Name: Wrongfully Accused Man's Ex-Wife Wants Settlement Monday
Uploaded: 2016-11-11T21:30:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wrongfully Accused Man's Ex-Wife Wants Settlement Monday' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wrongfully Accused Man's Ex-Wife Wants Settlement Monday' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Here's a good one.
Should I kick my neighbor's ass?
Yes.
Yes.
Generally speaking, yes.
We're going to go with yes.
Hey, Bill, love the podcast.
Is that what time it is?
No, that's East Coast.
Oh, okay.
That's why people bitch.
Where the fuck is the podcast?
I need some advice on what to do about this guy who lives in a few houses down
from me.
I'm a third-year college student, and I live at home.
My parents moved to go live in the state above mine.
You mean north?
And I currently reside alone while they are trying to sell the house.
A few months ago, I was driving home, coming back from a gym.
And while I was driving in my neighborhood, I saw this guy step in the middle
of the road about 20 yards from my car.
He was yelling something at me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.
I slowed down and stopped my car right in front of him.
And he came to my window and told me to get out.
I was totally confused and thought I'd run over his cat or something.
Also, I think he just moved in because I'd never seen the dude in my life.
So I rolled down the window and asked, what did you say?
He goes, I'm going to kick your fucking ass.
Get out of the car.
This guy's probably in his 40s and has to be around 5'10".
Is this me?
250 pounds.
That's not me.
I'm 21, 6'3", 200.
I do CrossFit and I wrestle occasionally at another gym I go to.
So I get out of the car and I'm standing there trying to figure out what the
hell is going on.
The guy starts moving towards me.
So I take the initiative and take a step towards him.
We end up being an inch from each other.
And he's trying to do some alpha male shit by just staring at me.
But I have the height advantage.
So I'm looking down at him.
At least 10 seconds go by before the guy goes, how fast do you think you were
going back there?
I say, I don't know, probably around 30.
The speed limit in my neighborhood is 20.
And I know I wasn't going that much over it.
Then he goes, I'm not going to have my children playing in the yard if I know
assholes like you are driving like that in the neighborhood.
After he said that, I saw his wife and son were a little off to the side of the
road.
Once the word asshole left his mouth, I was fucking pissed.
I wanted to just tackle the dick and put him to sleep in front of his wife and
kid to teach him a lesson.
But I pussied out and just apologized to him and said that I was really sorry
and it wouldn't happen again.
The guy then gives me a fucking little smirk and turns around and says, while
walking away with his back turned,
it better not or you know what will happen.
I got to walk away.
I got to fucking walk away.
You definitely should have kicked his ass.
You fucking cunt.
You should have kicked his ass.
Yeah.
What a fuck.
Do you realize what a good – do you realize what this kid did?
He's such a fucking gentleman.
He could have kicked the fucking shit out of this guy.
He saw his wife and kid there.
It would have been emasculating.
His dad is Superman.
He sits there.
You know what it is?
It's that little smirk.
Yeah.
That fucking smirk.
I bet that cunt steals from work.
Yeah.
I bet he does.
Sorry, dude.
That's the first time I literally had to walk away.
You fucking cunt.
Yeah.
You should have kicked that guy's ass.
But it's a good – I suppose it's good that you didn't do it because you weren't
the bigger person, as they say.
But he definitely has it coming.
This – then he writes, now after that shit, I wanted to explode.
I mean the guy totally disrespected me, so I get in my car and drive off.
End of story?
Wrong.
I couldn't get this fucking guy out of my head.
Dude, I can't get it out of my head.
I'm going to actually fantasize that I was there and he did that, what I would
want to do.
I've already – you know what I would fucking do?
I would wait until he was alone.
Don't do this shit.
Don't do this.
But I know what – you just want to get the guy alone and be like, hey, what
are you going to do now?
Huh?
What are you going to do now?
Just get right in his fucking grill and have him back down.
I would almost just say to the guy, say, hey, listen, man, just call him over
to the car and just say, listen, I just wanted you to know the other day that
if I wanted to, I could have fucking stuffed you in my trunk, tied you up like
a fucking pretzel and ass raped you in front of your fucking wife.
But I chose not to, okay?
Because I didn't want your son to know what a little fucking – I can't say it
– pussy he has for a – that wouldn't have been homophobic either.
I wouldn't mean to be talking about gay people.
That's such a fucking pussy move.
Yeah.
And if for some reason – but I'm – no, then that's what you say.
