Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-16
Uploaded: 2016-11-24T20:02:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-24. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, football and Isis.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-11-24. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, football and Isis.

The Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you oh i'm just oh happy
turkey day to you
oh you know stuffing and potatoes and pie and beer
cranberries and gravy and your cousin who's gay um hey what's going on how are
you happy
thanksgiving happy not having to fucking go to work today huh you around the
table are you sitting
down yet well if you haven't gone downstairs yet i got some advice for you
today is going to be a day
i think there's going to be a lot of fucking arguments a lot of fucking
arguments at the
table right the big fucking election some people wanted the guy with the
eyebrows some people
wanted the fucking lady with the pantsuit right um this is what you got to do
see you're already
going to have a fight right there's already going to be your older brother
there's going to be this
person there's going to be another somebody's going to say something right and
you're going to be you're
going to have a couple of wild fucking turkeys as you're standing over there
you know eating a
fucking appetizer or two and somebody's going to be getting on your nerves
maybe somebody's fucking
wife who won't shut the fuck up right why the fuck did he marry her maybe maybe
it's the husband
jesus christ what is she doing with this guy all he does is fucking talk about
himself something's
going to drive you up the fucking wall if it's not this it's going to be that
this is this is the
phrase this is the phrase that's going to save your day okay save the whole
fucking day because
you're not going to change anybody's opinion all these fucking jerk off still
yelling how could you
vote for trump well what the fuck about hillary you're not changing you're just
going to fucking
yell at each other so here's the phrase you got to use to get through this
fucking day
all right along with the alcohol or whatever drug you fucking want to use just
fair enough
you know hey fair enough
that's like that's all you got to do what'd you say hey hey guys guys guys fair
enough
fair enough whatever you don't need to see him anymore right now if you're
younger and you still
live there that's kind of fucking tough i don't know what to tell you but if
you've already moved
out of the house why are you still arguing with these people why are you still
trying to change
their fucking minds you're not going to change their minds all right i don't
give a fuck if
you majored in debating it's just stupid fucking school in the woods whatever
the fuck it is you
did and now you're coming back and now you think you know something and you
think that your fucking
siblings want to hear it you know what they don't the same way you don't want
to hear the way they
fucking eat when they had they've had a couple two three right and all of a
sudden the man everything
just sounds like they're eating fucking mashed potatoes you know you start
having these murderous
fucking thoughts you know just fair enough hey hey fair enough whatever
whatever is that what you
think is that how is that how you look at the world hey god bless you pass the
fucking peas and
carrots fair enough fair enough you know that's all you got to do that
eventually the meal's gonna be
over all right and you're gonna get in your fucking car you're gonna drive away
unless you stay in there for the weekend well then you got to go out to i don't
know you got to uber
you got to uber all right you got to get the fuck out of there yeah thanksgiving
is a uh it's such
a great day there's no pressure to get any gifts you're eating a bunch of great
food all of that is
tremendous okay unless unless you go into her fucking family's house or his
family's house
that's a weird one because you know you're used to all your family's food and
thanksgiving you know
how it's supposed to taste now you're gonna go somewhere else it's gonna taste
a little bit
different you know this is like a classic stand-up bit like here's how it
usually is but when you're
fucking blah blah blah oh it's a whole different story right then you just got
to suck it up and
just be like you know worst case scenario this absolutely fucking sucks you
know in which case
fair enough you know you don't know how to cook okay you're supposed to cook
today you know it's it's
like when it's somebody's birthday most people can't sing but god damn it you
got to sing the song
so they do the best they can happy birthday right they do what the fuck they
can
well sometimes you got to take the the same fucking theory of a tone deaf
person singing happy birthday
to you because they love you right you got to apply that to food which is a
motherfucker which
brings it to how do i make it look like i ate this shit when i really didn't
well
oh jesus i don't know how to do this one what you got to do is you got to
fucking uh you got to engage
in a lot of conversation as you just sort of fucking hitting the plate with
your fork a little bit as if
you almost like you know that noise people make when they want someone to make
a speech that annoying
fucking thing you know oh my god nothing fucking makes my goddamn blood boil
like when i'm in the
middle of a fucking conversation and some cunt starts hitting a glass with a
fork and then for whatever
social fucking reason i have to now shut up you know oh my god that gets me
going but not today not
today everybody hey fair enough hey somebody's down somebody's down the fucking
street over there with a
little little fucking spoon knocking it against some glass you know i guess we
all have to start as adults we have
to shut the fuck up right like we're working for this asshole babe you know
what hey fair enough
fair enough you know you just fucking sit there oh oh here we go oh good oh
here's a cliched what
i'm thankful for speech oh is that what you're thankful for you know what i'm
