Name: Bill Burr City Tours: San Jose, CA
Uploaded: 2017-05-03T14:31:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr City Tours: San Jose, CA' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr City Tours: San Jose, CA' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-03. Transcript available.

Bill Burr City Tours: San Jose, CA

All right, we're in San Jose.
I mean, we're going to do the intro probably with the donut thing, right?
All right, I never eat fucking donuts.
Everybody's telling me how good this place was.
I tried to go.
I got one of the smaller ones.
Big reveal.
It's maple.
All right, let's see here.
Oh, my God.
It's fucking delicious.
Stan's donuts.
So we're in the downtown.
I'm in the downtown area of San Jose.
This is an area that a lot of people make fun of, especially comedians, because
we come here.
We don't know shit about San Jose.
We don't understand that there's nicer areas.
There's all these great places to eat.
I'm going to try to show you some of them.
This is another one of those ugly apartment buildings that I see in every
single city now.
Man, that looks like some fucking Eastern European shit.
Look at that plane landed right there.
Alaskan Airlines.
This is what's fucked up about San Jose's airport.
Granted, I don't know shit about aviation.
I don't get it.
They have two runways.
Usually, one goes this way.
The other goes that way due to wind.
You know, if the wind shifts, you have options to take up.
They have two runways parallel to each other.
Like, literally, the exact same numbers.
Like, whatever.
It's 23 and whatever the fuck that would be.
23 minus fucking 18 would be 5.
23 and 5, right?
Whatever the fuck they are.
So, I would think that I'm going to ask an instructor a question about that.
Like, so what if the wind is coming too far?
Isn't it?
I can't remember.
That's the funny thing about when you get your pilot's license.
The amount of shit you forget is ridiculous.
When you're in ground school, you're on it.
You know what everything fucking means.
Then after a while, it's just like driving the car.
Is it 10 and 2?
Is it 3 and 6?
I don't know.
Just imagine thinking that shit, except you're up there.
I just felt like Don Rickles' casino.
You know, better than.
You know, up there.
I love that ovary.
That vaudevillian background he had that he had to go like that.
Like, we didn't know what up there was.
By the way, great outtakes in that movie.
All right, this is the part of the cities that I like.
You know, you got auto body stuff over there.
You got a little restaurant over here.
This is the parts of the cities that I like.
Where it's sort of industrial.
You can also, you know, go get something to eat.
Or maybe go play some drums.
Maybe there's a studio around there.
Can you imagine that?
Old Freckles got to play the drums for a minute.
Oh, Andrew, I teed you up for that cut.
Teed you up for it.
All right, here we got some railroad tracks.
Nobody takes the fucking train anymore.
You know, I'm always amazed at the lack of security to get on a train.
Like, if I was in ISIS, like, that's how I would get in.
I'd get on a train.
The airport, they check for everything.
You get on a train, you could literally have a box that said TNT.
They'll let you get on.
Oh, here's where the San Jose fucking checks.
It's the Sharks!
They made it to the conference.
They made it to the Stanley Cup finals last year.
So they got one more hurdle.
After all those years, I used to always say, the San Jose Sharks were basically
the San Diego
charges on skates because they always fuck their fans over.
They have a great regular season, and then they just shit the bed when it comes
to playoffs.
But these aren't your uncle's San Jose Sharks.
I can't even say your grandfather's because they've been around so little.
Oh, look at it, it's Wells Fargo.
Can you imagine that they have one up here?
It's unbelievable.
It's almost like we're down to just three different banks.
So now we're in the downtown San Jose area.
They have bicycles that you can rent.
I can never get those fucking things out of there.
I can just, I put the money in, it never works, and I start fucking with the
fucking piece of shit, you know?
There's always some woman in one, it's like some Hillary Clinton fucking pantsuit
staring at me,
waiting to get her bicycle.
Of course, she can figure it out, right?
Because she's relaxed.
I took a yoga class, I had a facial.
You like how I blame her in that story, rather than the fact that I'm a
complete psycho?
Why don't I ask the Hillary Clinton dress lady for a little bit of help?
I could do that.
Oh, look, it's Chase.
Jesus Christ, can you imagine that?
It's almost as if we're down to two or three banks.
What's left?
What's the one Sam Jackson does?
What's in your wallet?
Capital One.
Capital One.
I like when he says that.
What's in your wallet?
I don't know, Sam.
I know what's in your wallet.
A bunch of fucking cash.
They show that goddamn commercial every 20 seconds.
You know what?
Good for him.
Good for him.
He's probably not making any money off of Pulp Fiction at this point.
The way they adjust it down.
You know, after like the third showing on TNT, he probably gets checks for like
$1.48.
What I love about Northern or Mid-California, a lot of these, you know, smaller
cities, even though this isn't exactly small, is, you know, as much as they
have the skyscrapers and stuff, you see a lot of the sort of like a lot of the
original buildings.
What it looked like, you know, during that period where it was just like, you
know, white Europeans and Latinos, you know, all like facing off.
Like kind of meeting at a dog park, right?
Sniffing each other's asses, seeing what's going to go down, right?
And then they just fucking go at it.
Can I turn here?
This is one thing I'd get.
Can't turn here.
Oh, there's the improv.
That's where the guy got shot.
I'm going to drive by then.
I was here.
Somebody literally got shot and killed right in front of the improv.
They weren't at the show.
They just happened to be walking by.
And I felt bad because they took a picture of the dead body under the sheet.
And it was right underneath the marquee, and then the name of the comedian was
on the marquee.
And I felt bad.