Maybe do it like Columbo.
Just say, listen, man, I got to ask you something because I'm six foot three.
I crossfit.
I wrestle.
Okay?
And just looking at you, I know I could tie you into a pretzel.
I know I could do it if I wanted to.
But the confidence you had, I just want to know what is your background, you
know?
Because, you know, I'm a real competitive guy.
You know, if you've got some sort of martial arts training, you know, I would
love to have you.
Why don't you come down to the gym sometime when your wife and kid aren't there
so I don't have to feel guilty when I fuck you up and close both your eyes with
this one and his friend over here?
What does the rest of the thing say?
I don't even need to read it.
It's not – but it's not over though.
I know because what's happening now – this is what happens when you do the
right thing in life.
Okay?
When, you know, it eats away at you.
You have to make peace.
You have to make peace and you've got to tell yourself the lie that someday
this guy is going to get his.
And you know what?
He doesn't.
Guys like this don't get theirs.
Oh, that's smart.
This kid really painted a fucking picture.
This is driving me nuts.
He goes, I couldn't get this guy out of my head.
A week went by and I was still thinking about that asshole.
Dude, I would think about this guy 20 years from now.
Two weeks later, I was driving home from school and I see the guy rolling his
garbage can out to the curb.
I slow down to fucking under 20.
And I know this because I look down at my speedometer.
I pretend to stare the guy down so I look at him and he looks at me and yells,
slow down!
Wow.
Now, when he said that, I am fucking raging.
I wanted to stop my car and do some ground and pound on his face.
Yeah, this kid knows what he's doing.
This isn't wrestling.
Like, this kid's doing UFC shit.
But did I?
No.
I just drove off like a fag!
The next day, I talked to my friend about it, about what had happened.
And he said that this guy said the same shit to him.
If he said it, he would have put him on his ass.
I know.
Dude, you know what I would have done?
He told me that if he says he's going to kick your ass, then that's a threat so
you can defend yourself.
Don't listen to your dumb friend.
He's saying you won't get arrested.
So a few months have passed and I'm still thinking about this asshole every
time I drive by his house.
Fast forward to yesterday and I'm biking in my neighborhood.
Listen to an IHOP and I hear a honk from behind me.
So I pull my bike over to the side of the road and it's none other than the
same dude in his Ford F-150 driving along.
And he looks at me and gives me the middle fucking finger.
Wow.
Now, granted, I was in the middle of the road and didn't hear the guy coming
because I was listening to music.
But still, the middle finger.
So I bike home, take a shower, and try to convince myself to walk over to the
dude's house and confront him.
But after a couple minutes of pacing, I just decide to wait it out until the
asshole does one more thing.
I mean, I don't want to get arrested.
So my question is, what the hell should I do?
I mean, every time I drive by this guy's house now, I want to fucking veer off
the road and ram my car into the middle of his living room.
Any advice would be good.
All of my friends think I should go over there, but I want a second opinion.
You can't do anything to this guy.
Unless he puts his hands on you first.
Unless he puts his hands on you.
You can't do anything.
This is just one of these things.
But you can do to him what he's doing to you.
This guy has an insane temper.
So, you know, I'm not advocating legally so you don't do this.
But, like, I don't know what, next time, you know, if you see him out in the
yard or something, this is what you do.
I have a great idea.
Do you have any friends who are really good mechanically?
Why don't you take your credit card out, go down to the fucking auto store, or
whatever, or go online and buy, like, one of those fucking train horns and have
it installed in your car.
And next time you drive down the street, just be sort of zigzagging down the
street just to get this guy to be fucking, you know, getting all like, oh, what
the fuck?
And the second he starts screaming, you lay on that fucking horn as loud as
humanly possible and you blow out his eardrums.
That's what I would.
But then again, then no one douche like this.
He would say that I have permanent hearing damage.
You know what I think he should do?
Maybe because I'm a female and I'm all about psychological.
Revenge.
Okay.
Psychological warfare.
What should he do?
I think when the husband is not home, I don't know if he knows his schedule or
whatever, he needs to go over there when the wife is at home and be like,
listen, you know, I'm so sorry about that time that I was speeding.
I really, you know, but your husband seems really upset.
I'm really not trying to be like that.
I would never do anything like that.
And women are like, oh, no, no, no, because she knows her husband is a psycho.
I mean, she could turn around and be like, yeah, you shouldn't do that either.
But I have a feeling she's not like that.
