Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-16
Uploaded: 2017-04-01T00:44:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-01. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How are you? How's your week going? Oh, back to the grind. Huh? Back to the
fucking grind. You too? Oh, yeah? How was your time off? Did you have a nice
holiday? Did you? Did you?
Did you? Oh, yeah? How old is she now? Really? Really? Can I jerk off to her
yet? Just kidding. I'll see you at break. All right.
Huh? You having those fucking conversations? Oh, the holidays are over, and it's
back to the grind, sitting in traffic going to your cubicle. I think I'm going
to kill my boss if I don't drive into the wall.
I actually had a fucking panic attack, not a semi-panic attack, sort of like I
fucking nosedived into a bit of a depression yesterday, just thinking another
fucking year. Here we go. Here we go again.
Here we fucking go again.
Uh, we have a, uh, mechanical problem with the, uh, aircraft. We're just going
to, uh, pull over here on the, uh, tarmac. We have a, uh, landing light that is,
uh, inoperable at this, uh, moment. We're going to sit tight here and wait till,
uh, the mechanics come out here, which I do not have a estimated time on at
this point.
But, uh, when we do get some more information, we'll, uh, get back to you as
soon as we can. And, uh, until then, uh, once again, we apologize for the delay
and, uh, uh, just trying to sit back and relax the best you can. Uh, I'm going
to try to keep the air on. Uh, apologize if it gets a little hot back there.
Another fucking year of that. Another fucking year of that. The shows are great.
It's the getting, the getting to the shows. Um, oh God, people taking their
fucking shoes. I look, if you take your shoes off and you have socks on, I
fucking get it. All right. Just don't rub your feet together. I've talked about
it before.
I'm actors. Can you not rub your fucking feet together? Foot, foot, foot, foot,
foot, foot. It fucking drives me nuts. I just, uh, I just want to punch the
back of the fucking chair. Um, anyways, uh, what is going on with me?
I'm going to be on the cow calling cow herd show, uh, today, hyping, uh,
efforts for family. I'm going into Netflix today and we're going to do our
little song and dance and pitch them our season arc for, uh, season two.
Basically. Uh, that's what you do. After you do the first one and they go, Hey,
yeah, we're pretty good. Pretty good. But now where are you going to go? Where
are you going to go with it now? And then you got to get in there. He does this.
She does that.
Give us some more fucking money, please. And then they go, Oh, we'll think
about it. Then everybody walks out going, I think that went good. You think it
went good? I think it went good. I don't know. We're here. When should we hear?
Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest. Uh, we want to thank everybody for, uh,
flying a friend of skies here today. Uh, fortunately we're, uh, dealing with a
little bit of weather in the, uh, Dallas Fort Worth area. Uh, we're number 72
in line.
um unfortunately there's really nothing we could do here be patient we're gonna
try to make up some
time when we're in the air you're gonna try to fly a little faster um burn a
little more fuel
we're gonna try to put our own hole in the ozone layer you know another year of
that but you know
what else you know sometimes you know i don't know every once in a while i just
fucking drive
down the street i just see a homeless guy laying on the sidewalk sleeping you
know and as much as
uncomfortable as is you just look and just like you know i would fucking love
to do that right now
just pull over and lay down on the ground and take a fucking nap now i don't
want to live outside
and granted i know that that homeless guy is sleeping during the day because at
night
that's when the people come up out of the sewer drains like in fucking uh
escape from new york
you know because they have to feed so when you're homeless you got to be up at
night
you know a lot of people is bum taking a nap in the middle of the fucking
afternoon that's because at
night right he's having like a fucking you know a two by four fight fighting
off right he's dealing
with that shit so uh but i like the nap part of it i'm actually looking at the
homeless guy's life
the way a woman looks at a man's life like that looks i want to do that i don't
want to pay the price
for it but i'd like that in my life
equal rights oh i am in a fucking mood um all right i go on facebook because i'm
an old white
guy i love i love the facebook i absolutely love it i didn't give a fuck that
even if i delete my
account they never delete it because of that creepy cunt who i judge by the
actor who played him i don't even
know what the real zuckerberg looks like is that his name oh i fucked up the
other day i said lamar
lundy instead of lamar hunt he was the original owner of the of the uh dallas
texans lamar lundy was
part of the fearsome foursome and what's funny is that's the fucking name i can
never remember
you know when they go name the fearsome you know when they go name the fearsome
foursome i'm always like all right rosie greer merlin osin
uh dink jones and
lamar lundy's like the bass player in a huge band right you can never name the
bass player you know
unless they're really if they're unless they're like one of those front man
bass players like steve harris
you know billy sheenan you know back in the day john and twistle you know or
they play in a trio
because then you only have to remember three names but if they play in a band
of four or more people
you just can never remember the bass player's name you know lamar lundy is that
all right
what's what's the front floor for the steelers i don't think i could name that
was me joe green
lc greenwood dwight white and uh
and the bass player what the fuck was his name it's a great name too
oh that's a fucking shame i'm gonna have to look that up i have to look that up
like you can't
