Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-17
Uploaded: 2017-02-27T21:21:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-27. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
february 27th 2017 what's going on how are you how's it going sorry the podcast
is a little bit
late this week um you know the fucking checkout was you know 10 a.m at this
place i was staying at
and i thought i could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave
at noon that's what
i thought you know i'm sorry am i still in america checkout time is maybe 11
where the fuck is it 10
a.m the fuck is trump not president anymore i mean i thought this was something
that he thought he
thought he was going to make it great again make it great again have me check
out at one in the
fucking afternoon once you sign an executive order order for that you orange-headed
cunt how about that
this podcast it's not funny it's sad it's a lonely man by himself um sorry for
the bad trump
impression um anyways i am in gainesville florida right now and you're probably
wondering bill what
the fuck are you doing in gainesville florida home of the florida gators you
know you're on there
you're there on a fucking monday and it's not football season why are you here
it's uh because i have to do
the makeup date for the show that i was going to do back in november when i was
going to go to the
florida gators game down there at the fucking swamp i was going to do that and
go to the uh florida
gator lsu game and um that game uh got rained out whatever they had a fucking
hurricane and everybody
freaked out because jacksonville was going to get the shit kicked out of them
game gainesville was you know as far as i'm concerned was safe
you know with my complete lack of a meteorological background is that the right
word i don't know
so i'm back here i'm back here you know in february
when nothing's going on oh shit what about their team what if their fucking
team has a
basketball team has a game tonight maybe that's maybe that's what's going on i
don't fucking know
anyways um i'm here in fucking day uh gainesville uh had a great time this
whole weekend being out
there in uh daytona daytona beach florida and uh jesus christ dude some of the
fucking locals in
daytona your heart just goes out to them you know what i mean it's just these
these all these it's all
those people that that people in hollywood trash you know what i mean it's just
a bunch you know a lot
of fucking white people that are just jesus life is just fucking kick the shit
out of them not saying
everybody but i'm just saying i fucking came into town i'm fucking walking down
the street the first
night i got video of this i'm walking there's like a fight about ready to break
out outside of a pizza
joint and everybody there is like my age except they look my age you know what
i mean they might have a
better hairline which isn't hard with me but they're just fucking fat
fucking big fat fucking uh what's that prilosex shit that people eat that was
it called
that shit larry the cable guy talks about right he goes fucking prilosex atc
when you fucking go out
and you eat a whole fucking pig and your stomach's like what the fuck did you
just do to me
rather than not eating a whole fucking pig again you can take this shit and it'll
make it feel like
eating a whole pig yourself is okay that shit they had those bodies a lot of
cargo shorts that were
just frayed at the bottom a lot of bad tattoos a lot of fucking people that
look like even if they
weren't on drugs you know when people do drugs for so fucking long there's only
so coherent that you can get
back to we went to this fucking restaurant right on the strip and uh this
fucking lady jesus christ
if she wasn't high she just done she had just done so many fucking drugs she
brought the fucking wings
over right and they were like i'm they weren't ice cold they were room
temperature which is fucking ice
cold and i'm like yeah uh and i hate sending food back we're sitting in this
fucking restaurant right
and we're sitting in uh it's like basically a nascar because we're there to go
to the daytona 500 the
next day right it's like a nascar that they cut in half and put a booth in the
in the middle of it
um or some shit i don't know what the fuck it is and we looked up later and
evidently this was the worst restaurant
me and nate ended up going to this fucking thing ended up being the worst
restaurant
it wasn't bad i ordered the fucking it looked shady
and the music they were playing they were playing like zz top she's got legs
they played george thorogood twice uh they played yes owner of a lonely heart i
was just sitting there
it felt like it was 1985 i was joking on stage that night i was waiting for
fucking marty mcfly to
come walking in keyword there fly and um there was just some guy walking around
sort of mouthing the
words to this joy and it wasn't even a good george thorogood song it wasn't bad
to the bone or uh
that whatever that fucking whisk one whiskey one scotch or one beer wasn't that
one
it was that uh the that cover my back door now my bitch don't come no more
moving on over
rocking on over it's just sitting there going oh my god um the waitress fucked
up every possible way
she could have fucked up other than just blowing her nose into the bread i mean
other than that she
every fucking thing you could do she fucked up it was hilarious i felt bad for
her i could see you
know she just you know we all do it we all do it in my business we stay out
there too long madonna did
it you know she's still twerking she's like 60 it's like madonna for the love
of fucking god
can you dress your age okay can you have a shred of fucking decency for
yourself
so that people can just in a general sense look in your your your direction you
know what i mean
there was a bunch of guys down on daytona beach dressing the way madonna was
dressing there was a
bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops where your arms have no
muscle definition anymore