And he can just go over and just make nice and be like the sweet kid that's
helping out.
Oh, do you need me to take the barrels out?
He needs vengeance.
And then but then I feel like maybe that would fuck with the husband.
And he's like sitting there sipping tea with the wife.
And oh, look who came over.
He just wanted to apologize in person.
And, you know, I don't know.
I don't know.
You know what's a great thing to do is this and then fuck the wife.
There you go.
No.
No, no, he should fuck his wife.
He should fuck his wife.
He should play with his kid in the backyard, like toss the football around with
him.
Be more like the big brother he never had.
You can't do it.
There's nothing like just start giving him the finger.
Listen, this is the deal.
All you got to do is just give him the finger.
Give him the finger right back because this guy thinks you're a bitch right now.
So all you got to do is, you know, you can just yell back.
Just say, you know, just give him the finger.
Yell back at him.
When he's in the driveway, I would like swerve at him and then swerve back.
Just fuck with the guy.
He's not.
I mean, just do that once because the next time you might have like a video
camera.
But I just don't want to get any.
I don't get any.
You know what?
If I was in that situation, dude, you know what I would do?
Yeah.
Oh, Monday morning quarterback.
Look, well, I was in that situation with that other guy, right?
Yeah.
At the last place we lived and I didn't fuck with him because he was an old guy.
I just didn't fuck with him.
And now we found out he has dementia and all this shit.
So I'm psyched.
I never yelled at the guy.
You know what you do now?
You know what?
What really diffuses angry guys like that or makes them even more angry is just
laugh at
him.
Just keep laughing at him.
Laugh at him.
Give him the finger.
And just keep calling him tough guy.
All right, there, tough guy.
Anything, anything, you just keep calling him anything that is remotely.
All right, there, Chuck Norris.
Anything you want to say to this guy that will bait him into hitting you?
This is a really a fuck.
This is a great question.
And I don't want to get in trouble if some shit goes down.
So you shouldn't do anything, sir.
Wink, wink, wink.
This guy's such a dick.
I always say, you know, fucking with somebody's car is like a pussy.
This guy's such a pussy move.
But this guy's such a dick.
And he has like such a.
Oh, my God, dude.
How many times you thought about throat to just choke slamming that guy right
into the
hood of your car repeatedly?
Well, you said I can stuff you into my trunk, bend you like a pretzel and ass
rape you in
front of your wife.
No, but if you just said it really calmly, if you said it calmly with sort of a
smile on
your face, you'd come off like a fucking maniac.
Yeah, that's true.
If you scream that at somebody, you just sound like you're quoting like, you
know, Hulk Hogan
or something, right?
Yeah.
Let me tell you something, brother.
Come this Saturday.
I'm going to bend you into a pretzel and ass rape you.
Yeah.

Wrongfully Accused Man's Ex-Wife Wants Settlement Monday

Here's a good one.
Should I kick my neighbor's ass?
Yes.
Yes.
Generally speaking, yes.
We're going to go with yes.
Hey, Bill, love the podcast.
Is that what time it is?
No, that's East Coast.
Oh, okay.
That's why people bitch.
Where the fuck is the podcast?
I need some advice on what to do about this guy who lives in a few houses down
from me.
I'm a third-year college student, and I live at home.
My parents moved to go live in the state above mine.
You mean north?
And I currently reside alone while they are trying to sell the house.
A few months ago, I was driving home, coming back from a gym.
And while I was driving in my neighborhood, I saw this guy step in the middle
of the road about 20 yards from my car.
He was yelling something at me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.
I slowed down and stopped my car right in front of him.
And he came to my window and told me to get out.
I was totally confused and thought I'd run over his cat or something.
Also, I think he just moved in because I'd never seen the dude in my life.
So I rolled down the window and asked, what did you say?
He goes, I'm going to kick your fucking ass.
Get out of the car.
This guy's probably in his 40s and has to be around 5'10".
Is this me?
250 pounds.
That's not me.
I'm 21, 6'3", 200.
I do CrossFit and I wrestle occasionally at another gym I go to.
So I get out of the car and I'm standing there trying to figure out what the
hell is going on.
The guy starts moving towards me.
So I take the initiative and take a step towards him.
We end up being an inch from each other.
And he's trying to do some alpha male shit by just staring at me.
But I have the height advantage.
So I'm looking down at him.
At least 10 seconds go by before the guy goes, how fast do you think you were
going back there?
I say, I don't know, probably around 30.
