Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-16
Uploaded: 2016-12-13T02:48:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the gun test, traveling and experiencing loss.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-12-13. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the gun test, traveling and experiencing loss.

The Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 12th, 2016.
What's going on? How are ya?
I've got to be a little quiet, man. It's only like 6.30 in the morning out here.
My lovely wife is still sleeping.
And so I'm trying not to wake her up. I'm upstairs.
Going to try to be a good boy this fucking week, all right?
I'm still going to say all the fucked up shit I always say.
I'm just going to say it at a volume. It's, you know, a little more palatable.
You know, I woke up this morning, ba-do-ba-do-boop.
I heard this big fucking booming noise.
And you ever get that feeling like, you're like, did I just dream that?
Or is somebody in the house, right?
And then you immediately start thinking like, all right, I got kitchen knives.
I got a fucking softball bat right next to my bed.
But the reality is, you know, as much as people want gun control and all of
that shit,
I mean, that's the first thing you think of, you know?
You know, there should be a fucking thing, right?
Where if they can fucking test you one goddamn time,
answer like five fucking questions,
and then all of a sudden, you never have to go through any sort of fucking,
you know, major security at the airport.
Because one time, you didn't act like a fucking lunatic.
And then I guess you're good for the rest of your life.
Why can't just like one time?
They can't come up with the same type of a test.
Whatever the fuck they're seeing down at the airport,
they can't come up with that for fucking regular people.
You know, you know what would be perfect?
Just to have a fucking 38 and they let you have a silencer.
Now, fuck that, a Glock with the silencer.
Because you don't want to ruin your ears.
You just want to kill the person that comes in your house, right?
It'd be great.
Be right there next to your table.
And the person comes walking in, you know,
give me all your fucking money.
Just reach over.
Toot, toot, toot, toot.
They fucking hit the ground.
You put the gun back down.
You just go back to sleep.
And, you know, a couple hours, wake back up again.
You're like,
Hey, who's this?
Your brother-in-law came up.
Oh!
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Honey.
Yeah, while you were sleeping, some guy broke in.
Yeah, he's dead.
You want to call the cops?
I'll get some, you know, get the coffee going.
You know, everybody, you know,
they tell you you don't have a knife or anything like that.
You want, bat will give you distance.
But at the end of the day, you know what I mean?
There has to be some sort of test.
They look at your fucking driving record, right?
How you did in high school.
Jesus, I'd be out the window.
I don't know what the fuck,
however the fuck they do it, okay?
And, you know, you just get,
you get a Glock with a fucking silencer.
You don't hurt your ears, you know?
You aim, center, mass, or whatever.
It would be a great fucking thing.
I really think it would be a great thing.
You know, as long as you knew
what everybody's feet sounded like
on the floor in your house,
as long as you knew what their walk sounded like,
that would be the test, right?
All your loved ones in your house,
they would, from bare feet
to fucking snowshoes,
you just had to be like,
all right, that's my son, Mikey.
Okay, that's my wife,
and she's wearing Uggs, right?
And you get it all down.
All right, so then you know
what the fucking sound is.
I don't know, I'm just saying,
I had a little fucking noise,
I got a little nervous,
and I was just like,
what am I, Jason fucking born over here?
I'm not, you know?
My wife's been snoring
to beat the fucking band
now that she's in the third trimester,
which is understandable.
The kid's laying on her fucking lungs,
so I have to go upstairs to sleep,
and all of this shit
went through my fucking head.
All right?
Like, what if somebody came in downstairs,
took out my wife,
and left with no fucking fingerprints?
They're gonna fucking blame me.
That's the first thing I thought.
Not, oh my God,
my pregnant wife was gonna be dead.
First thing I thought is,
I'm gonna go to jail for that shit.
That's what, you know?
I'm really selfish
when I'm in the middle of the night.
I'm really groggy.
Like, right now, I'm awake,
and I'd be like,
well, I wouldn't give a fuck
what they did to me at that point.
I'd be so upset that I lost my wife.
But when I'm laying here,
nice and toasty under the sheets,
that's the first thing I thought of.
Like, oh man, I love this bed.
I wouldn't have this bed in jail.
Anyways,
we're getting down to it, people.
There's only another fucking
19 days left in this year.
Dude, fuck Christmas, by the way.
Fuck Christmas.
Right up the old fucking Yahoo.
All right?
Fuck that stupid ass
fucking holiday.
It's for fucking kids.
The level of fucking pressure
I have to run around
and buy fucking adults.
Fucking presents.
What do you want?
A choo-choo train,
you fucking cunt?
I don't have time for this shit.
I got too much other stuff to do.
You know?
It's fucking brutal, man.
I had one of the worst,
one of the worst fuck,
I wasn't going to talk about this,
I had one of the worst fucking weeks
of my life
and this Christmas music
in the background
is fucking driving me nuts.
I'm going to gloss over
all of this shit
because I've never gotten emotional
on the podcast.
I do not want to do it now.
You know,
I told you one of my good friends died.
I went to the memorial service
and he's got two kids,
10 years old,
went up and spoke at it.
It's the most heart-wrenching thing
I ever saw.
And then Thursday,
I know this is going to be
probably devastating
to a lot of you guys,
I had to give my dog away.
Yes.
Oh, Cleo.
I had to do it.
I got a baby coming
and the Cleo
that you hear
on the podcast
is not the Cleo
that unfortunately
when anybody else
comes to the door
and, you know,
she tried to attack
my parents,
my brother-in-law,
my father-in-law,
all of my friends.
She bit one of my friends,
nipped him
and was just like,
you know,
it was a ticking
fucking time bond
for seven years
with the dog.
I love the dog to death.
My wife loves the dog.
It was fucking devastating.
It's the most devastating thing
I've had to do.
