Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-17
Uploaded: 2017-02-20T19:29:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-20. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, February 20th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? I am recording
off of my laptop if this sounds a little bizarre. I'm in New York City, came in
town to do the Patrice O'Neill Benefit, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill Benefit.
That's going to be going down tomorrow night at the New York City Center. And
it should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged. I took a
fucking red eye last night and there was this lady. You know what's hilarious?
It's when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when
you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not
hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit,
I'm going to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get on the plane and
this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby and it
was crying.
And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring. And I just started
laughing. And the poor woman, like she was traveling alone with this baby,
right? And it was a baby too, maybe a little bit older than mine. I don't know.
This is my first kid, so I can't judge. I don't know if this kid was two, three
months.
I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby
had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby was just
hanging around and, um, you know, that guy wanted to like bang the chick.
And he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weirding
me out, which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his
dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking,
yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that, you know, I probably shouldn't have
trashed that old baby.
That was the name of a band I used to play in. Old baby. And, uh, you know, we
got, we got a record contract and everything, but, uh, you know, lead singer
got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Um, anyway,
so the baby's fucking crying and the poor woman, like she falls asleep and the
baby's like freaking out screaming and she can't hear it because she's like,
she's fucking exhausted.
She's got a baby and she's flying with it. So, and I'm sitting there and I'm
watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding
it anymore.
So now it's like this situation, like, is this, is this lady going to drop that
fucking baby? So I'm staring over there. I'm sure other people will look at me
thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying, but I wasn't.
I was just, I don't know what the fuck I thought I was going to do.
Cause I still had my seatbelt on my safety first, then a baby's see that. That's
why I'll never be a hero. Cause what a true hero does is he sees danger and
without any sort of self and he's, and he's safe.
You know what I mean? That's to me as a hero, like if you're, if you're in a
fucking bank, right.
And these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place and they said, we're
going to blow everybody's fucking brains up.
And then you act on that. You're not really a hero to me. Okay.
Because at no point in that scenario, were you safe. All right. You were
immediately in the situation. So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many
fucking people you saved at the end of the day, you were motivated to save your
own ass and everybody else getting saved along with you is, uh, you know, it's
just collateral damage.
I mean, it's positive, but if you're outside the bank, you're like, holy shit,
I'm out here. I'm eating a bacon, bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, you know,
getting ready to go for a run, you know, fuel myself up.
You're stretching your fucking hammies and all of a sudden you see, you, I don't
know, you look at one of those fucking giant bank windows, you see a robbery
going down and then you go in there with your Larry Bird short shorts, right.
And fucking try to stop the rob. Then to me, yeah, that's like, you know what I
mean? You know, there's like the hall of fame. And then there's also, you know,
people who literally have like their own wing of a hall of fame.
Yeah. To me, that's like, you know, that's when you get your own way. But if
you're already in the ship, I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about,
to be honest with you. Yeah. Okay. Not a hero. Right. So I finally sort of flagged
down the stewardess and she goes, yes. You know, what can I get you? And I said,
I think, what, how the fuck did I say? I said, oh, I said, can that baby fall?
And she started laughing because she thought I was being sarcastic. Like I was
upset with the baby crying. And she thought I meant like, can that baby fall on
the ground and shut the fuck up? And she was like taken aback. But she also
laughed, which to me immediately made her really cool that she could laugh
thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby
please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get
some sleep.
And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I was I'm concerned that it's
going to fall. So she kind of went over there to make sure the baby was all
right. But I don't know. I'm a changed man. My urge was to go over and hold the
baby.
What's happened to me? I'm becoming a fucking softy. You know, I actually, you
know, I told you before, I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes because
I always felt they were they were just expressing exactly what I was feeling.
There's no way to get on an airplane. And at some point, you know, unless you're
going on some fucking great vacation.
But if you're getting on there and, you know, you're going back to see the
relatives or some business trip or something like that, you know, and you just
see some wide body coming down the fucking aisle and you're praying to God, the
person's not going to sit next to you.
But, you know, they got to, you know, something's going to fucking happen.
It'd probably be really good for you for your life expectancy if you had access
to your emotions that you could just break down crying.
God, I would love to. Imagine you got up on a fucking plane and there was just
the 300 adults in there just crying like babies.
