Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-17
Uploaded: 2017-04-03T19:21:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-03. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday april
3rd 2017 what's going on how are you how's it going oh a little white guy def
jam voice
little white guy def jam voice huh taking you back through a little comedy
history
remember that the height of black guys do this white guys do that it was always
that fucking voice you ever see a white guy stand in a chair or sit in a chair
oh i mean a black guy when he sits in a chair he sits in the motherfucking
chair white guy said
oh jeez i gotta sit out here should i do my taxes every fucking joke crushed
fucking crushed that was
the black comic version of white guys going talking about flying on airplanes
or comparing dogs to cats
that's more like it you know dog's your friend a cat doesn't fucking you know
that's actually still
not a complimentary voice for a white guy but i don't think that was a
complimentary voice for a
black guy so i think i'm in the clear when it comes to political correctness um
oh my god what a
fucking weekend i had man i had a great time you know i had a great time i
watched the fucking bruins
pick up four points this weekend all right and put themselves back into the
driver's seat
at least of their own destiny all right by beating the florida fucking panthers
and thank god the chicago blackhawks had the decency to rest most of the good
guys in their team uh we
were able to pick up another two points so thank you to the city of chicago um
next deep dish is on me
if i run into you not the whole fucking city just one of you fatties what are
you mustachioed fatties
from that snl sketch i don't think i've ever seen a guy with a mustache in chicago
you know um anyways
i never heard one say that bears never heard that never heard it um although i
don't talk to a lot of
them i just kind of go there and stand in front of their performing and then i
leave that's basically
what i do which is one of my favorite things to fucking do by the way there's
nothing there's
there's nothing better than when you do your show the second you do it you get
in the car and you get
the fuck out of there that's my favorite thing to do you know either that or go
to a dive bar and hang
out like with three people that's the way i'm fucking wired um that's perfect
be honest with you there's
certain people they like to hang out you know what i mean go wade into the
crowd you know continue
continue to say how awesome i am i don't do that i got it for that hour perfect
then you get in the
car it's nice and quiet it's quiet you just ride home you know and you go into
your hotel room
right sit down you avoid the snack bye right and uh and then that's it and you
just sit there
and the loneliness of your room
that's most reason why i drink on the road to be honest with you that's all you're
doing is you're
just trying to stay out as long as you can so you're so tired that when you get
back to your
room you just immediately fall asleep rather than dealing with the loneliness
of it but um
i don't know i had such a great weekend man i played a little bit of drums hung
out with my
beautiful daughter you know she's a riot she's bossy as hell oh my god she's
already telling us what to
do with just like the noises that she knows how to make um yeah she's gonna be
a little smarty just
like my wife she's adorable as hell obviously you know i'm a little biased but
uh that's kind of you
you know you know when people are lying you know if what your kid oh hey what a
cutie
i feel like we're getting like legit compliments so anyways can anybody out
there in the hockey world
explain to me
like uh how this like what seed you are works in the playoff bracket like i don't
get it because um
it used to be like the adams division and the patrick division and one played
four
and then they sort of jumbled them all up it seems like when they list them as
far as like
i don't get when you go to the standings thing because i would have thought is
as a sixth or a
seventh seed whatever the we're going to be we'd either play the capitals or
the blue jackets you
know the the top of that one but they're kind of doing like a march madness
thing where it's like
we're in like a different thing so for some reason we get off easy or i should
say and have
to play the maple leafs rather than getting the old right there fred from the
capitals of the blue
jackets not saying that we're going to beat toronto i have no idea what's going
to happen but
according to the uh stanley cup playoff here on on nhl.com um as of today
the montreal canadians with claude julia julian would play the new york rangers
so they're number one seed and then they would get the wild card new york rangers
and then the
bruins would play the maple leafs little original six action there for you on
those both of those huh
then the capitals would play ottawa and pittsburgh plays columbus like pittsburgh
gets punished
shouldn't they be playing an easier fucking team with the points they have i
would think
one of the bottom feeders so that's great i love that pittsburgh or the columbus
will knock
each other out will knock one of the other out i should say and uh i don't know
i don't know what's
going to go is the capitals finally going to push through this year is it
finally going to happen
you know you know it would be the fucking armageddon finals would be the washington
capitals versus the
san jose sharks you know can one of them has to win right like the cubs versus
the indians
somebody's got to win and i bet it would go down the exact same way one would
go up three to one
you know they just got to add that last bit of misery and then someone would
come back and win it
i don't know i don't know what the i'm talking about all i know is i really
enjoyed um
obviously this weekend and if we can play the tampa bay lightning on tuesday
and
and put them out of their goddamn misery um i think we would avoid three years
in a row of uh