The speed limit in my neighborhood is 20.
And I know I wasn't going that much over it.
Then he goes, I'm not going to have my children playing in the yard if I know
assholes like you are driving like that in the neighborhood.
After he said that, I saw his wife and son were a little off to the side of the
road.
Once the word asshole left his mouth, I was fucking pissed.
I wanted to just tackle the dick and put him to sleep in front of his wife and
kid to teach him a lesson.
But I pussied out and just apologized to him and said that I was really sorry
and it wouldn't happen again.
The guy then gives me a fucking little smirk and turns around and says, while
walking away with his back turned,
it better not or you know what will happen.
I got to walk away.
I got to fucking walk away.
You definitely should have kicked his ass.
You fucking cunt.
You should have kicked his ass.
Yeah.
What a fuck.
Do you realize what a good – do you realize what this kid did?
He's such a fucking gentleman.
He could have kicked the fucking shit out of this guy.
He saw his wife and kid there.
It would have been emasculating.
His dad is Superman.
He sits there.
You know what it is?
It's that little smirk.
Yeah.
That fucking smirk.
I bet that cunt steals from work.
Yeah.
I bet he does.
Sorry, dude.
That's the first time I literally had to walk away.
You fucking cunt.
Yeah.
You should have kicked that guy's ass.
But it's a good – I suppose it's good that you didn't do it because you weren't
the bigger person, as they say.
But he definitely has it coming.
This – then he writes, now after that shit, I wanted to explode.
I mean the guy totally disrespected me, so I get in my car and drive off.
End of story?
Wrong.
I couldn't get this fucking guy out of my head.
Dude, I can't get it out of my head.
I'm going to actually fantasize that I was there and he did that, what I would
want to do.
I've already – you know what I would fucking do?
I would wait until he was alone.
Don't do this shit.
Don't do this.
But I know what – you just want to get the guy alone and be like, hey, what
are you going to do now?
Huh?
What are you going to do now?
Just get right in his fucking grill and have him back down.
I would almost just say to the guy, say, hey, listen, man, just call him over
to the car and just say, listen, I just wanted you to know the other day that
if I wanted to, I could have fucking stuffed you in my trunk, tied you up like
a fucking pretzel and ass raped you in front of your fucking wife.
But I chose not to, okay?
Because I didn't want your son to know what a little fucking – I can't say it
– pussy he has for a – that wouldn't have been homophobic either.
I wouldn't mean to be talking about gay people.
That's such a fucking pussy move.
Yeah.
And if for some reason – but I'm – no, then that's what you say.
Maybe do it like Columbo.
Just say, listen, man, I got to ask you something because I'm six foot three.
I crossfit.
I wrestle.
Okay?
And just looking at you, I know I could tie you into a pretzel.
I know I could do it if I wanted to.
But the confidence you had, I just want to know what is your background, you
know?
Because, you know, I'm a real competitive guy.
You know, if you've got some sort of martial arts training, you know, I would
love to have you.
Why don't you come down to the gym sometime when your wife and kid aren't there
so I don't have to feel guilty when I fuck you up and close both your eyes with
this one and his friend over here?
What does the rest of the thing say?
I don't even need to read it.
It's not – but it's not over though.
I know because what's happening now – this is what happens when you do the
right thing in life.
Okay?
When, you know, it eats away at you.
You have to make peace.
You have to make peace and you've got to tell yourself the lie that someday
this guy is going to get his.
And you know what?
He doesn't.
Guys like this don't get theirs.
Oh, that's smart.
This kid really painted a fucking picture.
This is driving me nuts.
He goes, I couldn't get this guy out of my head.
A week went by and I was still thinking about that asshole.
Dude, I would think about this guy 20 years from now.
Two weeks later, I was driving home from school and I see the guy rolling his
garbage can out to the curb.
I slow down to fucking under 20.
And I know this because I look down at my speedometer.
I pretend to stare the guy down so I look at him and he looks at me and yells,
slow down!
Wow.
Now, when he said that, I am fucking raging.
I wanted to stop my car and do some ground and pound on his face.
Yeah, this kid knows what he's doing.
This isn't wrestling.
Like, this kid's doing UFC shit.
But did I?
No.
I just drove off like a fag!
The next day, I talked to my friend about it, about what had happened.
And he said that this guy said the same shit to him.
If he said it, he would have put him on his ass.
I know.
Dude, you know what I would have done?
