Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-17
Uploaded: 2017-02-13T03:55:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-13. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-17

and he's like sitting there sipping hey what's going on what's going on it's
bill bird it's
time for the monday morning podcast for monday february 13th 2017 what's going
on how are you
how y'all how you doing over there why is it uh why is friday the 13th unlucky
and monday the 13th
oh that's just fucking fine you know who's the pussy who came up with that one
you think monday
the 13th unlucky 13 and it's monday and i got five fucking days in front of me
i have to work
friday 13 who gives a shit you stub your toe a couple of times the next thing
you know you're
at the tgi fridays right you're down there eyeballing one of the ladies you
know you come up to her you
tell her you like her striped shirt start bitching about the horrible day you
had you know she's a
woman so she'll listen to it she'll kick into that motherly instinct unless she
already has kids and
then she doesn't have time for it you know then she looks and she says listen i
ain't sucking your dick
all right so just get the fuck out of here and then you move on to something
younger it's not how it
goes why what is so fucking unlucky you know what i didn't even know i was
gonna i gotta look this up
now why is friday the 13th unlucky hang on let me hit pause for a second all
right before i can't just
looked it up i didn't read any i just got i just got to the google thing where
they got whatever it is
on the first page all right who's kidding who with the internet whatever the
fact is the fact is whatever
you look up within the first two fucking clicks on the first page becomes the
truth that's it okay so
that's what the fuck i'm looking at you know if the right answer to any
question
is fucking beyond what you have to scroll down on the first page of any subject
on of the internet
it's it's over no one's ever going to know the truth because who who the fuck
ever goes to page 14
not even journalists do that they don't give a shit um all right i'm going to
say it either has to do
with uh it's got to be religious it's got to be religious jesus did something
he always had bad fridays didn't he no he had a good friday good today's good
friday what happened
on good friday did he do the rock roll back and he came walking out you know
like one of those
fucking movies where they thought they killed the guy and he didn't and then he
comes back
except not like tom sawyer fucking creep hanging out at his own funeral
i was done with that kid once he did that show this kid's a fucking weirdo
um all right friday 13th why is it unlucky and other facts about the worst day
in the calendar
in the calendar not on the calendar we're in it we're not in it we're not on it
all right friday
13th considered by many as one of the unluckiest days of the year is almost
here again this is from
january 2017. uh oh january 13th well nothing happened to us if you're still
alive
um if you're worried about what's in store what the in 2000 here's some of the
fun facts
when is the next friday 13th no why stupid all right biblical origins all right
of course it always
goes back to the bible oh jesus dad's mad dad's coming home he's not in a good
mood he had a bad week
you know of course it's the kid's fault stupid cunt he tried to build
everything in six days
typical do-it-yourself job why didn't you farm it out to someone who knew what
the they were doing
built the thing up to code you dope
fucking sticking a steel beam in the middle of a fucking wood wall yeah
everything above it is
supported better what about below it dad what about below it
the fuck did this music come from all right let's read with this music on in
the background
the superstition about this day is not to have i can't do this it's not to have
come about
all right that's enough of that during the middle ages and many have biblical
origins some historians
have claimed it was the day on which eve bit the apple from the tree of now jesus
christ
holy that just scared the out of me near the lovely near everybody oh with my
beautiful daughter
two lovely ladies what's going on uh i thought you were done sorry no i was
watching the videos
that people sent me this week what's going on are you going to drop her off no
i can't do the podcast
the way i talk that's why i was in here with the door closed it's a pocket door
by the way if you
wonder why i just squeaked like we live in a haunted house no i just found
another i just saw another place
that uh i wanted to show you that maybe you wanted to order from yeah just
order me something remotely
healthy okay something to stave off the calories i consume in alcohol okay
would you like some sort
of like a bowl like with rice and tofu and that sort of thing i hate tofu it's
got to be a real dead
animal of vegetables okay so you want you want meat so i shouldn't order from a
vegan place then
i like i vegan as long as there's none of that tofu i don't understand what
that stuff is that's like
the type of that they seal caps with so yeah so liquid doesn't be good it's not
good for you
tofu is not good for you no are you sure you're thinking of tofu or are you
talking when tofu doesn't
come from a tree does it there's no tofu trees i thought tofu was made from
soybeans yeah but isn't soy
bad for you not always i have no let me get your phone for you i i don't know
just if you're gonna order
from a vegan place just get me vegetables that i i you know i know what i know
what it is i don't
know what tofu is it's like algae or something okay all right shuffles nia do
you
know why friday the 13th is unlucky why i don't know either i've been reading
about it here the new
in the uh they try to say that eve maybe bit the apple oh please they were in
paradise there was no calendar what do they have to worry about it's no bills
they have to go to work
you know what do they do and eat oh monday same different day it's paradise
not a salad though i also don't understand why if it was paradise why they had