It's just like, he wasn't at his show.
He was just walking by.
Look at this soulless fucking place here.
I don't know if you can go right on red.
This is just a cop.
I'm so destined to get a ticket.
Every time I go to make a fucking move, there's a cop right there.
Look at that place.
That's when you're going in there for the meeting.
And you got those people you ride down on the elevator, and they all have like
their name tag.
On and something.
I always feel bad for them, you know.
Because as always, I superimpose what I want onto other people.
Maybe they're happy.
Maybe they all like wearing the same colored fucking eyes on.
Going down there to figure it to strategize on the next quarter.
Does that help deaf people, that fucking sign?
If I was deaf, I would...
Oh, I'm not blind.
I was going to say, I think that would be like darts going by my head.
Oh, that helps blind people.
Sorry.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Why are you watching this?
Because it makes you feel better about yourself, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Typical.
Typical.
Go say something negative on Twitter now.
Huh?
Does that fill you up?
Does that feel like a hug from your dad?
And what's funny about San Jose, it's just like nobody here.
A lot of the times.
And they got this fucking train that goes up and down.
And there's just like nobody on it.
If you get on it, you're going to feel like you're in Jacob's Ladder.
You're going to be like, did I get killed in Vietnam?
Where is everybody?
There's always some old bag lady staring at you before her head starts spinning
around.
All right, more train tracks.
And there's always somebody yelling out here.
You hear that?
And it's either a crazy homeless person.
You know what yelling I like?
I like when you go into a sushi restaurant and all the guys yell at you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
When you come walking in.
I always feel like I'm in like Japanese cheers.
And I'm like Norm.
It makes you feel welcome.
So anyways, I've been doing a bunch of shows out here.
Trying to get my new hour together.
And this is one of my, like, this improv here in San Jose is great.
It's old.
It has a history, you know.
Of course, all old places have history, Bill.
It was built in like 19-0-something.
Harry Houdini played here.
Charlie Chaplin, Fatty Arbuckle, old Fatty, and now me.
Look at it right there.
Greg Proops is in.
Couple weeks.
Marlon Wayans.
Two great acts you should check out.
Right about where that wet spot is.
That's right where the person got killed.
Poor bastard.
And then they just had the marquee.
I felt so bad for the comic.
It's just like, dude, did I need that shit?
I mean, it's hard enough to sell tickets.
After what the bankers did in 2008, you got to show a dead boy.
There was no reason to show the improv name.
I know what it was.
It was the photographer was getting a little antsy.
That's what happened.
It's a, uh, it's basically a theater.
It's one of those ones that was, I can't remember when it was made.
It was made, like, I think rebuilt after it burned down in the 1900s.
And, like, Harry Houdini was there.
Charlie Chaplin.
Probably, uh, Fatty Arbuckle.
It's back when your nickname was just what you were, you know?
Fatty Arbuckle.
You can never call him that now.
What the fuck would they call him?
Probably call him his real name, like, Todd.
It's Mike Arbuckle, everybody.
He's kind of fat, isn't he?
Don't say that.
It'll hurt his feelings.
Um, I don't know.
If you listen to my podcast, I fucking hate museums.
I respect them.
I respect all the smart people that go in there and, like, mmm, mmm.
Ooh, look at that fork that somebody used when Julius Caesar was still in
office.
I'm just not into it.
They have here, arguably, the most boring museum you could ever have.
It's the museum of technology.
I mean, if I didn't hate museums so much, I'd go in there.
I just can't imagine what they would have.
All right, so evidently, the best part of the museum is the gift shop.
I just, what would you get?
I mean, I just figured you're going to walk in there and they're just going to
have, like,
you know, like, they have, like, you know, whatever the fuck we were, tadpoles
all the way to being men.
They probably have that with, like, calculators and everything.
I felt, all right, here it is.
Here it is.
Right there.
The museum of technology.
If you ever wanted to see the history of the laptop, there it is.
I actually respect that on some level.
You know what I mean?
I just don't get a thrill out of that stuff.
So is usual.
If I don't like it, I shit all over it because I'm childish.
You see that?
Now you know what it's like for my wife to watch TV with me.
Can't you just stop talking and just sit here and enjoy things with me?
Why do you have to make fun of everything?
I don't know.
Because it paid for the house?
She's going to hate that one.
All right, now we're going to take a break from the tour.
We're going to go get some tacos.
Red Lake, Red Lake, sorry.
We're going to get some tacos.
See what happens when you try to make the word taco funny?
Now I'm over the stop line here.
You know, this is, is it the end of the month?
No.
If it's the end of the month, that's when the Dudley Do-Right fucking cop comes
up.
Well, you actually have three meters over the fucking, you know what I mean?
And that's when you think about taking his gun.
I'm kidding.
All right, look at that all gold building, man.
That reminds me of the radio station Vic.
Vic Reynolds works at it.
And F is for family.
Which, by the way, is coming out the end of May for season two.
I just scared this lady.
Sorry.
All right, here we go.
All right, we're going to go to Original Joe's.
The weirdest name for Italian restaurant.
Should be Original Luigi's, right?
Oh, fuck you.
Dude, nothing drives me up the fucking wall.
Jesus Christ, I mean.
One way.
This is one way?
Where are your wipers on this thing?
Oh, it's all in one.
Very efficient.
Oh, for Christ's sake, stop.
All right, so listeners of my podcast, you know that I fucked up my shoulder.
I rotate a cuff.
I got like a pitcher's injury and I have no athletic abilities whatsoever.
And, uh, sorry, this gu