Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-17
Uploaded: 2017-04-28T21:13:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-28. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm
just checking in on you. How are you? How's it going? I'm actually doing great
despite the that cough I just did. It wasn't a real cough. I just, you know, I've
I've I've run out of unique ways to say I'm just checking in on you. I try to
do it a little bit differently and I got nothing left.
I don't know what you want from me. Anyways, let's get on. Let's get on with
the podcast here. You know, this is just a quick one. This isn't even an
official podcast despite the fact that I have fucking advertising on it. It's
not an official one. This is me just poking my head into your little office.
Into your little cubicle. Into your living room if you're unemployed or maybe
you're living off a trust. Yeah, that's a great big shout out to anybody just
sitting around living off a trust.
trust. You know, what are you going to do today? Go down to the art store, get
yourself an easel, you know, little canvas, start painting. That's what people
do. You know, when you're like super fucking rich, there's no reason for you to
go outside.
There's no fucking reason. I really can't stand when people judge, you know,
trust fund babies. I feel that's like one of the one of the biggest issues that
this country is dealing with right now is the harsh judgment of trust fund
babies.
You know, I mean, anybody can be fucking broke and be like, look at that rich cunt
just sitting over there doing nothing. What a waste. What a waste of a fucking
life.
You know, let me tell you this, you subway sandwich eating judgmental fuck. Let
me ask you this. If you were in that situation, what would you be doing?
So I can tell you, I would be doing the exact same fucking thing. And all you
fucking people on your high horse going like, no, dude, I couldn't do it. You
know, I'm one of those people, you know, people know this. People know me.
I have to wake up with a purpose. If I don't have a purpose in life, shut the
fuck up. You have bills. All right. That's what you're doing. You're walking
out the door and you're chasing the fucking carrot.
And someday you're dreaming. You dream that that carrot's not going to be there.
You want to be that easel guy. You know, look at George Bush, man.
You ever see a guy enjoying not being president more than that guy? He's
actually good at what he does. He's not a trust fund baby either, by the way. I'm
just saying, you know, he's actually good at it.
He just sits there. I wonder what he thinks about. Just there's no way to be
president. When you leave as president, you have dead bodies on your conscience.
Whether you made the right decision or the wrong decision, at some point you
had to shoot off some missiles because who's kidding who? America is the world's
babysitter.
Okay. We know what we know what we know what's best for you.
Okay.
And what is best for you is to do what we say and give us your natural
resources as we pretend to care about your people.
Okay.
It's like a lifetime movie.
Everybody's acting like something special is happening.
At the end of the day, it was, wasn't that really just a bunch of shit so you
could fucking make money?
Isn't that what it was?
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about trust fund babies and I'm sick of the judgment of them.
Who judges a baby, first of all?
Kind of a fucking person to you.
Maybe that's why God didn't give you money.
You ever think about that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's called karma.
Isn't that the most overused fucking expression?
Karma.
This is my theory on karma.
Karma gets you unless you, unless you don't give a fuck.
If you don't give a fuck and you know, if you truly don't give a shit, you got
to have like a level of guilt for karma to come back and bite you in the ass.
But if you're just some fucking entitled cunt, you know, those people, they
skate through life.
You know, you ever see him, you ever see an entitled cunt just walk across the
room?
It's like he has those little kid shoes on that have the wheels on them.
You know, they take two steps.
They just glide across the room.
They don't care about breaking hearts.
They don't care about evicting people.
Right?
They don't give a shit who's fucking sewed their shirt together.
They don't.
What is that, endangered species?
Throw it on the grill.
They don't care.
You know, there's a genius to that.
Just not giving a shit.
You know what I mean?
I'd love to see one of those people, you know, in the afterlife if you have to
get, if you actually get judged.
Just to see the fucking look on their face.
You know what I mean?
And then God at some point would have to feel some sort of shame being like,
well, you know, at the end of the day, I assembled that.
You know what I mean?
That's what I've never understood about the judgment.
It's just like, you know, especially like these fucking sociopaths as opposed
to the level-headed saint that I am.
These fucking, these fucking sociopaths out there.
Like, where does, you know, shouldn't you, you know, shouldn't you be judging
God on that one?
Shouldn't you be looking up like, really?
You know?
What were you doing, blow last night?
You forgot to put the, uh, I give a shit about other people assembly into this
one?
You just fucking sent it out there?
I don't know.
The more I vaguely pay attention to all that space shit, you know, I hate
people who are into space, by the way.
They were just talking about, you understand, man, just how insignificant you
fucking, it's like, yeah, I get it.
I get it.
You know what I understand is we fucking, we've seen how gigantic it is, yet we
haven't found anything.
So I still think this place is pretty amazing.
As fascinating as Mars is, there's, there's nothing to do there.
I don't understand these fucking people that want to go to Mars and live there.
And it's like, and do what?
Huh?
Live in some fucking strip mall for the rest of your life?
Some Star Trek-looking strip mall?
Fucking drinking Tang?
Just so you can say, oh, yeah, you know, that's your big fucking move?
You know, people want to live on Mars.
That means they suck at everything else in life, right?
They got nothing, you know, you know what it is.
You graduate high school.
You want to come back someday, right?
