Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-17
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:15:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-17

hey what's going on hey oh what's going on it's it's bill burr and this is the
thursday afternoon
just before friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just
check oh i'm eating
my balls do do do do do do on the damn stage oh oh freckles is paying the
fucking price he's paying
the price every comedian that has a special coming out you know in the next
couple of weeks whenever
the they're putting it out i believe the rumor i heard a rumor bananarama oh
yeah when are they
gonna get back together huh fuck every year that goes by everybody was talking
about when's guns
and roses gonna get back together when's axel and slash gonna but what about
bananarama
i heard a rumor they were getting back together for a summer fucking tour
um i'm paying the price every goddamn all the comedians out there paid uh who
have a special
coming out is that you just go on stage and you have you know you got nothing
you got one little
fucking you got one little pea shooter and then you got a slingshot and uh
fucking whatever two months
earlier you had a howitzer of a fucking act and it's the weirdest fucking thing
just imagine if uh
whatever if you're an athlete or something like every couple of years you had
to relearn not all the
mechanics but you just couldn't hit the jump shot anymore you had to fucking
yeah that that shot
was in my repertoire now i gotta relearn how to fucking do this and but in a
different way i gotta
do it and i gotta shoot it with my left hand now because they already saw me do
it with my right hand
and then the more you fucking do it the more hours you put out right then you
go when i gotta
bounce it off my fucking head because you know you can't keep doing the same
shit or everybody's like i got more of the same dude that reminds me of this
thing you
they don't know another guy with this person right you just gotta deal with
that so last night
you know and of course i have to go on after ian edwards i-a-a-a-n edwards who's
one like that guy
all he has is a level fucking material just up there murdering and uh i went up
there with my
basic fucking horse shit i was in a really dark place it's funny to be in a
dark place and then
like you know mentally just like uh and then to be talking about the that i was
talking about
and um i don't know but i gotta plow through this as far as like uh i gotta get
past
my anger and i'm telling you this exercise that i did that i'm really starting
to think my shoulders
how do you put your shoulders up remember that bit i used to do i think i was
stuck in a defensive posture
like shell shocked you know i mean there's only so many times you can get
slapped in the back of the
head by bigger kids before your shoulders are just naturally up like you're
already beginning to block
whatever's coming at your head and i think i was kind of stuck in that and um
you know i was talking
to some people about that and it was like well you know there's physical ailments
and then there's
the emotional trauma of what's going on with your life and there's certain
people that think they're
related i don't know if you guys are into that hippie man but you look up this
stuff you know this is
like one of these things when you go to look this up you completely leave the
medical profession in the
united states of america like you start like the doctors slowly start wearing
less and less shoes
as you start to go further east with your you're you're looking for medical
solutions you know if
you're looking for a medical solution in the united states of of the americas
it's going to be a guy
in wingtip shoes with dark socks you know fully clothed being like okay yeah
you got a uh your rotator
cup is deep we need to go in and operate and take the medial cardinal the mcl
and all they're going to give
you this straight how the body works we've done an mri this is what the is
going on with your body but
then as you start to go you know you start to step away from that the
pharmaceutical companies and all
that not saying it's all bad not saying it's all bad when's the last time we
had a plague you know
for as much as the pharmaceutical companies allegedly allegedly created a
heroin epidemic in this country
by handing out opiates like flintstone vitamins to adults uh you know there's
also you know nobody's
nobody's walking around with scurvy so that's something right i guess no one
really walked
around with scurvy bill you had to be on a boat lost at sea you know with no
wind in your sails
and iron maiden singing right the curse it lived on it is high um so uh yeah
but the further you go down
that rabbit hole like uh the the longer the hair gets then there's like you
know more loose fitting
clothes then it becomes sandals and then just sort of the more you know man we
start talking like
this and then i get all uncomfortable um i'll look up some i'm gonna hit pause
right now i'm gonna look
up some about like the memories i mean let me see what this doctor looks like
all right perfect perfect perfect perfect so i looked up memories held and
immediately came up
was in body so of course wikipedia has something that's just gonna be like you
know the old right
there fred so the first thing i scrolled down to that was not wikipedia was
tiny buddha all right
and i swear to god it says how to release the painful memories and emotions
stored in your body
uh by jennifer sterling of course now they're gonna let a woman do something
right they're not
gonna let her in the wingtip world so the picture you see is some antonio banderas
looking guy with the uh
i call it the gay cut t-shirt you know you know you know the v-neck t-shirt
that the gay guys wear
because they're all in crazy shape you know what i mean it's not the dad bod
cut
it's the gay male cut where they have chest cleavage because they have zero
percent body fat so the guys
dress white on white with the gay cut t at yoga pants no shoes and he's on the
