Name: Bill Burr City Tours: Phoenix, AZ
Uploaded: 2017-03-29T15:34:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr City Tours: Phoenix, AZ' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr City Tours: Phoenix, AZ' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-29. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for another tour of cities
that I haven't done
in fucking years. I don't even know what I'm driving right now. This is one of
the worst
fucking cars. Look at the back of this car. There's no backup camera. I can't
see shit. Look at that
little side window there. I've almost took out this guy on a bike and he
fucking freaked out
of me because what the fuck are you doing? I want to be like, well, I'm doing
what you
would be doing if you were in a car. You know, I'm not paying attention. I'm in
a fucking car.
So anyways, I'm in Phoenix, Arizona. Look at this. You got a sports town here,
right? Oh,
it's green light. Sorry. You got a sports town here. This is one of the worst
names for an
arena I've seen in a while. Talking Stick Resort Arena. You want to go down to
the Talking Sticks
fucking resort arena? That sounds like you're going to get like a massage or
something.
You got a parking garage there. Up here, you got your Chase Field. It's where
the, I wanted
to say Devil Rays, but it's the Diamondbacks. This is, you know what I like
about that place
whenever I drive by them? That's where they beat the Yankees in 2001 when even
I as a Red
Sox fan because it was right after 9-11. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll
root for
these. I'll root for them. You know, it's good for the city. And then they lost.
And I, it's
the first good feeling I had post 9-11 watching them lose. This is this weird
thing about this
city out here is this second, like you leave the downtown area, it just
immediately becomes
like Roadrunner Coyote shit. Should I head back towards the downtown area? Oh,
you know what's
big out here? Dogs getting out. Jesus Christ, that guy's bass is so fucking,
you know, it's
big out here is, other than really loud bass in the truck behind. It's
literally making
my ears itch. I don't even, I can't even do this part of the video. You know
what's funny
about that? It's shaking his whole car and he's just like, just fucking up his
suspension.
All of it is just, just gradually coming loose. It's like he's driving over a pothole
when he's
sitting still. Why would you have it that loud? Dude, I got a fucking sick
sound system.
Not even a bass player would have the bass that loud. You know, you don't want
to hear the
other instruments. Is there anything worse than a bass solo? You can't fucking
hear it. I remember
Billy Sheenan would always fucking after Steve Vai and David Lee Roth. Steve
Vai would be
doing all this fucking shit. And then he'd come up and basically do the same
thing. It was just like,
you're like, what the fuck? Anyway, you know what's the big thing out here? Is,
uh,
little dogs going missing. You can't leave the gate open out here. There's just
too many, you know,
there's too many coyotes, snakes. I don't know what the fuck gets them out here.
Pedophiles.
There's always a sexual predator on the desert, right? I think this is the
number one place
that, uh, sexual predators after they get out of jail. You know, this is where
they usually
settle down in the downtown Phoenix area. You know, just like looking at all
the sweaty kids.
I don't know why I'm saying that. I'm sorry. Um,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not your music.
Yes.
Not over yet.
We can't still fucking do it.
I heard a country song about a guy. He was, he was, he was singing about him
and his dad flying F-15s.
The man, my dad flew AF-15s. It's like, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. They
would never let
let that accent into that fucking billion dollar aircraft, whatever it costs.
You know, remember Top Gun? Nobody had a Southern accent in that, did they?
All those Chip and Dales looking guys, they all had like the Midwest accent,
didn't they?
You know, what's funny is I actually like this place, but there's just nothing
like it.
Oh my God.
Jesus Christ.
That's just a whole other level.
All right, don't, don't, don't, don't show his head.
My God.
Dude, he was dressed like a toddler.
You know, he basically had on a onesie.
All right, now we're getting to real Phoenix.
I showed you the nice area. Here we go.
I think I saw that in No Country for Old Men.
Look at this McDonald's.
They don't even have a playground.
Now I have this here.
This is the America that Trump connected with.
Right?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He's literally a hobo.
