Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-16
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:15:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about vacation, life insurance and Joe Pesci.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about vacation, life insurance and Joe Pesci.

The Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and
just checking in on you how you doing sorry it's like 8 15 in the morning my
wife's gonna
fucking kill me i'm sorry it's 8 39 all right it's on the other side of 8 30
you know let's
take those construction rules you can't hammer a nail till 7 a.m i can't yell i'm
just checking in
on you until uh after 8 30 in the morning that's the deal that we have all
right um what's going on
how how is your your um you're in between christmas and new year's do you guys
get the time off
you know i know the kids do kids on break you know just in time to fucking run
into that chick
from high school you always tried to bang give it a shot right everybody else
did you have to go to
work on the 26th the 27th you're right there you're right back it's the fucking
worst everybody should
be off you shouldn't be able to buy food this time of year everything is
fucking closed everybody just
sit down fucking relax you know take a week for yourself we this fucking
country man we got to be
more like europe i don't know how they do it over there with their fucking
goddamn skinny jeans you know
their fucking legs are as skinny as their arms over there in those tall people
countries you know the
scandinavian countries you know down the mediterranean these motherfuckers they
get like
six weeks vacation a year it's fucking incredible why don't we do that
huh president to be donald trump you want to make this country great you can
make this country what
that never fucking had six weeks of vacation you know fucking ah that would be
good how great would that be
every two months you just get a week off right then you work for seven lucky
seven you work for seven
fucking weeks then you get a week off and just sit there and fucking chill out
and start you know
let all the stress of your job go fucking start over everybody is off at the
same time cops pilots
you know people who watch the nuclear fucking facilities you just you know it's
not gonna nothing's
gonna happen right what's this the simpsons it's you're fine everybody just
chill even a war that's it
every fucking seven weeks boom right
seven weeks you try to kill each other and then you know right when it hits the
eighth week
somebody stands up out of their trench silent night holy night
right you just chill up
this is this is basically the deal i am um
really trying to uh i think i'm gonna talk to somebody i gotta get my temper
under control
because i don't want to be an angry dad uh i want to break the cycle
um so somebody told me yesterday they go well why don't you try med meditation
and i go the fuck out of here that works and the person was like yeah i do it
twice a day
for 20 minutes and uh like i'm gonna have the time to do that when i have a
fucking kid
uh twice a day for 20 minutes and um
he said like if you just meditate shut your brain off your body just starts
getting rid of stress
and i asked him i said this has made you less angry he said much less angry
so i'm gonna give that a shot and i'm gonna talk to somebody
you know i've been cleaning up all my shit trying to get rid of a bunch of
stuff
and i found this empty notebook and i was like all right this is going to be
like my
fucking angry journal you know figure out oh my god yesterday like i you know
the amount of
shit that i just i just completely i go from zero to 9 000 fucking degrees um
you know yesterday i pulled up and there was some guy fucking parked in in you
know the top of my
driveway because yet another thing was fucked up with my house did i tell you
guys the awning
fucking broke it's just it just never fucking ends it just never this house it
never rents
i just find myself i feel like i'm running in a giant circle that i'm once i
get everything
fucking fixed you know 360 degrees rotisserie fucking uh
whatever the rebuild of this house the second i do the last thing the first
thing i fixed is gonna
break and it's just gonna start all over again so um anyways i'm gonna try to
do that and um
you know what's fucking hilarious is like when i actually am calm and i am
relaxed it actually makes
my wife nervous you know like not like nervous like she's afraid i'm gonna do
something she's just like
she's like are you uh everything okay with you uh what's what's going on with
you and it's just like
nothing i'm just quiet and relaxing she's just yeah are you okay
so um i gotta dial it way the fuck down you know i think my average energy you
ever play like pickup
whatever sport and there's always that person taking it way too seriously and
before the game even
starts they skate up next to you or they stand next to you post up or whatever
you can just feel their
fucking energy and you're just like oh god not this fucking guy i i hate to
admit it but i think i'm
that guy except i'm not playing a sport i'm just fucking walking around my
house um
i don't know what the fuck it is but uh i have to work on that shit so
um as i've been mentioning you guys i've been getting rid of a ton of shit
um you know selling stuff having a buddy of mine selling on craigslist trying
to take as little as
i can to goodwill because i really believe that they just fill that fucking
truck up with 90 of
the shit and just throw it in the ocean so i'm actually trying to sell it to
people
um just the sheer amount of shit that people bring down to goodwill
like people use goodwill you know what i mean without ever addressing
their fucking consumerism and i did it too like how much i bought and just how
every time you leave
the house you come home with something else in a bag and then it's just in your
house
like when me and nia first moved in with two people in a house i mean it was
like echo echo
and all of a sudden five years later it's filled up i'm like what what happened
