Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-17
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:15:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles the Rose Bowl, having hope and one thing leading to another.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles the Rose Bowl, having hope and one thing leading to another.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
january 3rd 2017 what's going on how are you how's it going oh jesus what to
talk about first uh no
i am not a father that's not why this is fucking late all right i just lost all
my female female
listeners i was at the rose bowl yesterday that's why i did not record okay i
watched a bunch of
college football this weekend right i watched a bunch of um a bunch of college
football got into
this huge debate with jason lawhead before the ohio state game going dude i
still don't get how the
you guys are in the playoff and penn state isn't you know you guys lost to penn
state head to head
and penn state won your conference championship that would be like if the yankees
won the american
league east and the red socks won the wild card and then the red socks got to
compete in the
playoffs to possibly win a world series and then the yankees didn't that makes
no fucking sense
whatsoever and he starts going i'll tell you right now we had uh we had three
of the most impressive
road wins of any team but blah blah just all of this shit and i just kept going
you bleed scarlet and
gray if this was happening to your team you would say it was bullshit and he
said no i wouldn't i'd be
asking why uh washington the washington huskies were in it like he would have
no problem with the team
that his team beat and won the fucking game give me a fucking break right and
then what happens
what happens ohio state goes out and plays clemson and they go out and proceed
to get their asses
by a bunch of goddamn nerds nerds 31 to nothing
clemson just fucking completely dominated them and in the end lie had sends me
this fucking text
he said i can see blah blah blah blah blah and then i just sent him a picture
of joe paterno shrugging
and said i didn't see nothing maybe that's what part of it is maybe that's why
they still don't want
penn state to be in there you know because at the end of the fucking day the
end of the day this guy
kind of fucking you know there's a lot of shit going on in the shower there and
the guy he fucking
didn't say nothing it was so weird about being at the game because i was
rooting for penn state
yesterday at the amazing amazing fucking game by both teams the quarterbacks
they both set like
tied or set a zillion fucking records the highest scoring rose bowl in history
uh at one point both
quarterbacks had four touchdown passes which i don't think i think that tied a
record or i can't remember
and then one the uh the redheaded kid there threw his fifth i think he was
right i don't know i was
fucking sitting way up there um he threw his fifth touchdown so uh final score
was what was it 52 to
49 the over under was 53 and a half so um penn state scored 28 points in the
third quarter
it was just a fucking amazing game and uh two things bugged me when i watched
when i was there though of
course there's always something that bugs me okay number one
the fucking uh at one point they were showing all like the coaches or one of
the rosebow whatever
and joe paterno goes up there and this is he gets a bigger ovation than anybody
else
bigger ovation than anybody else how important are sports how important is
winning a game
to these penn state people evidently that's more important
than if you look the other way is some poor kid in a shot i mean it's just it's
it's unspeakable
all right i i just i'm stepping away from that program i've always liked them
you know i was still kind of rooting for him i was like well you know these
kids here in the field
they didn't do it these other people are uh they're innocent of all of it and
then they show
you know they show the furor up on the yeah i'm just like all right these
people right
but then usc and their fans you know usc fans are the classic you know all day
yolo douches you know
what i mean it's just so hard to root for despite the fact you know um oj marcus
allen oj pre-murders
like if they put oj up on the screen you know i wouldn't have well probably i
would have just to
be a cunt all right i'm a penn state fan again i don't want to i don't what
what do you do in that
situation anyways um so penn state uh us usc it looks looking like they're
gonna win the game okay
and then penn state comes roaring back in the third quarter which by the way
took like an hour in like
10 minutes it was the longest quarter of my life the tv timeouts were
ridiculous in that game
i actually said to my buddy i was just like dude you know what this is the most
boring exciting game
i've ever been to in my life it was like it was like if you're watching goodfellas
and every
three seconds somebody just hit pause on it for two minutes that felt like 10
minutes
fucking referees standing around they reviewed everything everything but the
fucking coin toss they reviewed that that game was like four hours well over
four hours long
so anyways penn state comes roaring back
fucking usc fans few of them left most of them stayed
and uh anyways long story short they end up coming you know that they were down
by like uh
i came i was like 27 14. the next thing you know it's 35 27.