All right, there's a guy sitting in the back of a pickup truck.
I mean, this is like, this guy's a legit hobo.
Back in the days, he'd be riding in boxcars, but I guess trains don't exist
anymore.
I love how you're afraid of him.
You won't even look at him.
He keeps catching us.
You got to know if you're sitting in the back of that lady, he's drinking out
of his jug.
You're looking at a guy.
That guy has no social security number.
See that, everybody?
Perfectly good white guy.
Look what happened.
You make the wrong decisions in life, you know?
You end up in the back of a pickup truck in Phoenix, Arizona.
Just hanging on for dear life.
Fucking guy with a metal detector.
It was a weed whacker.
Oh, I thought it was a metal detector.
Loan max.
Cash loans on car titles.
Jesus Christ.
How does that even work?
You come down, you have your title in your car.
I'm going to take my title in there in exchange for cash, and then I'm going to
go to the track.
That's what I'm going to do.
There you go.
Horizontal strikes.
Horizontal strikes.
He's liking his body.
Something about being broken, this type of heat, it just fucking beats the shit
out of you.
Dude, is there one car in this area that does not look stolen?
Oh, here we go.
We're breaking out of urban sprawl.
Here's the landfill.
This is the end of this, this is the end of this shit.
All right, here we go.
Uplifting.
Look at this poor bastard.
Walking to work.
Because he brought his title down because he went to the track.
Little riverbed here.
Some Clint Eastwood shit, right?
Pale rider.
Why would you advertise Brooklyn bedding here?
These people are fucking sleeping on the ground.
Maybe it's for all the people like me driving through it, right?
All of us privileged people.
You guys like that I wear a sweater?
This is my new thing to keep myself calm.
I wear sweaters.
I wear dad jeans, you know?
A pair of shell toes for a little flair.
And this is a Duke Blue Devil hat, you know?
I know.
Some of you are going to be like, when the fuck did you become a fan?
Yeah, about three weeks ago when I went to a game.
It was phenomenal.
Look at that right there.
That's something Richard Rawlings would buy on Gas Monkey Garage.
I keep walking up to that and he always has the other guy talk first.
And, you know, just be like, so, uh, what are you thinking?
I don't know.
I was thinking like 10 grand.
I can't do 10 grand.
And the guy's like, well, what are you thinking?
I mean, I was thinking like four.
This is where they grow all their weed.
Is weed legal in Arizona?
There's no way it's legal.
There's no way.
They don't even celebrate.
They don't even celebrate Martin Luther King Day.
There's no way they let you smoke a joint.
Pawn shops are so fucking overrated.
Pawn shops are so overrated.
When you watch, what's that?
What's that?
Pawn show.
Pawn stars.
Pawn stars.
Yeah, when you watch Pawn star, you think you're going to go in there.
There's going to be like a Super Bowl ring.
You're like an Indian motorcycle.
And you get in there.
It's just, it's like a Casio keyboard.
Somebody's old apron.
It's like, where is all the good shit?
Cars, twos, silver.
What does that say?
Cold guns?
What?
Gold guns.
Gold, gold guns.
Gold space guns.
Oh, okay.
Say, fucking Roger Moore must have had a rough week.
Like, I believe that's a hospital.
If you get sick, I guess you go over there.
You know, as you do.
That's the fucking worst.
There's no way.
When I get older, there's no way I'm going, I'm not dying in a hospital.
I'm not fucking dying in there listening to the respirator.
The person next to me with that smell.
I hate hospitals.
You know, I got, you know, I got my affairs in order.
And one of them is just like, you know, when I'm in a bad way, pull the fucking
plug.
I'm not going to be laying there like in that Metallica video.
Because everybody's fucking talking around me.
I don't, I think I saw it move his toe.
Can you hear my voice in there?
And I'm just thinking on a loop all day.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Kill me.
I don't care if I'm going to hell.
Let's just get it.
Let's just get on with it.
Ready to meet the devil.
What could be worse than just laying there in your fucking head?
