Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-17
Uploaded: 2017-01-17T02:22:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about corned beef, the drought and giving whales a voice.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-17. Transcript available. Bill rambles about corned beef, the drought and giving whales a voice.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh,
that was a good one. The lovely Nia here. Nia, give me your microphone here. I've
got to pass this through because the wires are all crossed here. Oh, I've got
the wires crossed. The wires are crossed. We're sitting here.
Is that better? Yep. Me and the lovely Nia. The reason Nia's here is we have a
huge announcement to make that as of this morning, Nia and I, Nia and I, became
two people that had corned beef hash for breakfast. Absolutely. And we are so
proud and we're so happy. And we just want to thank everybody for your support
over the last few months.
And for your thoughts during this difficult time. Baby isn't here yet, so I've
been... Not yet. I've become like a sitcom dad, just fucking hanging out at the
house, wearing my big fucking socks. Bill's got big fuzzy socks on. Yeah, they're
warm. It's his new thing. That's right.
Because it's cold in here because I get hot. Yeah. We have hardwood floors. Nia's
fucking walking around more pregnant than anybody I've ever goddamn seen. So it's
like she can be standing in Antarctica being like, can we put on the AC? I'm
over here fucking chilly willy.
So I got on my... I am. I'm so pregnant. I'm just like a human tea kettle. I am
short and stout.
You're all baby though. You're all baby. You look good to me. Thank you.
Anyways, so we're sitting out here on a rainy fucking Sunday.
It's been raining cats and dogs out here and... Did you say rainy Sunday? Did I
say Sunday? I don't know. It feels like a Sunday. It's a fucking Thursday.
Whatever.
It's pouring outside. You know what pissed me off? What? Yesterday on the news.
Some fucking idiot. Like they announced out here in California. They said the
drought is over.
Just because it rains? Well, not because it rains so much that there's flooding.
But like this shit's going to stop. And then this is going to have to last us
for like four years.
Because you know the next few... Well, how much does it have to rain for it to
no longer be a drought? That's my question.
Does just the mere fact that it's raining mean that there's... No. No.
No. The water levels in all the reservoirs, I believe, I just would guess that
they have to get to a certain level.
Because when I did my bus tour, burning my own hole in the fucking California
ozone...
Sure.
When we went by all these big reservoirs that were for, you know, drinking
water or just even people just riding boats around or whatever.
Like you could see the water line. I mean, it was like two... Like, you know, a
brownstone in New York.
Picture like two or three of those stacked on top of each other that low.
And it looked like it was a half mile across. I mean, it was fucking ridiculous.
Yeah.
It was terrifying, to be honest with you.
So evidently it's gotten up to an acceptable level.
So now everyone's going to start taking fucking long showers. You know what I
mean?
You know what kills me out here? Every time when it starts to fucking rain and
you watch all that water going down the L.A. River,
that goes all the way down to Marina del Rey, I believe, and then it just goes
out into the ocean.
It's like, why don't you capture that somehow and save it? All that runoff.
Yeah. I mean, I think environmentalists would like that to happen.
It's a very complicated process.
You know how much that would cost? Kids couldn't have books in schools anymore
if we captured the rainwater.
Yeah. If we did that, then we'd have to cut this. And I don't know. It sounds
like, it seems like it's complicated.
Maybe it's not. I don't know.
Yeah. You have, you have no energy today.
Can you hear it in my voice?
Yeah. You have like rainy day energy.
I have rainy day and pregnant as fuck energy.
Rainy day and pregnant always brings me down.
Well, why don't you just fucking have the kid? Just fucking, you know.
Oh, I wish I could. I wish I could have it right now.
Yeah. You know what? You know what's funny is, is I've been like joking about
this on stage is the level that people have been trying to, uh, every day I get
a text.
It'll say, did the kid come yet? And I'll say no.
Me too.
And then the follow-up text is, are you nervous? It's like, well, I wasn't. I
was sitting here relaxed. Like they just get you on edge. And I'm just like, it's
been this great process where I'm just like, wow, man, I always listen to
people.
I need to stop doing that because it doesn't help you. They just, they, I was
joking on stage. Like they were getting you like, you know, when you get a dog
all excited, like you want to go outside? Huh? You want to go outside? Do you
want to go outside? Like that's what they're doing to you. Like, is the baby
here? Are you nervous? Are you excited?
I know. I've been getting like three or four texts a day for like the past
three days. It's like, no, baby's not here.
Yeah. You sound like you drank some of that. What's that? What's that drank?
You sound like you're lean. Is that what the kids are doing nowadays?
With their fucking cough syrup and their Irish spring that they take a cheese
grater and they fucking Irish spring. That's one of my favorite things.
Dirty Sprite. That's what Future calls it. I like when you got all these, these
fucking people on the internet and they show you how to make it. Cause I was
sitting, you know, as a comedian, I got to know what's going on.
Oh, did you look online to see how it's made? Yeah. It's literally Sprite and
like codeine, like prescription cough syrup.
And then they take like a, someone put a Jolly Rancher or some shit in there.
But like, if you just look at the ingredients on the back of the fucking thing,
yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, I got to hand it to this generation, all these
generations, every time you think like, you know, wow, like,
like I always say in my generation, there was crack babies and I'm just like,
okay, that's it. That's the end.
That's as fucked up as you, as you're going to see like human beings do things
like, like as a parent, I wouldn't be able to be shocked.
Like you're doing what? Right. Then came meth heads, which literally look like
walking dead people.
