Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-13T20:25:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-13. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
march 13th 2017 what's going on how are you you know what i ask you that every
week how are but
this did you know this monday i would really like to know how are you what's
going mandy what's
going on with you you're scaring me you know that's the type of shit you can do
when you're
abroad but if you're a guy you can't do that you can't be like mike what's
going on with me
what's going on what's going on with you you're scaring me you know as you're
taken by both his
hands um all right i got an hour here to do and i gotta be honest with you i
don't have shit to say
because my life has become very compartmentalized being a dad here daddy oh oh
she's asleep
downstairs man she's fucking awesome anybody who says that being a parent is
hard is a fucking
pussy you know i'm not saying that it's not tedious i'm not saying saying it's
not like walking around
with a little fucking kettlebell all day long you know especially if you fucked
up one of your rotator
cuffs i gotta keep her in close on the right hand side you know keep her in
tight tiki barber
don't fumble um but uh we just sat around we uh listen a lot of music with her
i was listening to
fucking um what was i listening to yesterday just like they called malt shop
oldies it's basically
like doo-wop from the 1950s and i kind of settled on that channel and after a
while i wanted to turn
the channel but i couldn't because she was sleeping and the remote was like
across the table once they
once they fall asleep dude it's just like you know i don't care what position
you're in you're not moving
because they're fucking sleeping right so i just sat there and listened on a
loop to all this
slowly going out of my fucking mind doo-wop's great for about four songs in a
row and then it just
becomes the same song over and over and fucking over again um i was listening
to that shit for like a
fucking like an hour and like half of those songs have been in scorsese movies
you know
it's always like some guy's name and then the name of a card you know so and so
in the fleetwood
something something in the belmonts dion and the belmonts you gotta love them
they're still fucking
great you know the wanderer that fucking song is so applicable to anybody who
didn't get married
you're in your 40s you know well i'm the type of guy who will never settle down
makes you feel great
about the choice you made until if you know you realize he sang it in his 20s
you're like oh fuck what was another one you talk too much you talk too much
you worry me to death
you talk too much i think he says you even worry my pet it's just like i can't
be the fucking line
but they played it twice um speaking of talking too much just what the fuck i
do on this podcast
um oh i know what i could i know what we actually had a date night this is how
much of a fucking dad
i'm becoming you know still playing drums you know schedule a helicopter uh
thing so you know i'm still
trying to keep the hobbies going but they're starting to wobble on the sticks
here so um
we were watching a commercial the other day no we were watching wheel of
fortune um the other day
and um they always get to the fucking the last prize and wheel fortune is so
fucked they're notoriously
cheap first of all you're basically spinning this giant roulette wheel and even
on the roulette
roulette wheel they got you know green zero and the double green zero and just
that alone
that alone will completely fuck you over now obviously you guys hopefully have
listened to
this podcast long enough to know that i am not a mathematician so i cannot
explain why but just
having those two will fuck you over but what's their faces the uh wheel of
fortune they got like
i swear to god it's like two or three bankrupts lose a turn just constantly
every two seconds you just
hear that fucking reverse flute they beep and they go bankrupt and then it
comes to their big prize
when they try to act like they're gonna they're gonna throw down some goddamn
cash the last one it's so
fucking difficult we're gonna guess some letters for you we're gonna guess some
letters for you let me
guess some letters for me you know the fucking answer then they act like it's
weird when only like one
letter they only guess one letter right and if you're like okay give me give me
three fucking letters in a
file p um f l and a and then it's always like great guesses but uh you're not
gonna like this
we only got one letter it's just like you know do the best you can they always
fuck them over but this lady
this lady she actually did okay and she won the prize she didn't do okay she
fucking crushed it
i can't remember so i keep your hands to yourself or something like that was
solving like no this is a phrase
like who would ever come up with that on a fucking game show keep your hands to
yourself
it was something on that level it was like semi-aggressive slash you know date
rapey and
it's on a fucking game show and she somehow got it there is a point at the end
of this right and
she ends up winning this fucking two-seater some sort of monster some shit it's
not a miata i don't
know what the fuck it was suzuki i have no fucking idea it was a two-seat sport
car
and um immediately my first thought was i looked at neo i was just like you can't
get a kid in there
and then she laughed she's like ah look you're becoming a dad and i'm like no i'm
not i'm still
young and cool but she was right you know i'm not becoming a dad i am a goddamn
dad but i'm not i'm
gonna be one of those douchey dads that talks about how parents who talks about
how fucking difficult
their life is it's fucking awesome but having a kid when you're in your 20s and
you're broke
sucks you know but when you travel in the country and they're paying your money
to talk about your
dicks and do fucking dicks talking about your dick and do shit jokes it's not
that bad
