Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-02T21:01:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-02. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon monday
morning podcast just
before friday and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on you
seeing how your week's
going oh it's thursday you know somebody gave me shit the other day fucking
talking about how uh
you know i always say thursday it's payday like oh what kind of fucking job did
you have well you
got i always got paid on friday i always got paid on thursday whatever so you're
either getting your
money today or you're getting it tomorrow right we all know you're gonna be
broke by tuesday
right wednesday walking around you know with your brown bag you gotta bring a
fucking lunch because
you got no money for fucking to go out to the roach coach hey you packed the
lunch yeah you know i'm
trying to eat healthy you're broke aren't you yeah um i can't believe the
fucking money i used to blow
when i was a kid i used to make 260 bucks a week right my only expense i had i
had a car payment
138 138 dollars and 62 cents i still remember it and uh that was it and gas i
was making 260 bucks
that was that was my take home 260 bucks a week right so what's that 860 times
4 is 240 i was making
over a grand a month and i'd be fucking broke every wednesday fucking idiom i i
swear to god
if i was a miser i might as well have been a miser that's what the fuck i
should have done
it's not like i was going out in the clubs and crushing it coming out with my
fucking orange afro
hey ladies
i mean it was a shit show it was charlie brown trying to kick the football it
was like atlanta
trying to win a championship oh come on bill come on the new cleveland ladies
and gentlemen
all of a sudden cleveland wins a fucking basketball championship and the entire
countries and the
cubs won how nervous were you down there in atlanta you know what i mean atlanta
i can't even say it
this morning atlanta atlanta how how fucking nervous were you cleveland wins
you're like oh shit
all we got left's the cubs you know maybe if the indians win then they win two
champions cleveland
wins two championships in a year the cubs are still the fucking sad sacks at
like 108 years or whatever
and then bam they win three in a row the cubs win it and the entire sporting
world just stops
turns around and stares at atlanta quivering over in the corner like yeah hey
guys
you know for the record the braves won it 95
it's got to count for something right
oh those poor bastards you know i just connected in uh i connected in uh where
the fuck was i in um
in atlanta and i saw this woman walking by and she had on a falcons hat and i
was like you know what
good for her there's a real fan still wearing the atlanta shit right and it was
a red hat
but then i also noticed that she was wearing red sneakers you know what i mean
and then she was
also african-american and i was just and i just assumed she didn't give a fuck
i learned that from
patrice o'neill the first time i saw him with like an islanders hat on right i
was like oh fuck man you
like the islanders he was like what i go you like the islanders and he took off
his hat and looked at
he goes nah man i don't give a shit i go he goes i just like the colors he had
these pair of fucking
islanders covered colored sneakers on he told me he said bill black people don't
give a fuck about i
mean i'm not saying generally you know here we go the white guy i gotta fucking
make sure i fucking
say this correctly he was saying generally speaking we wear this shit because
of colors it's not you know
and he joked he just fucking yeah he trashed me all the fucking time so anyway
so i looked at her and i
did that patrice conversation just popped into my fucking head and i was just
like ah she probably
just probably just needed a hat to go with those fucking shoes
as opposed to white people we're with the same fucking hat forever it's all frayed
and shit
walking around with your cargo pants and your flip-flops i don't think i'll
ever get over
fucking northern florida i know i've heard a zillion jokes about it but jesus
fucking christ
jesus fucking christ there are some characters out there
and what's amazing is it's absolutely gorgeous and then there's people with
like beautiful homes
and money but they're they're i swear to god is it me there's no middle class
it's like when you go to a third world country it's just like there's just
fucking people living in
this crazy poverty and then they'll just be this mansion
i don't know anyway well you know probably didn't help that i fucking went to
the daytona 500
bunch of yahoos like me and by the way i fit right in i fucking fit right in i'm
i'm you know
i don't know i should be more white collar but uh due to some financial reasons
i had a very fucking
i'm pretty much uh put it this way i it wasn't until i hung up with a bunch of
patrice stories here
i wasn't until i hung up with patrice that i realized that macaroni and cheese
wasn't a main dish
we used to have all of that shit macaroni and cheese with toast was a meal and
i loved it get half a tray
just scooping that out was the craft i've told you talk to you guys about this
chicken a la king
on toast chip beef on toast i hated that shit chicken a la king was also gross
um those are yeah you know your mother's working she comes home she's got 90
kids opens up a couple of
cans throws it in a pot and makes some toast yeah eat it up you animals
um anyways chef boyard d
you know when i think back this is important we didn't know anything about
nutrition back then
tv we were never really big on the tv dinners and i remember i used to ask my
mother to get them i think
they there was something i don't know what the was called hungry jacks or some
something that had jack in it it sounded manly you know the commercial was all
you know big chunks of
turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes and i was sitting there going that looks
that looks delicious
