Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-17T01:38:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-17. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you know you're
almost through the week some of you get paid today some of you don't i don't
know how it
works but um yeah i'm just here to check in on you just for the fucking half an
hour i hope you
guys enjoyed the very special edition of the monday morning podcast that was
put out yesterday
with uh the great the great jim norton promoting his new stand-up special that
you can watch now
on netflix mouthful of shame i've heard nothing but great things about it i
have yet to see it
because uh you know i only got so much fucking time now with the little kiddo
running around who just
just keeps getting better every day just keeps getting better every day i don't
know what the
fuck people complain about about having a kid it's fucking awesome oh my god
you gotta pick up toys
as opposed to what sitting alone in your apartment
all the free time in the fucking world slowly drinking yourself to death
because i'll tell you i've been on both sides of the fence
liking this side a little better not saying every once in a while every once in
a while i don't visit
my old friends at my fucking 83 76ers level bar that i have i always throw i
always give a shout
out to the 83 76ers because everybody talks about the 96 bowls everybody talks
about the 27 yankees what
about the 1983 philadelphia 76ers huh i would love to throw the 86 celtics in
there but the fucking
lakers choked against the houston rockets so i mean sort of a uh you know when
in the 80s it didn't mean
you didn't really feel like you won a championship unless you beat the celtics
or the lakers that's basically it
that's that's my you know no disrespect to ralph fucking samson no fucking
disrespect to akeem
olajuwon was he on that team yet or did they have fucking treat no tree rollins
was atlanta
i don't remember they had very similar uniforms in my memory bank in fact i
think they had the
exact same colors just houston rockets was less busy more traditional like the
detroit red wing jersey
simple red and white toronto blue and white that's it it's over these are our
colors
fuck you somebody please explain to me how the tampa bay fucking lightning also
can wear blue and white
i don't understand that you know it's like the pittsburgh penguins when they
came back wearing
black and gold it's like what the fuck bartnick told me that the original
fucking hockey team
in pittsburgh did wear black and gold but then yeah but then you fold it and
you left it on the
table it's like when you don't renew your fucking website somebody else is
gonna get it um i don't
know what i'm talking about all i know is i have to plow through this next
fucking half an hour
just to see how you're doing whatever maybe i'm gonna catch you on the ride
home
you know worst case scenario you got one fucking day left use a sick day take a
three-day weekend
you know you know i was actually thinking now is this is the time of year where
uh
this spring break i wonder what kids do nowadays there's got to be a way where
they can get
out of the view of the constant surveillance of your parents now you know what
i mean jesus christ by
the time my daughter gets to that age i'll probably be able to have a drone
like hovering over her for
her the entire existence i'll just shout down from the sky you know honey don't
go to that party
just freaking around she'll be looking up like dad oh so sick of my dad
hovering over me in a hum in a
fucking whatever the fuck it's called that would literally be helicopter
parenting those
fucking drones i went to something recently and i guess the gift bag was a
drone it's like why would
you give people those things it's not intrusive enough all this fucking
technology that all these
fucking weirdos you know what i mean i want to know the first time a drone is
going to seriously give
somebody brain damage because the operator was trying to jerk off while they
were trying to operate it
is they're hovering over somebody's house you know trying to come down near the
bathroom there's
already perverts doing that perverts fascinate me man they fascinate me sick
why can't you just walk
up and say hello they can't do it but then they have these needs right so then
they got to peek around
the corner you know speaking of peaking peaky blindness one of my favorite
shows that's come
on over the last five years um i was on a uh an airplane flying back from austin
from the south by
southwest festival uh which i can't tell you another time when you would not
want to be in austin you
know i mean it's great for films and that type of ship but it's just like i don't
know man i don't
know what happened to that city i've been going there for the last 20 years it
just gets more and
more crowded it's like a bunch of sweaty hippies with la level traffic that's
what south by southwest
is and i don't know what it is every white person in austin during that week
they all look like they play
hacky sack you know i don't know if there's just something about the uh
the disheveled on purpose college age white kid that i know even when i went to
college i wasn't like
that you know combed my hair when i still had hair right i didn't try to look
like i lived out on the
street that was like a big guy thing back then to try to look all disheveled
like i could barely take
care of myself look at my college id look at my crazy picture it's like dude
you did all of this on
this whole thing is on purpose the end of the day if your back's against the
wall you can call
your mom and dad all right so comb your hair and put on a clean shirt all right
you cunt i'm sorry
why did i say all of that anyways i um this was my day i actually was flying
out there that day to
do the all things comedy podcast and then fly right back so i uh i'm like this
is great i've always
wanted to go to the airport and just have like nothing and just walk in you
