Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-17
Uploaded: 2017-06-01T19:54:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-01. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday monday
monday may 29th 2017 what's going on how are you um how you guys doing happy
memorial day
happy memorial day when you're supposed to be out there remembering the troops
you're gonna be getting hammered saying bad to your wife that you later have to
apologize for
what's going on you soon to be fat huh you got the you got the grill going
right we got a little kibosh what are you guys making today huh what animal had
to get the old
right there fred you know and an uppercut to another one you sewed them
together what in
god's name do you have on your grill right now that you know you're what you
put in there a bunch of
cheese who wants cheese on their burger come on these things are gonna burn
carrot um
oh you know it's the best you put the buns on that's that's the you know you
keep checking
you keep checking but you're looking at the meat don't want to burn the buns
uh christ they burn this one that's all right y'all eat that one i like it when
it burns i bet she
swallows i'm sorry sorry why bill why why did you have to take the nice family
day that this is
you know that the great men of this country fought so you could go out there
you know work slowly work
your way take another step towards a massive coronary how many people are gonna
face plant to their grill
today via too much alcohol you know just eating that last thing that makes the
ticker stop or
you know the classic old middle-aged man uh injury the blown out achilles you
know oh did you say you
wanted pickles and you just turn a little too fast and pow that goes right up
the back of your leg
then you face plant right into your grill side of the face right you'd be
surprised i bet if i could
somehow get some sort of live you know phoners in here i bet my phone lines
would be
lighting up right now with paramedics fire department people people that drive
ambulances
hey is the driver of the ambulance do you actually have to know how to help
people or you just like
the guy the getaway driver you know all you need to do is know how to turn on
the siren you know be
able to block it out do you think ambulance drivers hear that siren at night as
they lay in the quiet
bedroom you know probably have to put fucking music on because they don't they're
just laying there and all
slowly going insane um i don't know i'm in a great fucking mood you know my
lovely little
lady is starting to sleep through the night i'm starting to get some sleep
again dude she's hilarious
she just does this thing now she's trying out her voice she just goes guy
like loud as shit laying in the bed in the morning between me and nia just
it's like fucking a little mini jerry lewis the entire time it's
so i just put my hand over her mouth and i just i just make it go like i think
and then she kind of
like looks around like what the was that and that stops her for about four
seconds before
she starts again and then she gets used to the noise and then that's it um she's
starting to crawl
she's moving backwards it's funny like they i guess they move backwards first
so it's like the thing that
they want it just keeps getting further and further away like that uh alfred
hitchcock shot
um but uh anyways i had family from back east out here this weekend which means
plenty of booze
plenty of crazy food so i've been doing the elliptical every day doing what i
can
but uh you know this is like at this point everybody who's going to come out
here has come out here
they've all seen her they all love her and what's awesome is now i don't have
to uh
i realize now when people visit me they're not coming to see me which is
awesome
they're coming to see her oh hey bill how you doing where is she where is she
she over oh would
you look at her look at her it's great and you just peel off in the back you
know all your family
members come over and they all get to hold her and stuff you know so then you
get to sit there boozing
in the corner happy holidays no it's been great she's awesome um she's so
awesome i'm not getting
any fucking material out of it everyone was telling me oh my god you're having
a kid i can't wait for
you to become a dad oh my god i want to see how your act changes it hasn't i'm
still paranoid i'm still
filthy and uh my daughter's awesome so you know that's not funny
hey bill what's it like being a dad it's great it's phenomenal i think most of
my material is just
about other fucking lunatic parents i'm telling you what i'm going to start
saying to people when they
go oh oh she's oh yeah that's a great age you wait wait till three days from
now then oh oh you
don't know she's gonna talk she'll start stabbing you in the night i mean you
know i'm gonna start
saying those parents i'm just gonna be like you know you sound like a horrible
father and i think
you married the wrong person have a nice day how you could look at this
experience in a negative way
is look if you're broke if you're a kid if you're a high school student right
and you know you started
banging your goddamn english teacher and you didn't know enough to pull out as
much as they told you
in sex education how much you know how a baby's made you couldn't believe you
were banging your
english teacher and the next thing you know you're gonna be a yeah then then it's
brutal you know you're
married to this old broad who's always correcting your sentences you know you're
calling her out for
dressing like a whore and she's giving you for a for a dangling participle
whatever the
i never knew what that meant the past participle
bill what's the past participle of this sentence i don't know just send me to
summer school just
give me give me in that distilled version of this class that is nothing that
dream team
of class clowns that is summer school drug addicts and musicians it was just
tremendous
summer school underrated i i tell you i went i did it twice i should have done
