Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-17
Uploaded: 2017-02-17T00:01:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-17. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you this isn't even
a podcast this is just me poking my head into your cubicle your office door
your fucking
cardboard box wherever you're living wherever you're working whatever you're
doing are you
making america great again we're gonna make it great again remember when it was
great that's
gonna happen again making america great again um what's going on how are you i'm
in a uh good mood
my my my lovely daughter has entered a new phase of just non-stop crying and um
i think she's gonna
be a rick flair fan because the only thing i could do to get her to stop was
you know those
exercise balls that uh the ladies use them you know because they're always
trying to work their glutes
and their fucking thighs because that's where they put the weight on you know
guys are always over
there doing sit-ups doing that shit right doing shit from rocky hanging upside
down oh maybe if i
hang upside down and fucking do a sit-up you know that'll offset the fucking
nine slices of pizza i'm
gonna have tonight the pizza wins okay you don't need to hang upside down you
don't even need to do
fucking you don't really even need to do sit-ups what you need to do is you
need to get some salads in
your life you got to start looking at bad food like it's some fucking chick
that you know is great in the
rack right but it's just you can't bring it home to your parents she's a
fucking lunatic that's that's what bad food is
and the food version of great in the rack is salt sugar high that's all it is
right just sends you
shit through the roof you're like yeah you know and you just keep grabbing one
fucking handful after
another there's something in the back of your in the back of your head is just
screaming no like when
you're dating a psycho why am i gonna go out to a farmer's market with this
fucking lunatic
why am i pretending that there's a relationship here
you have a bang a chick and she's got a window right behind her bed and halfway
through banging
are you like what if i just opened this and fucking crawled out
you know i'm sure women have thought that you know what i mean laying on their
backs getting
fucking railed by some sweaty fucking i don't know banker assistant and then he's
got a skylight going
what if i was like spider-man right now i could just some fucking webs and just
go right up and out of here
leave them all confused half excited on the bed that's what they need to have
in the future
everybody they're trying to have better cameras on your cell phones better
recorders
fucking i don't know something else whatever the it always has to be three
examples so you you fill
in your last one this podcast will be interactive why don't they come up with
something that when
you're with somebody right you can just you just hit a eject button like every
house has like a
like even if you're on the bottom floor you just got to stand in the right
place
and remember those old school offices where they would like send messages
around through that little
fucking vacuum thing you know you put the thing in the tube just and just
disappear and go into
somebody else's office sort of the original fucking emails they should have
that for people you know
and yeah i'm telling you i didn't like the way you talked to my sister and just
remember we have that
dance recital on saturday and you just uh huh you just walk over to the fucking
porthole and you're just
gone honey
honey honey stop it you're scaring me
honey you're still there she walks over and you're just gone then it'd be the
new thing instead of
getting dumped you got porthole what's wrong with maggie oh she got porthole
right in the middle i
think she was nagging him you know how maggie is she's very very particular and
she she i i know
i love her too i love her too but she can be hard she can be she's a lot she
she is and then that's
when the other girlfriends go she is a lot she's definitely a lot you know and
then they
clink their little glass of rose whatever it is women do in the afternoon
ladies what do you do
in the afternoon what is that little wine break you take you know like your
interest hemingway
you know that's what i want to say uh i gotta i'm gonna say something like that
at that writer's
thing on sunday just talking about how much i booze now because i sit in a
writer's room
um anyway so the only thing that keeps my my daughter quiet during this phase
that she's
going through which is awesome even though she's crying her brains out now she's
like
she's like looking at you know she's like taking it in and everything it's an
amazing thing right
so we got this exercise ball the thing that the ladies have right or maybe
someone like bill
clinton who puts on weight like a right um remember his big milky thighs
the uh is during his first semester whatever the they call it his first trimester
of being president
remember that when he'd go jogging in those short shorts um all i do anyways uh
you
sit on that exercise ball okay and you bounce up and down and the only thing
that keeps it quiet
is if i just if i when i'm bouncing up and down if i just keep going
you know and as much as it was driving me nuts as much as i was feeling my old
spine compacting every
time we went down um i held out this this glimmer of hope that maybe she's
going to be a rick flair fan
rick flair fan it's not easy to say so anyways um how was your thursday you're
almost there
to get they give you a paycheck yet that was always the best you get your
paycheck then you go
out for lunch right dude you want to get a beer we'll just have one we'll just
have one we'll just have one you know
that whole thing what the is it you know what it is it's quality of life i was
gonna say
what is it about life that you just can't you can 90 of the time you're not
doing what you want
to be doing you know if there was no i guess if there was no infrastructure or