Smoking a big cigar.
Going, hey, you know.
Yeah, I was that guy who used to push around the playground.
But you know what I did, right?
I went, I did things.
I did things.
And now I smoke this and I drive that.
And see that over there?
That's fucking me.
Admit it, I matter.
So usually, in this day and age, that means you're going to try to create an
app.
Right?
You're going to fucking, I don't know, some sort of, you start a website.
Will you curate videos and fucking news?
I don't know what these fucking millennials do.
But I think if you suck at that, right?
If you can't play an instrument.
And your ego cannot just handle just being happy with what you have.
I think at that point, it's like, I can't just go back to my high school
reunion.
Just being some regular Joe.
Waking up in the morning, putting my coffee in my thermos.
Going into the shower and quietly crying as the water cascades over my face.
And my wife comes walking in going, are you all right?
Just being like, yeah, I just sneezed.
I'm fine.
I'm just washing my face.
I'm just washing my face.
All right?
I think at some point, either you just fucking give in and just say, hey, man,
you know,
being a regular guy is kind of fucking cool, you know?
Or you can't handle it.
Right?
This reminds me, I've never seen a few good men.
You can't handle the truth.
You know?
There's too much gritting of teeth in that movie.
That's right, Iceman.
I am dangerous.
Right?
Too much of that shit.
So I never watched it, you know?
A bunch of people walking around dressed in fucking little navy suits.
Anyways, if you can't fucking handle that, you got to go back to your high
school reunion.
You got to do something.
And I think at that point, that's when you just say, listen, I got to live on
Mars.
I mean, I can't go back with nothing.
I got to have something to say.
That's like Lance Bass.
He couldn't handle that Justin Timberlake walked away from NSYNC.
Right?
I want it that way.
Whatever the fuck they sang.
That song where they all acted like puppets.
Right?
He just fucking walked away.
You know?
And you got the one guy, the goatee guy.
He's got a sense of humor about himself.
He makes all these funny commercials.
He'll do a thing.
He doesn't give a fuck.
Right?
You got the dreadlock guy.
Didn't he used to bang Jennifer Aniston?
Or was that the other guy?
Who some white guy with dreadlocks used to go out with Jennifer Aniston.
You know?
Every one of those beautiful celebrities always dates a guy.
And you always have that.
Really?
You got that moment?
Like, wow.
Why didn't I learn how to fucking play the ukulele and wear flip-flops?
That's what I had to do.
Fucking walking around with your goddamn man tits.
Anyway, sorry.
And I think Lance couldn't handle it.
He's just like, what the fuck?
You know?
So then our next thing you know, he's signing up to go out in space.
To somehow try and outdo...
Oh, would you put out future sexy songs?
Huh?
Went, went, went.
Right?
Went, went, went, went.
Went, went.
I'm going to outer space.
What?
Oh.
What is it about wearing your pajamas in the middle of the day?
That just, it just fucking opens your mind up.
You know what I mean?
I swear to God.
There is no freer feeling than being a white male heterosexual still in your
pajamas at 11 o'clock in the morning on a weekday.
On a weekday.
And you know what?
Because I'm a liberal cunt.
I want everyone to experience that.
You know?
All the people in the Philippines.
Anyways, I'm actually, I'm in a giddy mood because I did something yesterday
that scared the living shit out of me.
And I didn't die.
And I didn't die.
Which is, you know, obviously because I'm doing this podcast.
So, you know, I hadn't flown a helicopter since like October until this month.
And I flew for the first time.
And I could not believe how fucking rusty I was.
How much just shit you forget.
You're like, what?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
You know?
Turn it base.
Turn it final.
I didn't even slow down.
I was so busy trying to keep the fucking pad between the compass, you know, and
the dashboard there.
I can't even remember what the fuck you call it.
The control panel that I forgot I was still doing like 65 knots.
And I'm, I fucking went right by it.
Had to slam on the brakes.
Right?
So, but, you know, I flew around.
Shook off the rust.
He's coming around.
He's coming around.
You know?
So, I went, I went again yesterday.
And I went up with my instructor.
And he was like, so what do you want to do?
I said, all right, let's do the patterns.
Let's fly the traffic pattern.
Let's do some autos.
That's where they simulate main rotor failure.
That's the big fan above your head.
Like, what if all of a sudden the engine cuts up?
You know?
And the nose kicks left.
What do you do?
You slam the collective down.
You add right pedal.
Right?
Trim airspeed RPM.
Here come the RPMs coming up.
You pull the collective up.
You catch the fucking things.
You pick out your spot.
So, we were doing those.
And at some point, I was just like, all right, fuck this.
I have to fly this thing by myself.
Or solo, as they say in the business.
But I'm just a novice.
So, I said, all right.
He goes, well, okay.
We did a couple of those.
He goes, what do you want to do now?
I said, all right.
Can you just step out and let me just fly this thing around one time by myself
just to do it again?
And he goes, yeah, absolutely.
So, he steps out.
And up until that point, it had been a great day.
You know?
Not a lot of traffic over there.
Everything's fucking fine.
So, he gets out.
Roll it back up.
You know?
Lights are out.
RPMs are in the green gauges.
Roll green carburetor heats up.
I fucking li