it all four years
of high school but uh i blew off the last year because what was the point my
sophomore
year my teacher hooked me up gave me the d minus um d minus in geometry
um i had a great time i had to take one class you know got me out of bed in the
morning
and summer school was combined like three towns where i lived and it was a was
all the class clowns
just like i said creative people everybody had add and the level of that they
gave to the
teacher i was like wow i gotta up my game these people are on a whole nother
level it's like when
you go to jail you become like a better criminal i became a better class clown
just sitting there like
wow these guys are these guys have no intention of going to college i'm at
least
still lying to myself yeah i think i could you know i think i could go in the
later rounds
if you were a draft pick be honest with yourself you're a high school student
what round are you going
in you know and if you really think about it that's why bill belichick he doesn't
like the
first round draft picks because the first round draft picks they're like book
smart right they're the
nerds you know you give them some information they'll memorize it and they'll
spit it right back at
you right there's no passion they they don't walk into a room and light it up
this is a bad analogy
because first round draft picks do i guess do they i don't know about college
basketball now with
everybody one and done you bring this kid to a locker room full of men you're
gonna put the team
on his back bony legs um oh bill what are they supposed to do a lot of them you
know it's it's like
their their mothers uh you know they they need a new kidney and and the the
shack they live in is
falling okay fair enough fair enough you know but selfishly as a fan you know
you miss the days when
somebody had four years with coach k or dean smith rest his soul bobby knight
flipping him in the chin
stop looking down the ground you're fucking married i've told that before you
ever tell you how much
i love that bobby knight speech where he says you know i'm not gonna you're not
gonna i'm not gonna
walk around with a 14 or 28 record i don't know what it is about that guy i
listen to that speech and it
makes me want to go i don't know i'll go to the gym after listening to that guy
something happened you know when that guy got ran out of town that was that was
a you know then all
of a sudden like guys steered into just literally being pussies like wearing
shirts with cats on them
and stuff you know my wife was showing me that like there's a men's onesie that's
out there now that
guys are wearing i was like you gotta be kidding like when is it gonna when is
it gonna steer back
to testosterone when is the guy's guy gonna make a comeback i mean everything
makes a comeback right
classic rock disco hair metals making a little bit of a comeback i don't i you
know
i just don't get it so then somebody showed me well they like well sean connery
wore one
in one of the james bond movies and it's like all right but he wasn't wearing
it like he thought it
looked good he wasn't wearing it because it was stupid
you know that's what i can't stand everything's like mocking something else it's
like all right so
what do you believe it what are you gonna sign your name to and these millennial
cunts the i can't say
all of them that's not fair to a whole generation but so the ones that at least
they're taking pictures
of okay which granted most of these pictures are being taken care taken by
older people from my
generation who are jealous of younger people that's what a lot of it is i bet i
bet i'm overreacting
when i really think about it i don't really see a lot of people with cats on
their shirts although
when they do people take pictures of them then they post them on social media
and then old
fucks like me start going oh look at these fucking millennials dad they're
fucking um all right so
scratch all of that i mean really bill have you seen anybody with the onesie
somebody just showed
you a picture and then you you literally started freaking out like you watch cnn
or fox news for two hours
that's always a great thing to do watch those for a couple two three hours and
they get you all
panicked what you want to do is you want to switch between the two of them
right and then you balance
out the lies and you keep yourself level-headed you know fake news it's all
fake news um
so anyways i don't want to be like that i want to be that guy okay god bless
you millennials i'm
sure there's there's plenty of guys guys on the way you're out there fucking
crushing ass and god bless you
joy your youth joy your fucking youth before it's memorial day and suddenly you're
that guy with the
dad bod standing in front of the grill feeling that tightness in your achilles
you know you got
to reach for that last burger on the back of the fucking grill and you just
start feeling that
tightness in your ankle and you're like god if it's gonna happen please don't
let it happen now
not in front of my family back east um nobody has guessed the movie by the way
that i am referring to
we had problems with the family back east
uh this i was gonna say i'd give you a hint but this isn't really a hint in my
opinion that movie
it's a car movie for me i just feel like that movie's a car movie other people
thought there
was some philosophical question you know who's the fly who's the windshield
all i remember from that movie was i love the car because i love a sleeper
i remember the car that was a sleeper and then i just remember that there was
this one guy
was having problems with the family back east and that explained his entire
backstory
that's now if you guys can't guess it now i don't know what the i don't i don't
know what to tell you
all right they had a pizza
yeah can i get uh can i get a sausage and arugula yeah we got no arugula
oh you know i mean arugula yeah we had family we had problems with the family
back east they won't
give us arugula
um anyway so what'd you guys do this weekend um othe