You know, right?
As you feel yourself dying.
Oh, good.
I feel myself.
I'm starting to die.
And then you just feel injecting nutrition into your arm.
Can you cry when you're in a coma?
Can that happen?
I don't know.
I wonder if that's a good taco.
Hey, let's find a good place to get something to eat.
Best, best.
You want to get a taco?
I don't know about this place.
Inventive burritos.
Inventive burrito means a white guy's making it.
Mexican infused.
What do they have against cutting the grass out in these fucking desert places?
Church's Chicken, KFC, AutoZone, Big Bend Parliament.
It's the same fucking 12 stores.
You know what it is about broke areas?
In the southwest versus the east coast.
At least the land is lush back on the east coast.
This shit just looks so fucking dead.
It's like tumbleweeds and stuff.
It just looks extra broke.
Hey, my dad's a fucking F-15.
Oh yeah, just still have your cowboy hat on.
There's like a thing if you fly like F-15, you also have to be like good
looking.
You know what I mean?
You can't come in there with that fucking country bumpkin bullshit.
You gotta lose that accent.
Get yourself a little high and tight haircut.
Go in there with your fucking cowboy boots.
You know what it is?
Those fucking lunatics after all those years of riding bulls and shooting wild
boar.
They put them on that little fucking, what is that ride?
The centrifuge?
Turkish twist.
Whatever they put them in.
You know where your face starts doing this shit.
You know, they just said they're going,
It's going to take a lot more.
A lot more than that.
You know, going around in a circle to scare a redneck.
You know what I mean?
They're putting dynamite in old lawnmowers, blowing their legs off.
You seen that video?
I blew my leg off.
This guy blows his leg off and that's what he says.
I blew my leg off.
That's it?
Where's the screaming?
Oh my God, my life's off.
I'm going to bleed it out.
Get your belt.
And he's just like, I blew my leg off.
Probably called his mom.
Mom.
Mom's me.
I blew my leg off.
No, I'm not going to be home tonight.
I was trying to think of a good cowboy name.
It's Jesse.
I blew my leg off.
Jesse won't be here today.
He blew his leg off.
Shooting at an old tractor.
That's what this guy did.
He had an old fucking tractor.
He filled it up with this explosive.
And there's some sort of, like, you know, ratio.
For whatever pounds of explosives,
the amount of feet you have to be away from it.
And he didn't do that.
You know?
Like, when you put together something,
you just throw the directions out.
He did that with, like, fucking dynamite.
And he stuck it in an old lawnmower.
No, a riding mower.
Just that blade alone,
if that came flying at you,
would take your fucking head off.
And he's standing, you know.
Like, he already shot something,
and now he's just going for the kill shot.
Just walked right up to it.
Shoots the thing.
Your camera goes like that,
and he falls down.
And he just goes,
I blew my leg off.
You've got to tell that story
for the rest of your fucking life.
How'd you lose your leg?
Were you in Fallujah?
Nah.
I put a bunch of dynamite in an old tractor,
and I, I don't know,
it was about seven, eight feet away from it,
and I started shooting at it.
And, you know,
it blew up,
and, uh,
it took my leg with it.
Was it painful?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Were you screaming?
No.
What'd you do?
I just stated the obvious.
I blew my leg off.
It's like an endless character.
I'm going to come in your mouth.
No, he'd say it after.
I came in your mouth.
Oh, there's a fucking hotel.
We did it.
Yeah, yeah.
It was perfect.
This really isn't a tour
as much as I'm telling stories
because there's nothing to see here.
This is one of these areas
where they just put a bunch of shops
and they try to get human beings
to sort of gather.
We'll put an urban outfitter
as an anchor store.
Then we'll have a Chipotle.
What else do people like to do?
I don't know, man.
I've just always been a truth teller.
If there's just truth laying on the table,
I just got to say it.
My balls are stuck to my leg.
Can I start with a salad?
The overshare guy.
I don't even know what it is.
Chipotle.
There you go.
