Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-17
Uploaded: 2017-05-11T19:36:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-11. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i i'm just checking in on you how the fuck are you i
don't have time i
don't have time for your fucking shit today eh i got people coming in town to
see my daughter right
so i got a bunch of shit i have to do you know you know when you got family the
fucking family
back east we're having problems with the family back east what movie we're
having problems with
the family back east the vaguest fucking mafioso line ever i'm not gonna say
you know because i
don't want to shit on the fucking writers i'm like shit on people that i'm in
this industry sort of
that was the laziest fucking writing ever he's sort of a mob guy and uh they're
having fam
problems with the family back east how far east you're in la are you having
problems with the
family in nevada having problems with the family back east um i'm in
construction oh it's not that movie
all right anyways it's not the one you think it's more recent and they evidently
from what i gathered from the writing was they were having problems with the
family back east
sorry i'm gonna kill this thing here um anyways you know when you got fucking
relatives coming out you
know what the deal is you got to fucking clean your house up you know you you
got to get all spiffy
go out and get a haircut of you me you shave it down right you're looking at
him like huh i'm successful
i'm doing well right you got to track him to all these spots you got to try to
impress people you know
kind of hit me yesterday as i was i was scampering you know something i don't
do a lot scampering
something usually a marsupial does up a tree i believe um scampering around the
house just trying
to fucking make it look like i i don't live in a world of clutter and at one
point i'm just like you
know bill nobody gives a shit about you nobody is coming out to see you nobody
gives a fuck what you're
doing it's all about your daughter and i was like this is great this is perfect
she's the headliner
i'm just hosting hey how's everybody doing you want a burger boom let's keep
this show moving right
along put the act you all came here to see my lovely daughter that's all i got
to do all you have to do
is host the show host the show as long as she's cute which she can't help as
long as she smiles but
she can't help that's all she does is smile and laugh she's the greatest kid
ever i'll be fine
so there you go why am i trying to do all the dishes
you know what's funny all you really do whenever you have company over you have
like that that one
closet you throw everything in or maybe one closet in every room you just take
all of all of the clutter
and you just throw it into the closet like for some reason there's this
pressure
that your house has to look like you know like a showroom at a furniture store
like we don't have any knickknacks we are living a minimalist lifestyle
everything is neat and is in
order everything is in its proper place harmony is what you're experiencing
here we never fight
there's never a look crossword um yeah you can't live up to it so i just
decided i got to a certain
level of clean i'm like all right this is what it looks like you know what are
you gonna do oh god
i'm still nervous anyways um let's get down to the tax that are brass here um
oh boy the city of
washington dc the district of columbia oh they're mourning today jesus christ i
actually went to a
cigar bar with josh adam myers and um this is how big a hockey fan i am the celtics
were playing the
wizards yesterday game five i thought it was game six i got lost with all the
sleep deprivation from
old cutie cakes downstairs right um and i actually we went in the cigar bar and
we were watching the game
seven and in between periods we we click in to the celtics i know bradley had a
huge game
i know that the wizards went up like four to nothing and then that was it we
gave them the old right
there fred and kept our foot on their neck right so that was the biggest night
in washington dc sports
perhaps ever i had fun because i woke up because i was supposed to um yesterday
i woke up early by do
do do do do and i was supposed to call um uh regina saskatchewan because i'm
going up there for some
shows uh i don't know where the fuck i'm going i think i'm in winnipeg and then
i'm driving all the
way up to fucking saskatoon which is like an eight and a half hour drive and i'm
doing it and everybody's
like a bunch of farms i don't give a shit i'm gonna have a great time me and
nick craig we're
gonna go up there's got to be some sort of ice cream store or some fucking
stupid tourist attraction
along the way and even if there isn't who gives a shit i like driving that
stuff seeing that it exists
i did the drive one time from california to el paso texas and uh it's one of
the great drives i've ever
done especially i believe i don't know if it was in arizona or in new mexico
when you just get into
the badlands i always thought the badlands meant you know some you know badass
dudes live there and
it's just bad as far as like you can't grow anything it's like scorched earth
it's like basically the
direction we're headed in if we keep fucking and i don't know if you believe
fucking al gore i mean
i tend to believe a man who invented the internet you know anyways um so we're
going to be doing that
drive and uh so i had to call because they added they added another show in regina
because uh who
the fuck ever goes to saskatchewan you know nobody so people are excited like
holy shit this guy's not
my favorite but he showed up let's go right we're having problems with the
family beckies so they
added a second show so now i gotta i gotta put on my top hat my tails and i
gotta sell it so i'm
waiting to call the radio this is such a long story so i'm thinking in my head
right now i'm like wow this
is the biggest day in washington dc sports history i should call the sports
junkies
