Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-16
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:15:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about woman removers, NBA hoop and blaming the year 2016.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about woman removers, NBA hoop and blaming the year 2016.

The Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday,
December 26th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? Oh my God, it's the last
Monday of fucking 2016.
George Michael passed away on Christmas Day.
Wake me up before you go, go. Condolences to him.
And you know what the best thing about 2016 being over is, is you no longer,
you're going
to have to listen to people blaming a year for bad things happening, you know?
That's
a big thing. Fuck you, 2016. I saw Madonna tweeted that. Fuck you, 2016. Fuck
you, you fucking
year, man. You know? Why do people keep blaming the fucking year? You know? It
has nothing
to do with the fucking year. You're talking, there's people's genetics are
involved, there's
lifestyle choices, there's substance abuse. I mean, that's what's going on here.
I don't
know why you're, you know, we're picking on 2016 like it's a religion from the
Middle East
or something. I have no fucking idea how it's getting the blame for all of this.
You know
what I mean? Fucking 2016 with your liver cancer? You know? Let's blame 2016
rather than the
pharmaceutical companies that fucking was giving out opiates like Flintstone
vitamins and created
a fucking heroin epidemic. Fuck all of that. 2016 has robbed us of some of the
greatest artists
of our time. 2016 did? Like it's a fucking person? How the fucking Madonna?
Madonna is world traveled.
She's been around the fucking world. Haven't you talked to enough people to not
know to blame
him a fucking year? Well, maybe she's saying it metaphorically, Bill. I don't
give a shit.
You know, if I try to see her side of the things, how can I come up with a
comedic angle
to try to fill out this next fucking 60 minutes? Fuck you, 2016. Oh yeah, you
didn't like seeing
the Cubs finally win a world series. Huh? Nothing good happened to you this
year. You're just going to
focus on the bad. Anyways, I like people also then try to have like a religious
thing. Like when a
Prince's backup dancers had this whole fucking religious thing that she went on
saying like, you
know, like wake up people. You know, that's, that's when you know you're out of
your fucking mind.
You know, when you start telling people to wake up, like, like you're, you're
reading the fucking,
uh, you're reading the tea leaves better than anybody else. And you're fucking,
you know,
garrison colonial, wherever the fuck you live, wake up people. He capital H is,
is taking a,
robbing us of some of our greatest artists, you know, like that's a sign. Like
all these,
these great musicians are leaving us, which means like what? Like Jesus is mad
at all the fucking
plumbers and electricians and shit. Granted, they fucking overcharge you. And
they, they,
they lie about when the date, the date of whatever's going to be done, the job's
going to be done.
Um, yeah, I don't fucking, I mean, I don't understand. I don't understand
blaming him a
fucking year, you know, dude, I just can't wait for this year to be over. And
then it's going to be
2017. I'm not going to do any work on myself. And I'll basically make the same
fucking decisions I
made in 2016, but somehow 2017 is going to be better without me having to make
any effort
whatsoever. Jesus Christ. I mean, why don't you just get out your rosary and
say all your
fucking prayers rather than fucking making a positive step towards trying to
make a real
change. Um, anyway, so I talk about that Madonna thing when she was shaking her
phone,
she was twerking with that fucking woman. Jesus Christ. I mean, unbelievable. I
just like,
I hate that she does that cause it makes me feel old, you know, I mean, she was,
she was a hot piece.
It's back in the fucking day. Um, anyway, so let's plow ahead. This is not,
this is not why I wanted to do
this thing here. Um, did you guys have a nice holiday? Did you have a nice Kwanzu?
Did you have a
nice Hanukkah? Did you have a nice Christmas? Did you? Hey, Jewish people, do
you guys like how many
of you actually, uh, when I was a kid, people who weren't Jewish told me how
you guys celebrated
Hanukkah and I realized, well, they weren't really Jewish, were they? Let me
ask you this. Do you,
do you do, how many people do the traditional thing? Is it a one day thing or
is it like a nine day
thing? How many candles are on the menorah? Is it the same as a baseball team?
And if so,
do you give fucking one gift a day for nine days, like total old school, you
know, we're baking our
own bread here type of thing, right? Do you, is that actually, is that a
religious story? Isn't that,
there's always bread. There's always bread. There's always fish. There's a
fucking leper,
you know? And then there's always the one guy, Abraham, Muhammad, or Jesus,
right? Hogging up the
whole fucking budget. Like the same way they make movies nowadays where Tom
Cruise gets all the
fucking money, right? He gets all the fucking money. And what about those
character actors?
Yeah, go fuck yourself, right? You know, back in the day, you could, you could
make a living as a
character actor. You know what I mean? Not anymore. That's not how it works.
Not in the age of, uh,
the fucking superhero movies. So anyways, let me see how many days of Hanukkah.
Why don't I,
why don't I look this up? Happy Hanukkah, happy Hanukkah. All right. How many
days in Hanukkah? There's eight days, eight days a week. All right. So it's
eight days.
Sorry. Nine guys on a baseball team, eight days of Hanukkah. Do you fucking
give a gift every,
that's the traditional way, as far as the non-Jewish people told me that they
give a gift a day. Now,
if you do that, my question, my question to you is, how do you give out those
gifts? You know,
how do you, do you, do you do it like how I do a standup set? Well, you got to
start with something
strong. You got to establish that you're the fucking man for the job, right? I
don't mean to be sexist
about that, but when you really think about it, men do a better fucking job.
