Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-16
Uploaded: 2017-06-09T06:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 9th 2016 what's going on how you doing there fuckos um oh freckles laying
on his back
trying to get rid of the sciatica it's much better sciatica sciatica a lot of
people don't
know that was the original lyrics to panama you know david lee wanted to say
you know sciatica
and eddie wanted to and alex wanted panama and michael anthony's like come on
guys you know
except he said in a much higher voice can we fucking just get along here and
david ended up
giving in to the brothers and that's what next thing you know he was on his own
i'm just a gigolo
so um yeah my back's doing uh it's doing much better slowly but surely i've
kind of found out
it's going to sort of work itself out if i just don't have to sit on my fucking
ass from here to
jacksonville every other week but that's the life that i live you know this is
the weirdest injury ever
usually if you're fucked up sitting down you know and resting is a good thing
this thing i just got
to kind of i gotta uh lay down i'm a mess i'm taking that fucking ibupro i don't
even what the
fuck it is some anti-inflammatory thing i'm stretching like a fucking nhl goalie
trying to get everything
all fucking undone down there but i don't know what's going on i don't know but
it is uh it is
getting better but i um i flew all the way back today from uh jacksonville uh
had a great time and by
the way here's here's some uh here's some advice for you when you're out on the
road and you're gonna
get a breakfast all right unless you're in some mom-and-pop place and you can
see over the counter
you can watch them making your food which i don't necessarily really like to do
if you're gonna
order eggs don't ever order scrambled eggs i know what you're thinking why bill
why wouldn't you do
that because they got a giant fucking vat that they've made scrambled eggs are
the fucking oatmeal
of eggs when you go to restaurants it's just it's like the tray lasagna it's
just that here's your
fucking you know here's your fucking eggs especially like this morning the
place where i went
to jacksonville they ate at the chili's restaurant in jacksonville florida i
know you guys you're
jealous right oh my god he gets to see everything so me and forrest shaw who
murdered it all week
um we ordered the the whatever the american breakfast or something there and
your only option on the eggs
was scrambled okay now if that's the fucking case that means they got a giant vat
that was probably
made i don't know how long ago whatever the health code violation is plus five
minutes you know it's
been sitting so you got the rubber fucking eggs and then bacon they just make a
bunch of fucking bacon
they got that sitting to the side you know and then they had their bullshit
hash browns which you know
it was already all the whole fucking thing was already made the only thing that
really tasted good
was the biscuit so um if you're ever at the airport you know or if you go down
to the hotel you know
lobby for their continental breakfast um you always never order scrambled eggs
order eggs over easy
get an omelet you know um do something like that where they just aren't going
to just have the shit
already made um or you could do the gross shit with the syrup but that's going
to fuck your whole day
up i feel i mean not like i didn't order a big salty breakfast but for some
reason a salty breakfast as
bad as it is i can continue to function but if you get a waffle or pancakes or
french toast or that shit
you know you might as well just have somebody put you in a fucking sleeper hold
because
because you're going down and you're going down early um so anyway just a
little travel tip for you there
um so anyways you know all this past week uh the lovely nia my beautiful wife
was away
and i was telling you how immaculate i was keeping this place fucking immaculate
all right and um
i literally like there was no trash in any of the barrels all the fucking
pillows were all poofed up
look like it looked like a showroom the living room right i made the fucking
bed you know it was
spotless i wiped down my side of the fucking sink you know brush my teeth and
all that shit spotless
okay i got a car washed and waxed filled it up with gas all of that shit
everything was done went
through all the bills got the junk mail all the bullshit the recycling fucking
everything i did
everything right so i'm thinking she's gonna come home you know because i was
leaving and right as i was
leaving she was coming home so we're just missing each other right so i was
thinking when she came home
she was gonna be like like oh you know what i might have to bring her in for
this shit
you know what i'm gonna have to bring her in for this hang on one second hold
on one second
all right all right so i'm back here so anyways let me keep setting this up so
my whole thing
nia was that when you came home this place was going to be absolutely spotless
so you'd be like
oh my god that's so nice and then also you wouldn't feel like i was this
hopeless sap without you
because that always bugs me like when women go like they fall apart without us
like i'm like i've
never said that about you nor have i ever thought that it's i've never come
home after being away and
the place has been in shambles because you don't know what to do oh so i don't
know why all that effort
was for nothing no but you keep holding on to some idea of of something that
are you quoting an 80s song
what oh talking to the mic man spreading huh well i i gotta be on the fucking
couch here
um no i don't know what you're so concerned about that for like the place has
never been
disgusting or gross after i've gone away so i don't know why you have this big
hang-up about
you know i don't i don't get it you know what now i don't either well i'm
trying to think will you
fucking relax and let me work through my shit oh okay sorry what a jerk you're
telling this story