Yeah, it'd probably be a nightmare, but there's a part of me would think that
that was awesome.
Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
So I I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way.
I actually yesterday I did.
I presented at a Hollywood Awards show.
Oh, Freckles, the big fucking phony himself.
Went all Hollywood.
Rented a tuxedo.
Shout out to Mr. Tux on Wilshire Boulevard.
I wasn't going to say, yeah, I had to had to do the present thing and I just
sort of wrote something.
And I.
Quickly, when I got to the writer's guilt thing, I immediately was like, wow, I
should have not just written what I'm going to say once.
I should have gone over this a bunch of times.
So I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head.
And, you know, I thought it was just going to be a bunch of writers, but there
was some like actors there and shit like Denzel was there.
And who's the other guy there, James Woods.
It was like, I don't know.
There was like serious fucking people there.
The thing was, when you go up in front of a bunch of writers, like no matter
what they've accomplished, you don't know what they look like.
So you can't get nervous.
Like someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best
picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row or nine years.
I know what they look like, but whatever.
You know, they could accomplish shit like that.
You have no fucking idea.
Like for the whole night, they were just pulling people out of the crowd.
And I would be sitting there going, I don't know who this guy is.
And then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, Jesus Christ.
So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, like, I don't know, I just
felt like the pressure was getting more and more.
And I just kept muttering to myself, this is it.
This is it.
One and done.
I'm never doing one of these fucking things again.
This is not my thing.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
This is stupid.
These people are smart.
They're accomplished.
Like, like the shit that, you know, some of the fucking people in the crowd,
the stuff that they do, you know, what it takes to write a movie and actually
get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill.
As opposed to me who just, hey, here's a shit joke.
I think I'll try this, you know, as I'm riding over on the subway to a club.
I don't know, it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and Patton Oswalt
hosted it, fucking murdered.
His monologue was great.
His monologue was so great, I kind of forgot that I had to go up.
I was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it.
Fred Armisen was there and he went out and somehow gave his credit card
information.
That's what he did before he said the nominees.
And somehow he made that fucking hilarious.
And once again, it just made me feel like, why am I here?
I shouldn't be here.
So I'm finally waiting to go up.
And James Woods is giving some sort of lifetime achievement award to Oliver
Stone.
Thank God this shit wasn't televised.
Which is also fucking, somebody made a reference to that.
Like nobody works fucking harder than those guys and they won't even put it on
TV because nobody knows what they look like, I guess.
So he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for
35 years and I have to go on after this shit.
And I just, yeah, that's why I just kept thinking.
I just kept, I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day
when I would do nooners, which is a stand-up expression for, basically you're
doing a college gig.
And the show is essentially at 12 noon or 1 in the afternoon.
It's usually in a cafeteria and it is a fucking nightmare.
You go up there and you have to do an hour.
You have to stand in front of, you have to stand in public in a fucking college
cafeteria in front of like God knows how many, three, four, five, 600 fucking
college students.
Who have no idea that there's going to be any sort of performance.
Forget about a comedy show.
And, um, like the, the level of just fucking like, I don't even, I think it's
like, it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those.
Like you just get so walled off.
You just, you just accept it.
You're like, okay, my life is going to suck.
Like it's never sucked.
Um, starting in about three minutes.
However, in an hour and three minutes, I'm going to be back in my rental car
and I'm never going to see these fucking people again.
That's what, that's what I, that's the mindset I used to go into.
I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard
can I commit to these jokes?
How big of an ass can I make of myself?
And just to try to not give into the horror slash negative vibe of the
situation.
Because if you did that, I learned the hard way you were going to burn through
an hour of material in like 17 minutes and you were going to be angry.
And, um, your agent was going to get a call.
Um, so anyways, James Woods is going on and on and on.
He brings up fucking, I don't mean that in a bad way.
It's just that, um, Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things and Oliver
Stone goes up there.
And after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all
the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done.
And he said, during all of our history of doing this, there's been both
Democrats and Republicans holding the office of president.
I thought I should have got more of an applause break, but, um, you know, I don't
know.
The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit.
At some point, it's like, we get it.
Hollywood does not like Trump.
Having said that, this fucking guy went on stag