Name: The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-17
Uploaded: 2017-03-23T21:52:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-23. Transcript available.

The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you checking in some my
voice is junk i just
did six shows up in san jose cruise i've been for the houston astros that was
one of my favorite
players yeah my voice is gonna be a little it's gonna be a little rough you
know um i did six
shows up there two monday two tuesday two wednesday just like when i was in phoenix
two monday two
tuesday two fucking wednesday i'm putting together my new uh hour and i really
felt by wednesday
of this week it had gotten to the point we're starting to starting to take
shape and i was very
happy and i want to thank everybody who came out you know on school nights i
know you guys all have
to work unless you hit the fucking lottery i assumed all you had to go to work
the next day so i want
to thank everyone in san jose who came out to go see me and um thank you for uh
sitting through the
new jokes i had a great time up there worked with dean del rey he fucking
crushed it crushed it all
fucking week um had a great time working with them you know and dean like this
is the funny thing about
dean when i work with dean dean you know he doesn't party or anything like that
he's done all of that
shit so he's over it so then you know i'm i'm a fucking codependent jackass you
know what i mean
so i mean to a point someone's doing coke and heroin i'm like hey i'm going to
bed okay um
but it's when it comes to the booze or smoking cigars right that's why you know
me and all my
friends i mean we're all codependent guys we just fucking feed off of each
other and it becomes
fucking you know animal house but um so he he's he doesn't do that right so i'm
like oh it's gonna be
great you know i'm not gonna spend any extra money boozing no extra calories i
was hitting the gym i was
doing everything great but uh the thing about dean is he has impeccable taste
and shit that i like
old instruments old cars he was showing me this guy that fucking redoes these porsche
911s out here
that were just fucking insane insane like he has all like you know not a lot of
stuff but he has all
top of the line shit so i was joking with him i was like all the money that i'm
gonna fucking not
blow in a bar after my show i'm then gonna spend 10 times more of that on
fucking ebay after i get
done talking to you but um anyways he murdered it all week we had such a great
time and um san jose
improv that's one of my favorite places because it's really it's really it's a
small theater you know
from the turn of the last century i believe it was built in the 1890s burned
down back when shit used
to burn down all the time because it was made out of fucking wood you know as
opposed to what now
bill well i don't know we didn't they didn't have sprinklers that's what it was
what a house is made
out of plastic bill you know you've been out in hollywood so long you're
plastic phony you think
everything's made out of plastic well then they would melt right plastic isn't
flammable but it just
cowers you know what i mean like your friend who says i got your back i'm not
gonna fucking rat you
out and all of a sudden the teacher comes walking in and he goes who's his idea
that's what plastic is
you know why because it's man-made um anyway so it burned down and then they
you know rebuilt it in
the early 1900s and everyone from like harry houdini charlie chaplin they
always bring up those two guys
nobody ever says uh you know fatty arbuckle played here nobody gives a shit
right i love that name
fatty arbuckle you know that's back when you just you said what the person was
for better or for worse
you know what i mean you know you could just say fatty arbuckle why because
because he's a fat fuck
you know i'm sure he had a first name nobody knows what it is but people go you
know back then it was
great you know you fucking yeah but then people also walking around dropping
the fucking n-word you know like
assay and pass the sugar but the upside to that was you you knew who thought
what as opposed to now
where everybody goes african-american homosexual american japanese american and
you have no idea who's
what everybody's walking around you feel like you're in the fucking invasion of
the body snatchers
who's thinking what right everybody's reading from the same book it's not a
good goddamn thing
i don't even know what the fuck i'm talking about right now um i literally uh
got off got on the
earliest flight i'm doing this thing now because i want to run rush home and
see my daughter my daughter
but i get home because i take the earliest flight out and i'm fucking exhausted
then i have to go to
sleep so um sucks i came home i think she has to re-remember who i am just
three days away three days
away like as far as what percentage of her life she was looking at me like
making this face like who the
fuck is this guy she didn't cry thank god that would have broke my heart but
you know
took me like 20 minutes to get a smile out of her um what else am i gonna do
what am i gonna get a
nine-to-five job you know drive the fucking
chevy cavalier like but what the fuck a lot of you guys are doing right now
stuck in traffic i know you
don't want to do that right you got a dream let me tell you something you gotta
you gotta find that
dream and you gotta go after it um kidding um do whatever the fuck you want to
do you know there's
a lot of times i look at somebody sitting in a cubicle one that would be great
right there i just
fucking sit there i just i go from here to right fucking there right i just and
my chair spins from
this to here right that's my range of fucking motion i get my job done and i go
home and you know
something if this country company goes under i don't give a fuck i'll just go
to another one
ain't on me you know not rent to own rent to leave that's how you do it anyways
uh what's going on
in my world other than that i'm excited finally excited about my new hour