you know eating a dick at the end of march and beginning of april we've done it
two years in a row so
uh that's it that's it for the hockey talk oh by the way i don't know what his
name is but that kid
on calgary uh he's keith to chuck his kid out there that kid's a riot man he's
an old school hockey
player i was watching uh what do they have there with the uh don cherry hockey
night in canada we
actually get that down here and he was showing a highlight of that kid you know
picking on that dude
from the kinks and don cherry's breaking his balls and it's just like they're
trying to make the
playoffs he's not going to get involved in some stupid fight right they drew
dowdy they need him
on the ice i would think anyways drew dowdy the dave growl of uh of hockey
to me they're the exact same person when dave growl's not making amazing music
he's playing defense for the los angeles kings i challenge you i challenge you
to find dave growl ever
at a game where where where drew dowdy is not a uh a healthy scratch um all
right enough of that
um i can't even tell to you about my weekend some of this other oh my god i
hung up with
you ever hang out with just like a complete psychopath oh it's one of those
social events you're like oh no
there he is there he is um and then it's over and then it's the next day like
oh great you know
god willing i'll never have to see that person again
hey how the are the celtics the number one seat i didn't watch in the last two
weeks i kind of got
you know you know with hockey and uh basketball you kind of got like a pick a
sport you know
i've been you know i've been trying to watch both of them but um the bruins
were just in a more uh
you know i don't know precarious position so it was more of a uh exciting thing
to watch are they
gonna this up are they gonna somehow pull themselves out of it and uh somehow
the celtics are a number
one seed although i don't think they're a better team than the cavaliers but uh
i like what lebron
did the other night last night when he got into it on the court and that made
that other dude on his
stone team flipping out yelling at him and shit he immediately tried to diffuse
it and then just
saying yeah i showed him up i shouldn't have said that blah blah blah blah and
i was like that's a
leader right there even though a lot of people don't like him i like lebron um
so anyways dude i've just been having like i don't know i gotta get back into
fucking meditating i don't know i just keep running into these situations like
i feel like i'm
i'm attracting them to me like somebody's this new york number has been calling
me
for like the last fucking three days and then i'm like i don't know who this
number is so i don't
answer and then they finally leave a message and just say yeah hey this is so
and so you know i'm
looking for so and so but it keeps saying uh you know this is bill uh on the on
the thing but
my phone is saying you know it's my daughter
so i'm like all right well this guy's gonna figure this shit out right and he
does it so
he finally right before he did the podcast he calls again so i finally picked
up i go hello
the guy's like yeah who is this that i'm talking to i'm like well it's not who
you think it is yeah
you got the wrong number and he goes yeah well fuck you too and he hangs up on
me like like it was my
fault so i just laugh and i'm just like what the fuck why does this keep
happening to me so then
he calls back and i'm like well i gotta hear what this guy's gonna say next
right i need a new hour
of material i gotta put myself in the line of fire here so i pick up he goes
yay man i'm sorry man i
just i lost my phone and i keep trying to call my daughter and you know my name's
bill and it keeps
saying your name's bill and it's you gotta see the humor in that right i'm like
yeah man it's it's a
uh it's a funny situation uh good luck to you with your phone i don't know i
don't know what to tell
you sounded like a nice enough person i love that he said yeah well fuck you
too and he still had the
fucking nerve to call me back and then just say act like it didn't even he didn't
say that maybe he was
just joking when he said it i just like i don't know so anyways this past week
so i'm at this social
event i'm trying to avoid this psycho and he ends up sitting right next to me
and i'm talking to this
guy and for 10 minutes all of a sudden i can't find my cell phone and i'm
looking for it and i'm looking
for it and i'm not bringing it up to anybody because i'm thinking like maybe i
left it in the car i don't
know what and i realized that this psycho has placed his cell phone exactly
right on top of mine
on the table like completely lined up and mine has a black case and was kind of
dark so i couldn't see
it and then i had to sit there playing this fucking mind game like did this guy
do this on purpose am i
over analyzing this thing am i out of my mind and uh i don't know then it the
whole thing just struck me
as funny thinking of how my life used to be because i used to have people like
that in my life
you know those people that mind you and then like an hour later hey i'm sorry i
wasn't
that that wife beater relationship you got to get into them
ah yeah which is of course how the evening ends with that oh yeah yeah yeah no
hey it's all right
everything's cool and i just walked out of there and just felt like this weight
lift off me just be
like i'm never gonna see that person again i have no desire that is it that is
a wrap if i have learned
anything from hanging out with uh a couple i have two good friends of mine that
are both half sicilian
and um when applied correctly the sicilian you're dead to me when applied
correctly is the greatest
fucking it just streamlines your life why would you waste another second of
your life playing that mental
tennis with something like you obviously don't connect with this person over
and you just walk away and
then that's it and like today i just woke up i was in the greatest fucking mood
knowing i'm never gonna
see that person again it's fuc