Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-06T19:14:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-06. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
march 6 2017 what's going on everybody i am in phoenix arizona um isn't that
exciting phoenix
arizona um it actually is man i'm psyched i'm working at stand up live doing
two shows tonight
two shows tuesday two shows wednesday i'm um you know putting together my new
hour and everything
and i got a bunch of i've actually been listening to my act i always you know
when i'm putting
together a new hour oh i always record i just never listen well now i'm finally
listening to
my act i figured it out when i can do it because i who the wants to sit there
and listen to yourself
what i'm doing is um uh i listen to it on the car ride home you know if i had a
decent set if i had
a shitty set what's the point you know what i mean it's kind of like if you're
always taping your
your team right but you only watch if they win you know i know people who do
that they like
know what the happens before they watch it and if they lose they just don't
even watch
so i've actually been watching and that type of and uh speaking of which your
team winning and losing
olav freckles came in uh last night and i went to the phoenix suns were playing
my boston celtics
so i decide you know what i'm gonna go to that game right my 117th franchise
professional home
team i've whatever professional sports team that i've seen a home game of 100
and 17 of these
i got 10 more to go i can't get out any 10. every time i get to 10 and i'm like
oh one more team
i'll then i'll have nine left and somebody moves you know i got down to 10 i'm
like all right the next one's gonna get me down to nine and then the ram the rams
move back up to 11.
right so then i go see the thunder and i'm thinking all right look man i'm down
i'm down
to fucking i'm down to nine and i'm like wait a minute wait a minute i saw the
new jersey nets
i never saw the brooklyn nets so it's still 10. so i'm like all right next week
next week when i go
see the suns i'll be down to nine teams left right so i'm sitting there
watching the suns and i'm like
versley i'm down to single digits the fan slam is going down one of the loneliest
accomplishments ever
i guess if you went with a bunch of other people i got to find the old pictures
of me
at these stadiums i swear to god they're all like disposable camera pictures
held by a stranger um
you know when i was doing all these gigs in the middle of nowhere and and i'd
pass through the major
cities and i would just go to a goddamn game anyways so last night i'm thinking
all right i'm going to
the sun celtics game i'll have nine teams left and i'm like wait a minute the
charges just moved
to los angeles so in a month i'm working in san antonio and i'm going to a spurs
game
going to the spurs and then i think i'll finally be down to nine you know god
forbid if the raiders
don't move to vegas after that um but anyways i uh i went to the sun's game
right so i show up
immediately um the club hooked us up with tickets gave us great tickets we're
sitting two rows behind
the one one of the uh what do you call it in basketball one of the nets one of
the goals
one of the backboards right two two rows back so it's really three rows back
because they got all
the camera man you know but still it's like great seats and i look down on the
right there's this guy
just riding the reps in the in the first quarter and he really gives a so i'm
looking at versa and i'm just looking over going look at this guy's out of his
mind
there's a guy who gives a this is a hardcore season ticket holder man look how
much i'm
laughing like he's just like he knows the refs names he's calling him out and
all that
and first he starts going he goes i bet that's the owner i'm like nah i mean
the owner wouldn't
be sitting down he wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner and he's
like well mark cuban
rides the refs like that get the out of here so finally you know i go all right
man i'm going to
look this guy up right so we we look him up and it's the owner
i gotta tell you phoenix suns dude you guys got a great owner uh robert sarver
is his name man
we ended up talking to him at the end of the game because i tweeted uh i was
making fun of um
what's his face his shoes his sneakers the worst sneakers i've ever ever seen
um kelly olenic the big white goof the seven foot pylon out there right i i don't
i you know celtics
love that guy you got so many goddamn minutes maybe it's a road trip or
whatever but dude this he had
these sneakers on i i think garrow your premium wore him into that super bowl
against the redskins
when he up the field goal dude they were like they looked like black football
cleats from the early
70s the ugliest things i've ever seen so of course i tweet about that's what i
did so i tweeted about
the thing and i guess the owner's son was watching he goes oh he's probably
sitting right next to you
blah blah blah that's how i didn't mean the guy but anyways long story short so
i tweet about this
things making fun of the guy's sneakers thinking obviously these have to be the
worst sneakers
without a doubt even with the internet even with twitter even with all of these
cunts that are on social media nobody can argue that these are the ugliest
sneakers ever right
they were low top field goal kicker cleats from the early 70s right and all
these sneaker heads are like
you mean you mean you mean the kobe 11s i guess it's a kobe bryant sneaker and
and what because it
says kobe on it all of a sudden it's the kobe's dude do you mean the shack 14s
i hate sneaker heads
i can't stand them with the 5 000 pairs of sneakers taking them out of the box
showing them off on mtv
cribs and licking the sole so it's like you see i never leave i never even wore
these joints before
yeah i can tell from your man tits you never wore them before there's sneakers
why don't you go take
a walk in them verse he's a big sneaker head i'll tell you you know what is