That's all the jogging that fat people do.
They run.
They try to make a light
to go into Chipotle.
I'm kidding.
They were going to see us.
Oh, Bill with the low...
Oh, stand up.
Look at it.
Stand up live.
Comedy theater.
From what I heard,
it's one of the biggest comedy clubs.
One of the biggest comedy clubs
in North America.
Rosie's fucking hilarious.
This shit he gets amped up about.
Dude, you know what I like?
You know what I like?
I like mustard.
Is there anything better
than mustard on a sandwich?
I mean, it's just...
It's crazy.
It's great.
Literally...
Like, as the listener,
it's like,
where do I take that conversation?
Well, gee, Paul,
what do you think about mayonnaise?
Don't like it.
Not a mayonnaise guy.
Where's the sandwich?
you

Bill Burr City Tours: Phoenix, AZ

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for another tour of cities
that I haven't done
in fucking years. I don't even know what I'm driving right now. This is one of
the worst
fucking cars. Look at the back of this car. There's no backup camera. I can't
see shit. Look at that
little side window there. I've almost took out this guy on a bike and he
fucking freaked out
of me because what the fuck are you doing? I want to be like, well, I'm doing
what you
would be doing if you were in a car. You know, I'm not paying attention. I'm in
a fucking car.
So anyways, I'm in Phoenix, Arizona. Look at this. You got a sports town here,
right? Oh,
it's green light. Sorry. You got a sports town here. This is one of the worst
names for an
arena I've seen in a while. Talking Stick Resort Arena. You want to go down to
the Talking Sticks
fucking resort arena? That sounds like you're going to get like a massage or
something.
You got a parking garage there. Up here, you got your Chase Field. It's where
the, I wanted
to say Devil Rays, but it's the Diamondbacks. This is, you know what I like
about that place
whenever I drive by them? That's where they beat the Yankees in 2001 when even
I as a Red
Sox fan because it was right after 9-11. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll
root for
these. I'll root for them. You know, it's good for the city. And then they lost.
And I, it's
the first good feeling I had post 9-11 watching them lose. This is this weird
thing about this
city out here is this second, like you leave the downtown area, it just
immediately becomes
like Roadrunner Coyote shit. Should I head back towards the downtown area? Oh,
you know what's
big out here? Dogs getting out. Jesus Christ, that guy's bass is so fucking,
you know, it's
big out here is, other than really loud bass in the truck behind. It's
literally making
my ears itch. I don't even, I can't even do this part of the video. You know
what's funny
about that? It's shaking his whole car and he's just like, just fucking up his
suspension.
All of it is just, just gradually coming loose. It's like he's driving over a pothole
when he's
sitting still. Why would you have it that loud? Dude, I got a fucking sick
sound system.
Not even a bass player would have the bass that loud. You know, you don't want
to hear the
other instruments. Is there anything worse than a bass solo? You can't fucking
hear it. I remember
Billy Sheenan would always fucking after Steve Vai and David Lee Roth. Steve
Vai would be
doing all this fucking shit. And then he'd come up and basically do the same
thing. It was just like,
you're like, what the fuck? Anyway, you know what's the big thing out here? Is,
uh,
little dogs going missing. You can't leave the gate open out here. There's just
too many, you know,
there's too many coyotes, snakes. I don't know what the fuck gets them out here.
Pedophiles.
There's always a sexual predator on the desert, right? I think this is the
number one place
that, uh, sexual predators after they get out of jail. You know, this is where
they usually
settle down in the downtown Phoenix area. You know, just like looking at all
the sweaty kids.
I don't know why I'm saying that. I'm sorry. Um,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not your music.
Yes.
Not over yet.
We can't still fucking do it.
I heard a country song about a guy. He was, he was, he was singing about him
and his dad flying F-15s.
The man, my dad flew AF-15s. It's like, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. They
would never let
let that accent into that fucking billion dollar aircraft, whatever it costs.
You know, remember Top Gun? Nobody had a Southern accent in that, did they?