i don't know we just never we never we weren't we never we didn't we didn't
cross that line with the
fast food you know i remember steak comes those were my favorites i'd be
sitting and i would be sitting
not paying attention in the last three periods of school when i was in uh
middle school junior high
whatever the you call just thinking about the steak that i was gonna make when
i got home that's all i
gave up that was that was a game changer you know kid from the 70s 80s you know
you came home your parents
weren't home right latchkey kid you come home the game changer was when you
went from making something
just room temperature or cold to actually getting the you know the next level
it's like moving up in
like uh you know army ranks or scientology or whatever where you get to a new
level of security clearance
okay you can use the frying pan and all of a sudden you had a hot meal
i used to cook those up put them on white bread and then you had to eat it real
quick because
the grease there was so much grease from whatever cut of meat was it squirrel i
didn't know what the
it was it was such a cut of meat that the grease would just be coming through
the bread it was it was
gross push put ketchup on it and sorry if i'm grossing you out let me get off
the subject um
oh i gotta i gotta address all the who and whom police oh my god that's like a
whole cult within
itself the level of arrogance that people came and the joy that they had that i
that i'm not good at
who and whom you would think that you could actually make money off of that
like they had a hot stock tip
or some shit hey this company's gonna go public you didn't hear it from me this
is one thing that i
learned i think i finally figured out because people told me this trick before
it's like if you can
substitute he or she use who you know him or her use whom so i'm like to whom
do i have the pleasure of
speaking to and i'm like to him i have the pleasure of speaking with i wouldn't
say that that that
sentence doesn't work to she do i have the pleasure of speaking with
i'm like i don't get it but then it's like no who are you speaking to
you would say to him to her then i was like oh that's what they mean i thought
i thought you just
meant take out who or whom and plug in he or she
who did this shit he did this shit i get it i think i just got it i think i
finally cracked the
code but here's the deal with who and what's the deal with who and who here's
the deal with that
nobody says whom out loud unless you're teaching an english class no one says
that
right it's always who who the do i you know it's not to whom am i speaking with
say who the am i talking
to who the are you
to whom am i speaking with
you're speaking to him that's why you said whom oh all right thanks jerry
nobody says it out loud but it's one of those things if you if you don't write
it correctly
you know if you people flip the out and they judge you like you're a moron but
i've never heard anybody
you know that's that's another one that's that's another like security level
you go past
if you start out loud using the not not writing okay speaking and you use the
word whom
like you've alienated probably 80 percent of the population of my country
and i don't think that there's a bigger example of the gap between wealth and
regular people
than using whom in public i always picture that like
no you know something even that you know because there's people that rob and
steal their way into
the upper one percent and then they're just a dope like me still
but if you're born if you're born into that if you've got some trust fund
hanging
over your head if you're one of those kids and you have to learn how to fence
take a fencing class in college to show that you're a gentleman you know
do you walk around with your date rape drug in your pocket because your dad
knows a judge and can
get you off and you wear loafers with no socks right there's a bunch of
stereotypes um
oh speaking of that me and nia got this fucking monster debate last night
she taped this show she goes she goes hey i taped this show it's about rappers
in paris
you know you ought to check this out so i was like all right i'm gonna watch
this shit right
so immediately they're showing these guys and they're rapping in french i don't
know what they're
saying so you know i'm trying to read the words i'm a dope it's going by too
fast but it sounds a lot like
you know it's the same sort of point of view as a lot of rappers over here
which i am in a the minority
group i'm getting treated like i'm living in the shittiest part of the city a
lot of
that stuff right but it's flying by because i can't read fast enough so they
got this nerdy
white kid goes to interview this dude um who's muslim and he's living in some
part in paris
right and he's talking about all of this stuff that's happening to him now
right and uh no the
first thing he talked about he said that he was talking about how um he said
thank god that he found
you know rap and he did that because you know he could have gone the other way
he said i could have
become a bomb that's what he said so the white dude goes like oh you mean like
you know you would have
blown some people up or something like that and then the dude's basically like
i knew you were gonna
take it that way that's not how i meant it that's really offensive and i you
know and he's speaking
through an interpreter tell him if he's gonna come down here and talk to people
he needs to check
the way he's talking to people blah blah and i'm just sitting there going like
you totally set
him up for that that was like entrapment what do you think he's gonna think
so nia goes well he's not doing that so you know he gets judged because of
those actions of the few
of the few and it's just like i understand that i totally understand that but
at some point you have
to address the elephant in the room don't you you know like when people like
when i travel outside
of this country and people treat me like because i'm an american i don't act
like that just fell
out of the sky i know where that's coming