Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-17
Uploaded: 2017-06-15T22:02:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-15. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in on you to see how your week's going.
Have you almost made it too funny? I am in New York City. If I can wake up in a
city that blows me just for being there, and wear my fucking sweatpants while
eating Tad's steaks.
There's so many people not making it into New York, but they play that fucking
song, and everybody thinks they're making it, right?
These fucking homeless people are taking public shits on the subway grates, and
they drop down on Wall Street people.
No, that was the 90s. It all gradually went away. It all went away, and now
there's like bicycles and chairs in the streets.
This is all shit I might be talking about tonight. I am in New York for my
final press stop, and then I am done.
Hyping the, for the most part, I'm done hyping the second season of Efforts for
Family.
I told you it was out there. Take it or leave it. You either want to watch it
or you don't.
I'm going to be doing Stephen Colbert tonight.
However, it will not air until tomorrow.
So one of the hardest things about doing his show tonight is, aside from the
fact, I believe he tapes at the Ed Sullivan Theater,
which is where I used to do stand-up when I did Letterman, which is where the
Beatles, you know, did their thing,
which is where Jackie Mason allegedly flipped off somebody, you know, when he
still maintains he didn't back on the Ed Sullivan show.
Okay?
And who's kidding who? If you want to go far enough back, I'm sure there was
some Native Americans just chilling out there,
eating a fucking rabbit, thinking, look at this paradise. It's like the entire
strip of Manhattan.
It all looks like Central Park.
And the other Indian, Native American goes, what the fuck is Central Park?
And then he points to a ship of white people coming over the horizon.
Ah, these fucking people will tell you about it.
The first fucking Quakers.
Were they Quakers? What's the difference between Quakers and those people with
the buckles on their hat that first stopped off at Plymouth Rock,
if that ever happened?
On the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Marina.
Santa Maria.
Nina, the Pinta, and Santa Maria. It's not like they're from Spain, right?
Why were they a bunch of white people from England riding in Spanish boats?
This is like F1.
Let me get this straight.
This is the team from India, yet they have a Mercedes engine?
All right, I'm all over the map.
I'm all over the map.
I need to get focused.
All right?
I am pretty focused. I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
Oh, Billy, no fun.
You know, it was Billy, you know, half of fun.
You know, because I was still celebrating my birthday.
So I had a couple of glasses of wine, you know, sitting there like I was
sophisticated, like I read, you know, like I was a socialite.
Like I was the kind of person that you just invite to a party because I'm an
interesting person to have there.
You know, you ever seen that?
Like in France, they still have socialites.
They some, I don't know how they make a living, but they're just these people
who don't really have jobs.
And if you have a party, it's not a party unless you invite this person and
everybody's dying to get into the circle that they stand in to discuss anything
from art to world politics to fashion.
Not saying that fashion isn't an art form, okay, for all the fucking dressmakers
who listen to this.
I have a lot of dressmakers, by the way, that listen to this podcast, you know.
A lot of them always have to stop and hit rewind because some of their sequins
hit the floor and they couldn't quite make out what I was saying.
What am I saying?
My voice is in the same register as sequins hitting the floor?
I think I am.
I think that's the most roundabout way anybody has ever called themselves, you
know, a bit of a Nancy boy.
Oh, you mean the guy with the sequin-toned voice?
All right.
What am I saying here?
Okay.
I have a major, major announcement on so many different levels here.
All right?
I hope you're sitting down.
I'm pregnant.
Okay?
I was taking these hormones to try and lose weight and I grew a womb somehow.
I got abs, but, you know, there's always, you know, you can't have your cake
and eat it.
And somehow I got pregnant, you know?
You wouldn't think, you know, I somehow, while jerking off, sorry.
Anyways, what I want to say here is Verzi's, Paul Verzi, I'm doing this bad.
All right.
The All Things Comedy Network is going to be producing their first hour-long
stand-up special.
And the person who we picked to do it is my good friend, friend of the podcast,
one of the four horsemen on the road that I take out there, Paul Verzi, is
going to be doing a special.
Tickets are on sale now.
All right?
All right.
All right.
And this, actually, the idea of this was brought to us by his good friend,
Saturday Night Live's own, Pete Davidson.