He told me that if he says he's going to kick your ass, then that's a threat so
you can defend yourself.
Don't listen to your dumb friend.
He's saying you won't get arrested.
So a few months have passed and I'm still thinking about this asshole every
time I drive by his house.
Fast forward to yesterday and I'm biking in my neighborhood.
Listen to an IHOP and I hear a honk from behind me.
So I pull my bike over to the side of the road and it's none other than the
same dude in his Ford F-150 driving along.
And he looks at me and gives me the middle fucking finger.
Wow.
Now, granted, I was in the middle of the road and didn't hear the guy coming
because I was listening to music.
But still, the middle finger.
So I bike home, take a shower, and try to convince myself to walk over to the
dude's house and confront him.
But after a couple minutes of pacing, I just decide to wait it out until the
asshole does one more thing.
I mean, I don't want to get arrested.
So my question is, what the hell should I do?
I mean, every time I drive by this guy's house now, I want to fucking veer off
the road and ram my car into the middle of his living room.
Any advice would be good.
All of my friends think I should go over there, but I want a second opinion.
You can't do anything to this guy.
Unless he puts his hands on you first.
Unless he puts his hands on you.
You can't do anything.
This is just one of these things.
But you can do to him what he's doing to you.
This guy has an insane temper.
So, you know, I'm not advocating legally so you don't do this.
But, like, I don't know what, next time, you know, if you see him out in the
yard or something, this is what you do.
I have a great idea.
Do you have any friends who are really good mechanically?
Why don't you take your credit card out, go down to the fucking auto store, or
whatever, or go online and buy, like, one of those fucking train horns and have
it installed in your car.
And next time you drive down the street, just be sort of zigzagging down the
street just to get this guy to be fucking, you know, getting all like, oh, what
the fuck?
And the second he starts screaming, you lay on that fucking horn as loud as
humanly possible and you blow out his eardrums.
That's what I would.
But then again, then no one douche like this.
He would say that I have permanent hearing damage.
You know what I think he should do?
Maybe because I'm a female and I'm all about psychological.
Revenge.
Okay.
Psychological warfare.
What should he do?
I think when the husband is not home, I don't know if he knows his schedule or
whatever, he needs to go over there when the wife is at home and be like,
listen, you know, I'm so sorry about that time that I was speeding.
I really, you know, but your husband seems really upset.
I'm really not trying to be like that.
I would never do anything like that.
And women are like, oh, no, no, no, because she knows her husband is a psycho.
I mean, she could turn around and be like, yeah, you shouldn't do that either.
But I have a feeling she's not like that.
And he can just go over and just make nice and be like the sweet kid that's
helping out.
Oh, do you need me to take the barrels out?
He needs vengeance.
And then but then I feel like maybe that would fuck with the husband.
And he's like sitting there sipping tea with the wife.
And oh, look who came over.
He just wanted to apologize in person.
And, you know, I don't know.
I don't know.
You know what's a great thing to do is this and then fuck the wife.
There you go.
No.
No, no, he should fuck his wife.
He should fuck his wife.
He should play with his kid in the backyard, like toss the football around with
him.
Be more like the big brother he never had.
You can't do it.
There's nothing like just start giving him the finger.
Listen, this is the deal.
All you got to do is just give him the finger.
Give him the finger right back because this guy thinks you're a bitch right now.
So all you got to do is, you know, you can just yell back.
Just say, you know, just give him the finger.
Yell back at him.
When he's in the driveway, I would like swerve at him and then swerve back.
Just fuck with the guy.
He's not.
I mean, just do that once because the next time you might have like a video
camera.
But I just don't want to get any.
I don't get any.
You know what?
If I was in that situation, dude, you know what I would do?
Yeah.
Oh, Monday morning quarterback.
Look, well, I was in that situation with that other guy, right?
Yeah.
At the last place we lived and I didn't fuck with him because he was an old guy.
I just didn't fuck with him.
And now we found out he has dementia and all this shit.
So I'm psyched.
I never yelled at the guy.
You know what you do now?
You know what?
What really diffuses angry guys like that or makes them even more angry is just
laugh at
him.
Just keep laughing at him.
Laugh at him.
Give him the finger.
And just keep calling him tough guy.
All right, there, tough guy.
Anything, anything, you just keep calling him anything that is remotely.
All right, there, Chuck Norris.
Anything you want to say to this guy that will bait him into hitting you?
This is a really a fuck.
This is a great question.
And I don't want to get in trouble if some shit