Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-16
Uploaded: 2016-12-13T02:11:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available. Bill rambles about white shit, preachers and having Ebola.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available. Bill rambles about white shit, preachers and having Ebola.

The Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-16

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
um december 5th 2016 what's going on how are you um you're doing your holiday
shopping
is that what you're doing oh my god what do i get this person and there's just
not enough time
slight ebola by the way slight ebola is still left um yeah you guys you're in
the same boat
as me um you know i handled some of the i needed to handle uh you know i got
fucking nieces and
nephews and all this i gotta take care of so i don't know what to do you know
what i'm gonna do
i'm gonna go on billbird.com click on the podcast page and click on the amazon
link and go straight
to amazon and kick me a little do re b huh oh no bill you shouldn't have hey
don't worry about it
i made a little bit of cash on this one oh enjoy your remote control lamborghini
um anyways uh so i know the podcast is late i was gonna try to do it last night
but uh unfortunately
i had to go to a memorial service for my friend who died and uh it was a
beautiful beautiful ceremony
and also one of the saddest things i've ever seen with these young kids and
everything and uh
didn't feel too funny last night but um i learned a lot man i learned a lot by
going to that service i will
tell you that because when they did the collage of his life in the end of it um
the photos and the
videos and everything like 99 of it was about him with his wife and being a dad
so it made me feel
lucky that i'm gonna become a father definitely because uh i was thinking like
what if i died right
now what would the collage look like for me and it would just be a picture of
me in a bunch of
different comedy clubs making weird faces um obviously the lovely nia but you
know what i
mean i was kind of like uh what me playing drums like what the fuck did i do to
keep you know not
to say that you have to have a fucking kid because definitely i think if you
don't have a kid at this
point if you don't want to that's a great fucking thing considering all the
shit going on with the
environment to uh not just have another person just to have a person but um you
know like with all of
these things the great thing was i got to see a bunch of comics that i had not
seen in a while
and uh i will be seeing a bunch more this tuesday night at the uh laugh factory
i believe the event is
sold out so thank you to everybody that came down and bought tickets i uh or
how would the fuck you
kids do it nowadays i really appreciate it it's going to be uh the money is
going to be going to
uh his uh twin boys but um anyway so yeah so i went that was a very very heavy
emotional night so i did
not feel remotely funny because that was the thing oh typical fucking psycho
comic i'm gonna go to a
memorial service for a friend of mine that i've known for almost 25 years and
then i'll come home
then i'll do my podcast after that you know if you think some of my shit is bleak
and dark
um yeah i i'm glad i did not record last night so i had some shit to do this
morning i'm a little bit
late um we're editing the season two of f is for family and all that shit have
i made you laugh yet
all i'm doing is telling you what i'm now laying in my bed and i fucking blah
blah blah you know
fully clothed by the way fully clothed this episode um the nc 17 thursday
afternoon just before
friday monday morning podcast did not do well in the ratings as far as the
feedback you know
it was something that we here at monday morning podcast industries decided was
you know maybe a
different flavor we could throw to the podcast every once in a while i could
just be wearing a robe
with nothing underneath it that nia could then comment on and um you know it
was like new coke
that's that's all i would say
i'm kidding actually with some of the funniest fucking photoshops i don't know
if you guys saw
them on twitter uh the sharon stone was fucking yeah that was i don't know how
you top that one that
was great so anyways let's let's talk about life let's talk about the world let's
talk about uh
hey congratulations to everybody up there in the dakotas that was fighting
against the uh pipeline
evidently they've been able at least able to stop it for now you know good lord
some of the shit that
they were saying those corporations were doing man they were playing for keeps
they were saying at
nighttime they had drones and they were coming in they had this pepper spray
water mixture they were
spraying at the protesters um that whole thing is so fucked up because i was
just like why can't they
just go down to home depot and buy some of those fucking things that makes the
pipe make a 90 degree
turn go up the street a little bit and go around the shit um evidently all the
white towns
the cowboy side i guess they tried to go through other people's towns and they
were like yeah you're not
running that shit through here so even the white people didn't want it i don't
know
i guess what i'm saying is i should have bought a tesla um until they do the
research on what those
fucking batteries do once they finally take those out you know i remember michael
jordan telling me
not to throw out my batteries you know i believe he was standing next to the
children that sew together
your sneakers there's so much you know you can never you can never not get mud
on your shoes no matter
what you do like how the fuck do you just like no matter what you're doing i do
this and i'm not hurting
anybody or the planet just the mere fact that you're here you know somebody is
crying in a factory
somewhere right or the inverse if you're the kid or the person working in the
sweatshop right
you got to be doing something you're probably taking it home with you you know
coming home
screaming at your wife that's my part of the concrete slab to sleep on right
there's something
who the fuck knows i don't know maybe i'm just an arrogant cunt in a first