know like leonardo
dicaprio and catch me if you can remember he just come walking in wearing this
little
i know how to fly a plane outfit that's what the i wanted to do minus that
outfit so i put on sweatpants
you know and whatever t-shirt jacket and i had my change of clothes and toiletries
in this backpack and
that was it all right went in there like a goddamn drifter and i get all the
way to the airport
and i realized i i forgot my wallet right so i can't get on the plane because i
don't have
any form of identification i don't have my college id man from back in the day
and um
what did i have um i ended up having to go i didn't know what to do i was like
i'm gonna miss
this this fucking part and i'm actually thinking now that my day actually did
grow my hair out a
little bit in college but i still dress respectfully
maybe i was a hybrid i can't remember it was so long ago anyways
so i get to the airport i don't have my goddamn id and i don't know what the to
do and i have to make this this podcast because there's advertisers and all
that type of
shit you can't say this is the lineup this is the projected amount of people
that are gonna listen
it's a business and then not show up and take their money so uh i didn't know
what to do so i ended up
uh for the first time ever i flew private and blew a ton of cash so i'm gonna
be playing a bunch of casinos coming up to make up for the money that i uh that
i spent on that
i flew out of van nuys like a rock star lit up my card literally glowing in my
pocket i had to
fucking drive home get my wallet fly out you know drive out there and then sit
there and then talk to
these fucking savages just being like oh you need a plane right now oh yeah
really that'll be a million
bucks and i'm like you man i'm calling somebody else and they're like it'll be
a half a million i'm like
fuck you and all you do is you just keep calling people and after a while you
just start saying
numbers and um i gotta i gotta weigh the down for whatever they first quoted me
i halved it
got it down to half that but still cost a zillion bucks so uh i get on the
plane
talking to the pilots they're like right there it was a smaller plane like when
i went to take a piss
i'm like do you guys have a bathroom here they're like yeah they do and they
had to move the snacks
and then they closed their little door and i'm taking a piss right on the other
side of the
door and like you can't stand up in the plane so i am stand up but i'm acting
like i have osteoporosis
and i'm trying to take a piss and there's there's an angle you have to be at so
you don't piss on
your own sweatpants but eventually the velocity of the urine coming out of your
dick is
going to slow down and it's going to come towards your clothes so then you got
to make a decision
what am i how am i going to do this how far down am i going to pull my pants
what the
is going like that weird kid remember that weird kid when you were in
elementary school
you went in to take a piss and the kid had his pants all the way down around
his ankles it's like
why didn't you just unzip your fly you know what's going on here
so and then the whole time i'm just thinking like how is this better than
flying on a commercial
airline i don't get it you know if you fly in business at first if you bump
yourself up
um i am one and done on that i just think it's the it's a colossal waste of
money
and i have the glowing fucking credit card right now to prove it and um there's
just no money in
it the fucking people who rent the planes are barely making any money the
pilots don't make any money
all the pilots want to eventually fly for commercial a commercial airline right
i mean they're still
flying commercial private they want to fly for like you know one of the major
airlines is what i'm trying
to say so one of the pilots came back and he's talking to me he goes yeah we
got some beers here
and i'm like i'm on the wagon but i'm like what the fuck i spent all this money
i gotta have a beer so
i drank a coars light like the white trash cunt that i am and um he's sitting
there talking to me
and uh i'm all fascinated with the all the aviation aspects of it and i'm
sitting there looking at the
guy and he had a tear in his slacks right at his knee like there was a like a
like a vertical slice
like he was in a knife fight and just somebody sliced it a little bit and i was
just going like
there's no fucking money in this what this guy is doing right now defying the
law of gravity
getting me from los angeles to austin he doesn't get lost he knows where to go
he knows what altitude
to fly at we had a nice fucking landing maybe my life is literally in this guy's
hand and they don't
pay this guy enough money that he can fly this fucking jet without a pair of
pants that are fucking ripped
you know maybe that's why all those kids annoyed me
you know what i didn't fit you know when i was in austin because i'm seeing a
guy who actually
really is struggling flying a jet and he has a ripped
slacks who knows maybe he just had a rough night he had a rough one maybe he
just passed out
i don't know anyways um i remember when i was in college and uh yeah like i i
was never that
fucking rebel guy i remember walking by this chick one time and i just had like
mainstream clothes on
i had like a polo shirt and regular i remember i walked by and she just goes
ooh hot labels
i just want to be like you goth cunt you look like every other goth cunt here
you guys all i don't
know what fucking every blacks everything painted black store you're walking
you all have the same
makeup you all have the same lipstick yeah it's just you know because there's
no goth food court you feel
like you're out you're out of the reach of the corporations i'll never forget
that ooh hot labels
and i kind of liked her too because a lot of those goth chicks were cute you
know if you could get past
the fucking you know nowadays i would actually i would totally steer clear of
them knowing wha