Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-17
Uploaded: 2017-05-15T07:15:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-15. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 15th 2017 halfway through the month of may oh jesus christ do you know bobby
or scored that
fucking overtime goal on mother's day to win the stanley cup back then you know
i think you only
had to win eight it was like fucking 12 teams he had the original six and the
expansion six the
original six really weren't the original six they were just the six left over
after fucking the stock
market crash or some shit they were the only guys left or after world war one i
can't remember didn't
like the lusitania sink and then like half the players on the fucking montreal
maroons were on it
i don't know what is this stump the fucking swami over here do you know nia has
been been uh she's
been recording um the sports jeopardy aka buffalo wild wings jeopardy
i would tell you even the sports fan it's not easy but oh do i seem like a
smarty when i'm watching
that show to the point nia goes if they ever do any sort of fucking you know
comedian uh
sports jeopardy thing where you can give the money to a charity i love that
shit it's like i'm gonna go
on tv onto a game show one of the hardest game shows out there jeopardy granted
it's all gonna be about
sports but they do a lot of shit of like you know you know who's the first free
agent to fucking get
into a fight with al davis i don't fucking know right um name the last three
owners of the seattle
seahawks like they get they take it to that level you know what i mean um but i
love how you know you
need is like oh you should go on then just you know give the money to a charity
fuck the charity i do
enough benefits as a comedian i can't go on tv and try to win some money for me
you know hit a couple of categories they're going whoo you know
i'm gonna go on tv and expose
how limited my fucking i don't know my world is i don't know i'm gonna go on tv
and make an ass of
myself and then give it to some dirty face kid afterwards i'm gonna lose and
then what some kid
who grew up in a fucking chimney he's gonna sit there crying because i went
there and basically
did the babe ruth thing hey kid i'll go out there and hit a home run for you
today except i'll do it
with my mind man i'm gonna go out there and i'm gonna fucking lose because they're
gonna be like uh
yeah what brand of baseball glove did goose gossage use when he was still on
the fucking oakland ace
uh rawlings oh no i'm sorry the correct answer was a wilson
douchebag family with the chance to steal um i actually did uh you know if i
can remember the
category my problem with those shows is sometimes like i don't understand the
uh you know they'll say
like get carter and it takes like me for like fucking three in a row to
understand like oh these
are everybody's got the last name carter i got the hardest one too or maybe i'm
just the oldest
they brought up the fucking the dude on michigan who then i think went to the
fucking usfl make this anthony carter number one i first started watching
college football he was the
man out there with the wolverines all right bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum the great fight
songs of all time the michigan wolverines that that that that that that that
that i'm with you
i know how it goes hail to the victor's value and i was singing the notre dame
song oh jesus is team right
oh jesus they're going for a two-point conversion there jesus what do you got
to say well you know
i mean if they make it they make it i mean i love everybody get out of this
locker room you bearded
hippie that's what happened if jesus came back jesus ever went to the locker
room and newt rockney was in
there right oh five foot nothing of them considered average height way back in
the day before they put
the horse tranquilizers in the horse meat that they fed to the horses that they
then fed to the cows
right that are then in my burger maybe that's why i have such a disposition i
eat a lot of red meat
this is how much red meat i eat i don't consider hamburger red meat to me red
meat is i had a steak
i have a burger man it's it's hey it's not it's not red after i'm done cooking
it you know
actually it's not even true i like i like all of it medium rare and what i've
been told
by a coli freaks where they're like look you can have a steak medium rare that's
a lot less of a risk
because that's just one cow you know you're rolling the dice it's like you bang
one hooker
without wearing a glove oh jesus bill right and then hamburger though it's like
you banged vietnam
i don't know why i picked vietnam for some reason i went to full metal jacket
hey baby you got go
femme vietnam it's like you banged a country of that that's what hamburger is
because it's just
a bunch of cows all mulch together right you have a steak it's like you just
one cow that's what i'm
trying to or steer i should say what's the steer well that's a bull without his
balls buddy
all right and take off its horns um i don't know what it is anyways and if you
have hamburger that's
like you know you know you're just freddie mercury running around the whole
free world isn't that
basically it i mean i'm not you know i'm not i don't know my way around the
kitchen enough to
know if that analogy worked or not but uh i will say that i let's just get back
to the original point
okay what was the original point yeah i i don't consider hamburger red meat or
was it that
i'm not giving some kid who lives in a chimney i don't know why a chimney you
know
you know what seeing broke children is always sad unless they're white there's
just something
funny but yeah you know i think it's just a relief as a white person that the
guilt goes away you
know no you know anytime you see somebody from another race broke you know
white people pushed
them out they put a walmart down right they put one of those derricks in there
they started sucking
all the fucking out of it you know i wonder if people around the world when
