Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-16
Uploaded: 2016-12-13T02:02:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available.

The Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-16

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday november
28th 2016 that i'm doing on november 29th a tuesday what's going on how are you
um i am okay
in case you were wondering i got a little uh i know i got a little i've been
fighting off this
car for like two fucking weeks who's kidding who right and i uh you know i was
fighting it off and
it was getting worse and nia kept going why don't you take some medicine why
don't you take take some
of this mucinex all right holy shit hat fucking my hats off to anybody that can
get fucking drunk off
that stuff jesus christ that's like peppermint schnapps times fucking 20. it
really is mucinex
is like schnapps on steroids it's just you know one of the you know the others
have these dumb
challenges like the mannequin challenge i don't understand what is the
challenge just hold still
as somebody pans around the room that's a fucking challenge how the fuck did we
go from faking a
lunar landing faking that faking out the whole fucking russians they got so
freaked out that
they went they went on a hissy fit for the next fucking 30 years before they
finally went broke
right in the early 90s because we we accepted the challenge of the faking of
the lunar land maybe we
even got there the lunar land landing challenge now we're fucking oh the mannequin
oh planking yeah
i lay face down and somebody takes a picture of me oh dude that's epic jesus
christ i don't know
you know what the you know what it is is these fucking goddamn cunts young
people these days you
know no offense right god bless yous let's say fucking spend their whole lives
with these fucking
reality virtual reality goddamn things on their head they're playing video
games they don't have any
skills the second you take the fucking laptop you take the fucking laser tag
thing the paint gun
whatever the fuck technology is the thing that you know that new thing that
that they're trying to
get old people into the virtual reality like like living a fucking life is it
isn't enough
like i want to leave this fucking world really you saw it all huh you been to
venice rode a boat through
the fucking canal you haven't done shit all right so this is the deal they don't
fucking know how to
fucking do anything this is such an old man rant yeah they don't know how to do
anything they're just
fucking literally laying face down in the road you know and somebody takes a
picture is is this is
it's epic it's fucking epic granted in the 70s they did have pet rocks so i
might be full of shit but
you know what it is the great thing about being old is you lack perspective
when you talk about anything
new you're just like that's different it scares me um i don't get the mannequin
challenge i don't you
know and that that was like they also had the uh whatever the harlem shake was
initially it was a
dance and then it was just that stupid youtube thing the ice bucket challenge
all of that shit you
know if your instincts aren't immediately to not be part of the group um i don't
know what that says
about you i don't know what it says about me that i immediately ice bucket or
everybody's doing it well
then fuck it i'm not doing it oh anti-social sick freckled-headed bald cunt
what's wrong with you
today hang on a second rico la
yeah so i've been fighting this fucking thing off
you know i have a bad feeling it might be what this cigar that i got
that there's something in there some sort of bacteria because i was fine and
then i smoked
with versey on his birthday and then i smoked with bobby kelly at fucking
comics come home back-to-back nights and then i just had this fucking cough you
know it's not like
he inhaled the goddamn things it's not like i smoke one every fucking day i
smoke one like once every
two weeks oh they've been a little bit of a bender okay um so anyway so sunday
night
you know it's been a good 15 days since i smoked all right i'll smoke another
one went down with my
buddy we watched the broncos chiefs game arguably the greatest sunday night
football game ever
i lost track of how many fucking lead changes there were um
just you know and i wasn't drinking i haven't drank since thanksgiving i kind
of bottomed out
thanksgiving right you know let's back i had a great thanksgiving by the way it's
great
fucking thanksgiving um we ended up did i talk about that already i think i
already did
maybe i didn't i don't remember oh i started talking i hadn't gone to it yet
that's right
that's what it was listen to this we went to somebody else's for thanksgiving
and everything
was delicious every side was not only delicious it was a home run it's the best
thanksgiving i've had
since i've been a kid when i ate at my my parents house you know my mother
cooks so it just automatically
tastes right because that's the only thanksgiving you know right but that once
you move out you're
eating other people's food and no matter what it's always a little bit
different it's not quite the same
you get that feeling of it's over i have to pay rent now i'm gonna get old
right i'm gonna be that person what happened to him and then i fucking die and
blah blah blah blah and
all that bullshit right so anyways um we had a great fucking thanksgiving and i
had this
fucking bottle of bourbon that i brought that was my responsibility where the
fuck is my phone
i gotta give this thing a shout out man you know they say you can't judge a
book by by its
fucking cover um i actually judged this bottle just by how cool the fucking
bottle looked so let me scroll
through my it was called angels and something or other by the way it rained
like a motherfucker out
here and i have water collecting up on my roof again fucking cunts it's
unbelievable it's just
fucking it's just it's just not even right so i gotta get the third fucking
people out here to see
if they know how to fix it ah god damn it i thought i took a picture of it no i
gotta find it hang on
