Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-17
Uploaded: 2017-05-05T02:14:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-05. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm checking in on you i'm just checking in on you
how's uh
oh jesus who knows what how anything is i um i flew today so whenever i fly i'm
a little bit
scatterbrained you know i had a 7 10 a.m flight so i had to get up at like 5 15
you know the
shows didn't end till like 11 30 or whatever i couldn't get to sleep till like
2 so i'm like all
i gotta do is just make sure i don't miss the alarm clock get up get to the
airport stumble through
security and then not miss when they you know board the flight which i did so i
get there and that's it
you know i had myself a little parfait you know at that guy's fucking
restaurant he's on the chew
the guy with the shaved head i went to his place and uh whatever i just got the
granola with the uh
with the yogurt and some blueberries or something something like that vaguely
remember so i get on
the plane and all i want to do is just go to sleep all right so i go to go to
sleep and all of a sudden
this fucking guy we get up to cruise in altitude and this guy you know stands
up wide awake like i
swear to god six foot four dad jeans you know and he had these awful shoes
these shoes that you'd wear
with the suit you could tell he didn't want to pack like a pair of like leisure
shoes so he just wore
those with his fucking awful dad jeans and he is just talking loud as shit like
one aisle up like i
don't know where he walked up from but he's a couple rows back and he came up
he's just talking the
guy going figure then we head to the hotel around 10 30 then we get the meeting
all set up and after
that we can maybe try to decide what we're going to do what the game plan is
for after lunch you know
then i hear the other guy i can't understand what he's saying then the guy's
like oh and i just wanted to like
fucking yeah i was just shoes with the two buckles on them two buckles really
like how crazy are your
feet that you got to strap them into that level you know do they have a mind of
their own
so he finally walks back he goes to yeah i wanted to when he left so i finally
nod off and i'm i'm like
sleeping deeply and all of a sudden i just feel this pressure on my left arm
and and i feel somebody shaking me and i wake up and this is stewardess she's
clasped both my arms
you know my arm with both her hands like she's going to tell us that you know
to get in the crash
position or something and i just look up at her i can't hear what the she's
saying and then i realized
i have my headphones on so i just take the headphones off i was like what what's
what's the matter she goes
did you want breakfast today
i mean yeah at some point now when i'm sleeping
i didn't think they did that i thought the only time they did that was when you
know if there was
like an emergency like i'm sorry i know you're sleeping but you got to bring
your seat back up
because god knows you know that's so crucial to uh the level of injury you're
going to have at 37 000
feet right i know it's kind of hacky material but that's what you think right
she woke me up to see
if i wanted breakfast and i was just like i hope i wasn't an asshole i was like
no
i gotta get a hat that says i had a parfait just let this old man sleep so um
i don't know i just then i couldn't get back to sleep so i started watching uh
this season of the ultimate fighter and uh i don't i mean i know i've seen most
of the seasons
i forgot about this guy there was this guy
oh what the fuck was his name i can't remember but he just he was like in line
to win the thing
and he got completely hammered kicked out the windows on a limo you know he
just went crazy and uh
he got kicked off the show and completely i guess blew his shot at being in the
ufc so but he didn't
quit he just kept fighting he's had like 45 cents and so he got this big build
up sort of the redemption
house this year where it's people that you know were in it before and maybe
didn't win i think that
that's what it was like i said i was half asleep so i was watching his um i was
watching his whole
pre-fight versus the french dude who uh you know was good with the kicks and
shit and i'm watching
this stuff and what's weird is they're cutting to the guy you know who got
kicked off the show
and one of his ears is sticking out so much further than the other one like and
what kills me is the
early part of the training it isn't so something happened to him during
training like what what the
fuck happens to those guys ears i i understand like all like the uh the fluid
in them and stuff
but this thing was just like i mean i can't it was like mickey mouse ear he had
like one of those
sticking like at a straight out like it was signaling to make a left and the
other one you
know sticks out a little bit but not that far and they never addressed like
what happened
he said something cool one point he said yeah you know he goes i've been around
the world
i got the scars to prove it and i'm gonna go in there and i'm just gonna beat
this guy down and
that's exactly what he did and i was one of the few times i was excited that
the mic the gate wasn't
ready when we landed that's always the big jerk off you know when you get in
early to the airport
congratulations we're in 15 minutes early unfortunately our gate is not
available of course
it isn't because they were anticipating us being there and then there's no
place to go
you know they should have like a little ice cream thing down at the end of the
runway you know you
peel off under a little taxiway you know but it just gets a little sundae or
some
shit we just basically the guy said he's gonna they're gonna bring us to a uh i
believe he said
desolate part of the airport i know lax well enough at this point what they did
they just we just did a
lap around the whole thing we landed on the uh whatever the fuck it is the
south side of the
