Name: Jared from Subway
Uploaded: 2016-11-11T21:30:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jared from Subway' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jared from Subway' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Dude, what the fuck happened to the guy who did the subway things?
Jared says he finds middle school girls hot.
Some chick was taping him for fucking four years.
He's caused a lot of pain. It's pain that will never go away.
What, for saying that? Yeah, he must have gone a little further than that.
On Wednesday, Fogel admitted that he had sex with at least two minors
and obtained child pornography of 12 other children as young as six years old.
Oh, boy.
Dude, is anybody safe?
Can anybody go wire to wire without the fucking hammer coming down?
Jared Fogel is a monster. He's a monster.
That's what she said.
How funny is it that I was just talking to you guys about eating right and
getting in shape,
and I go look at Google fucking news, so I got something to run my goddamn yap
about?
Jesus Christ.
Ah, and he looks like DeRosa.
That's fucking hilarious.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Fogel served as Subway's spokesman for 15 years, ever since he first appeared
on television claiming that eating the fast food chain sandwiches and working
out helped him lose more than 200 pounds.
Please.
He probably lost that money running out the back door when the parents came
home.
See, this is dumb.
I shouldn't be doing this.
This guy has not been convicted of anything.
Oh, but he's completely fucked.
He better have done it.
I mean, I hope he didn't for kids' sake, but I mean, he's fucked now.
It's over.
What's he gonna go over to, Blimpy?
Hey, everybody.
I'm wrongly accused child molester Jared Fogel, and I'm here to tell you that
Blimpy's makes you even more skinny.
And with the stress of sitting there, uh, you know, thinking I was gonna go to
jail for that shit and get gang raped, because that's what happened.
Oh, God.
Jared.
Jared, what did you do?
Oh, my God.
If he fucking did this shit, and he's guilty, and he goes to jail, do you have
any fucking idea?
And I love that they put him in protective custody.
For how fucking long?
You know what I mean?
I figure maybe eight, ten years.
He's fucked.
Literally.
Oh, my God.
He'll descend on him.
Hey, Jared, what do you want, the six or the 12-inch?
Oh, God.
I'd fucking kill myself.
Oh, there's gotta be a way to do it.
He's too fucking skinny now to hang himself.
Just sit there twitching around like a fucking goddamn fly that got its wing
ripped off.
How do you kill yourself when you're shaped like a pencil?
Oh, God.
What do you do?
Oh, I know I do.
I'd fucking break my glasses, and I'd jam one of the pieces.
The pieces in my neck just bleed out in the cell.
There you go.
See, there's always a way.
You know, you put somebody in a confined area, they're gonna come up with
something.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I don't understand why before the guy's convicted that his face is all over the
fucking place.
I don't get it, because if this guy didn't do this shit, it was like, what the
fuck I was talking about last week about the hockey player there?
It's like, if they didn't do it, they're completely fucked.
They're fucked either way.
Either they did it, and they're going to jail, and they're getting gang raped.
You know, which, you know, that's what you get for doing that shit.
But on the other side, if you didn't do it, I mean, you know, how do you make
your money then?
I don't know.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Wow.
Wow.
Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, unapologetic for anchor baby language.
I gotta be honest with you.
As far as, like, you know, offensive shit, anchor baby, that's pretty fucking
light.
You know what I mean?
There's no racial epitaph in there.
There's nothing homophobic.
Anchor baby.
It's the baby that gets you in here.
You know, you're putting down roots.
Right?
How about a root baby?
A root-a-baby?
I hate that fucking reporter.
That term is offensive.
Your term is offensive.
Shut the fuck up.
You're offensive.
You fucking cunt.
You work for some corporate goddamn news fucking paper.
Quit acting like you're giving out the facts.
You jerk off.
You write about what they tell you to write about.
That's what you should have done.
You write what they tell you to write about.
And you go on your cash those checks, don't you?
And you go and go buy yourself an Audi, right?
Or a BMW, some German sedan that lets the broads know you're fucking, you know,
you're on the dole.
You gotta be fucking kidding me, man.
Jesus Christ.
If you can't trust a former fat fuck who's eating sandwiches to be around your
kids, honestly, who can you trust?
That would have been a great fucking segue to go into my advertising.
Where the fuck is it?
Oh, it's over here.
Oh, Jesus.
Everything's just falling apart on me here.
All right.
It's time for some advertising.
I mean, what else?
What else do you do after you talk about the former fat fuck who became a
skinny guy?
And then, uh...
Allegedly...
Jesus Christ.
Anyways.
How the fuck do you think you're going to get away with something like that?
Um, all right.
It'd be one thing if you were the spokesperson for Wendy's, like that old guy.
Then you could just say,
No, no, I was just dressed as Santa.