Name: The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-10T03:08:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-10. Transcript available.

The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Listen to this
shit. I
just got back from, where the hell was I? Phoenix, Arizona. Home of the Suns.
Home of
the Coyotes. Home of the fucking, I don't know, Grapefruit League. Not Grapefruit
League.
Whatever, Instructional League. I don't know what the fuck it is. Home of the
Diamondbacks.
Home of the fucking Cardinals. All right. I just got back from there. Okay. I'm
coming
home. I'm taking a cab because I'm old. I don't do fucking Uber. I don't do Lyft.
I
don't do any of that bullshit. All right. I'm fucking calling somebody and they
just pull
up in their car. I just, I don't, I don't do it. Right. I fucking take caps. So
I pull
up to my house and there's this fucking whatever state truck there for these
fucking guys are
in my yard. The gates open. And one of the guys got a ladder up to the side of
my house.
So I just walk in. I'm like, uh, yeah, Hey, what are you guys doing? And he
goes, Oh God,
some, finally somebody's home. I'm like, what do you mean? My wife didn't let
you in. He was
like, no, there was no answer. And I'm like, then what are you doing here? And
he goes,
well, you know, I keep coming by. There's nobody here. I got to check the meter.
You know,
they said you put a new electrical box, you know, you guys are never home. I
mean, what
was I supposed to do? I was like, I don't know, not coming to my fucking yard.
What do
you mean? What was I supposed to do? Every time I go to the bank, the bank's
closed. I mean,
what was I supposed to do? Come back when they're fucking there. You're cunt.
He just kept saying, what was I supposed to do? You're trespassing. You asshole.
The fucking, he just kept saying what, I mean, you know something? I actually
kept my cool though.
I just calmly said, I don't know, not coming to my yard. I go, if I keep going
over my neighbor's
house and he's not there, that doesn't mean to give me a right to go in there.
And he goes,
well, I got to go over. I got to get to the pole. I mean, you know, when they
change the box,
they only put temporary, whatever fucking things on there. I got to put the
right things on there.
I don't have your phone number. I'm like, well, whose fault is that?
It's not my fault. Nobody asked me. You guys never called me, or I guess you
couldn't call me,
but you should have got it from the, from the electrician. He goes, yeah,
the electrician didn't give it to me. I go, there you go.
So the other guy is grabbing the ladder. He takes it down. He's fucking walking
out. I go,
you know, what do you, what do you need to do here? He goes, no, no, you know,
I'll go get out of here. It's just like, dude, you don't got to fucking pout
now.
You know what I'm saying is right.
Fucking walking. You just open the gate.
You just fucking walk in.
Unbelievable. I liked the other guy. The other guy immediately was fucking,
you know, he's looking down. He knew he was, he knew the guy was wrong.
The guy was basically like, this is like the third time I come over here.
Nobody ever answers the door. I'm getting sick of this. And he just fucking,
I don't know, climbed over the wall. I don't know what the gates locked.
I don't know how they did it. I mean, he had a ladder.
I guess he just fucking went right up and over it.
I mean, what was I supposed to do?
What do you mean? What were you supposed to do?
That's the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard.
So then I go, what do you need to do?
He told me what he did. I go, all right, well then go down and do it.
I mean, he still did what he had to do, but I still, I don't know.
It was the weirdest fucking response ever.
Well, you know, what was I supposed to do?
So, but I was actually happy that I, I mean, I lost my shit on it now thinking
about it on the podcast way more than I did in the moment.
And, um, you know, I said to the guy, I said, I'm not trying to be difficult,
but you know, that's what you're doing here.
It's not right.
And you, you know, it's not, I should have said, I should have said that.
And you know, it's not right.
You got impatient and you just said to hell with it.
I'm just going to do this anyways.
And you're trespassing.
You know, you're trespassing.
I don't care that you work for the state.
That doesn't, you know, I guess, you know, if, if my fucking house was on fire
or the, the pole or some shit, there was a live wire hanging from it.
Then, yeah, I guess you have the authority to go up and over.
I don't think you can do that just because you're fucking tired of knocking on
the door.
Nobody answers.
Anyway, sorry.
So I just got back from Phoenix, Arizona.
I had the best fucking time when I was out there.
Ate a bunch of great food, but all basically, I kind of ate mainly down there.
Um, wherever, wherever the fucking Phoenix suns play, the, uh, traveling Riverside
resort arena, whatever the hell they call it.
Um, had a couple of really cool, um, meals when I was down there, went to this
really good pizza joint.
Um, good for the Southwest pizza.
You know what I mean?
Let's not get crazy here.
Right.
And, uh, got a good burrito down there.
I didn't work out at all.
I was driving over to see my dog.
I was starving.
I got a fucking Whopper with cheese and fucking Burger King and all freckles is,
uh, that's it.
I'm done.
Um, I'm officially, I'm on the wagon for the first time in a year, like really
hardcore on the wagon.
Like I'm fucking done.
There's no drink in, in sight other than water for me.
Um, I don't know.
I was, I was, uh, I don't know what happened to me.
The last two times I went on the road, I just been under fucking a lot of
stress, you know, not sleeping with the kid.
And then I got to put this new hour together and, uh, my fucking shoulders
still messed up.
Although I finally turned the corner with it.
And, um, but you know, so I've just, you know, I just haven't been able to work
out the way I want to.
