Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-17
Uploaded: 2017-05-23T01:02:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-23. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
fucking uh may 22nd is that a record for how quickly i said the f word uh i'm
actually
doing the podcast right now riding in a car i'm not driving i'm on my way to uh
new york city
because i have to do some promotional stuff here for uh f is for family that's
coming out uh this
week right or next week may 30th i don't know what so this begins old billy red
face uh showing his
freckled puss on anything i can get myself on um you know so whatever i'm
driving to new york and
you know something there's all this fucking traffic and i gotta take a early
flight tomorrow back to la
i don't have time and my wife just sent me this whole thing on what successful
people do and they
they they fucking you know they uh i don't know what they do they they they
know how many minutes
are in a day evidently there's 1440 minutes in a day and they use this wisely
and they delegate
right they delegate shit like i don't want to do that you know how to do that
right all right i'll
pay you to do that you know a small portion of what the fuck i'm making i gotta
get better at that
in order to delegate though what you have to be is you have to be social and uh
you know that's not
my thing unless i've had a couple of drinks other than that i'm kind of a uh
curmudgeon i don't know
if you've noticed i'm a little bit grumpy but uh we're fucking cruising now
where'd all the traffic go
now watch now this will be like a thursday one i thought i was gonna get to do
the whole hour
um so anyways i just got back from uh my tour up there in canada work with nate
craig who murdered
it if you don't believe me ask anybody who was in winnipeg saskatoon and uh regina
and uh first of all i'm very proud that nate and i did a show two shows in regina
and neither one of us
went with the easy joke nobody did the stupid it rhymes with fun nobody's like
vagina vagina what's
up with that i thought there was gonna be a giant twat here sinkhole slash
thing we uh kind of left it
alone and um i don't know we had a great time let's let's just back it up here
okay we start off in
winnipeg i told the people in winnipeg that i wasn't going to tell people this
but i just think
they're so off the beat math path it's fine the cuisine in winnipeg is insane
all right
ah jesus what was the name of that place we actually i didn't have time to go
this time i uh
ordered from this place the peasants something or other
where's my little list of places to go scrolling down to winnipeg
yeah i thought there was going to be a bunch of traffic
he's just blocking me out the driver here all right peasant kitchen get the
tortilla if you're over there t-o-r-t-i-e-r-e it's french pork pie and uh then
we went to the tallest
poppy for breakfast the next day and um i wouldn't have known about either one
of those shout out to uh
a canadian by the name of ed robertson you might have heard of him
plays in a band i think he's in a garage band or something like that you might
have heard of him i
don't know i'm just with you um so anyways uh the food was unbelievable up
there and uh
the shows were awesome played in this old theater that i forget the name of i
don't remember it's been
around since like 1900 and up top they have like the the same old seats they
used to have back when
everything was segregated you know and all the white people were downstairs and
anybody else had to walk
all the flights of stairs to go upstairs you know and what's the result what's
the result huh 50 years
later white people are getting their asses kicked in sports you know why we got
no quads we don't have
any glutes that's why our asses are so flat we just used to walk into the
theater we were on the
ground level and everybody else had to walk up right that's why we got our asses
kicked from the gridiron
to the dojo it's true it all comes back to going to see harry houdini and not
having to work for it
um so we were actually there and it wasn't cold as like the last time
and uh you know i tried out some new stuff everything was going great um went
to bed the
first night didn't have a drop of booze how about that huh didn't smoke a cigar
even though there
was cuban cigars but you know it's canada so they got cuban cigars but there's
no place to smoke them
they're very uh they're very hostile against smokers or they're just maybe like
overly protective
they sort of helicopter parent with smokers up there and you you're sort of i
guess allowed to do it
outside although i did not i didn't think i really saw anybody smoking anywhere
um so anyways we did that
gig and um the next one on the docket was we drove up to sas saskatoon i was
speaking of which there was
these two or three cunts at the winnipeg show i thought they were booing me but
they were just going
tune i don't know why we were in winnipeg i guess that's short for saskatoon it's
like cleveland the land
up there i guess they call it the tune or they just yell out tune i have no
idea but we uh i thought
they were booing me so you know i got off stage and i was just like jesus
christ man i thought that
was a good show you know uh but i was like no no no they were yelling tune i'm
like what's tuned they
was for for saskatoon i was like all right we're in winnipeg they're like oh
yeah sorry sorry that's
a big thing in canada everybody's sorry i'm oh sorry like this waitress was
clearing our table and
you know plate is empty and when she goes to clear it she goes oh sorry sorry
it's like you're apologizing
for dude you brought food to me now you're taking it away and you're apologizing
do it all the time
sorry i'm sorry get the puck out sorry um so anyways we did the drive up from
uh from winnipeg to
saskatoon the one that everybody was saying hey get ready what the hell's that
song ah jesus that's not
pleasant is it um sorry sorry i picked it up i'm gonna be ridiculously pleasant
on this you know