society man we
probably only live for 30 years but just imagine for 30 years you could do
whatever the you want
but then no one would have done anything and no one would have taken the time
to make a beer factory
so then you wouldn't have a bar and then what would you do you'd just be
sitting around trying
not to get eaten by animals all right so there we go we just figured out why
you have to go to work every
week but isn't thursday exciting i think that's the point i'm trying to make
here thursdays are exciting
because they give you that piece of paper with the numbers on it and then you
write your name on the
back of it and then you go down to those crooked banker cunts you give them
that piece of paper with
the numbers on it and then they give you a piece of paper back that added more
numbers to the numbers
that were previously on that piece of paper and then you walk around
buying shit isn't that what you do i have no fucking idea that was another
thing i liked about that old
guy who smoked 12 cigars a day and he lived he's 109 he's still going like one
of the oldest world
war ii veterans out there um what i liked about him was he paid cash for
everything paid cash for everything
just completely you know i wonder if you just slipped through the cracks after
a while
if you came into this world and you just paid cash for everything and you never
went on the internet
you know somebody'd still take a selfie with you and then that would be it and
everybody like who's
this guy who's this mysterious guy that's never been on the internet and pays
cash for everything
you know all the advertising world would be all obsessed we don't know what
kind of toothpaste he
uses we can't have that it starts fucking spying on him with like a drone and
shit um i don't know
what's going on here i just had a bowl of cereal maybe that's what it is i
thought it was a healthy
bowl do you guys like the checks family of cereals i'm big on the checks
families speaking of which so
many cereals have just disappeared when my wife was pregnant when she was preggers
oh my god you look
so cute um when she was pregnant um she was requesting all these fucking cereals
you know from back in the day for some reason i'm thinking it'd be the ending
of star trek right now
she wanted alpha bits they don't make those anymore some somehow you can go to
target
you know but that involves that involves like you know going to a mall it's one
of those anchor stores
you know which is the goal of anybody with a small business someday i'm going
to be an anchor store
at a mall then then i'll be happy right and you got to deal with the parking
garage and then you like
following somebody like a serial killer as they're trying to get back to their
fucking car
and then they get in there and they start checking the text messages and the
person behind you starts
beeping and it just becomes like you know what it just becomes one of those
things where you just have
to be like you know what fuck this cereal fuck alpha bits fuck boo berry count
chocula frankenberry
sugar corn smacks honeycomb fuck all of these cereals i don't know where they
are anymore
you know what they're like they're like old music acts that play casinos you
know what i mean like
lover boy there's somewhere right now this weekend and they're gonna sing
everybody's working for the
weekend right there somewhere do do do do do do do do everybody needs a second
chance yeah
you want a piece of my heart tell me that lead singer didn't kind of look like
dan marino back in the day
um anyways that's what like old cereal is like they're on the casino tour they're
not in like
grocery stores as far as cereal goes food in general when you're in all the
grocery stores that's you're
at the height of your career right you're bruno mars you're doing the prince
thing at the grammys
right and then somewhere you know but you're on the you're right at the mid-level
shelf
you're headlining maybe even the top shelf but right at eyeball level whatever
average height is you're
right there sandwiched between the czech cereals of uh czech family of cereals
and then you got the
cornflakes on the other side you're right there your big stupid face and
whatever
sugary horse you're selling to the public right and then somewhere along the
line it just you know
you run out of hits you collaborate with the wrong people people's palates
change and then you get
you get you get pushed out you know you start going to those places where you
know you can only
get them in certain cities you're only in target like michelo um michelo light
michelo light the only
place i've been able to buy that was in the city of new orleans once michelo
ultra came along it just
completely over michelo blight i don't know where it went it's the first beer i
ever got drunk on i love
that beer i love me some michelo black and um i don't know i don't know what
the i'm talking about
i was just asking if you guys would like to check cereals you know i didn't
want to do a whole 80s
comedy routine on cereal did i you know oh let's keep going then you got wheaties
wheaties is like the
frank sinatra you know like the rat pack like they're never going away they're
timeless classics
you know fly me to the moon eat this that's really not good for you bruce jenner
didn't
eat this that's not why he won the gold medal um in other words he's a whore um
anyways you got
wheaties what are the classics grape nuts they're hanging in there they're on
the bottom shelf grape
nuts is bottom shelf you know they're still there they're still playing the you
know
they're playing the big rooms but not the a rooms you know what's another one
that's hung around for
a long time breaking up flakes sort of the billy carter of the great nut family
all right i'm done
with this fucking shit anyways let's let's talk about what's really important
out there nick de paulo
one of the greatest comics i've ever seen his new special is on right now
on cso