Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-17
Uploaded: 2017-04-18T20:04:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-18. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
april 17th 2017 what's going on how are you happy patriots day everybody um i
believe that only
what's my voice right now i believe that uh massachusetts is kind of the only
place that
takes patriots day off kind of sort of you know they have the boston marathon
right they usually
play a red socks game during the day for everybody doesn't want to fucking run
around or watch a bunch
of skinny people running down the damn street shitting themselves on hard break
hill every year
somebody shits themselves in that race you know that anytime there's a marathon
there's people that
push themselves so hard that they literally shit themselves as they're fucking
running up the hill
you know those runners they wear those little fucking nylon shorts and stuff so
there's nowhere for it to
go and these maniacs they just they just keep running with shit going down the
back of their legs like one
of those fucking horses they carry you know drags the newlyweds around the park
you know but even them
you know they put the tail up they fucking shoot it out oh he's going in early
with the shit jokes
everybody is this what it's gonna be is it literally gonna be a shit show um
yeah so whatever happy
patriots day to everybody i don't even know what patriots day is you know i don't
think it's about the
football team because it's not football season is this when we raise the banner
patriots day let's look
it up shall we people patriots day uh hashtag what the fuck is it why does it
automatically go to
fucking wikipedia even though i would have gone here all right then there's a
patriot day of film
starring mark mark walberg that's not what i was looking for fucking cocksuckers
i just don't understand
i had oh my god i had the worst day with my fucking phone like yesterday i
tried to update it
um you know and then it comes back on and then you need all your fucking
passwords and no matter how
much i type them in the way they're supposed to be it doesn't recognize it then
it shuts down my phone
then it's going hola bonjour guten tag and like 50 different fucking languages
and i can't i can't
i came so if i had not i haven't meditated in a month i'm not gonna lie to you
but i i if i hadn't
meditated so much in the beginning part of the year i would have broke my phone
in half i grabbed i turned
it sideways and i fucking started i started to do it i started to fucking break
it and i stopped
i did throw it at the couch into the cushions and i also did throw my laptop
into the they were all
into the cushions not overly you know it's funny when i lifted up the laptop i
felt the pain of my
rotator cuff so i could only throw it so hard it was really pathetic it was a
very pathetic display of
anger uh so you know i don't know my phone's still fucking with me you know i'm
trying to go into the
goddamn apple store here and they won't let me do it i don't understand these
you know apple is everybody
fucking loves this kind of company you know can somebody please fucking explain
to me why they're
so hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support is there a fucking
reason there's not a phone
number i can't talk to anybody they're like fuck you here's our product that
doesn't work go fuck
yourself we're not responsible for anything you don't know what we look like
you don't know where
we are don't even talk to me about those fucking apple stores with the people
walking around with
the genius t-shirts give me a fucking break oh that sounds says somebody just
came into my house
i hear it all the time so i mean it doesn't mean shit to me um anyways what if
that was like an anger
meter you know as i was getting up higher would ring and it would let me know
to come back down again
you know like an idiot light on some car that your engine's overheating anyways
fuck those apple stores
too all right those are dead dead it's all bullshit you're talking to low-level
people in the in the
company nobody who's fucking designing these goddamn things that end up being
fucked up is working at
that store you give them that stupid fucking shirt that says genius it should
say peon um and then
what do they got to deal with fucking balding hotheads like me who come walking
in going like dude where
the fuck did all my music go what did you put it on the cloud i don't want you
to have my stuff
fine i don't you know i should have never stopped getting cds all i know is
everything's fucked up
okay so now i'm signing into shit on my laptop my phone's talking to me going
hey somebody's signing
in on another device and there's no place for me to say yeah i know it's me and
then the laptop's
doing the same thing they're like it's like david lee roth and eddie van halen
it's like you guys
you were great together we had the band and now you're fucking breaking up and
you're talking shit
about each other and don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers i'm
supposed to punch in
because i did that too i went into my settings i i fucking hate the stupid uh
whatever clicked on my
name went into passwords typed the fucking number that they just sent me into
the thing and they said
they didn't recognize it and then they freeze up my phone freeze up my phone
like i'm working in the
pentagon or something
like i'm some fucking general i'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to
some fucking hair metal
from the 80s you know while i get on a treadmill it's all i'm trying to do here
you know what it is it's it's fucking it's incestuous
you know how really rich people want to keep the money in their family you know
so they just sort of
they sort of breed with the same five families i've talked to this before so it's
why you know
you look at the kennedys it's like they're they're good looking from the
forehead down to like the
mouth area and then they smile and it's whoa you know starts looking like they