a snake
in there trying to everything up it was the devil yeah but that's on god
god and the devil are two separate they're not too safe god made everything he
also made he also made the
cunt of all cunts did he not oh no but the devil was an angel that got cast out
so the devil was
basically a bad hire yes they came back and tried to take his company down all
right okay let me finish
reading this okay in the new testament um i love how they blame the woman like
that's why everything's all
up i mean without a doubt if you told the broad did not go over there and eat
the apple she's gonna be
intrigued you know like a guy wouldn't whatever you do that's the classic thing
like a substitute
teaching whatever you do don't laugh next person who laughs gets detention that's
it you're done you're
fucking squeezing your nose doing that little kid laugh that's it next thing
you know you're missing
a week of research uh recess that's why you got all these fat fucking kids the
regular teacher takes
the day off the substitute teacher creates the tension the the one skinny kid
starts laughing and
then he's done he's eating that food down the cafeteria that's got all the
preservatives in it
do you know if you fucking kill somebody and nobody figures it out you're not
in the clear for a good
40 years that's how they're digging people up from 12 years ago and then that's
like they took a
fucking nap hey i'll tell you these people they're full of preservatives you
know all right in the new
testament there were 13 people present for jesus jesus's last supper
on monday thursday monday m-a-u-n-d-y is that some other day of the week they
used to have
what do you mean the new testament that wasn't in the old testament oh wait a
minute we up
thought there was 12 this 13 the day before christ's crucifixion on good friday
oh good friday so he went out he had a couple of beers he had a good time and
the next thing you know
he got the old right there fred all right more bad luck on friday october 13th
1307 philip the fourth of
france shouldn't be uh philippe le cat um arrested hundreds of of the knights
templar
in his well what the what did they do in his novel da vinci code dan brown cites
the 14th century
execution oh who gives a fuck you know what i mean
you know something it's just it's just all bullshit that's what it is you
always knew it was i'm trying
to think of anything bad's ever happened to me on the 13th but i pay off adam
if you get bad luck today
fucking old ladies keeping that shit going that's what it is oh by the way um
really good friend of
mind and one of the best comedians i've ever seen nick de paulo the great nick
de paulo he has a new
stand-up special a new one-hour stand-up special that's debuting uh this thursday
um february 16th
at 8 8 p.m on ciso tv called inflammatory um i don't get to watch him as much
since i'm out here and
but he he is somebody last time i worked with them was a comics come home once
again legendary set and um
that's it he's just one of those guys he's just he's the guy
um he's the and he's got a new special on cso check it out thursday friday uh
thursday february 16th at
8 p.m it's called inflammatory and he also used to host a show with uh um arty
lang and now he's doing
his own podcast um to subscribe to his podcast you can go to connect pal c-o-n-n-e-c-t
pal dot com
slash nick um all right there we go so you know what you know what the fuck i
did today you know what my
dumb ass did today inside getting on the elliptical which was a good thing all
right i took my life
insurance test this guy had a problem hitting my vein he goes you're gonna bruise
a little bit you
should see me i look like uh i don't look like i've been doing smack i just
look like somebody just
pinched my inside of my elbow really hard um anyway so i did all that what a
show that was
fucking guy sitting there going do you drink at all right and like wait he's
got his back to my bar
which i told you is murderer's row the bottles i have there i told you right
now i put it up against
the 27 yankees the 96 bulls let's go some underrated teams the 83 76ers somehow
lost in history about how
great they were right the 86 celtics the 85 lakers
the 2016 new england patriots
um the 98 yankees that was a great team for the free agent they're waiting
i mean speaking of which now the red sox are doing that this year it's a good
year to get the package
no matter what you're gonna be entertained you either get to watch like a
900 million dollar team the bed or just you know there is no santa claus we're
buying it one or the
other either way it's going to be dramatic um so anyways i got a such a funny
question how many drinks
do you i don't know
do i have a pocket protector i don't count them i like you know they always
think you know what's
funny they say having a glass of wine with your meal is actually good for you
you know what i mean
so i mean i i don't i don't understand that do you smoke yeah yeah a little bit
it's lying your ass off um
oh jesus i would can you imagine if you can imagine anybody even the people who
work there if you answered
any of those questions honestly you know what i mean all right uh bruins and i
probably shouldn't be
talking about this who gives a there's a comedy podcast these are all jokes
everybody um this is
what i did today my dumb ass did today so you know i'm gonna be the person uh
presenter at the writers
guild no the the yeah the writers guild awards thing right and uh so they say
it's a black tie thing
and i'm like god i gotta get a tuxedo so i call up by the time i call up it's
too late to get one
so nia googles some pictures and everybody seems like relaxed like they're just
wearing suits with
the black tie so i say it i'll wear one of my suits so i pull out a suit i get
the shirt we do
the whole thing i got it to go and all that so today i'm dressing up you know i'm
hanging with my daughter i'm putting my time in you know because i'm gonna be
gone for three four hours
and uh nia's gonna be handling it by herself and i'm gonna go out an