fuck those cunts who yelled out tune in winnipeg sorry um so anyways everyone
was saying i was
gonna be dreading that drive you know like an eight-hour drive and uh so we
start me and nate
start driving up and we're just hitting all these bugs and shit but i gotta
tell you man it was beautiful
and uh both love the drive you know we live in la we're just smashed in with a
zillion other people
it's nice to get out there what a beautiful country canada is good lord um all
these these farmhouses
all of this land it was beautiful and all i just kept thinking was i would love
to fly a helicopter
around here because if you had a problem you could land it anywhere as opposed
to when i'm in la i'm
looking for soccer fields and playgrounds and hoping there's not kids there if
i ever had a problem and
just up there was just like just wide open spaces and i wasn't that bad to
drive we did in like seven
hours we took the one lane highway instead of the two lane highway so we had a
lot of fun like peeking
around trucks and trying to pass them a lot of farmers like driving these giant
tractors down the street
you know um i don't know i i got a bunch of pictures of that i saw every like
every mile there was a barn that looked like it was gonna fall down there'd be
some guy who just had
like a zillion cars or tires or something all piled up in his yard it was
really uh it's pretty interesting
and i was just thinking those guys from gas monkey you know if they ever pull
all the cars out of
barnes down in the states they could just go up to manitoba and saskatchewan
they'd find
i saw a number i saw a 65 uh i'm driving like 70 miles an hour too and i still
saw it
so 65 ford galaxy i don't know if it was the 500. might have been no i think it
was a 64 actually 64.
i know i sound like the rain man right now so anyways and then we get up to saskatchewan
saskatoon and we only had one show that night so of course i went out and got
absolutely
hammered hammered at this bar a lot of tattoos a lot of tattoos up in saskatoon
a lot of tattoos sorry um but it was a beautiful town it had this amazing park
and um which i forget the name of and i i got up the next day because i you
know i
from all those years of having a paper route like i can only sleep for so long
i just sort of
naturally wake up so even though i didn't get to bed till like two in the
morning i still woke up at
like 8 30 and i was staying at that there red rum hotel there it's this
beautiful old hotel that looks
like you could have shot the shining in there and uh it's right next to this
long park and i just was
watching to get this little mini waterfall i watched these pelicans trying to
fish i saw some geese with
some baby geese walking around it was crazy after all these years of living in
new york and la i was
just sitting there geeking out and there was some old lady standing there
looking at the goose the
goose is like putting its head down looking at her and i'm thinking that's like
an aggressive posture
so i walked away but i was also looking sort of laughing like thinking that
goose was going to
the old lady up and then thinking like what would i do because that would be
bad i mean i can't walk
away from the old lady but i also don't want to slap the out of this goose in
front of all of its
children so uh sort of a tense little moment there out in nature and uh
fortunately uh cooler heads
prevailed and everybody went their separate ways but the i don't think the old
lady knew how close
she came you know she had a big grin on her face as the thing was like ducking
down low so she's
kind of ducking down like imitating it um you know like she's looking at a
gorilla and she's pounding
her chest and i thought for half a second like i was gonna see some like you
know some old lady bird
mma action you know um but you know what she's so old i bet she knows how to
kill a goose
she probably went out in the backyard and i do that they just walk up and they
grab it by the neck
and then they do the spin move and then they just hold on to the neck so the
body spins
and it just breaks the thing's neck um she looked like she was old enough that
she actually lived
during those times you know back when you earned your meal you know like you
knew the name of the
thing that you killed it's like a pet right you had weird dreams and probably
slipped into your
sexuality somehow
you're like dressing up like a bird when you or something like that there's
some weird thing when
anytime you get abused you know violent sexually i don't know what it is it
ends up making you some
weirdo in the wreck um so anyways i end up doing so i walked up and i went over
that river there
whatever the it is like walking along these train tracks and i gotta be honest
with you i was a little
nervous about that because it was this old kind of wooden bridge and i was just
thinking uh every
time someone would walk by me you know i always kind of made eye contact and
like braced myself
because i just was nervous that someone was just going to grab my legs and
throw me over
i remember seeing a movie a long time ago this guy did that he was a psycho and
he went hiking with
these people and they didn't realize he was a psycho i think he'd already
killed people and then he went
up there and uh he went to like take a picture of this woman this couple or
somebody pushed both of
him off the cliff um and it was so eerily done that i'm like this has to be
based on a true story because
usually that's not good enough for hollywood there has to be some dramatic way
they kill you rather than
just some creepy real way um so i was walking across that that beautiful nature
and everything then i was
just you know worried someone's gonna just i don't know just grab me by my
ankles and toss me right
over before i realized what was going on you know typical had to be so busy
trying to save my cell
phone i wouldn't even think about myself before i went over i think i could
have landed it though
you know i don't think i was that high up um you know what does that say abou