thankful for lady
every fucking word that comes out of your mouth is one less word it was one
word closer to the end of
whatever the fuck it is you're saying you know that's when you know this is
what you know the
passive-aggressive move is when someone's in the middle of that is you you
fucking ask somebody you
just kind of pointed somebody you pointed some a plate you know a little yeah
give me that butter
right and they're still yammering on you know you know back in 1983 when we
first saw this house
right you're just sitting there buttering your roll oh is this gonna go every
goddamn
year from 1983 hey you know what fair enough fair enough yeah i didn't want to
wear this sweater right
he's are these potatoes instant these potatoes hey fair enough hey you didn't
you didn't have time to
to cook real ones maybe they ran out of them down the was the last time they
ever ran out of potatoes
they never run out of potatoes in this country that's why so many irish people
over here right
fucking irish man they tapped out on their own country one time in their whole
history they run
out of potatoes and everybody jumped ship right but not the real irishmen the
real irishmen and real
ladies they stuck around not like these cowards that all moved to new jersey
um but you know what hey fair enough you know they wanted some potatoes
this is one of these days people you know and if you're younger man you got to
enjoy the holidays
because because they're never going to get it doesn't get better then you know
because you don't
know any better so the food tastes the way the food is supposed to taste in
your world
right everyone who's supposed to be there is there you know
it's when you get older and you start expanding your world and all of a sudden
you know
jesus christ i mean you're sitting there with somebody you might give me up me
you might be
sitting at that table being i don't even know if i'm with the right person
right now
what the fuck am i do hey you know what hey say it with me fair enough i'm with
somebody that i probably
was never really in love with but didn't realize what love was you know and now
here i am
and all i gotta do is not get in an argument for one fucking day i can do this
right by saturday i'm
gonna be out of this fucking relationship and you know what oh i'm gonna be
thankful then
you bet your sweet fucking ass um
oh my god if it starts going into politics if it starts going into politics you
almost need like
a referee during this period of u.s history to just literally step in with one
of those footlocker
fucking athletes foot ref shirts blow a fucking whistle and just send the two
people to opposite
fucking lazy boys let it go let it hey hey it's over it's over she went home
she went home it's over
okay she's not coming back i don't think she's got a third run in her all right
sir sit down sit down sit down buddy nobody's building a wall today okay just
fucking relax maybe he could be the peacemaker who knows who the fuck knows um
i'm actually very
excited you would know it this year for thanksgiving because i'm back in my
house
the kitchen is done oh my god the fucking kitchen is unbelievable
my lovely wife fucking freaked when she saw it she wasn't looking at it you
know she's just like i
just want to see it when it's done i want to see it when it's done i didn't i
was peeking at the
presents the whole time ruining my christmas but i was having to make somebody
had to make sure that
the shit was looking all right right so uh she got to see it from basically a
gutted kitchen
to just bam right there fred a brand new kitchen and uh it's absolutely
gorgeous the people who built
it you know what that's what i'm thankful for the people who built it man it's
like uh
i can't believe that that thing is in my house and i get to go in there and
make myself a little egg over
aegi this morning with some bacon and all that by the way i bought that grill
top i bought that lit
fucking griddle thing last night and uh nia's pissed at me sort of you wait i'm
gonna make a
one grand slam breakfast all right and watch her shut the up a little bit of
hash brown some
fucking bacon right slide the bacon over you cook the eggs and the grease of
the bacon like nobody can
handle that i don't know why the fuck we have guantanamo bay all those fucking
people down
there if you want them to talk you just make them a grand slam breakfast with
the eggs cooked in the
grease from the bacon and just be like hey buddy not for nothing i don't know
what people told you
but this right here this is america okay welcome just gotta answer a couple of
questions here
i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about it's early out here give me a
break all right what do
you want from me okay you don't like the podcast hey guess what fair enough
fair enough i get it
there's plenty other podcasts hey you you enjoy go to all things comedy
wonderful podcast network
go check out ari shaffir skeptic tank you know the burke kreischer podcast i
don't know what the
fucking names of them are what am i what am i these we're fucking encyclopedia
of podcasting over here
um yeah there's gonna be a lot of arguments today and uh it'll be a victory if
um
you know if you don't get in one maybe you could be that person that keeps
everybody out of it
as everybody starts screaming and yelling you know you know he's a fucking sex
offender blah
blah blah well she's a dad all that type of shit you can be in the background
like hey anybody try this pie
just walk right in the middle of it oh man i want to see a compilation of
youtube videos
of the political fucking i've almost said discourse that's probably the wrong
fucking word
do you realize how many words i know that i don't even know what the fuck they
mean i just know what
words they go with you know discourse goes with political political discourse
you know you use the word ornate when you're in a theater
i don't know what it means i i you know i remember you know i got a computer i
could look at it hey fair
enough i could look it up why am i gonna bore you guys with this um so anyways
i'm back in my 