dude you're doing
the right thing
you basically like you you go into one of those uh reptile expos and looking at
the douchebags doing
it and being like i could fucking do that was like me when i used to watch some
of those stand-up shows
and be like i'm funnier than this guy all right and you have the luxury of not
having a job right now
so you don't have to worry about you know well what if this interferes with my
job you don't have a
fucking job um your biggest thing right now dude is you need income all right
so i would continue
looking for a job that is flexible all right while you start building your
stockpile of uh reptiles
first thing i would do is i would go on the internet and i would read as much
as humanly possible
i would go to how to make two snakes fuck dot com i would start i don't know
what to tell you dude
i would just keep going to those expos like they're open mics i would keep
reading up on it i would try
and find uh this is what you do this is what you do act like you want to buy a
fucking snake and go to
some fucking dude and ask them how they got into the business as you pretend
like you know like
you're browsing and maybe you can get a job working for one of those guys you
figure out what the fuck
he's doing right you pull a joe kennedy that i've learned reading in the
wonderful book the sins of the
father um yeah that guy used to work every place he'd work at a place for like
seven months to two years
he'd rifle through all the files get all this insider information make a boatload
of cash and
leave the fucking company in the shitter okay now i'm not saying to do that but
fucking work for these
other guys figure out what they're doing do what they're doing become better at
it that's what i would
do if you really want to do this shit i would but uh i gotta tell you this man
um
i don't know how you make two pit vipers fuck each other but uh i would
definitely get a uh
i don't know i get a thick pair of gloves
how do reptiles even get turned on they just have that fucking look on their
face like
you don't know what they're thinking you know i tell you if snakes had fucking
hands like they would
win world series of poker every year there'd be no fucking way to tell what it
had
is it holding shit has it got a full house i can't fucking just
sitting there sticking his tongue out of me