Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-16
Uploaded: 2017-04-07T18:02:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-07. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-16

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking it on you i can't yell it i am in
new york city right
now and i'm it's late i forgot you know today was thursday and i had to do the
podcast so i
apologize for it being late i um i don't know i i uh i don't know i wasn't
thinking the fuck do you
want from me and all of a sudden i landed and i got a bunch of tweets from
people going dude i thought
you're gonna check in on me i was like oh i'm letting people down i'm letting
you down so here
i am i'm checking into so now you're gonna hear it on friday unless you're some
lonely bastard on the
west coast you know still up or some lonely lady um anyway so i just got here
to new york because
i'm doing foxwoods this weekend and um since i left new york my neighborhood
has become extremely gay
and i don't mean it in the way that all the gay people don't like when you say
that neighborhood's
gay like it stinks i mean like literally gay i mean men attracted to men you
know there's gay guys up and
down this tripping over each other and let me tell you something nobody's
complaining honey right so
here's the deal when when gays move into your neighborhood there's three
stereotypes that
everybody says you know when gay people move into the neighborhood these are
the three things everybody
says right they say number one all right what do they say they say the
neighborhood's going to become
safer right number two they say property values are going to go up and number
three they say there's
going to be all these great new restaurants and holy the cuisine's going to be
unbelievable thank
god the gay showed up now this neighborhood can you know live up to its
potential well they showed up
definitely got safer definitely less shady all right so check on the first one
stereotype number two uh the fuck did i say it was the property value would go
up yeah it did but
i miss new york it goes up everywhere but you know what you know what it's an
election year
i don't want to derail the podcast campaign i'll give you credit on that one
gay people
it got safer and the property values went up and then lastly all this great
cuisine was going to
come here and you know what it still hasn't shown up the food in my
neighborhood absolutely
fucking sucks and i am so sick of it okay god damn it i was told when these gays
showed up
that the fucking food was going to get better and i i think it not only has it
not gotten better it's
actually taking a nosedive i just went out and got a burrito right what kind of
asshole leaves los
angeles and then tries to get a burrito in new york you're listening to him
this all right the
burrito was fine you know chicken burrito whatever it's funny you know i looked
at the menu it was all
this i just looked at the the waiter i felt like i disappointed him i was like
can i
just get some chips and with guacamole salsa and like a just like a chicken burrito
and i just saw it in his eyes like oh you want white people mexican food and i
was like exactly
i am as white as it gets and i will have my mexican food as white as i am
please right
um and before you know mexican people write in and tell me that's not real mexican
food i understand
i get it all right whatever that's what the i wanted here's my question how do
you have all
these gay people walking up down the street you can't even make decent guacamole
how the
does that happen you know who do i blame in this are gay people slipping is it
because these are
the millennial gays and they're just emoji in each other you know i don't know
what's going on um
i'm blaming the gays i'm blaming you guys on this one all right whatever
pressure used to put on a
neighborhood you're not doing it anymore or what you decided not to do it in my
neighborhood i was so
you know the anticipation of once you guys descended on this one straight shady
neighborhood you know
and the rainbow flags came out and all this when the is the food truck getting
here that's
what i want to know pizza sucks the guacamole sucks the middle eastern food
sucks the whole
fucking it just sucks everything is just like it's
do you know how much i drink when i'm in my neighborhood it's just so the food
it's all like
just get shit-faced and didn't make it fill up that hole in your stomach
oh maybe that's why all these gay guys are in such great shape around here
they're cooking at home
ah that pisses me off i just had a goddamn
chicken burrito and guacamole this late at night so at my age you know i'll
probably have a heart
attack around 8 30 in the morning you know at least it could have tasted good
right
why is that button on now it's off i wonder if you guys can hear this
shit yeah whatever the fuck you gonna do i don't know why the fuck i bring my
mixer and all this stuff
god damn it i'm in a grumpy mood and i was in such a great mood there's nothing
worse than when you're
starving and you go out and you order a meal right
in a neighborhood that's now a gay neighborhood and it sucks i mean i'm talking
literally like the
two dudes next to me at the end of their meal right they like kissed each other
tenderly can i
at least get some decent guacamole how much care does it gotta be around here
for somebody get a decent burrito
so i learned something that stereotype is uh is not true just because they show
up doesn't mean the
chefs are gonna start fucking throwing down they're dropping the fucking ball
i'm not gonna lie to you when the two went to kiss okay as open-minded as i am
i have to admit i was
wearing a baseball cap and i tilted it down so i didn't see their lips meet you
know does that make
me a bad person if you're judging me can i just tell you that one of them look
like that that
scrawny little dude that j-lo married just imagine that guy kissing lenny kravitz
you know forgive me i didn't want to see it you know maybe that makes me a bad