it's just it looks like you know what it looks like it looks like you know when
somebody has like cankles
you know that part of the leg where it just you know there's no shape to the
calf that's what the
arm looks like and it's all fucking flabby and just these awful horrific
fucking tattoos
um just shit you pick off a wall
somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm and so she comes over
by the way when you go into a place like that because once i sit down i'm not
leaving
just go with the grilled cheese you get a grilled cheese sandwich and what can
they do you know what
i mean fucking nate ordered a hamburger and i was just like all right dude you
know but if you get
fucking ebola i mean i don't want to hear you bitching about it or whatever
equal lie whatever
you get i knew it was something with an e so she comes over and she's just like
hey well it was
like one in the afternoon the sun just fucking blazing through the windows she's
just like hey welcome
i'm gonna be your waitress for this this evening evening and she caught herself
saying evening and she
just fucking plowed forward uh you know you got specials here you have i said
it was like listening
it was like literally like listening to a cell phone going in and out right and
um she brings the
fucking orders over and she kept going how how's your meat i've never heard
anybody say that i ordered a
burger and the wings i got a little dangerous with the fucking wings and i had
the grilled cheese
sandwich i think it was just too much for a blown out brain to try to remember
what kind of protein
we ordered so she just kept coming over going how's the meat she came over she
gave me the burger she
gave nate the grilled cheese sandwich we had to swing that thing around the
chicken was stone cold
and she just she started to like turn sideways when she up the order and she
was
like almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder she's like i'm sorry i'll
have the manager take it
off and really apologize and she disappears and comes back two seconds later
which was a big thing in
daytona ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes and it
returned in like two seconds
it was very disturbing because the first night when we saw those old guys with
the flabby arms
pushing each other outside that pizza parlor um well let me i'll take you
through the whole
show we went into this place that we thought was a hooters a hooters and i'm
like i'm not eating in
here any place that that is sort of in the sex industry it's got one foot in
the sex industry i'm
not ordering food in so i went in there and got a beer and we walked in and the
chicks didn't have hooters
but they all had asses and they had shorts like up their ass like half their
ass was hanging out
and it was just you know it was a show and we're trying to figure it out we're
like going what the
what the kind of hooters is is hooters finally admitting that hip-hop went
mainstream
about 25 years ago and now they're focusing on asses and um it wasn't until the
next day we
walked out we realized it wasn't a hooters it was some wings joint and uh i
think they're going
to put hooters out of business because i don't think people care about titties
anymore you know
what i mean plus you can have a nice rack and like you your ass can be as flat
as a goddamn
fucking desk a desktop right you know what i mean so then then what do you get
then you just got you
got like a pair of tits you know what are you gonna do with that i love an ass
and you can't have a
nice ass and be out of shape it just doesn't work that is the nucleus of the
body if that's in
shape then everything else is fine you can have a pair of tits on you you know
what i mean and it
can just be a show when you go south you know what i mean that's like you know
guys when they
they keep lifting weights you know and they just keep trying to keep their
chest out in front of
their beer belly and they keep pushing the jeans down further and further so
they still have their
32-inch jeans you know by the way i think white people were the first one to
wear saggy jeans
you know i think we were the first ones to do it and that was with the guys who
just refused to buy
a 34 inch than a 36 38 inch waist they just kept pushing it down and letting
their stomach come out
over the top so anyways she's like hiding behind her shoulder going i'm sorry i
haven't managed to
take it out so she uh oh no i know i remember what i was trying to say yeah how
quickly the food came so
the night before we went out after we left the uh the bar where these girls had
to walk around with
half of their ass is hanging out um and now that i'm a dad it was even worse i
just kept thinking
what if my daughter ends up working this is for what i i wanted to meet the
father of all these
guys and be like what did you do that had them end up here so i don't do it so
my daughter doesn't end
up here so we go down the street and uh we go to this other bar they're like
they got a biker bar
down there because you know daytona has that crazy biker week and some out here
and i'm just
like all right i am not a biker and i'm not gonna go in there and get you know
i don't know a pool cue
shoved in my ear i don't need this right so we go to this other bar it's sort
of a sports bar we walk
in everything's cool so i ordered some food i go let me get the uh what's what's
the raw tuna it's not
sashimi is a tuna tartar tartar is that what i ordered you know in you know
this sports bar why
would you why would you order raw fish in a place like that it's nuts but i did
and i ordered chips
and salsa and i swear to god this woman walked into the kitchen they had the in
in the outdoor you know
the swinging doors she walked in there and the door went poop it poop it poop
it poop it and then she came
walking right back out and with the food like too like disturbingly like it
came back so fast the
look on my face nate was crying laughing and uh all i can say about the food is
you shouldn't have to chew
raw tuna it should be like butter like melts in your mouth kin