finally finally i have
some fucking jokes um the fucking boston bruins dude they gotta win tonight
they're playing fucking
tampa bay lightning down there in florida dude i know like fucking 12 people
already fucking moved
down there you know what i mean it's fucking crazy it's like what are you
fucking 80 can't take the
winner anymore you're gonna lose your edge dude dude i went down there i i
visit fucking i visit
fucking uh whatever fucking bobby mccarthy dude he's always walking around in
shorts fucking flip
flops sitting down by a dock hanging out with all these fucking weirdos just
like dude you know look
look at you you're all fucking tanned up you know it's good but you got to come
back dude you got to go
to donkeys get too large with extra sugar um bruins are in the middle of a
three game fucking slide we
lost to edmonton and then we went over edmonton alberta and then we went to toronto
ontario and we
fucking lost there and then we went to ottawa the capital the capital the
capital ladies and gentlemen
of canada i was actually that's i was trying to remember all the provinces they're
provinces and
territories there's 10 provinces and three territories up there and i can never
fucking remember them because
most of them begin with n whatever enough of them do nova scotia new brunswick
then there's something in labrador retriever or some shit what the fuck is it
new brunswick
nova scotia newfoundland and labrador prince edward island then the rest are
easy
you're just going across according to fucking hockey teams the quebec nordiques
well toronto maple leafs they're not the ontario maple leafs and they're not
the man told manitoba
fucking jets it's the winnipeg jets right saskatchewan alberta british columbia
then you go up top you
got the northwestern territory you got yukon and then the other one like
fucking begins with an n
it sounds like an italian word but it isn't like forget about it the fuck is
that thing called
this has to be in the history of podcasting the most boring thing anybody's
ever brought up
canadian come on you cunt i'm on wikipedia canadian territory uh territory
territories
the fuck is it called it's something italian provinces and territories of canada
please take out your geography books the fuck is it called oh yeah yeah
none none of it oh no that's not doesn't sound italian hey we'll have none of
it
knock it off we'll have none of it no none of that none of that would work fuck
off i got most of them
i got most of them all right so anyways the bruins are playing tampa bay
tonight we need a win
you know we just fucking beat edmonton we just won one of those fucking games
we had little breathing room
a little breathing room and now we don't now it's just like
you know joe bartnick taught me talked me off the ledge he goes you know they
were fucking tired
they had back-to-back games don't fucking hit the panic panic button yet but
then we lost again to
fucking ottawa okay so i'm gonna listen to joe bartnick because he knows way
more about hockey than
i'll ever fucking know but if they lose tonight
we're looking at possibly three years in a row of being in the playoffs with
two weeks to go in march
and then sitting at home you know which uh bartnick has told me that's the
worst fucking thing to just
miss the playoffs okay because you don't get any playoff money and you don't
get a good draft pick
but who knows maybe somebody will miss somebody good i mean that's how we got
tom brady right
everybody just fucking was looking at him like you know i mean he's got a nice
dimple in his chin but
other than that i don't know you can see why they passed him by you can see why
they passed him by
when he fucking dove after he threw that pick six you know in the super bowl
this year just look that
up him diving to tackle just look at how unathletic he looks you know anytime
anybody ever says like
fucking how the fuck did all these teams wait to the what what was he the
fourth round six round how did
they miss this guy just show that video and just say imagine that running the
40 yard dash
you know what tom brady is he's a fucking sleeper that's what he is he showed
up looking like a
volvo station wagon they didn't realize what was under the hood you know what
it was it was a 454
454 cubic inches of fucking hat dude um sorry all right plowing ahead
um other sports talk formula one starts on this sunday if you want to get into
it like
like i did last year and last year the mercedes-benz team with lewis hamilton
and nico rosberg the since
retired nico rosberg because he wanted to hang out with his daughter which i
didn't fuck or his kid
which i didn't understand until i came home after three days in san jose and my
own daughter's looking
at me like uh is this the driver who the hell is this guy um who knows i always
i always want to blame the
woman you know that his wife was like it's really dangerous i mean you won the
championship i mean
this whole thing with lewis it's just it's it's you just you talk about it all
the time we can't even
sit down for a meal i get it you think he's a cunt but you know i just what
about us
can you just be here with me you know that's the danger of being with the wrong
woman you end up
stepping out of a formula one car and just say hey you know what or maybe he's
smart maybe he's just
like that guy who plays blackjack and goes up early and just says hey you know
what fuck this i'm going
back to the room taking my money and i'm going back to the fucking room i have
no idea i don't even
understand this goddamn sport to be honest with you i still don't understand
what happened to the
steering wheel and why it looks like a fucking game boy now and how the fuck
sitting there like
driving that goddamn fast you have time to take your hand off the wheel and
fucking search for that
button to pick a new uh a new suspension like you're in a tesla with your
friend driving up
fucking route too hey you want me to put it in insane fucking mode whatever the
hell it is exc