Just generally speaking,
you know what I mean? Women have been nowhere near the fucking moon. Okay. And
we were there like
fucking, how many years? I don't know, fucking years ago were we, you know? Oh
Jesus. I just felt,
I just thought of one of the worst fucking jokes ever. And I will not say it,
but I will describe
it to you. Okay. I will describe it. I can't do it. I can't. The only way to
get away with it
is if Nia's here also laughing. I was going to say, you put the guys out in
space, you know,
we get all the way to the moon, you know, you try to bring a lady up there,
right? You see where I'm
going. I can't do that. It's a day after Christmas. I would not do that. Um,
anyways, eight days. So
what do you do? Do you start off with the fucking something strong, you know,
and then you establish
like, this is the level of gift giving and you gradually start your ascent
through days two,
three, four, five, six. Woo. Oh, we're going to another level of seven. Then
eight, you give me
all hands, your fucking gift. Now fuck off for a year. That's how I would do it.
If I was Jewish,
all right, me and Nia were Jewish and I had to get Nia eight gifts. All right.
What would I start
off with? I'd start off with some shoes, right? Cause bitches be loving the
Jews, right? I'd give her
the fucking some shoes. Then, uh, Jesus Christ, fucking eight gifts. And we
gotta go close.
No, you know what? I would start right out of the gate. I'd start with
something silly,
you know, like her stock and stuff for this year. Like I know, like she, you
know,
there's certain kinds of food she likes. Like one year I told her, I said, I
know I'm going to get
you for Christmas. She go, what are you getting? I'm getting you a bag of Fritos,
right? She just kept
laughing, you know, thinking it was the funniest thing ever that I wasn't
actually going to do it.
So of course the first gift I gave her, she opened it up. It was a bag of Fritos
and I gave her a big
bear hug and I was like, Oh, this is the greatest Christmas ever. And she
thought it was the funniest
fucking thing ever. So if we were Jewish, that's what I would do. I would start
off with stupid
fucking gifts because who's kidding who I'm not going fucking broke here. All
right. As a Christian,
a non-practicing Christian, I don't get my wife eight gifts a year. You know
what I mean?
Dude, you guys should do it like a game show. Okay. Do you want eight pretty
good gifts or one
fucking great one? That's like when you win the lottery. Do you want to get it
all at once or have
get paid a hundred grand over 20 years? And anybody who always takes the
payments doesn't understand
money. And also, you know, it's just like, well, don't give it to me all at
once. I'm going to blow
it. You get it all at once, even though you're in a bigger tax bracket. You
know what I mean?
It gets you over the hump into being a fucking millionaire. I don't give a fuck
how much money
you make. If they give you 200 grand a year, you're never going to get up over
the million
because they're going to fucking, they're going to tax the shit out of you.
If you take it all at once, roughly, I mean, you could do it if you just
fucking sat there
eating cornflakes and shit. But like, if you take it all at once and then you
invest it,
but you're not going to know what to do. Wasn't there a whole documentary on
that?
I have no idea. Um, but my wife fortunately liked the gifts that she gave me
this year. And you
know, it was funny. I made fun of getting socks for Christmas and she got me
socks and she was
all embarrassed. She goes, you said it on Thursday that you didn't like. It's
like, I like socks. I'm
just fucking around. That was, that was the only thing in my stocking this year.
She bought me a
little box, three pairs came in this little box. It looked like it was going to
be cookies. And I
opened it up with some Tay Baker, Tay Baker socks. And, uh, I don't give a fuck.
You know what I mean?
I said, I'm an adult. You can give me a choo-choo train. It's over. It's
fucking over. Um, so anyways,
um, okay, I'll tell you this quick story. Fortunately, Nia liked her gifts and
I always
have a little bit of anxiety whenever I give Nia gifts because, uh, the first,
my first girlfriend
I ever had, I think I told you this story before, did I, um, my first
girlfriend I ever had, I had to
get her a gift. Now I didn't grow up around the ladies. I just had brothers for
the longest fucking
time. Right. And I don't mean black people. I mean, I mean, I had like, I was
related to these
people. I had brothers. Um, so, um, this cough is never going to go away by the
way, because the
fucking prescription I got, you know, just fucking put it down on the mat and
now it's just fucking
hanging around like this thing that won't leave. I know you guys are thinking,
Oh, you must be smoking
like a chimney. I'm not, I'm not fucking smoking at all. Uh, slash I might be
done with cigars.
Um, and I'm kind of, I'm kind of done with booze too. I just can't fucking do
it anymore.
You know, I love it and all that shit, but I just hate waking up in the morning.
Like, I just, I'm, I'm over, you know what I'm over hangovers. Fuck you, 2060.
Um, yeah, I'll have like a beer. I'll, I'll have like, you know, a, like one
glass of scotch at this
point, but I can't do the fucking, uh, I can't take the ride anymore. You know
what I mean? And
it just hit me one day. Like, you know how quickly Brett Favre got old, just
bam, done over out of
the fucking league. You know, he hung around and he hung around and he hung
around. Then he took that
last fucking hit when he was on the Vikings, you know, and just looked like his
clothes were just
laying on the ground. Didn't even believe there was a person in it, you know,
and all the really
religious people got all concerned that, you know, that they got left behind.
And it's like, no,
that's what it looks like when a fucking 42 year old guy takes a hit from a
fucking defensive end.
Um, yeah, I'm fucking done with all of that shit. Um, ho