And I swear to God, dude, I'm starting to get dad bought and I have to stop
this immediately.
I am too goddamn vain.
You know, you know, when you just look bad in a t-shirt, I have a pothead body
right now and I do not fucking like it.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
So after dealing with that guy, Hey, you know what the fuck was I supposed to
do?
I come into my house and there's this strange odor.
Like, what is that?
Is that some hippie candle?
What's going on?
And I come downstairs and Nia tells me that a fucking pipe or some shit burst
the night before.
And all this water came out.
I go, you got to be shitting me.
You got to be shitting me.
And I go, okay, did you, did you go to the front of the house?
Like I showed you and turned off all the water.
No, I turned it off under the sink.
I'm like, Oh God.
Okay.
I'm smelling water.
And then I look at my bedroom ceiling and there's a brown stain just ever so
small.
And this little fucking crack.
And I was just like, Oh my God, not again.
Please tell me not again.
So I run upstairs.
I shut off the main fucking thing.
You know, this is this thing about these feminists.
They don't want to do fucking housework anymore, but they're not going to do
the guy shit either.
Like knowing how to shut the fucking water off.
It's like, so what exactly are you going to do?
Fucking watch Mary Tyler Moore reruns.
So I'm sorry, whatever.
I'm flying.
Uh, I'm run upstairs.
I'm flying out the fucking door.
I shut it off.
And then I, you know, now I got my stupid fucking iPhone flashlight, you know,
because the fucking
guys outside checking the box have cut off the electricity.
The water's off.
Now this is just basically a glorified fucking log cabin and I'm going through
the crawl spaces
and all this shit.
And I'm trying to find out where this water's coming from.
Has it collected?
Is the ceiling going to collapse?
What is going on?
And, um, fortunately, I think, I think we're all right.
Um, and it was also fresh water.
So I don't think the guy was like, you don't have to deal with mold, which I
don't know if that makes sense to me.
I mean, it doesn't also depend on what the fuck's inside the pipe.
I have no idea.
I'm sure there's going to be a bunch of people tweeting at me, make scaring the
shit out of me.
So that's basically what I came home to.
But the plumber came by, changed the fucking thing that needed to be changed.
Hopefully everything's going to be all right.
But I, once again, you know, everybody in your house, I'm telling you right now,
needs to know how to shut off the fucking water.
Everybody.
In fact, that's the first thing I'm going to teach my daughter once she starts
walking around.
You know what I mean?
Once she understands the concept of water and what it can do to your house.
All right.
And I'm just going to be like, look, the next time a fucking, I swear the next,
I'm going to, I'm getting rid of this house.
I'm done with it.
Fuck this house.
I've had it.
I've just had it with this fucking house.
You know, it's my own goddamn fault.
What happened?
You buy a hundred year old fucking house that has a lot of character.
You know?
I'm going to sell this fucking house and I am going to buy some brand new Home
Depot out.
No character whatsoever.
I mean, I want it to look like a fucking food court.
I don't give a shit.
As long as everything's brand new in it.
You know?
Don't mind.
Like the people won't put it together.
Right.
And I'll still have the problems.
But, um, I was literally when I was in the crawl space, right?
With all these fucking cobwebs and all that.
I just, it just, it was it.
I officially fell out of love with this house.
And I was like, you know what?
Fuck this house.
You know what?
You know what?
You win, house.
You fucking win.
You broke me down.
Cool and Luke.
You finally fucking did it.
What's your dirt doing in boss man's hole?
That's what this house has been doing to me the entire fucking time I've lived
here.
I don't know, boss.
We got to get it out of there.
What's your dirt doing in boss man's yard?
I don't know, boss.
Ah, fuck.
Anyways, home ownership.
You know, they always show all of the young couple on TV fucking smiling and
all that shit.
They ought to fucking show me my fucking Whopper with cheese fucking body
crawling around a goddamn crawl space.
Of course, what?
Are you going to walk around a crawl space, Bill?
So then I fucking, thank God it's all right.
So then I leave.
I go down to take care of all the bills and all of this shit.
That's why the podcast is late.
And I'm like, all right, I got to pick up a salad or something.
I got to start on the right foot here.
And, you know, typical L.A. thing.
Oh, there's the place I want to be.
That's a restaurant that, you know, 40 people can eat at.
And there's four parking spots, two of which, you know, are taken by the cook
and the manager.
And the other two are taken by the fucking waitstaff.
So as always, there's no fucking place to park.
And I turned the corner.
And lo and behold, there's a fucking spot.
And I went down and turned around like a gentleman.
And, of course, someone else said, fuck that.
And they made the three-point turn into the goddamn parking spot.
Took my fucking parking spot.
And then that was it.
That was enough.
All my meditation and everything went out the fucking window.
And, you know, so I had my first fucking meltdown in a while, in weeks.
My first meltdown in weeks.
And then I basically, I went from yelling at the guy who fucking took my
parking spot.
It was my parking spot, right?
He got there first.
I saw it first, but he fucking made a better move.
And he boxed me out.
Like, you know, he got the rebound.
I went from yelling about him in the car to myself to yelling even louder about
the electrician to yelling even louder about shutting the fucking water off the
second there's a goddamn problem.
And then I found a parking spot.
And I got out.
And I think I was yelling so loudly, like somebody walking by was looking at me
all fucking weird.
And I don't kno