Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-16
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:15:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about user friendly slacks, silver bells and Patrick Swayze.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about user friendly slacks, silver bells and Patrick Swayze.

The Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and
Just checking in on you. How are you? I got the lovely Nia with me. Hello. What's
going on? Oh, it's Christmas, Nini. I know.
City sidewalks, pretty ladies. Everybody walking around, spending money on
people that annoy them. Take your dick out at a charger game. Rub it up and
fucking down. I feel so bad for that kid. Why? Why do you feel bad? Because I
have a dick and I know how hard it is.
You know how hard it is? No, sorry. No pun intended. He was in public. I know,
but he just looked like that kind of guy. He didn't know how to talk. Look, if
he's a fucking like, seriously, I mean, if he's fucking like. If he can't
control rubbing his dick in public. It was entrapment. They had like 12 fucking
scantily clad women and the whole thing. Entrapment. Let me ask you a question.
He was at a game. There's cheerleaders there. And how are they dressed? Oh, so
it's their fault. How are they dressed?
The way cheerleaders are always dressed? That this fucking pervert can't. Why
can't you guys ever be flattered when a man flashes you? Oh, my God. No. It's
disgusting.
A fucking woman ever just whipped her hoo-ha out because I look so good in a
fucking t-shirt. It would just fucking make my day. As long as she stayed away
from me. I mean, he was, he was doing his own thing. You know what's hilarious?
He was a fucking pervert. He was doing it in public.
You know what I loved? The way he had his arms crossed. He was like, well, I
can't see what I'm doing. That means no one else can. He had a fucking new
technique. I never tried the overhand before.
Oh, my God. No self-control. The cross overhand. That's like Olympic level jerking
off through his pants. You know? Look, everybody, you know, that's how you get
caught. You know? You fucking, you can't. He got greedy is what happened. You
know what I mean? He thought he could, you know, he thought he could do it. It
was like fucking 20,000 people staring right at him.
Yeah, but you know, okay. And look, when I'm talking about those cheerleaders,
why are they out there, Nia? Why are they really out there to stir the crowd up,
to cheer more?
To spread cheer. No, they're not. To spread cheer.
They dress them like fucking, like just shy of who is. That's what they're out
there for. They got their cleavage. They got their butt cheeks hanging out.
Everything's barely covered. Everything's all shiny.
Shiny, you know, glittery. Shiny. Oh, glittery and shit, you know? Hey, what
the fuck was he supposed to do? You know?
Not touch his dick in public. Hey. That's what he was supposed to do. Hey,
there before the grace of God go I. Okay?
Are you really trying to say that you would be in a position where you would
just be jerking off through your pants in public like that?
I have to be honest with you. I've never stood next to 12 women all dressed in
the same sparkly outfit, touching their toes in front of me,
wearing some very user-friendly slacks. So...
Action slacks, maybe. Action slacks, they were. Uh-huh.
And if you were, you're saying you wouldn't be able to control yourself?
I would say... You have to touch your dick. You have to.
If I have to take my life savings, if I have to take my life savings, there's
no way I'm betting on black slacks.
I'm not... There's no way I'm going to put it all on one thing. I don't know
what I would do. If I had a couple drinks in me, you know, who knows?
Might do the old, uh... No, who knows? No, who knows? Yeah, every guy's done
that.
Done what? Jerk off in public? Oh, absolutely. No, they have not.
At some point, they did something. They were in their car. They rubbed one out.
They did something. They were on a porch.
Well, guys are always tugging on a plane. On a plane. They went to the bathroom
and just rubbed one out.
The amount of men... I'm just saying the amount of fucking men who've done it.
Seriously?
Have you done that? Yeah, you got to understand when... Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. What's that?
Wait a minute. What's that? Are you saying that you've gone into a plane? Like
a bathroom on a plane and jerked off?
I swear to God. No, I have not done that. If you tell me that, I... What are
you going to do?
I don't know. All right then. Scold me? Yeah, scold you. Shame you. I know.
Listen, guys, I've...
The way they talk to other guys. Shit that they've done or whatever, you know?
Hey, we've all done stuff we're not proud of.
You know? Didn't Jesus say he was not fucking rubbed one out to a fucking cheerleader?
You fucking cast the first... You know what I hate is if that's the worst that
that kid does.
Okay? Which is basically all he did was completely humiliate himself. All right?
And his life is fucking over. I mean, isn't that enough?
I feel bad for him. I do. Unless he's like really a pervert and he's running
around grabbing women.
And he's ruining people's lives. Then yeah. Then, you know, put the kid down
like a rabid dog without a doubt.
But if his worst fucking... You know what I love about it is they say men can't
multitask.
There was a man clearly operating as a security person while rubbing one out.
Well, he only had one hand free. So I don't really feel like he was at his full
capacity as a security guard.
Well, a lot of security is just presence. Just people seeing you.
Seeing you with your dick in your hand.
He had his gun in his hand.
I feel bad for him.
Don't feel bad for him. Jesus Christ.
Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling ting ting ting-a-ling too.
You're acting like he's like, you know, a homeless child.
Come on and rub one out a fucking cheerleader or two.
Keep it rubbing, keep it rubbing while everyone watches.
Flyers!
Oh my God. That poor bastard.
What is this tweet that this person is Sunday making?
I don't know. Can you stay focused here?
Yes, I'm focused.
What's up?
Can I tell you my story today?
Why am I here?
I went into...
Well, you don't have to be here.
What are we watching on TV, Nia?
It's the Washington Capitals versus the Philadelphia...
Wait, no, I don't know.
You said Chargers.
I did.
I don't know.
