Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-17
Uploaded: 2017-06-13T23:59:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-13. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday june 12 2017 what's going on how are you um and i know what you're
thinking
yeah you're probably saying what do you mean it's time for the monday morning
podcast bill
it's so late what the fuck um hey it's late this week what are you you're never
late
you know you had you show up and your wife's like where were you we were
waiting well it's all cold
now you know and you want to look at her the way vince mcmahon looked at that
guy in the sports show
and go oh oh fucking slap a piece of paper out of her hand but you can't
because all your relatives
are there watching so then you got to sit there and make excuses oh the uh the
street light down
the street was busted so it was just blinking red or blinking you know yellow
so it was real slow and
there was water coming out of the sewers and uh some guy i mean i can believe
it some guy in a hang
glider square to hand to god hand to god he he got blown off course and he uh
he landed uh right right
on the side of the supermarket yeah hit the side of it he went down in the book
why can't you just admit
it's like you were late because you don't care about me all right it's not that
i don't care
about you it's just i just don't give a shit about this and i thought maybe if
i showed up a little
later then it'd be less minutes i'd have to spend at this are you saying you
don't like my relatives
yes no i'm kidding you know what i'm saying um god forbid any of my relatives
listen to this i like
all my relatives i got lucky i came from i came from a cool family and i
married into a cool family
you know what i mean so there you go now am i just covering my bases nobody
knows why can't
i get the fucking internet here i don't you know why because i spend nine
million i'm gonna i'm like
this do you know i still have cable i have a dish whatever and i get all the
packages and i know at
this point you have these cord cutters they just cut the cord and they they're
saying
fuck network tv fuck 60 minutes fuck all of that shit um i guess it's all just
gonna end up on the
computer and just every tv show is gonna have an app or every network is gonna
have an app and within
the app will be all the shows i'm sure that already exists because i know there's
hbo hot take or online
or streaming now whatever the fuck it's called summer slam showtime summer slam
whatever the
fuck they're calling it so i'm old school and the reason why i'm old school it's
not because i'm down
to earth man it's because i do not want to waste one second of my fucking life
trying to figure out
how the new shit works all right that's the reason i've always bought cars and
i drive them for a decade
i just keep changing the fucking oil that's what i do the only reason why i
went from the prius
to the jag is just because my daughter was coming and i was just like i better
buy a cool car before
she gets here or i'm gonna be and i never bought myself a cool car because i
don't know i've always
been a frugal son of a you know i didn't want that stupid you know when i was
you drive down the street with your whole cool ass car and everybody turn
around looking at you
i like blending in the background you know leave me alone dive bar dive bar
guard not not vip
not down there at the sushi restaurant where all the hang out with the cameras
you know whatever that fucking show is so anyways you know i had i had like a
really bad cab driver
back from lax i take cabs because i'm not downloading that fucking app onto my
phone and then you track
me and see where the fuck i am those uber cunts all right fuck them so yeah i
just take the taxi so i get
in the cab and we're driving he goes how do you want to go i go let's take the
fucking highways right
it's the middle of the day here so you know i always peek out the window as we
come into the land to see
what the old floral fizzy looks like and um so whatever we get on the goddamn
thing and i noticed
the guy's not in the hov lane i'm like buddy there's two of us here we are the
world we're saving
we're thinking locally and acting globally right this is greenpeace here we
have two people in a car
we get to use the diamond lane and he's like oh no i don't i don't have the
fucking uh he didn't have
the easy pass thing whatever it is and i'm like how come we don't have that he
goes well it costs money
in his accent uh it costs money yeah but this is your your job is driving
people around you if you
had that thing you could get people to and from where they're going and you
could you could pick up more
people right you could make more money so i'm in the back you know big hollywood
phony getting all
grumpy try oh look at look at look at bill oh look at him he's getting a taxi
cab he didn't forget where
he came from two seconds later i'm fucking bitching out this fucking poor old
bastard
in my own passive aggressive way just mumbling the back seat how the fuck do
you not have the
fucking thing this what the fuck i mean this is on me should i you should have
said that as you pulled
up or whatever right so then he just had no instincts you know we go to get off
our exit
you know onto another fucking highway so there's the long line that all the shitheads
weighed in and then there's the re ray ray leota line right you pay me going in
through the kitchen
people who work nine to five that was for schnooks right we didn't ask anything
we wanted we just we
just took it and then when it was all said and done you bust the joint out
right you take that you
go around everybody like you're still going straight in the last second you put
on your
right hand directional you get in somebody beeps at you who gives a and there
you are all right
those are basic skills that a cab driver should have and he gets in to the
soccer mom line and
i'm just like this guy is the worst and i was just like you know what he's an
old man he drives a cab bill