beach
not a hospital to be found
he looks like a good-looking tom hanks and castaway if he didn't give a fuck
that he was cast away
cast away yeah and he didn't need to talk to a soccer ball because he was so
fucking centered
and he breathed his way through how the fuck did he become a castaway i can't
even remember
it must have been his ship sank right or was he flying with amelia airheart i
don't know was it one
of those tarantino movies where he kind of with history all right the cure for
pain is in the pain
says somebody named rumi and then says free download buddha desktop wallpaper
that kind of kills it you
know when you have like a jesus or a buddha or a muhammad like wallpaper you
know what i mean
kind of cheeses it up a little bit now you think okay it's all right let me
read in my best yoga
voice your body keeps a physical memory of all your experiences you have lots
of memories stored in your
brain that you can recount at any given moment you wouldn't call names faces
yeah i get how my
fucking brain works what your sandwich smelled like but over time these
memories fade or change
as time passes as and we mature however even when the memory begins to fade
from your brain get to
the point it lives in your body in the form of a physical sensation and
behavior patterns
the body doesn't forget now jesus what's your body from hell's kitchen hey that
was for 20 years ago
you fucking piece of right your brain's all forgiving like hey man like you
know not gonna lie i didn't
enjoy it when it happened but you know god i mean it's a sunny day just go out
and enjoy it all right
the events of our lives leave physical imprints in our bodies especially when
we experience trauma okay
okay stress and all this that caused the body to fight flee or freeze in order
to cope this is what i'm
saying i think i was all i was in a uh you know after you take a couple of
right left to the head you just
kind of you just walk around i just thought i i you know i have like 40 years
ago whatever the
i was in high school 40 years ago was i 18 no that was 30 years ago 30 years
ago i was 18.
yeah i'm oh you knew that phone was gonna ring oh you knew it who is this who
the hell is this i should
have put it on pause who is this hello hello
oh for fuck's sake can you believe someone would pocket dial me during my
podcast you know what's
funny is i don't even know who the that was i have no idea who the that was
they have no idea who the
i am i that's what's always fascinated me about when you just you just dial a
wrong number
i've said this before right you dial a number and somebody says hello and you're
like yeah hey is uh
is is is frank there and they're like who and you're like frank and they're
like oh i'm sorry
they're like i'm sorry you have the wrong number now i get wrong numbers
everybody gets wrong numbers
here's my question to you do you think you've ever accidentally called somebody
famous you know what
i mean like you just uh i don't know you just dial the wrong number and like
bill clinton picked up
or obama we'll throw a republican in there george bush hey he's daddy right he
picks up
and you and he has to go through the same is you like is frank there
and he's like you know what is that there's nobody there's no frank here yeah
yeah you i love it then
they read the number t like you don't know what your number is is this blob no
it isn't
that's why there's no frank here um anyways let me continue one all right well
all this
shit how do i get it out of me because my body it never forgets it's like neem
leeson
if you punch me in the head in seventh grade
um wait a minute i love that they finally gave jamie foxx the liam neeson role
he has a movie coming
out where it's one of those movies like you with my family i'm gonna kill you
it's about time you
don't they ran out of young white guys to give that to and then they just kept
going over like liam
neeson i mean that guy's like what is he like 83 didn't he play like obi-wan
kenobi or some
um all right the first tool to put your emotional tool kit uh the first tool to
put in your emotional
tool kit and this is why this is why i've never been able to get through this
shit because
i who's gonna know because i'm up but when i start to go down this road of
doctors who don't wear shoes
like it's okay the pictures that they have okay it says how to set new year's
goals
you'll actually enjoy pursuing and it's a stick figure sitting on a rainbow
staring up at the sun with
a big goofy smile on its face and uh i don't know about you guys but where i
came from
that sort of happiness was not allowed
you basically were not allowed to be happy and it was shamed off
oh no wait why am i letting that react why am i reacting to that i have the
power
i could have you know it's funny right before i started this i was thinking i
should go into the settings
and i should just turn it off and i didn't so i created this situation not a
dead steve jobs
huh you know i guess i could get upset with steve jobs with how
many times that thing rings before it goes to voicemail but then i imagine that
i could actually
go into settings and i could determine that i just don't have the patience all
right the first tool okay
guys your first tool to put in your emotional tool kit
this is the type of class i would go to with nia and she would just feel me
either starting to get
mad or just laughing at the thing as she being the angel that she is an open
channel would
be like okay what is the first emotional tool it's because she's a woman she
gets to do that be like
oh my god let's get some s'mores they get to be like that we're not you know
you don't have a bottle opener you got to use your teeth you know it's just
that stupid guy
shit and if you don't know how to do that thing where you bring your beer up to
the counter and
slam it down you know you're somehow less of a man um i like how i'm putting
all of my issues
on to you guys all right let's see here we go okay the first tool to put in
your emotional toolbox
non-judgment oh i mean there goes my stand-up