i'm gonna do it i called in talked to lurch and everybody and uh i thought the
capitals were gonna win
i just thought how badly they beat the penguins in uh in game six i just
thought that they and they
were shutting down their offense the penguins were frustrated you know i knew
the flower there was
gonna have was gonna have a good game but i just thought they just needed to
break the seal they had
to get that one give them a little bit of happy feet give them something to
think about so i called in
there then i called in randy uh bauman and bill crawford at wdve and uh i wasn't
a cunt on either
one of them my team's out of it i'm not going to try to be a killjoy you know i
this is the deal i
actually i don't know what happened i used to hate the penguins i don't anymore
it's a combination that
they don't really have any like overtly cheap fucking knee breakers anymore and
i got a lot
of friends that either live in pittsburgh or you know out here that are from
there
fucking bartnick i can't root against bartnick so i go to the cigar bar and i
uh i'm watching it with
fucking josh adam meyers and he's just like you know i said look dude i'm not
gonna lie to you i hope
you go one and one i want the celtics to win and i'm gonna root for the capitals
i'm sitting here with
i'll fucking root for him you know secretly i'm like well if they don't win i'm
happy for
fucking randy and crawford bartnick and those guys what what i care my fucking
team's not in it
so we sit there and josh is fucking losing his shit and um it was just
unbelievable you know i call
him the flower all the time i forget his fucking name already mark andre flurry
what a fucking game he had
they just oh my god the captive just snake but even when they had the guy beat
even when they had him
fucking beat they just couldn't get it on the state it was wide open and i
kicked the fucking thing and
they just couldn't do it they couldn't do it but i have to tell you right now
game seven nhl playoffs
i will put that up against any uh any sport out there um the nhl playoffs you
know and i actually i actually
totally missed the edmonton ducks one because i had to go and i had to do a
couple of shows and i thought
i taped the game and i fucked up i didn't so i'm gonna have to go on the nhl
app today and rewatch
that game knowing full well that the ducks won which i had a feeling they were
gonna do i just
thought they had a little more experience they'd been there and that type of
shit so
um the fucking josh jesus christ he was just like you know by the end of it he
was just like you know
not fuck this because i'm just gonna stress eat a fucking large pizza and i'm
gonna go home and watch
cops
um i don't know having said that i still don't have confidence you know with
the celtics and the
wizards i i have no idea like uh this is a weird series um it kind of seems
like the teams are going to
hold serve you know and hopefully that happens and we'll win a game seven i
have no idea but just
watching like a dc sports fan it reminds me i mean i always have empathy for
all of those people
because that was my life right up until basically 2004 i guess the patriots had
already won one at
that point but um yeah that was kind of my life as a sports fan for the longest
fucking time
um so my condolences to the city of washington dc still got the wizards you're
not out of it
congratulations to pittsburgh oh this is going to kill me to say this
congratulations
to anaheim whatever you are down there whatever that is orange county whatever
the
that is down there
i i don't even i don't know it's just one of the most soulless
fucking places i've ever made me you know what i'm judging the place i always
drive down there
you know to do the improv or whatever um bought my hockey stuff down there they
got
fucking disneylands down there it's just i don't know what it is it just looks
like a giant movie set
it doesn't look like um it's like when i went to san jose and they had that
little mall area where
they had all that high-end shit they try to make it look vaguely fucking i don't
know european
and he just like this is was clearly all built at the same time and there's no
history here
i don't know what happened because i read uh steve martin's book um born
standing up i had the
hardcover original version i loaned it to my neighbor and i never got it back
what a
fucking asshole that still bugs me that i did that um but he was talking about
how he grew up in orange
county and riding his bicycle to disneyland past all the orange groves
and just the way he painted the picture was like wow that sounded like a
beautiful place
and now you go down there and it's just you know one strip mall after another
i mean it was kidding who i mean human beings have done a lot of you know a lot
of
unprotected sex since then and uh just kind of pushed the oranges out really
bill is that what happened
i mean evidently evidently as far as i i can surmise um anyway so i did two
shows last night
did a benefit at the laugh factory and i did uh and i did the all things comedy
network show
at uh the comedy store and i had also done a show monday night where i ran the
whole hour and at the
risk of sounding like a fucking bald arrogant cunt uh the new hour is crushing
i'm having a great time
somewhere in the during those cleveland shows it put me over the top and now i
have confidence
that uh people aren't going to feel like they're getting ripped off when they
go to see me so um
anyways i don't know i got a bunch of on my mind because i gotta go down to the
airport
i gotta pick up some i gotta pick up the family baggies um oh by the way my
apologies to uh moto gp
fans i didn't even know there was a race this past week and i went on to my uh
my dvr whatever the
hell you call it lo and behold there it is you know in the way my whaff just
watches whatever the
hell she wants and now deletes it i didn't feel like i had to include her not
like she likes motorcycle
racing or anything so um i believe they were in spain i just sa