i'm only on the road like six days a fucking month you know unless i fly in a
night early to go watch the
fucking bruins or celtics or some shit if our schedules line up um and other
than that that i'm
here and she's cool as shit man she doesn't really cry she only cries you know
you know needs a diaper
change wants to be held you know it's hungry other than that she totally chills
she's met a bunch of
people she doesn't freak out with strangers one of the best compliments i got
she's like oh your kids
really uh there's a really relaxed healthy baby you know what i mean which i'm
fucking psyched
because that's what i want it obviously healthy but i want a fucking chill baby
i don't want like i
basically don't want my kid to be like me
that's why i got to keep up with this meditating because i didn't do it for a
minute and the oh the
old gray mare she ate i started fucking going back to what the fuck i was
you know like i fucking uh i was trying to you know sneak out of the bedroom
because i was going to go work out because i'm a fat cupcake eating douche and
um
nia just opens her eyes and just goes could you change it really quick i just
stopped and i looked
at her and i said you really need to work on your good mornings she's like
sorry good morning
and even though i was right my tone was just it was way too you know i was like
that uh
i always say liam neeson neem neem leeson leeson i don't know whatever i i took
it too far
which kills me that's why i love meditating because i don't take it too far and
if i make a point i'm
still right but when i don't meditate you know i basically i walk around at a
six you know like saying
10 is completely losing your i walk around i'm just walking down the street
with a balloon on my wrist
at a six to a seven so it's very easy for me to go right to 10 unless i
meditate then that backs me
down to about four or three which still is pretty high but it's kind of cutting
my number almost in half
but what kills me is when i'm not meditating and i'm up around a six or a seven
you know it gets that
point even if i'm right my reaction gives them this this wiggle room you know
some bill clinton wiggle
room to get the out of it you know some trump executive order thing to go
around some
shit um so uh you know so i gotta i gotta i gotta stay on that type of shit
dude speaking of
fucking neem leeson neem leeson why can't you know it's one of those fucking if
it goes by so
fucking quick you never really even hear it no bill we all hear it you don't i
mean look
i'm gonna get this guy's fucking name right he's great actor here with neem
oh no it's liam neeson his first name's not liam
yes it is neem leeson whatever i'll never get that right i'm never gonna get
that fucking right
anyways the fucking head of hair on that son of a bitch um anyways i saw a
fucking great movie this
week so saturday night saturday saturday we go out and uh we actually have a
date night
so we're like all right we'll get maybe like dinner and a movie we'll basically
turn about appetizer and
a drink and i'm sitting there like you know i'm on the wagon i can't do it and
he's like i'll just
fucking have one so i was like all right i'll have one you know still on the
wagon you know i'm not like
a fucking alcoholic where i just got to shut the whole thing off you know what
i mean so i had one i had
a cognac or falcon cognac and i just said you know i just ordered the best one
that they had
you know so it tasted amazing but it was also like drinking gasoline so i could
only sip it
and we got like an appetizer and then we just sat there uh you know
shooting the it felt weird because we hadn't been out together in a while
and then we just started talking about our daughter and looking at pictures of
her
it's like two addicts going out you know what i mean at some point you're going
to start talking
about blow and how much fun it is um so then you know after that we walked up
the street we went to
the movie theater and uh we saw get out um the jordan peele fiend uh film dude
it was
fucking um that was amazing you gotta go see it i know there's you know you
know there's always that
movie everybody's like dude you gotta go fucking see it and it doesn't live up
to the hype it lived up to
the hype man it was fucking great and what i loved what i loved about it and
what i love about all
fucking movies like this is there was a bunch of shit in there that you he left
you to figure out yourself
and i saw the movie like two three days ago saturday night was a monday two
days ago
you know and i keep even though i'm driving i'm still thinking about the movie
i was like oh
fuck that was this and this meant that and this is over here and this person's
that like you know
it was the perfect length the whole thing and the acting in it was unbelievable
um
dude that fucking guy i swear to god man that's like one of the most talented
people to come around
in a long long time you know to be that good at like you know the characters
that he did on a
sketch show and the writing and then on top of that you can direct i mean he's
kind of
fucking limitless as far as his talent goes but if you haven't seen it yet
before somebody ruins it
you got to go check it out all right there's my i never do a movie plug so
there you go
there's one for you um so we ended up going to that thing and uh
i don't know what the fuck we did after that i think we just came straight home
oh i
know walked up to my car and for some reason the fucking lights were on
because cars are so goddamn confusing like wherever the fuck my lights used to
be
was the automatic you just turn the car on and they fucking come on at night
like somehow the lights sense night
fucking creepy as that and i did the manual one
and now that it's on the manual one i can't figure out where the fuck to put it
so now i always have to
do it and now i'm like you know but you know what kills me with today's
technology is i left those
things on went and had a drink and an appetizer and then saw like a fucking
whatever that movie is 90
minu