They're not zombies, but they're not real people anymore. They have like
fucking, like when I would do gigs out in the Midwest, you know,
out Iowa and in further West into those States, you know, celebrities go to buy
a log cabin and buy a fucking pretend they own a grizzly bear outfit.
Right. You go out there and they had like those before and after pictures of
people on meth.
Yeah. Yeah. And I was just like, Holy shit. That, that made, that blew my
fucking mind. And now looking at these guys, I mean,
I guess this isn't as bad as meth, but just watching. Human beings will always
find a way to get high though.
New creative ways to get high. Like, that's just kind of how it goes. Don't you
think?
But I'm going to sound like an old man here. What was wrong with what the fuck
we did? Can't just drink a couple of beers.
I mean, what that, that fucking drink that they're drinking, that's like shit
homeless people do or like, like full on alcoholics.
And people will not fucking give you like money for booze anymore. And you just
don't have it. That, that's what they used to do.
They go and they start drinking NyQuil.
Yeah. Cause prescription and any of that stuff is really like, I don't know. I've
never drank that kind of stuff before,
but it's supposed to mimic the feel of opioids, I thought. Opioids? Opioids. Opiates,
you mean?
Oh no. Opioids is the correct. I think that's some bump on your ass. No, that's
a hemorrhoid.
I thought opiates. So that's opiates. Opiates, but opiates is also a word. It
is. I think.
Is that when you take like the Q-tip, lace with the shit and you put it in your
ass?
I don't know why you are obsessed with the ass, but no, no, there was a thing
that these kids were doing.
They was soaking something. There was, I swear to God, I swear to God, I went
down a rabbit hole, how these kids get high.
There was this fucking thing they were doing. They were taking something, a Q-tip
or something,
and they were soaking it in this shit that got you high. And then they'd stick
it in their ass because there's a thin membrane there.
Sure, I believe it. Yeah. Like how people blow coke up each other's ass and
stuff.
No.
Yeah. That's a thing.
That is not a thing.
It is.
Now, you know what? I'll go with the fucking Q-tip up the ass.
No, it totally is a thing.
Hang on a sec. That is not a fucking thing.
It is. The old coke in the ass.
Yeah, just picture what that looks like. What do you, you cup it in your hand
and then you go, spread it wider, wider and.
Yeah.
No fucking way.
You probably use like a straw to funnel it in the anus.
Really? And how well do you know this person?
Hey, dude, we've been friends for a while, right?
You know, I've seen you drink drinks.
You use a straw. I use a straw, right?
That's not really crazy, you know?
And we both have asses.
So I got this bag of coke.
Hear me out.
Just hear me out.
Just sit out.
Sit out.
Just listen.
I'm not taking my pants off.
I was just adjusting my belt.
Listen.
All right.
Coke.
This is going to be on my fucking search engine now.
Next time I go to the Apple store.
Coke up.
The ass.
Up the bum.
Up the anus.
Up the arse.
Up the arse.
So it's even in England.
I got cocaine blown up my ass so you don't have to.
What?
Oh, that's a Vice article.
Of course it is.
Okay, wait.
Anal use.
Rectal administration.
I told you.
This is drugsforum.com, so.
Don't put cocaine in your butt, people.
That's at Reddit.
Liveweek.com.
Man blows cocaine up a woman's ass.
Yeah.
Was he trying to numb it before he stuck his fatty in there?
It's like a big sex party thing.
Yeah.
So.
Okay, wait a second.
Wait a second.
Well, you don't have to.
Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Investigate it more.
Just know that it's a thing that exists.
All right.
Well, then I got to look mine up.
Well, I got to read the article here.
All right.
This is what you need.
Some sort of fucking kitchen knife.
Don't.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's not tell people how to do it.
I mean, I guess I kind of did already.
Okay, this isn't real, Nia.
When the internet was suddenly abuzz with rumors that getting a friend to blow
coke up your ass
with a straw was worth the trouble, I had to see if I'd been doing it all wrong.
After all, blow doesn't come with instructions.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Get to the fucking point.
All right.
There's not going to be a video of this, is there?
Okay, okay.
I know it's funny.
I said, hoping the conversation would cover, but I just wanted to understand
the possible
health effects on a more fundamental level.
Okay, so he called somebody, physician's viewpoint, and a very nice woman named
Kate spoke to me.
I asked her about it, and she fell silent.
He said, I know it's funny.
I said, I was hoping.
She says, it's more sad, actually.
He said, oh, yeah.
That's the word I should have used, sad.
Overall, Kate was extremely helpful and promised to contact all the gastro
seminologists.
Still, the internet had spoken.
I had to try it.
Da-da-da-da-da.
This guy, okay, I'm going to go with the pictures.
Now he's got the spoon.
He sticks it in a vial.
All right.
In the end, my high was no more significant than when I opt for the more orthodox
approach.
All right.
So people are doing it.
Because it was the other thing, the thing I was talking about.
Rave.
Let me look this up.
Rave.
Drugs.
Ass.
Search.
Somebody got their booty eaten at an American festival.
Strange happenings regarding EDM festivals.
Raves and drugs.
Strange happenings regarding EDM festivals.
Raves and drugs.
Them.
Dot, dot, dot.
Them.
And going to eat their ass.
Not really.
And not what people are thinking.
How to smuggle in gear to a concert.
Jesus Christ.
Shaking her ass at a rave party.
Wicked woman.
I don't know.
All right.
Can we move off of this topic?
This is getting weird.
Maybe it's getting weird.
We're 