they watch the beginning
of the beverly hillbilly start crying you know when they just see the white man
even like to first they
laugh like oh my god it's toothless broke white people hilarious and even they
discover oil and they
get to keep it so they loaded up the truck and moved to beverly hills that is
um i wonder if they cry
when the children cry you know nobody guessed the movie i was talking about i
kept references we got
problems with the family back east um anyways let's play speaking of the
children cry that's from white
lion everybody when the children cry was actually a hit that's how off the
rails music went at one point
little child try you're crying yes i was like on the top ten i remember
watching it i didn't give a
about that song but i was like that lead guitarist of all these guys trying to
be eddie van halen i'm
not saying this guy was they're trying to do the that eddie did that guy in
white line
he came the closest you know out of all the white bands you know the white
lions the uh who else was
it uh it was white lion he was great white it was white snake it was hey there
whitey it was a little
known all white funk band because that's what people used to yell when they
want to say i can't remember
how it goes i don't know um anyway speaking of children crying my condolences
to uh all the fans
of the washington capitals and you know what happens when you hit the wall for
the third time when you
win the president's trophy you know under two different presidents okay when obama
brings you
two and donald trump comes in with his tie hanging all the way down his tie
would still touch the ground
even if he was wearing skates he comes walking into your locker room and he
gives you that trophy
you're right you're on your second goddamn president you've left the ugliest
uniforms in the history of
the fucking game of hockey possibly definitely up there those blue ones with
that gold fucking eagle
you know it just looks like they put a stamp like them like the post office had
a limited stamp thing
you know and all those weird fucking smelly people you know people don't bathe
collect stamps you know
and i'm not saying that you know with all this stuff like what do you identify
with a man or a woman
you know being a man i don't i'm a man but i don't identify i still don't
identify would you imagine
the emptiness of that every day waking up shaving going what the is this
i can't relate to this beard on my face man you know when are my tits gonna
come in i just i can't
imagine that but whatever there's other people that can't you know they don't
identify with other human
beings forget about they don't identify with their own gender there's another
group of people that we
all need to care about and wear a certain color on a certain day or maybe a
ribbon for and these are
people that can't identify with other people they just can't identify with
human beings in general and
these people collect stamps you know they just sit in their room they're not
bothering anybody
taking that big giant book off that shelf you know blowing the dust off it
because they finally
got the washington capitals horrific jersey from the mid to early 2000s
whenever they had that
it was that awful period that's right in the nhl
they added too many teams and everybody changed their uniforms
i i shouldn't put it all on the capitals washington dc
fucking horrific thank god they went back to the red white and blue
you know i mean you are there in dc for sakes you know if anybody should have
the color of the flag
it should be you guys you know the buffalo sabers that ihl horseshit they had
you know what do they
put a sheep on the front they even look like a bull anymore it was terrible
fucking terrible um props to them by the way when they finally admitted that
they made a
fucking mistake was such a horrible period they had that strike that they lost
a whole season of the nhl
all right they added a bunch of teams too many goddamn teams they had the atlanta
thrashers
they had the florida marlins right that's right they played hockey first before
they
sucked so bad they were like you know what let's just play baseball no the florida
panthers
the lightning the coyotes
i think the north stars moved down to become the stars at least they kept the
kind of they're
all right because they kept the same fucking uniform then of course they
knocked down that stadium in
minnesota and they put up the mall of america there that's so sad that you know
the place where
dino cicerelli smashed his stick over that guy's head you can now sit there
standing there eating
frozen yogurt without a care in the world you know or was that a road game
anyways um
what am i talking about here that's right so then you had all these new teams
in the nhl and then on
top of that all these teams that have been established all changed their
uniforms
so you you come back after the strike and you're just watching like dude is
this the olympics
well actually that's not true because that they started doing that in the 90s
because when the sabers the sabers got in 1999 you know back when you could
even have a shoelace
tough like shoe leather that mozzarella huh who knows that one there's another
obscure
tough like shoe leather that mozzarella mozzarella whatever the you said
mozzarella
huh who knows that one if you're religious you might know that that's a hint
the title has something
religious a religious figure in it and it's not jesus christ superstar that's
the last hint i'm gonna
give you um yeah the sabers got in 1999 was it brett hull was it uh uh uh danny
mashburn i don't know
who the fuck it was joe joe barry carroll who had that foot in the fucking
crease i can't remember but
the whole year they're calling it until the biggest goal of the year the one
that decides
the stanley cup classic nhl yeah that new rule that's been fucking everybody
all year round yeah
forget it we've decided to change the rule in overtime in the clinching game of
the stanley cup
playoffs that's how we do it that's right tha