overrated
he's so overrated jordan's you know what i mean i'm not saying they're not good
looking some of them
most of them are ugly as and dude the the mouth breathing dopes maybe that's
what it is the amount
of oh geez i'm walking around now i'm walking through the amount of dopes
that wear jordans you know what it is about jordans it's you don't even have to
think
you know what i mean all you got to do is get a pair of jordans you know
everybody's gonna like
him oh yo are those the sixes are those the jordan sixes dude look at these sixes
i got them with the
black with the gold outline yo these sneakers are crazy right these sneakers
are crazy
you know i don't know these mouth breathing morons with the goddamn sweatpants
in their jordans
you know first he's a big jordan guy he loves jordans he was he's wearing a
pair this week they're
ugly as they're all black and then they got like this white wall tire thing
down
and just because it says jordan's i'm gonna go paul goes dude check out these
new george you like
him i go no i actually i don't and he can't understand he goes they're jordans
dude these these are jordan ones it's like dude i don't give a if they're jordan
i'm so sick of the
numbers dude what's your favorite jordan you like the sevens really you like
the sevens now you got to
make sure that that it just says nike on the back if it has him on the back
then those aren't the real ones
the kobe 11s
like what do you guys think that if you put them on you're somehow going to be
able to dunk
you're going to score close to 80 points in a nba game because you're wearing
kobe's
the sedale three sevens
i don't know i i don't understand and if a sneak is ugly it's ugly i don't give
a
i cannot believe if you guys you have to go on and you have to look at a
picture of those sneakers
they're like referee sneakers from the early 80s it's just a black low top slipper
with the nike swoosh on it dude you mean the kobe 11s
dude the kobe 11s are crazy they're crazy i'm telling you you get yourself
you get yourself a track suit and you put on a pair of those dude over over you
go out to the club
people people are are those the sixes
i i just don't understand basketball sneakers okay some of them are good
looking some of them aren't
just they they drive me up the wall paul versi is the funniest human being i've
ever met in my life like
he's he's he's one of these guys like i love him to death but the that he likes
it's so he likes obvious
he'd be like dude you know what i like you know what i like i like amenities
it's like really dude you like getting extra
extra comforting that's amazing you know i never really thought about that i
don't know
i have to think about this do i like amenities
you know what i like paul i like a lack thereof i like less than like who would
ever say dude you
know what you know what dude is there anything better than pizza is there
anything better than
a great slice of pizza dude you know what i like i like a bologna sandwich
dude a bologna sandwich with white american cheese and mustard dude dude the
mustard puts
it over the top it's crazy it's a joke i mean it's literally a joke it just i
don't know
it's like there's even need to be said of course it's a bloney sandwich yeah it
hits the spot
old mainstream poly dude you know what i like you know i like i like a golden
retriever
dude you know what's crazy a white picket fence
um sorry i got to get him back on this podcast because i will
bartnick calls him mr maxim because everything that he likes it's like it's he
likes what everybody
likes but then he's got this simplistic great philosophy where he'll be like
bill but bill
what's wrong what's wrong with sweatpants you know and you can't argue with
them
i exactly there's there's nothing wrong with it it's just you know the
conversation is just like
it just doesn't need to be most of the conversation just doesn't even need to
be had
dude is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants
dude you put on a pair of sweatpants with some jordan threes over
over dude what is better than having on a hoodie and a pair of kobe 11s
you go to massage parlor and she's jerking your dick i mean
i mean am i crazy it's it's over it's a joke it's a literally it's a joke
all right i'm sorry all you sneaker heads out there god bless you with your
little hobby
of keeping your sneakers clean and you know walking on your heels anytime there's
any sort of rubbish on the ground grown men just walking like a goddamn duck on
their heels
hey buddy what the i got on the sevens
what is it the first day of school
dude you know what i love you know what i love is it anything better than when
it snows on christmas
that's the type of he says it's like no yeah that's great paul i think
everybody's pretty much in
agreement i even think jewish people like if it snows on christmas you know
what i mean
it probably adds to their chinese food i don't like who the doesn't like a
fresh blanket of snow
as long as it isn't a goddamn storm
dude you know what i like amenities
is there anything better than taking a steam
uh no i mean you know that's also that is a great thing that everyone is in
agreement with
you know what i like dude i like fresh air is there anything better than like
non-polluted air
when you breathe in i mean it's crazy it's a it's literally it's a joke um jesus
i went on a tangent there
oh my god half a second i thought the recorder wasn't recording i i forgot my
microphone so this
might sound a little bit dude is there anything better than just laying in your
bed and just waking
up and doing your podcast i mean it's a joke it's literally it's it's it's a
joke you know i have to
look up these sneakers how the kobe bryant one of the greatest top what two
three players of all time
individual players teammate he was a nightmare um you wait till that confessional
comes up um
let me sit there putting my password here
stupid laker fans always chant mvp at the guy i hate that celtic fans are
chanting mvp at i