should be playing a
fucking banjo
you know so it's the same thing with technology technology used to be a radio
was a radio over
there's my stereo that over there is the dishwasher right
slash made um
sorry i was just thinking about the time i was talking about and then you had
your walkmans
right then the walkman also had a fucking radio and a phone was a phone and now
they've all for
they've all just been gangbanging right this big fucking caligula fucking fisting
technological
i don't know what they're all the same goddamn thing now everything everything
is just on those
fucking things and i i don't know it's ridiculous so what i ended up doing i i
after i i started to
like it was weird like i had these strength signals sent from all the way to
like my wrists i didn't let
it get to my hands i felt the anger go all like it's like the hulk right the
fucking my arms turned
green all the way down to my wrists and i just i stopped myself from breaking
it in half but i have
to tell oh god that would have been such a great feeling to just snap there has
to be youtube videos
of people snapping their fucking phones in half um what i did was i just said
fuck that phone
fuck the laptop and i had a drum lesson and i got in my truck and i just
fucking drove over and yeah
i can admit you know what it was kind of fucking nice not having a phone you
know i wasn't looking
at text messages while driving i wasn't doing any of that type of shit trying
to fucking scroll to the
next goddamn song none of that shit i just was i don't know driving a car like
i used to talking to
myself and um then i came back calmed down i tried it again and about i don't
know maybe the 17th attempt
i got it to work again and uh i just got it as you know as great as these are
and my ability to
communicate with you guys and everything like that you know i i still would
have been all right
without these things i could have made it the old-fashioned way as a comedian
where you just keep
doing the clubs and doing the clubs then i do a guest spot on the hollywood
squares right next to paul
lind you know maybe do a fucking tonight show and i just keep building up i
could have made it that
way i didn't need all of this shit all this shit that these fucking yolo douches
you know selfies and
then the the picture you take that it takes sort of a video but it's a picture
but it's also a video
you know these flying squirrel suits i mean i don't know
what is it you just have to do shit that other people didn't do
is that what it is i don't fucking know you know back in the day you know what
it was back in the day
you fucking did the clubs until you built up enough of the following on your
own that you headline clubs
and then maybe you got an hour special then you know now if you're a middle act
you need an hour
special to headline like the whole thing is i just feel like this old man like
this is not how it used
what's the deal with everything all right patriots day everybody um patriots
day
where is it patriots day in massachusetts and wisconsin and patriots day in maine
is an official
state holiday commemorating the anniversary of the battles of lexington and
concord
well what the fuck does maine and wisconsin have to do with that the first
battles of the american
revolution or or does does is maine and wisconsin the only other two fucking
states that respect our
holiday the holiday was originally celebrated on april 19th the actual
anniversary of the battles
fought in 1775 since 1969 it has been observed on the third monday in april in
massachusetts and
don't let's get a three-day weekend out of it you know fuck the 19th just make
sure it's on a monday
it's also the first day of a vacation week for public schools in both states
in both states and a school holiday for many local colleges and universities
both public and private
the day is a public school observance day in wisconsin florida law also
encourages people to celebrate it
like those fucking people needed an encouragement to celebrate anything else
you're fucking celebrating like every day's patriots day fucking meth day um
though it is not treated as a
public holiday observances and reenactments of battles occur occur i remember
going to one of those
when i was a kid i thought those people were cool as shit shooting the guns and
pretending to die and
all that stuff i thought it was awesome then i got older and i was like yeah i
mean if that's what
he's in too all right the boston marathon is run on patriots day every fucking
year therefore sometimes
the holiday is referred to as marathon monday the boston red socks have been
scheduled have been
scheduled to play at home in fenway park on patriots day every year since 1959
the games are postponed due to weather in 59 61 65 67 and 84 do i need all of
this all right we got it okay
we got it so that's what it is it's commemorating the first battles of the
american revolutions
in uh lexington and in concord i thought gettysburg was the first one that wasn't
the first one
oh that was a civil war oh my god shaking my head shut up you fucking wikipedia
reading cunt
nobody gives a fuck about your war knowledge did you fight in it well then shut
up
all right you know it's funny before i came in here right i was watching the celtics
lose
it's a fresh loss i'm i'm taping this uh sunday night uh celtics loss to uh a
giant jamie fox
and the chicago bulls dude that butler guy looks like jamie fox circa like
somewhere in the 90s
in living color and uh you know fucking brutal game brutal game brutal game but
it was also you know
with isaiah losing his sister and stuff it was kind of like uh the the drama of
the game was
definitely just looked at that's just a fucking game look what this guy's going
through but the
bulls as much as they're in eighth seat you know let's go a little sports
morning talk radio i'll tell
you you know these chicago bulls as much as they're in a seat they have a lot
of veteran presence and
in your experience uh with your dwayne wayne with your rondo and yeah it's not
going to be an ea