person but whatever i
am a work in progress just like everybody else and i will have a decent bowl of
fucking guacamole you sons of bitches all right let's plow ahead here so um i
flew out this morning
and i actually have this app on my phone where i can listen to the control
tower and i'm just totally
nerding out you know every time i hear the tower talking about our plane i'm
sitting there he's talking
about us he just told us to go onto this little fucking taxiway or whatever you
know and um
so i'm flying up front right because at this point i i spent 20 years in the
back of the plane i'm not
i'm not fucking i'm not doing that anymore i don't give a shit if i lose money
on the gigs i'm flying up
front and for all you guys for 20 years i sat in the back of the plane looking
what goes on
on the other side of that curtain what happens up there what is that like you
know what happens up
there people spoiler alert you know what happens they treat you like a human
being that's what they
do they treat you the way they treat everybody in the commercials about their
airline right everybody's
smiling having a good fucking time you know you got a seat that's actually
comfortable there's nobody
leaning on you nobody breathing on you you're hungry they bring you food you're
thirsty they bring
you a drink they treat you like a person supposed to in the back right just jamming
you in there stuffing
you in there right so anyways so i bored first because you know i'm a fancy
fucking guy right so i
i'm bored right i can't say fancy guy jim norton says that fancy man i'm a uh i
don't know what i am
i'm a fucking jerk off right so i get on i get on the plane right and um
this fucking lady behind me all right the second she gets to her chair she just
starts yelling going
sir sir sir sir you know just yelling at this the fucking male stewardess and
he turns around he's like
yeah what's the problem because there's something wrong with my chair i don't
is this broken is it
broken like freaking the fuck out the guy's like no the other person just you
know whoever was sat in
this on the last flight didn't bring it all the way to the upright position oh
because i thought it
was broken you know and right there i immediately just fucking hated this woman
fucking be met you this the sniffles she kept sniffing and
shit didn't give a fuck about anybody and just i swear to god the shit that i
thought about her
because she sat up in the front of the plane i immediately judged her that she
was some rich
cunt meanwhile i'm sitting up there right
i know what she was thinking about me this bald red-headed fuck you know he
used his miles to get
up here um anyways oh jesus i'm sorry can i apologize early for the fucking
horrible
fucking mood i'm in right now i was in such a great fucking mood you know and i
was actually you
you know walking down the street here in manhattan just laughing looking at
these people so excited
that i left this fucking place people in their 20s look okay all right in manhattan
they just got
here it's still exciting okay but this this this city beats the fuck out of you
all right i've always
said you know if you can do it if you have a desire to do it at some point in
your life you got to come
here and live here just to do it because it really is one of the most amazing
cities you're ever going
to uh live in but you know what else is amazing about after you let you owe it
to yourself to live
here and you also owe it to yourself at some point to fucking leave i swear to
god dude the amount
of people that you see walking down the street that look like shut-ins that
finally just came
out of their cave of a goddamn apartment jesus christ i walk into my building
and there's this
lady standing there she looks like one of the patients on shutter island dark
circles under her
eyes her hat yanked down like one of those people that's like ageless it's like
are you 70 or 26 i
don't even know what you just your skin is gray right she's with this older
dude kind of look like me
to be honest with you a little chunkier you know probably a lot more jollier he's
probably not
bitching about the guacamole right and i'm fucking like hey excuse me as i go
hey how are you excuse
me as i go to walk by and she does like this weird like to get out of the
fucking way like oh my god
another human being and then as i go to walk away she starts singing in this
beautiful voice
as she walked out she had an amazing beautiful fucking voice i said so what
happened to you
jesus christ it was like the way she looked and then the sound that came out of
it was like haunting
then i felt like i was in one of those horror movies you know that now i'm in
and now i can't
get out you know what i mean she's actually a vampire is going to come by later
to feed
you know then i become her boyfriend forever because we're both vampires until
she gets sick of me
and finds a fucking i don't know a younger version of me that doesn't happen
right the
fucking red-headed male is never a love interest that doesn't happen in movies
you know do you hear
us bitching about it huh are we boycotting anything i don't think so we just trudge
on
trying to stay out of the sun that's what i feel like when i come into new york
everybody here just
go can you get some sun in your face something what's that vitamin you get when
the when the sun shines on
you it's one of those things that everybody just says in a bar oh yeah yeah
vitamin e sounds good
for you vitamin e you know not too much but you know it's good for you you know
what they say you
know what they say it raises your levels of oh is that what they say is that
what they say they're uh
guy with his name on his shirt what do you do what do you what do you unclog
during the course of the
day what are you talking medical here for me for me or to me why are you doing
that all right
you plumber i say that with extreme prejudice you know that's the one trade i
don't respect plumbing
you know because i go to home depot and i swear to god i can almost figure it
out elec