okay who gives a so then i just said you know what who gives a so then he goes
which
way do you want me to go which highway i go does it even matter at this point
it's like you're gonna sit in the longest i didn't say this part you're gonna
sit in the longest line
you don't have the hov thing i mean you want to just pull over and get some
lunch i mean
i don't know what the we're going here so anyways we get up to the my house
he goes how you paying i say credit card so he takes my credit card and he does
the whole thing
reaching through the little divider window there and then he hits no tip and i
go dude why'd you hit
no tip he goes he goes no i don't have the thing he goes i deserve to be
punished that's what he said
and i said jesus christ i'm not taking it to that level i was upset half an
hour i'm gonna tip you
he goes no i don't deserve a blah blah blah and i go don't don't fight that
just made me sad don't ever
say that so i never gave him 20 bucks cash and he's all being like oh i'll get
you change i don't want
the change you win is this how you do it maybe that's his scam he doesn't have
the thing and then
in the end he just puts his head down and goes oh i don't deserve a tip and
then a softy goes no yes
you do and then he gets 20 tip even though he's stuck at what he was doing and
he still doesn't
have to pay for the thing i think you know what i think i got i think i got uh
scammed
i think i fell for it i think i bought i bought a uh you know a vcr and they
open it up and it's
just a brick in the box remember that one that was the old scam back in the 80s
hey kid you want a vcr
50 bucks you hand it to you and you run away with the box you open it up there
was a brick in there
brilliant brilliant scam you know because even if they ask to open up the box
you know what's in
there so all you got to do is if they go to open it you just grab the brick
before they do and you
smash them over the head then you take everything in his wallet sort of fail
safe you know
unless the guy's bigger than you then as he goes to open you just go cops cops
cops and you grab the
box and you get the out of the i don't know what i'm talking about so anyways i
had a great weekend um
i went up to the uh i went up to montreal montreal with uh sir paul verzi on uh
andrew themilis
and uh we did the olympic theater on my birthday saturday night and you
probably wanted hey bill
why did why would you do stand-up on your birthday it's because i wanted to go
to the formula one formula
one race on june 11th and when i booked it i wasn't thinking june 10th is my
birthday i just saw june
11th and that's not an important day to me you know it's how dumb i am it didn't
dawn on me that my
birthday was the day before so anyways i go up there and um i go out when andrew
brought me up he goes uh
keep it going for the birthday boy and he brought me out and the crowd sang me
happy birthday it was
awesome i had a fun show i get off stage and i walked down to the green room
and um some people
from just for laughs were there and they had got me this this unbelievable
cured meat from some place
with bread and they had all like the uh what's that kids movie um you know
where the cars talk
what is that is it called cars i don't know i don't you know i just i'm new to
the kid game
whatever so they had those all up there like i was a five-year-old and then my
lady had sent me
up a bottle of johnny walker blue which is funny because i was trying to be
billy no fun and i was
telling her how great i felt not drinking and getting eight hours sleep and i'm
talking to my birthday and
she goes hey you ought to have a couple tonight you have a couple tonight i was
like yeah why do you
always do this to me i'm trying to do the right thing i'm trying to go to bed
early and you're
always like bill you're not an alcoholic stop being so dramatic you know and
then i realized oh it's
because she got me the johnny walker blue so i called her up and then she you
know we had a good
laugh about that so i had a little shot of that before i did the second show
and then the second show
at the end of that versi and themilus brought out a cake with candles on it and
and everyone was singing
happy birthday again it's a 1400 seater i had 2800 people unless people didn't
like my act towards
the end sing me happy birthday was one of the best birthdays i've ever had so i'm
an i go to
blow out the candles and i go i gotta make a wish i gotta make a wish i'm in
montreal i go i wish for a
bruins stanley cup championship next year they're all like but it was funny
though it was their reaction
made me laugh and i blew out part of the candles without the rest of them so i
guess we're not
winning next year but uh i really want to thank everybody that came out i had
such a great time
both shows and that really is one of the great cities um that i've ever been to
i love that place
i wish i had more time to spend there but um you know i kind of flew up and uh
i was just tired from
that whole week of uh running around running my yap promoting the show so i
just sort of went into the
fetal position before the show i didn't get to walk around and see anything
then i did the two shows
and uh then i went right back to bed went right to bed and got eight hours
sleep and then woke up and
went to my first formula one race which i have to tell you lived up to the hype
um
i don't even know where to begin as far as like going out to just see seeing
this event that i don't
even know what like a year and a half ago i sort of knew the sport existed i
mean i knew about it but
i wasn't you know doing all this uh being you know watching every single race
so now to finally
show up you know with that going on was like uh i don't know how to explain it
like the cars them
just seeing the cars alone was like seeing a celebrity to me like oh that's a
ferrari that's
that's that's the fucking that's the mercedes team oh there's the fuchsia the
force india team you know
it was incredible it was just an incredible experience we get there we you k