a second you know i'm gonna hit pause i'll hit pause all right i found it
angels envy it's a kentucky
bourbon god damn it was that delicious and uh me and two other people uh we
finished the bottle and uh
i don't know i got like to my last one and i was just like you know what i
think this uh i think it's
time for me to shut it down you know every once in a while the drinking just
gets a little bit too
fucking far and then i just shut it down so i walked away cold turkey thanksgiving
night cold turkey i
fucking walked away from it and uh you know i'm not gonna lie to you i miss it
it's only been four days
i'm still thinking about you sending it letters and shit um yeah i'm just gonna
shut it down probably
until um i'd say maybe the rose bowl new year's day or whatever i already gotta
shut it down i got
a fucking kid coming so it's over you know what you know what people i gotta be
honest i had a great run
i got the stories you know i spent a few uh few hours in jail i mean i've done
you know went to court
i had the whole you know had to apologize to people i i had a very full
experience with alcohol
you know talked to some chicks that were way out of my league you know i i did
it i had the whole thing
you know stayed on the outskirts of bar fights to make sure that i didn't get
pummeled
so that's it so anyways um believe it or not as bad as my cough sounds it's way
better than it was
fucking yesterday i was gonna wasn't gonna put you through that shit so anyways
so sunday night yeah
smoked another one of those cigars and yesterday i woke up i just was having a
fucking coffin fit
granted i was already run down so yesterday um i didn't do shit i gotta tell
you that was like
the greatest six hours of my life not doing shit but somewhere in that six hour
after the six hours
i was going out of my fucking mind i don't know how you guys do it you know not
you guys just whoever
the fuck is out there that just can just truly take a goddamn day off like i go
fucking nuts after six
hours it was great i laid there i watched like two three episodes of um westworld
getting caught up
i'm up to like episode uh six i'm gonna watch today right and um loving that
show although you can't
watch more than two or three in a day it's just too much man it's like just
gotta be you know
it's a lot of shit going on to kind of take in and then also having now doing
my own little show
that's only a half hour when i look at that show i just think of like how
fucking long did it take them to do this and i'm gonna sit here and i'm gonna
watch it in two days
and then be that douche going when season two coming out you know it's like it's
a fine bottle
of wine and i'm just gonna chug the thing you know after the third glass i'm
not really tasting
it anymore because i'm so hammered i might as well be drinking like fucking red
white and blue beer
or some shit right just doesn't seem right so anyways that's what i did
yesterday and um i'm feeling
much better thank christ so um by the way today is november 29th which is uh
the five-year anniversary
since the passing of one of the funniest and greatest people i ever met patrice
o'neill
speaking of which there are still uh some tickets left for the uh the fifth
annual patrice o'neill
comedy benefit um all the proceeds after we pay for the uh the venue of course
our only expense um
you know goes to all of his loved ones it's been a tremendous success and this
year we have
we have um let's get the whole line up here for god's sakes for god's sakes we
got leslie jones
we got rich foss we got bobby kelly keith robinson gary goleman dan soda soda
right and myself um
it's gonna be another great year of um i'm just getting to see all those people
you know i never
get to see them anymore because i'm always out here gigging on the road or
living out here in la
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba so um that's going to be uh tuesday february 21st at the
new york city center
and um you know it's just a it's just a great event and um thank you to
everybody who's come to it
in the past years and um you guys have done a wonderful thing um keeping all
his loved ones
comfortable and uh very proud of that whole charity thing because um you know
as tragic as it was that
he was gone i'm very proud of the fact that all of his friends stepped up and
that all of his loved
ones are comfortable because i know that that's what he would have been
concerned with so with that um
i'm actually doing another benefit for those you can't make it to new york city
if you're in the la area
and you would like to um you'd like to help out on another benefit i have
another buddy of mine that
died so what happens when you get into your 40s man it's fucking brutal is a
couple of your buddies die
too young man it's awful this guy pete cummin i started out with him in um 1992
um did stand up
with him from 92 to 99 and then he moved on to writing with national lampoon he
did some stuff for the
ufc just a great guy unfortunately um had a heart attack a few weeks ago and
about a month ago
so uh tuesday december 6th at the laugh factory i'll be doing a headlining set
there and a bunch
of pete's friends from back in the day a bunch of comics we haven't all been on
the same show in
forever probably 20 years will be uh going on um earlier in the night uh it's
going to be a great
thing and uh it's in memory of him so there you go so enough with the uh
friends of mine that have
passed away unfortunately um let's talk about some shit here i fight i gotta uh
i gotta give a shout
out to fucking niko rossberg winning his first formula one championship um the
final few laps of that race
were amazing right for those of you who are not into it basically what the
situation was lewis
hamilton had won the last three niko rossberg had never won they both drive for
mercedes okay so niko's
the young upstart lewis is the grizzled vet even though they're both fucking
young it was kind of like
days of thunder if both both people look like tom cruise is basically it right
it's like two tom the
old tom cruise right scientology