world country i have no
idea but let's talk about formula one racing here everybody nico rosberg dude
the level of drama
like ladies if you ever wanted to get into a sport but you just find you know
the four
major ones in the u.s boring or you're not into uh soccer or whatever the
people watch around
the world cricket you like drama you like all of that i i highly suggest
watching formula one racing
this whole nico rosberg lewis hamilton thing nico rosberg right he's the he's
the upstart guy as i
said he finally won his first championship after being a bridesmaid the last
couple years this is
my first year watching it so i'm sure a lot of this i'll have wrong um he wins
his first championship
all right and then out of nowhere out of the blue he retired he just said that's
it i'm done and
somebody tweeted that to me so i looked it up and i saw that it was true and
the only clip i saw
was him just standing there and his wife was talking the entire time so i'm
just sitting there looking
going like wait a minute is this guy was this her decision you know he's got a
kid on the way
just like god nico do you really have to drive again this weekend where abu
what
i it's it's just so silly i mean you know i drive a car too you know i don't
have to put a number on it
and drive around s turns i just it's just such a male testosterone thing you're
hurting the environment i
don't know if he got in her ear like the whole yoko thing which people always
says yoko broke up the
beatles which i i don't i don't believe that i think john and paul kept
bringing their work home
bitching about one another and after a while both linda and yoko were like hey
well why don't you just
quit i mean you're not happy right and then they just threw that out there and
then the their ego you
know like they were called in their bluff they couldn't be like what but what
would i do i wouldn't
have a band i don't know if i could write without him right so they just they
they couldn't do that
so they just i don't know what the i'm talking about let's get back to the let's
get back to the racing here so i didn't know if it was that version and then i
read that uh
what's his face that was a kiki lotto or whatever he was trashing nico rosberg
said he made them look
silly and stupid and all of that and i'm just sitting there why the would this
guy quit 31 years
old you just won your first one now you're gonna walk away you know what why
would you do that and
then i was thinking maybe it's his wife he's got a kid coming along he just
wanted he was very emotional
he had to come down afterwards where then there's the little bit of a melancholy
slash depression and
then you're like now i gotta do this again and you gotta climb back up the
mountain again
i don't think it's you know what i think it is i think that um
lewis hamilton was the favorite son this is just total guess at mercedes he's
sick of dealing with
that dynamic you know and he wanted to get out of his contract and the only way
out was to retire
so he might leave for i don't know how long you know and then he'll come back
with a different
team there's no way he's not coming back 31 years old there's no way he's not
coming back he's
gonna take a year off get his kid up and running you know get the kid to be
able to use the
shitter right mama dada throttle brake right you gotta say a few words and then
he's gonna be right back out there again you know i think he's gonna be out
there and he's
gonna race for a different team but here's the thing though those mercedes cars
were so good
that all they had to do was just get to the first turn whoever won the first
turn
right won the goddamn race it seemed so i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess he's
gonna go
with the red bull team because that was the only team that seemed to win
anything this year
as far as the that i watched but uh jesus christ so nico's getting trashed
people like what the five reasons why he would quit um kiki rossberg calls him
a cunt or something
uh nikki lotta sorry kiki uh nikki claude i'm like combining names here slams nico
rossberg for
making mercedes look dumb dude in that last race when lewis hamilton slowed
down
because if nico rossberg came in fourth place or worse lewis would have won the
championship so he
deliberately slowed the down to let the third and fourth place guys catch up
and um and then he
disobeyed a direct order from his pit crew this is i'm telling you it's top gun
you know you two characters are going to top gun right he they told him to
speed up
and lewis is like nah yeah i'm good i can still win this race let's just add 40
years of stress to
this guy maybe he'll he'll spin out and i'll win and um rossberg's also talked
about sometimes you
know when they're out on the track he doesn't know how far lewis is gonna go is
he gonna push me off
the track but rossberg's done the same shit he did that like twice he has this
move where
he goes into a turn it's like goes straight for way too long and then oops at
the last second turns
away and drive some guy into the gravel oh jesus bill you don't know anything
about this sport do you
um i don't know we'll see what the happens but that's my call i think he's
gonna
stay home for a year with this kid right he's gonna go out of his mind as much
as he's gonna love his kid as much as he's gonna love his wife the entire time
that kenny
loggen's song is gonna be going on in the background
um whatever johnny gfk said and then the guy in the pump said he said i am i'm
an egg or my cookie or
something yeah it's gonna drive him up the wall and he's gonna have to go back
out there again
and uh you know and then i think he's gonna drive for the rest of his career um
that's my guess all
right so there you go there's a whole bunch of how often you hear a bunch of
formula one talk
on a american podcast you know nothing i go yourself hey how about that patriots
rams game
you know that's tremendous if anybody ever had trouble sleeping that would have
been a great game
to fucking watch jesus christ i actually did i actually watched uh you got to
watch the game
live with me on facebook it was something