how did we become these
people so who are these people so um i'm getting rid of like all of this
clutter uh you know like i have
every fucking laptop just about that i've ever fucking had i i've always kept
them because i don't know
like i always hear that you know they end up in junkyards and something leaks
out of them and i'm like
why don't i just leave it in my fucking closet it's not hurting anything it's
just sitting there
and then i got two in there then i got three then i got four so uh i'm gonna
try to find a place that
recycles them responsibly um so anyways throughout all of this people go you
got to check out this
documentary these guys the minimalists and um i started to watch it the other
night
and uh i'm totally on board it's what i want and i'm watching it with nia and
it's hilarious
as i can feel her getting annoyed and i'm like are you watching this and she
goes yes she goes you
know i don't you know i like my stuff blah blah blah blah and i kept poking at
her to see what the deal
was and she's finally just like yeah i just don't give a about a bunch of white
people that are all
excited that they're now living with like absolutely nothing you know they they
you know if they
and how the fuck did she put it she goes there's a lot of people living like
that not out of it wasn't
a choice right and i was like oh jesus christ we're gonna go down that fucking
room we actually had a
great conversation i was like you know what there's a certain kind of white
person that are fucking
annoys the shit out of you she goes no there is i go yeah there is it's the
white person that is not
happy in life and is trying to to to figure out what true happiness is because
the stereotype of a white
person is that they just show up and all their dreams come true all right these
are just a group
of people that were living away certain way it wasn't making them happy they
tried something new
it made them happy and they just want to share it with you and this is why my
wife's the she goes
all right now that you put it that way okay fair enough i was being judgmental
blah blah blah
we came we came to a good place but it was she went i wish you guys could have
heard she went on one of
her fucking epic rants i was dying laughing because i i heard the element of
truth in it but um
i don't know there is all of that shit though there is that that fucking thing
how every group
of people is like defined you know by a negative and uh you know i guess with
white people is that you
know we have yachts and we're raised by the maid who's not white and uh
whatever we want we get
and then we screw it up and then our parents come in and save us because they
know the judge you know
and that's definitely that's an option as a white person but that's you know
you're really slicing off
the top of the ham there anyways um so this is gonna be the new me you know let's
see how long who the
is kidding who let's see how long i can sustain this okay because the reality
is is you are who the you
are and i am a wound up son of a bitch and um i'm gonna try to unwind as much
as i can for as long as i
can uh before i go back into that deep groove that i've worn into how my brain
is functioned
i'm gonna try to fucking meditate i'm gonna get rid of all of this fucking shit
that i have accumulated um you know for years already i've gone to like comedy
events and stuff
and they're always giving you like this gift bag of it's and it's just it's
just you know
i don't even know what the i don't have to i don't even know what the it is
little things of jelly beans with the festival's name on it some toiletries
some travel bag
you know all in a little bag that has the logo the thing on it you're like i
gotta keep this you know
part of my scrapbook that i don't fucking have and i just what i started to do
is i just say no
i say no and then if it gets weird and they have this vibe of like hey i'm
trying to give you a gift
here and you're turning it down i kind of feel uh you know insulted me a little
bit kind of insulted me
a little bit here i will take the bag and then what i do is i come home and
then i just i give it to
somebody hey you know i should say i take you sure you don't want it yeah yeah
take it take it get it
the out of here you know and what's funny too is actually now when you go out
you try and sell your
you realize how little value it has you know what i mean um i don't know and i
should
tell you when as i sell the have an element of guilt and i always think of that
movie what about bob when that therapist passed bob on to richard dreyfuss that's
what i feel like i'm
doing with my stuff is i'm selling it to these people i'm just looking at them
as they buy it
i'm like you're not gonna use that your problem now buddy um so anyways that's
what i've been uh
that's what i'm doing i got to uh i have to chill way the out um for the next
18 to 22 years
evidently and uh so i imagine i'll get some tweets don't you think that's gonna
hurt your comedy no
i don't i've been up my life for almost half a century i have plenty to draw on
and just the fact
of someone being as wound up as me trying to walk around and act like you know
wearing a sweater and
laughing at small talk is gonna do it for me right right there there'll be
something in that right
or maybe you weren't thinking that maybe that's what i'm worried about and i'm
saying that you're
saying it so i don't look like i'm i'm i'm weak on some level um so anyways
all right jesus christ i've just been babbling like some chick on one of these
shows well
bill maybe you got a little reality chick in you you ever think that
will this goddamn cough ever go away i'm sorry let's do that again
you know i find it really irritating that i uh took some medication for a cough
a long time ago about a month ago and i haven't i'm not smoking cigars i'm
getting a good night's
sleep and i just for some reason you know what it is is my wife um is so
pregnant right now that she
doesn't remotely get cold so the heat has been off in the house all day i walk
around with like a
sweatshirt on i just look at her you're not cold at all li