then i think it was 35 35 35 35 25 27 penn state then 35 35 then 42 whatever 35
then 49 35 and that's
right then penn state i mean usc came back and scored two touchdowns right and
when they tied it
the usc players just the way they they act their program is the worst they're
the that's they're
like that the type of uh program i can't stand like do you remember the first
game of the year when
they played alabama and when they were coming out of the tunnel there's a bunch
of them acting like
they were these crazed dogs at the end of leashes and they were lunging forward
but somebody's pulling
them back oh you guys oh you wait to see what the is going to happen here and
then they go out there
and proceed to get their asses whipped
by a bunch of goddamn rednecks red alabama kicked the it was like 52 to go
yourself whatever the final
scores and then after all that then they just go hey good game good game they
just scurry off the
field right and then yesterday you see when they win right they win like first
of all when they they
they tied the game up you know and i would say on some ticky tack uh pass
interference calls but like
usc was getting screwed earlier they had a couple it was just sort of ah we you
guys twice
and then uh we'll we'll the other guys twice okay we'll balance it out here
somehow
um a couple pass interference things so when they scored the touchdown to tie
it up with like a
minute left or something dude all the scoring that penn state did i mean they
jumped up and down that was it
dude dude usc the guy they scored in one end zone this guy with no helmet on
runs down the sideline to
the entire other end zone like doing that 300 yell like he scored even then i
would have been like
dude relax it's a tie game all jumping up and down all up on the benches with
their jerseys
spinning them around over their heads and it's a tie game and then in the end
right
by the way penn state totally played marty schottenheimer ball marty ball i
swear to god like
every time they had a first down towards the end they just written the first
play was running right
up the middle right near center's ass for no good no yards well we're we're
burning out though we're
you know we're taking time off the clock they were doing that i'm actually
still i'm convinced that
the prevent defense by the way is actually a it's a scam that was come up with
by the heads of the
leagues that is executed by the coaches to make sure every as many games as
humanly possible can
come down to the wire so people will continue to watch that thing once again
did not
work i can't even begin to tell you they just you're just gonna give them the
first 80 yards
then you're gonna play defense and hope that you hold them to a field goal that's
a philosophy and
they will just will take away the sidelines i'll give the middle of the field
everybody knows how it
works and all it does is ensure that on the final three four plays the other
team now has a chance
to win you've been playing defense you've been shutting them down you've been
throwing the ball
you've been kicking their ass and then all of a sudden hand up off the middle
every time
i don't know drove me up the wall so then when usc finally wins it right
after letting up 49 points and then they score 52 the second they win it the
entire team runs down
the field not towards the field goal kicker to celebrate who by the way was
doing that stupid
dap thing the entire thing trying to get like a sneaker deal like what kind of
kicker gets a sneaker
deal they got like half a deal they just get it for their kicking foot then the
other thing they
give them like a sandal so they don't even go out and celebrate with the kid
who
kicked the field goal they just run right down at penn state's band and the
whole fan section and just
screamed all in their faces and what's hilarious is that game obviously could
have gone either way
and if they didn't win they would have been like okay good game good game penn
state wouldn't have
done that it was just a completely classless move but that's how they are you
know that's it's one
of those schools where i say well the coach just doesn't take any
responsibility and he's just like
well uh the uh kids are this uh it's a very emotional team and they uh like to
uh express themselves
and i've done yeah yeah when they win when they win when they don't they scamper
off the field
it's like that richard sherman guy whenever the seattle wins you mad you mad
bro you mad
right and then all of a sudden he loses he tries to be mr fight he tries to be
the mayor hey good
game tom brady good game everybody's like that showed class no it didn't
anybody can be classy when
you lose you can't talk you lost the class act is when you win and you're not a
about it um
but anyways having said that it was a amazing uh amazing game great comeback by
uh usc and uh as
as much as it came down to the wire and there was all those points scored i
have to be honest with
you i i if i could have fast forwarded through the last 45 minutes of the that's
how long the game was
and how long these tv timeouts were i can't imagine how much money they made
the game started at 1 15
it wasn't over until like uh i want to say like 5 45 5 40. it was just way too
far it was over four
hours long it was like a baseball game it's like this is this is what happened
to the national pastime
bill you know what was almost as long as you about the game um anyways so we
went to the tailgate and um
i brought that uh that flat top grill that i got the campfire one um this is
not a paid advertisement
dude thing was unbelievable it was unbelievable lawhead was lawhead didn't want
to go to the
game he was having so much fun he cooked so much i'm like we had so much food
we had too much food
and um that's why i felt like i got hit by a truck because i ate so much and um
we made these hash browns he made this crazy egg sandwich then we had chicken
wings then we had
fucking steak and cheese and we still had burgers and dogs that we're gonna try
to do at the end of
the game but i was just too full but uh lawhead was hilarious man he was so
excited to cook right
i'm back in the truck and he's outside of it and this guy comes walking by you
know when they
they sell those ticket holders i always get one right and he goes uh hey take
it all your ticket
i go yeah yeah let me get four so these guys sort of walking up to the truck
and i'm not doing a good
job backing it in because the grill's blocking my view i'm trying to look
around i don't want to
this thing up and uh so i had to do you know make a couple attempts and rather
than blaming it on me
jay starts yelling at the ticket guy because hey buddy can you get out of can
you get out of
way let the kid parking and then i just hear the guy going hey bro you got you
got to relax and jay
just start