All those Chip and Dales looking guys, they all had like the Midwest accent,
didn't they?
You know, what's funny is I actually like this place, but there's just nothing
like it.
Oh my God.
Jesus Christ.
That's just a whole other level.
All right, don't, don't, don't, don't show his head.
My God.
Dude, he was dressed like a toddler.
You know, he basically had on a onesie.
All right, now we're getting to real Phoenix.
I showed you the nice area. Here we go.
I think I saw that in No Country for Old Men.
Look at this McDonald's.
They don't even have a playground.
Now I have this here.
This is the America that Trump connected with.
Right?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He's literally a hobo.
All right, there's a guy sitting in the back of a pickup truck.
I mean, this is like, this guy's a legit hobo.
Back in the days, he'd be riding in boxcars, but I guess trains don't exist
anymore.
I love how you're afraid of him.
You won't even look at him.
He keeps catching us.
You got to know if you're sitting in the back of that lady, he's drinking out
of his jug.
You're looking at a guy.
That guy has no social security number.
See that, everybody?
Perfectly good white guy.
Look what happened.
You make the wrong decisions in life, you know?
You end up in the back of a pickup truck in Phoenix, Arizona.
Just hanging on for dear life.
Fucking guy with a metal detector.
It was a weed whacker.
Oh, I thought it was a metal detector.
Loan max.
Cash loans on car titles.
Jesus Christ.
How does that even work?
You come down, you have your title in your car.
I'm going to take my title in there in exchange for cash, and then I'm going to
go to the track.
That's what I'm going to do.
There you go.
Horizontal strikes.
Horizontal strikes.
He's liking his body.
Something about being broken, this type of heat, it just fucking beats the shit
out of you.
Dude, is there one car in this area that does not look stolen?
Oh, here we go.
We're breaking out of urban sprawl.
Here's the landfill.
This is the end of this, this is the end of this shit.
All right, here we go.
Uplifting.
Look at this poor bastard.
Walking to work.
Because he brought his title down because he went to the track.
Little riverbed here.
Some Clint Eastwood shit, right?
Pale rider.
Why would you advertise Brooklyn bedding here?
These people are fucking sleeping on the ground.
Maybe it's for all the people like me driving through it, right?
All of us privileged people.
You guys like that I wear a sweater?
This is my new thing to keep myself calm.
I wear sweaters.
I wear dad jeans, you know?
A pair of shell toes for a little flair.
And this is a Duke Blue Devil hat, you know?
I know.
Some of you are going to be like, when the fuck did you become a fan?
Yeah, about three weeks ago when I went to a game.
It was phenomenal.
Look at that right there.
That's something Richard Rawlings would buy on Gas Monkey Garage.
I keep walking up to that and he always has the other guy talk first.
And, you know, just be like, so, uh, what are you thinking?
I don't know.
I was thinking like 10 grand.
I can't do 10 grand.
And the guy's like, well, what are you thinking?
I mean, I was thinking like four.
This is where they grow all their weed.
Is weed legal in Arizona?
There's no way it's legal.
There's no way.
They don't even celebrate.
They don't even celebrate Martin Luther King Day.
There's no way they let you smoke a joint.
Pawn shops are so fucking overrated.
Pawn shops are so overrated.
When you watch, what's that?
What's that?
Pawn show.
Pawn stars.
Pawn stars.
Yeah, when you watch Pawn star, you think you're going to go in there.
There's going to be like a Super Bowl ring.
You're like an Indian motorcycle.
And you get in there.
It's just, it's like a Casio keyboard.
Somebody's old apron.
It's like, where is all the good shit?
Cars, twos, silver.
What does that say?
Cold guns?
What?
Gold guns.
Gold, gold guns.
Gold space guns.
Oh, okay.
Say, fucking Roger Moore must have had a rough week.
Like, I believe that's a hospital.
If you get sick, I guess you go over there.
You know, as you do.
That's the fucking worst.
There's no way.