It's just one of those
adult decisions
where it was like,
my brain was like,
there's no fucking way
you can have a baby
crawling around
that then becomes a toddler
and they don't know
how to fucking
pet a dog
and then she gets
a little older
and then has friends over
and their parents come over.
It was just a,
it was a ticking time bomb.
She does not do well
adjusting to new things
and something horrible
was going to happen
and then she was going
to get put down.
So I had to do
the responsible thing
and found her a great home
and this is what kills me
is she's totally adjusted now
and is fucking happy as shit
and I'm fucking devastated
because she's a fucking dog
and within four days
they're like,
oh, is this the new deal?
You're the guy now?
All right.
So,
I'll tell you a quick story, dude.
Fucking,
I had to hand the dog off
to my trainer, right?
So the whole morning
I don't want to act emotional
because I don't want
the dog to be nervous
and so I took her
on one last hike.
It was fucking brutal
and then I was gathering up
all her stuff.
I give it all to the trainer
and I go to hand off
the fucking dog
and it's like,
I didn't want her to be nervous
so I barely even said goodbye.
I was like,
all right, buddy.
okay,
see you later
because I didn't want it
to be nervous
because I love it so much
and then I fucking,
you know,
you know,
the trainer takes it
and then I went back
in the house,
went to the bathroom
and then fucking cried
like a little boy.
It was fucking brutal.
Ah,
brutal.
You know,
it's fucking hilarious.
The way women handle
this fucking emotion,
like,
my wife,
like,
sobbed
like five or six
fucking times
including the night before
and then their ability
to fucking move ahead
is fucking astounding.
Like,
they can
know it's sad,
deal with it being sad,
they fucking cry it out of them
and then,
I'm not saying
she's not heartbroken,
she's fucking devastated
but like,
their ability,
their fucking ability
to handle shit like that
versus a guy,
guys fucking
deny,
deny,
deny
and then they just
hold on to the shit.
You know what I mean?
Everybody's got that
fucking buddy of theirs,
you know what I mean?
They're married,
they got a couple of kids
but you get like
two,
three scotches in them,
they start talking about
some broad
from fucking 25 years ago.
It's like,
dude,
when are you going to let it
go,
because you know,
we're not allowed,
like when I cried over my dog
the whole time
I was fighting it
so it was like
an eight second cry.
Poohoo!
Done.
Alright,
fight it off.
Just keep it right there
in your chest.
Keep it fucking right there
and then,
you know,
I'm telling you,
fucking like nine years from now
I'll be at a fucking
Christmas party
and have a couple
too many fucking
Zinfandales
and I'll lash out
at somebody
and they'll be like,
dude,
where the fuck
did that come from?
And I'm not even
going to know.
It's going to be because
I didn't hug my dog
before.
I mean,
I definitely,
you know,
I did with the days
coming up
and that type of shit
but I should have given it
one last fucking hug
but I knew I couldn't do it.
You know,
so,
alright,
let's pass that.
Let's get past that.
Anyways,
so I went to the Rams game
yesterday.
By the way,
I did hit pause
to regroup.
Brutal.
Brutal fucking
brutal week
and the whole fucking time
I got to sit here
and listen to fucking
Christmas music
everywhere I go.
You know,
if I had a hammer,
I'd hammer.
Is that a fucking
Christmas song?
It's kind of a fucking
psycho song,
right?
Second adult says
if I had a hammer.
We all know what a hammer
is for,
dude.
Alright?
I don't know.
I always get nervous
when I hear that first sentence.
If I had a hammer.
Anyway,
so I went to the Rams
versus
Atlanta Falcons game
yesterday.
A buddy of mine
had tickets
and
I was like,
dude,
I got to go
because I really wanted
to see the Los Angeles Rams
playing in the
LA Memorial Coliseum.
I mean,
that's where
all the greats played
from the Rams history,
right?
I believe Eric Dickerson
played there
before he went to,
before they moved
down to Anaheim.
Probably the last
of the greats
to play there.
The fearsome foursome,
right?
Lamar Lundy,
Merlin Olsen,
Rosie Greer,
Deacon Jones,
who else?
Roman Gabriel.
That was all
before my time.
Then I came in
when it was
the fucking
quarterback controversy
of Pat Hayden,
Vince Ferragamo,
Wendell Tyler,
right?
Jim and Jack Youngblood.
What was crazy
about them
is back then
if somebody
had the same
always,
if somebody
has the same
last name
as you,
they put
just your
first initial
and then a
period,
but it was
Jack and Jim.
So they had
to write
their whole names
and said
Jack Youngblood
on the back.
It never
looked right.
It looked
fucking weird.
But anyways,
but anyways,
I went there
and it was
the typical
LA sporting
experience
that you,
a lot of times
where there's
just as many
fans,
if not more
fans,
because it's
a transient
city.
It really has
nothing to do
with LA fans.
There's just so
many people
like myself
that moved
out here,
you know,
chasing the old
Hollywood dream
or if people
are just
fucking sick
of,
you know,
just bad
weather,
people are
just always
fucking moving
it.
By the way,
dude,
I'm telling you
right now,
dude,
this fucking
real estate
bubble out
here of them
building all
of these
fucking luxury
apartment
buildings,
you know where
I fucking
go over and
play hockey?
They got this
thing,
the Pickwick
hockey thing
that's also a
bowling alley
and a function
room.
They're fucking
knocking that
whole thing
down.
Knocking that
whole fucking
thing down
because they're
going to
have luxury
apartments.
It's just,
there's going to
be no place
to skate out
here.
The one that
was over in
fucking,
was it
Century City
or some
shit?
I always get
confused over
there.
It begins
with a C.
It ain't
cut.
I don't know
what it is.
They fucking
that one's
done.
Now this
one's gone.
The only
one of t