fucking airport and we just landed because that's the side united is on which
by the way i'd like to
apologize to the guy who got dragged off that fucking flight the fact that i
ever flew that airline again
i already had my ticket i wasn't even paying attention i felt like such a
fucking you know
it's a fellow american they dragged off and even you know what even if he wasn't
from here because
i don't know where the fuck he was from i think they said he's going to china
or some shit
just human being the human being you know um i just felt dirty riding on that
fucking airline
uh so that that's i think that's it with those guys you know unless somebody
else does something
worse and then we actually all realize that united was actually oh you know
they were actually kind of
reserve and they smashed his cheekbone off the side of the i just can't believe
they can make you get
leave like no i'm not leaving i'm not leaving is the president getting on well
then i'm not leaving
plus nowadays the president has his own plane they just killed me it's like
what about that guy what
about his plans what about his business what about his loved ones what about
all of that
shit just dragging the guy off as he's screaming that was one of the i don't
know that was just that was
just really uh you know what kills me is you know goddamn well the head people
at united airlines when
they looked at that footage all they thought about was just damage control they
didn't give a
fuck about that guy i don't know am i out of my mind that should not have
happened in a first world
country that was just like some uh overthrow the government there's no rules
anymore
jesus christ i mean they just manhandled that guy like he did something
you know what he did he paid for his seat that's what he did and he got on and
he put his stuff in
the overhead compartment he sat down like he was supposed to and then he got
his ass kicked
well he got roughed up that'd be more you know that's two minutes for roughing
that's what you would
get you know so um anyway so i get back to the fucking lax i'm still a little
groggy or whatever
and uh i always take taxis you know because nobody takes taxis out here so they're
always available i
just walk right out and the guy's there and uh i got a pet peeve on my luggage
right like whenever you
walk up with your luggage you know if the driver goes to take it what they do
is they push the button
in to make the handle go down about three quarters of the way and then then
they just release it and
then they and they just slam the thing down so i always go just wait a second
wait a second um let
me just do it and the guy just kept grabbing for it i said wait a second guys
looking at me go thinking
i'm the dick it's like i'm not the dick all right so once you to mess up the
handle once you mess up the
fucking handle now what am i gonna do carry it like it's the 1970s i travel
like a stewardess
so i get the whole thing down he gets in the car goes how was your flight i i
say it was great
and he goes where you going i tell him the address and he goes okay can you can
you
fucking type it into my phone i don't know am i an asshole it's odd no i don't
know why once you
fucking you can't do why don't hey once you slide over i'll fucking drive i
know how to get home
um all right jesus christ this is why i don't do the podcast one when i flew
that day um as i mentioned
yeah because i'm like extra crabby and i had a great time by the way out in cleveland
ohio uh every
time i come back there the downtown area is more alive i remember working at uh
hilarities for the first time
in 2004 it was the end of 2003 i was doing new year's it's first time i met jason
lawhead and a
bunch of cleveland guys and i just remember just looking at the downtown area
and there wasn't
shit down there i mean i was staying at the holiday inn express right around
the corner
and they had to give me a fucking escort home i was literally walking a block
and a half and i was
thankful that they gave it to me i did a fast-paced walk over to the club
before the show so
i remember looking across the street and there was this big apartment building
i remember just thinking
like man if i had the money i would buy that and redo it and i would be i would
make a fortune on it
and you know didn't have the money and now every time i go back there you
should see it now like
like hilarities was the only game in town there on this dark street now you
show up it literally
i think i said this before it looks like the bullwinkle show there's a house of
blues there's this place
called uh i don't know some craft beer places all of this this gift shop t-shirt
store where they have
all this stupid cleveland stuff they look like they were soft t-shirts i liked
a lot of them and i
actually like ohio but like the nickname for cleveland calling it the land it's
just it's so bad
the land pittsburgh the bird in cincinnati the natty it's so terrific i thought
bean town was bad i always
hated that growing up in boston then the millennials started calling it the
bean
so in cleveland they have these t-shirts it says defend the land from what you
seceding from the
union what are you talking about i was happy for them you know they won their
championship and all
that type of you know and they're looking good jesus christ absolutely
destroying the toronto raptors
you know i was gonna say i had a theory about the uh you know if you name your
team after some
movie shit like the anaheim mighty ducks the raptors we all know that's from
jurassic park like
you're never gonna win a championship but goddamn ducks did but they had to
stop being the mighty ducks
i remember when they first came out they were the mighty ducks they had the
exact same uniforms as
those little kids which is basically the bad news bears on ice and then they
would up on the diamond
vision they would have like emilio estevez it clipped from the movie of him
giving a rah-rah
speech to a bunch of children and i'll tell you when they actually won a cup
after that shit
that really h