Name: Bank Fees
Uploaded: 2016-11-11T21:30:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bank Fees' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bank Fees' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-11. Transcript available.

Ah, now I'm already off fucking track.
You know what my fucking bank did to me?
I walked in.
I had this account in New York that I kind of,
a little checking account that had a little bit of money in.
And all of a sudden, I noticed they were taking some fees out.
I'm like, well, that shouldn't be.
So I get to New York.
I walk in.
I talk to the douchebag who works there.
And he goes, yeah, they're taking $27 a month out.
I don't know why that is.
Here, let me check to see what's up.
Click, click, click, click on this thing.
And he goes, yeah, we shouldn't have been doing that.
And I go, okay, well, can you refund the money?
And they go, absolutely.
And I go, well, you know, I've had the account for like six years.
Can we see how long you've been doing this?
And he's like, I'm sorry.
Our records only go back for four months.
Really?
It only goes back for four months?
That's amazing.
Because my bank records at home go back the entire time I've had the account.
That's incredible.
And I just have some piddly sum in there while you deal with hundreds of
millions of dollars,
if not billions, if not trillions.
I don't know what the fuck you have.
I just know there's a fucking bank of yours in every goddamn state now.
But, of course, it only goes back like four months.
So I go, all right, well, what if I bring my records in?
I look them over and I find out how long you've been doing it.
And they're like, no, we can only refund it for four months.
I'm like, dude, what are you talking about?
And he goes, well, the bank kind of looks at it like that was on you.
And I was like, it's on me to not be like paying attention to make sure the
people who are supposed to be keeping my money safe
aren't fucking stealing from me?
And he sort of like laughed.
I'm like, dude, this isn't funny.
This is ridiculous.
You guys just stole from me.
And if you've been doing it for six years, what's that, 270 bucks, another
fucking 50, like almost 300 bucks a year for six years.
That's like 1,500 to 1,800 bucks, somewhere in there.
And the guy's just sitting there fucking laughing and, you know, this is the
usual shit.
Yeah, what are you going to sue us?
Go ahead.
We'll take some of that bailout money, which is part of your tax money, and we'll
fucking, so I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to close out the account and I don't know, what do I do?
Then I go across the street to one of the four banks that are left.
If anybody out there is in banking, how do I get my money back beyond the four
months?
Because I know that they've been doing it longer than this.
Can anybody explain that, you know?
This is why, people, this is why you don't put 100% of your paycheck into the
fucking bank.
You got to look at it this way.
If somebody mugged you last week, would you walk up to the same person and take
your paycheck and stick it in their back pocket?
You wouldn't, would you?
But for some reason, we have these fucking bankers.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think everybody should turn, like, I don't know.
Everybody should have a fucking safe that you have buried somewhere.
Everybody's got a gun and anybody can blow anybody away.
I know, it's all fucked up.
Fucking assholes.
The guy's sitting there fucking smiling.
You know what he's sitting there doing?
He's doing that little twirly thing, you know, that math people do with their
pens and people are into finances.
I think they do it to hypnotize you.
The guy's fucking sitting there telling me that they've been stealing 30 bucks
a month from me.
And all I'm doing is I'm trying to focus on him.
I keep looking down at his silver shiny pen.
Some sort of mind trick.
Fortunately, I was aware of it.
How am I saying?
Can you stop twirling your fucking pen?
But I didn't want to do that because I was trying to keep my cool, which
obviously is a difficult thing for me to do.
You know, I don't know right now.
Oh, Bill, it's just 27 bucks a month times how many fucking people?
You remember Superman 3 when Richard Pryor stole half a cent from everybody and
the next day he had a fucking Ferrari?
These fucks are taking 27 bucks a month from everybody.
I'm convinced of it.
It's the fucking mob.
I swear to God.
The mob went legit or those there will be blood guys.
They're the fucking assholes that run the goddamn banks.
These fucking cunts are just stealing from me.
And there's nobody, nobody's going to help me.
What am I going to go down there?
I'm going to get that guy.
Used to be on the fucking, uh, Leave It to Beaver.
What the fuck was the name of that show?
Uh, Mayberry.
I always hated that show.
That old cunt walking around with their falsetto voice.
Andy!
You know?
You know what that show lacked?
Somebody that I wanted to bang.
That's why I didn't watch it.
There was nobody fuckable on it.
That was the brilliance of the Munsters.
That they were like, this is going to be hilarious.
We're going to turn fucking Frankenstein and Dracula into these kooky
characters.
And it's all going to be funny.
But they knew at the end of the day, there had to be somebody that the male
demographic would want to fuck.
So they came up with that girl who was allegedly ugly.
Why am I explaining this classic show?
You know the deal.
And she looked like Marilyn Monroe.
And that's what kept you in there.
I don't know.
Right?
Batman, after a while, it's like, dude, what is going on with this 40-year-old
guy in his ward?
And then all of a sudden they had Catwoman walking around in that fucking whorey
outfit.
Is she the one who started that shit?
Did women not dress like whores on Halloween before Batman?
Or Batgirl?
Or Catwoman?
Catwoman was the bad one, right?
They're such pathetic cunts.
You know what I mean?
When you take off that fucking ridiculous outfit, go stand behind a wall and
start talking to people.
And listen to how many people even fucking pay attention to you.
They don't because you got nothing to say.
All you can do is just dress up your goddamn twat and start strutting around
the fucking place.
That had nothing to do with Catwoman.
It had nothing to do with her.
It had to do with me fucking getting fucked over by that goddamn bank.
Assholes.
Fucking assholes.
So now I got to go down there.
I got to go down there like some fucking guy whose button store just failed
after 75 years.
You know, Frankie Fishface and Sons.
Remember those fucking businesses when you were a kid?
It was always something, something, and Sons.
You know, and like a lot of the times the kids were forced into the business.
You know, some Italian guy, he opens a fucking prosciutto shop.
And then that's it.
It's like an arranged marriage, except it's your job.
Then you got to show up and be like, I have been working in a restaurant since
I was eight years old.
You know, they don't know shit about anything else.
So everybody wanted to strike out on their own.
And now look, everybody ends up in a fucking cubicle working for these fucking
cunts who are stealing my money.
That's uplifting, isn't it?