disrespect the fucking 70s steelers they went four and oh in titles you can't
you can't disrespect
the team you know whose fan base i'm not gonna get into it all right where we
go
steelers front four there's a bunch of people in fucking uh there's a bunch of
people in pittsburgh
right now screaming at their fucking the steel curtain who were they the steel
curtain yada yada yada
yada yada me joe green lc ernie fucking holmes what a great name
ernie holmes
who's coming down tonight ernie holmes you know he's gonna be at least six five
um anyways
there aren't any man's names left anymore do they
this is coming from a guy named bill
won't you come home bill bailey
um
let's go back here what i didn't want oh here's what i wanted to talk about
the uh
the los angeles rams the st louis rams
slash los angeles rams slash cleveland rams
huh
slash cleveland rams they're coming back there
coming
back
i'm so psyched that they're coming back i'm so psyched that it was the rams
and not the chargers or the raiders
the raiders i'm so fucking excited
okay
la does not need the chargers
or
the raiders
we don't need them
stay away
okay
la needs the rams
blue and yellow
the rams
the los angeles rams
that's what they need
they don't need
they don't need the fucking
they don't need to bring the raiders
if you bring the raiders back
the city of los angeles
if you bring the raiders back
you're basically signing off on the fact
that someone's gonna get stabbed or shot
it's just it's a fact
just watch the 30 for 30
on the fucking los angeles rams
the one that ice cube
uh
narrates
the way he's talking and all that shit
it's fucking
it's actually inadvertently like hilarious
it's just
the level of like
la doesn't need
you don't
you don't fucking need it
somebody's gonna
like
they can't handle
they can't handle those colors
they can't handle the pirate
on the side
keep it in fucking oakland
where people just dress up
like it's gonna be a musical
and even then
somebody got shot
at a fucking
49ers raiders
like a pregame thing
you don't need it
you know
it's funny
everybody always talks about
the philly fans
and how east coast fans
oh yankees
red sox
it's nothing compared
to out here
people die out here
guy went to a fucking
dodgers game with this kid
and had on a giants jersey
and he had
he has brain damage
for the rest of his
fucking life
because this fucking
two
two guys jumped him
while his kids
sat there and watched
that was at a fucking
baseball game
the rams
that's it
hi
we're the rams
perfect
you don't need
the autumn wind
was a raider
you don't need to bring that
to the inland empire
you don't need to do that
I'm telling you
and
I'm basing charger fans
on the one fucking
charger game
that I fucking went to
and
I
you know
me and lawhead
almost got into a fight
when we were there
and I was rooting
for the chargers
I just had a patriots hat on
it was an old school
patriots hat
it was all fucking beat up
they were playing
the fucking colts
I'm cheering the chargers
that alone
I mean
I expected to get
a little bit of shit
right
a little bit of shit
but to get to the point
that it's going to be
a physical confrontation
and somebody dumps
a beer on you
and that type of shit
oh my bad
but they did it on purpose
like
yeah fuck that
keep those fucking animals
where they're at
keep them where they're at
like just
you know
keep the Rocky Horror
picture show
in the end zone
keep that up
in fucking
Oakland
plus it's the Oakland Raiders
that's their fucking team
I'm kind of giving
I inadvertently giving
Oakland shit
I don't mean to do that
it's the Oakland Raiders
all right
they came down here before
they tried to make it
in Hollywood
they couldn't
you know
they got a couple of
guest stars
on the fall guy
you know
then they did an episode
of Full House
and then it just
sort of dried up for them
and then they
they put their tail
between their legs
they went back home
they took over
their dad's business
I don't understand
why are they coming back
and why everybody
all at once
all of a sudden
everybody wants to come here
we've been sitting here
for 20 fucking years
without a team
now all of a sudden
everybody wants to come back
the Rams should come back
they're Los Angeles's team
all right
now I know the Chargers
started here in LA
like their first
first year or two
on the AFL
but
yeah
keep them down
in San Diego
you know
San Diego
you know what I understand
about San Diego
San Diego is a great place
it's one of the most
mellow
great places
when you go down there
you're like
this is everything
that LA should be
it's chill
it's fucking relaxed
you got the weather
this is great
it's not the grind of LA
that's what San Diego
feels like
when I go down there
I fucking love it
but then for whatever
fucking reason
you go to a sporting event
and these people
turn into fucking maniacs
not at Padre games
just at Charger games
they just
they're fucking animals
I don't know
maybe if they built them
a nicer stadium
and then they gave them
a mascot
I have no idea
but I do think
it's really fucked up
that
you know
the Raiders are gonna leave
you know
and the Chargers
are gonna leave
and
St. Louis is leaving
basically because
they don't like their stadiums
and they're throwing
a fucking temper tantrum
it's
the NFL is so fucked up man
it's sports in general
that they do that to people
it's like dude
it's your league
it's your fucking business
you know what I mean
you don't like
your fucking place of work
you know
build another one
I don't know
there's
but there's no way
to organize people
to get them
to stand up
to owners
right
like I remember
hearing when I was
working in Indianapolis
in Indianapolis
you know
they played at the
I was at the Hoosier Dome
or whatever
when they were building
that Lucas Oil Field
this taxi driver
when I was there
was telling me
that
that
the city
they weren't even
done paying off
the RCA Dome
or whatever the fuck
they called it
they weren't even
done paying that off
and then they had
this fucking thing
if you've never been
to Indianapolis
I don