When I get older, there's no way I'm going, I'm not dying in a hospital.
I'm not fucking dying in there listening to the respirator.
The person next to me with that smell.
I hate hospitals.
You know, I got, you know, I got my affairs in order.
And one of them is just like, you know, when I'm in a bad way, pull the fucking
plug.
I'm not going to be laying there like in that Metallica video.
Because everybody's fucking talking around me.
I don't, I think I saw it move his toe.
Can you hear my voice in there?
And I'm just thinking on a loop all day.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Kill me.
I don't care if I'm going to hell.
Let's just get it.
Let's just get on with it.
Ready to meet the devil.
What could be worse than just laying there in your fucking head?
You know, right?
As you feel yourself dying.
Oh, good.
I feel myself.
I'm starting to die.
And then you just feel injecting nutrition into your arm.
Can you cry when you're in a coma?
Can that happen?
I don't know.
I wonder if that's a good taco.
Hey, let's find a good place to get something to eat.
Best, best.
You want to get a taco?
I don't know about this place.
Inventive burritos.
Inventive burrito means a white guy's making it.
Mexican infused.
What do they have against cutting the grass out in these fucking desert places?
Church's Chicken, KFC, AutoZone, Big Bend Parliament.
It's the same fucking 12 stores.
You know what it is about broke areas?
In the southwest versus the east coast.
At least the land is lush back on the east coast.
This shit just looks so fucking dead.
It's like tumbleweeds and stuff.
It just looks extra broke.
Hey, my dad's a fucking F-15.
Oh yeah, just still have your cowboy hat on.
There's like a thing if you fly like F-15, you also have to be like good
looking.
You know what I mean?
You can't come in there with that fucking country bumpkin bullshit.
You gotta lose that accent.
Get yourself a little high and tight haircut.
Go in there with your fucking cowboy boots.
You know what it is?
Those fucking lunatics after all those years of riding bulls and shooting wild
boar.
They put them on that little fucking, what is that ride?
The centrifuge?
Turkish twist.
Whatever they put them in.
You know where your face starts doing this shit.
You know, they just said they're going,
It's going to take a lot more.
A lot more than that.
You know, going around in a circle to scare a redneck.
You know what I mean?
They're putting dynamite in old lawnmowers, blowing their legs off.
You seen that video?
I blew my leg off.
This guy blows his leg off and that's what he says.
I blew my leg off.
That's it?
Where's the screaming?
Oh my God, my life's off.
I'm going to bleed it out.
Get your belt.
And he's just like, I blew my leg off.
Probably called his mom.
Mom.
Mom's me.
I blew my leg off.
No, I'm not going to be home tonight.
I was trying to think of a good cowboy name.
It's Jesse.
I blew my leg off.
Jesse won't be here today.
He blew his leg off.
Shooting at an old tractor.
That's what this guy did.
He had an old fucking tractor.
He filled it up with this explosive.
And there's some sort of, like, you know, ratio.
For whatever pounds of explosives,
the amount of feet you have to be away from it.
And he didn't do that.
You know?
Like, when you put together something,
you just throw the directions out.
He did that with, like, fucking dynamite.
And he stuck it in an old lawnmower.
No, a riding mower.
Just that blade alone,
if that came flying at you,
would take your fucking head off.
And he's standing, you know.
Like, he already shot something,
and now he's just going for the kill shot.
Just walked right up to it.
Shoots the thing.
Your camera goes like that,
and he falls down.
And he just goes,
I blew my leg off.
You've got to tell that story
for the rest of your fucking life.
How'd you lose your leg?
Were you in Fallujah?
Nah.
I put a bunch of dynamite in an old tractor,
and I, I don't know,
it was about seven, eight feet away from it,
and I started shooting at it.
And, you know,
it blew up,
and, uh,
it took my leg with it.
Was it painful?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Were you screaming?
No.
What'd you do?
I just stated the obvious.
I blew my leg off.
It's like an endless character.
I'm going to come in your mouth.
No, he'd say it after.
I cam