The Philadelphia fucking Flyers!
Flyers!
This is Rivalry Wednesday.
I'm here because I can't get up off the couch.
Claude Giroux.
And I have my feet up and I'm pregnant and I'm the size of a house.
That's why I'm here.
No, you're not.
You look like an igloo more than a house.
That's what you look like.
Asshole!
Oh, it's the shootout.
What do you think of the...
Oh!
That was a nice move he had him too when he skipped off his stick.
I don't like the fly.
I don't like the gold numbers on that one.
Flyers got such a great uniform that kind of fucks it up a little bit.
You know, somebody's got to buy it.
You know, that guy who just paints his room fucking orange and white.
The biggest fan ever.
You know, you know, if you dedicate your whole bedroom, you know, painting it
your team colored,
there's no way you can judge that kid on the charges because you definitely
wear slacks and you rub one out in public.
Oh, she just fuck you.
That was a fuck you.
I don't respect you as a goaltender.
Did he even do a move?
He just stared at him.
It was like, this is going in the net bitch.
And that's exactly what the fuck happened.
Look at this.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Dee Dee.
La da.
Dee.
New.
Right there, Fred.
Fuck you.
That's one nothing in overtime.
Oh, sorry.
Two, two.
All right.
Here comes another flyer.
He comes down.
He dipsy.
Oh, a little head.
Too many fucking moves.
See what he did.
Claude Giroux.
I like the, I love the head fake in hockey.
I mean, it works in basketball and fucking, if you're a wide receiver, but as
you're gliding
in, it just never seems to work.
Oh, he stayed home.
He stayed home.
All right.
No one wants to listen to this shit.
So anyway, so I go to target today.
You literally just had your arm over your eyes.
Like it was the most torturous thing ever to listen to.
I'm exhausted.
You know, I'm fucking tired.
I'm exhausted.
Yeah.
I have friends way fatter than you and they're doing much more stuff.
I don't know what you're complaining about.
I have so few friends that are like morbidly obese.
Okay.
And they're more active than you are.
I think you're being a little dramatic.
Are they gestating life?
Hmm.
I don't know what gestating means.
Do they have another human being inside of them?
Jesus.
That was a nice goal.
Holy shit.
Taking all of their food.
What did he miss?
Sucking all of their energy.
Huh?
Do they have that?
Increasing their blood flow and their water retention and their exhaustion.
No, but they probably have a woman in their life fucking yammering at them.
That was a goal.
Why didn't the guy put the fucking number up?
I don't want to be a part of this podcast.
Oh, you don't.
No, I don't.
Cause I don't like your attitude right now.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
How about this?
You know, Nia, what you're doing right now is one of the most special things
that
has ever been done on the planet.
Granted, most of the people on the planet will do it at some point.
Cause more, most people are women, you know, and guys don't like wearing rubbers.
Sorry.
Um, all right.
So I go to target today.
Well, Jesus Christ.
Wade Simmons.
When you told me that earlier, I just couldn't even imagine you going into
target on your own
accord.
It just didn't seem like something.
I was buying you a Christmas gift from target.
Yeah.
From target.
And I couldn't find what I wanted.
Wait a minute.
Why are you buying me?
Oh, you know what?
Let me stop.
Cause I'm about to sound really.
Yeah.
You're going to sound like what you are.
Oh, I'm an asshole.
Tutu's the final score.
Well, wait, I'm fucking old.
I can't see what, what's the, uh, the overtime score.
We have to get, we have to get our eyes examined this year.
I mean, 2017, we both have to go to the optometrist.
Listen, I think we have enough activities together.
I already went to the optometrist.
Activities together.
Yeah.
It's not an activity together.
And I said, I already got, I got fucking for when I fly, I got glasses so I can
see the
radio channels.
What glasses?
I glanced down.
I got, I got the half moon things where like I'm regular.
Where?
I'm a freak.
I'm regular.
I'm a freak.
Bifocal?
Yeah.
I don't know what they are.
Yeah.
They're fucking great.
I've never seen you in these glasses.
It's cause you won't fly with me.
Yeah, baby.
Come fly with me.
I'll take you over the ocean.
I did fly with you.
And we'll see some people sitting on some surfboards as they wait for a fucking
wave.
When you fly with me.
I did fly with you.
Do you not remember?
I did fly with you over the Santa Monica pier.
I did a whole Snapchat story of it.
Yeah, but you won't go unless I'm with an instructor.
Of course.
Well, all right then.
All that does is motivate me.
Cause you're a comedian.
You're not a pilot.
You're a comedian.
That's like saying I'm a comedian.
I don't have a license to drive a car.
No, it isn't.
What do you mean?
It's the same thing.
I'm not a professional driver.
I don't drive at the Indy 500.
I don't fly for American airlines.
You get me in a Robinson 22 with the old 44.
Oh, they'll take you for a fucking ride legally.
Okay.
I don't know if I have enough hours for 44, but the 22, the two seater.
Yeah.
Listen, you can try this fucking woman thing that you guys all do.
What woman thing?
That fucking thing.
What woman thing?
That yanking on the fucking range that you guys all do.
Anytime you see a guy doing something new, you got to have that.
Hmm.
Well, he thinks he, but he's always shitting on our fucking hobbies.
That's what you guys do.
I would love for you to get a hobby.
Excuse me.
You know what I'm going to get you?
I'm going to get you.
Listen to me when I speak.
I am the man in this relationship.
I'm going to get you a wood whittling kit.
I'm not shitting on your hobbies.
I'm just saying like I would feel more secure with.
There is a person there who is a professional flying with us.
Fair enough.
Why is 