all right and then you're out so any don't i because i'm told what happened so
i'm fucking waiting i'm on
on the road on the road again and i'm in fucking hollywood florida right and
all i'm thinking is
oh the text message i'm gonna get oh it looks so great it's so wonderful to
come home to a nice clean
house that looks like a fucking showroom and what do i get i get a fucking videotape
from you
she's in the pantry now evidently something went bad in the pantry okay
something didn't go bad in
the pantry it's just some shit that's going down in the pantry there's some
shit going down in the
pantry so here's the deal i'm fucking down in the pantry i'm i'm here by myself
i'm writing on the
fucking show every night till seven o'clock at night i come home my brain is
fried i come home
i order a pizza i pour a scotch i eat and then i stare at the wall i go to bed
and i get right back
up and i'm we stare at the next draft and the next script that's been my life
so right i didn't in
defense of me okay the one fucking place i didn't go into so it was the pantry
it was the pantry stop
saying i don't like that word i just realized pantry pantry stop why i don't
like it it's just it's a
i don't know it's too close to panties in this food i don't like when food and
sex are combined
okay no i know you don't like that you think that's weird oh that nine and a
half weeks when
he's fucking her with all the groceries on her i just was like look either eat
or fuck not together
you know so anyways um so she sends me this video she's like bb how did you not
see this
right it just starts fucking giving me all this shit i'm like what the fuck all
right
and she pans up to the top of the fucking ceiling and there was what was it
there's larvae
larvae little yeah little moths modal what go it's an inside joke oh go ahead
inside with who
what the fuck are people listening to this when i when i when i do the
advertising
no yeah there's all this larvae there's moths and stuff because some like if
there's flour that's
been opened and it's not sealed up properly or grains or cereal they'll create
little moths like
if you have fruit out for too long it'll make fruit flies so that was what was
happening make fruit
flies it attracts them no it creates them from that i was just talking to terminex
guy about it they
just they i don't know flies come from apples listen yeah like if you have
fruit and stuff
out too long so an orange fucks an apple and then fucking nine months later you
get a fruit fly
you're like no there's no there's no womb in there that's making an apple no
bill that's not what i
mean it's not a fruit having sex that's what i'm saying that's what you're
saying you're saying
i'm saying that i'm saying they i listen i don't know i'm not a fucking terminex
person
what happens is those goddamn dirty moths fuck on those apples out in the orchard
no and they plant
their seed in there and then it comes out like alien okay bill there's not any
fruit in the pantry
okay stop pointing at me we have grains i'm just staring at your crush right
now it's so comfortable
though my lower back is so comfortable right now oh you know what i figured out
a thing to get for
you for that but anyway we'll get back to that but if you have grains and cereals
out exposed in like
this little closed environment where it gets warm it produces these larvae and
little flies and moths
and shit so that's what the guy just told me he's not saying it right well how
are you saying it are
you saying i'm saying please like tell me how you explain things and how clear
it is when you explain
things okay what i would say is like you know if you're having a cookout and
you leave food out
all of a sudden flies or ants show up but they don't come from the food that's
what he told me
oh but you keep saying they're coming from the apples and it's confusing me
you said it came from apples i said nothing about apples
i did not say it came from apples i would never say it came from apples i would
never say it came
you started throwing apples into the mix i was trying to explain to you about
grains and shit
all right maybe you're right no i was saying it's like fruit flies this is why
i sucked in school i
can't even hear what you're saying because you don't listen that's why you
goddamn add you don't
listen you don't listen and you start saying things and you said them and then
you attribute them to the
other person like it's so confusing to talk to you sometimes because you don't
listen oh it's so
fucking hard it is hard how about we were just watching the simpsons and you
watched the entire
episode and midway through it you were like why is that happening and i'm like
where did the blue
snake like a major plot point that had been explained not even five minutes
earlier but you don't pay
attention well how about this how about my fucking back is out and i was in
jacksonville florida
this morning how about that what does that have to do with anything that we're
talking about
well maybe i'm a little fucking you know not focusing on a fucking cartoon
okay you're such a baby when you travel too whenever you travel you fucking for
like one day
like oh my god i don't know how you do this and then it goes right out your
fucking head and then the
next next time i'm coming back off the road you're like oh let's go uh you know
suzy fricassee's
having a fucking hoo-ha down the fucking street you want to go to that when i
say no you flip out at me
i don't know what you're talking about yes you do you know exactly what you
know who she is too
suzy fricassee oh yeah she's that bro next to the thing all right so whatever
so she comes home and
evidently there's some sort of bug horror movie and you know how what infestation
infestation you
know how how the ladies react they don't like insects you know what i mean they
don't like insects
you would not have enjoyed that way the way men don't like cats i hate those
fucking things
there's nothing better than a cool cat i like a cool cat that chills