Pete Davidson, All Things Comedy, Al Madrigal, and myself are all going to be
involved with producing this stand-up special.
And me and Pete will be going on the night of Paul's shows.
He's going to be doing two shows on August 13th, one at 7 p.m., one at 9.30 p.m.
at the Tarrytown Music Hall in Tarrytown, New York, one of my favorite theaters
out there.
And Paul's obviously going to be closing, doing his special.
And in the beginning, me and Pete are going to mess around or whatever, do some
stuff, make you laugh, warm up the crowd for Paul.
And then Paul's going to absolutely kill it.
This is the biggest thing that I've done in my career.
I've never produced anything like this.
We're putting a lot of money out there.
Paul is a beast.
It would mean the world to me and to Paul and to his family back east, all back
east here, if you guys came down.
Tickets are only 20 bucks.
I'll be hanging out, meeting people after the show, whatever you want to do.
I'll fucking, whatever you want me to do.
Just whatever I have to do to fill this thing up so Paul Verzi can do his
special here.
So we're going to have the ticket link and everything like that.
The tickets are live.
Whatever.
You can buy them right now.
You can pull over in your car.
You can continue to drive and run that risk and try to buy tickets while you're
driving.
August 13th.
It's a Sunday night in August on the 13th, 7 p.m., 9.30 p.m.
The Tarrytown Music Hall.
It's going to be a huge night.
Really looking forward to it.
So, oh, and also, you know what else I forgot to bring up?
Holy shit.
The F is for family.
I tweeted about it.
We finally, we got some merch.
We got t-shirts.
We got some for the ladies, some for the men, you know, some for the boys and
girls.
We got everything down there.
You know, we got some Kevin shirts, Frank shirts, efforts for family shirts,
Vic shirts, you know,
and just when you think you have all the bases covered, people go, what about
this character?
Why don't you have his shit?
And I think because they're going mainstream at first, and then eventually
everybody will have some stuff.
All right?
Anyway, so let's get down to what the fuck went on this week.
The big story.
Yeah, da, da, da, boo, doo, doo, doo, Conor McGregor and Money Mayweather.
I don't even know his first name.
The Floyd.
Floyd Money, Money-Making, Get Money, Mayweather, are going to have a boxing
match in August.
Pay-per-view, what do you guys think about this?
Are you going to take your hard-earned paper that is backed by no gold?
Are you going to write a piece, a number on a piece of paper, stick it in
another piece of paper and mail it to the pay-per-view people to watch this
fight?
Do you think, A, this is fucking amazing, or B, this has got to be one of the
dumbest fucking things I've ever heard in my life?
You know me, I'm a fucking curmudgeon, but I'm also wrong a lot.
God knows that.
God knows I'm wrong.
I mean, I didn't know something the other day what somebody correct me on.
I didn't know about kryptonite, people.
You know?
And that's what I love about my fan base on this podcast.
They're smart enough, you know, when I make a major faux pas such as that of
not describing Superman's planet blowing up and what kryptonite really is.
You know, I will always regret that, and I'll never be able to apologize long
enough.
A lot of people had to apologize over the last couple of weeks in my industry,
and they put their controversies behind them.
But I don't think I'll ever outlive not knowing what kryptonite was.
And I accept full responsibility.
Anyways, this is like the dumbest fucking thing ever.
Okay?
Conor McGregor fights for a living.
Mayweather fights for a living.
But that's it.
So they're just going to box.
All right?
They're going to be wearing the fucking 16-ounce gloves, whatever the fuck a
boxer wears.
And this is the stupidest fucking thing ever.
This is like watching Durant go to the Warriors.
You know the Warriors.
It's over.
It's fucking over.
It's over.
Watching the Golden State Warriors win the NBA championship this year was
basically watching like a bad summertime movie.
It was big.
It was loud.
And you knew how it was going to end.
And it was, yeah, it was fucking boring.
Right?
By the way, congratulations.
I should at least do that.
Okay?
I mean, it's fucking, the Warriors are amazing.
It's actually bad that Durant joined them as far as like their legacy because
you really had a team that, you know, has the, already had the potential to be
like a dynasty.
They came within a couple of seconds of winning back-to-back without Durant
going there.
So congratulations to the Warriors.
Congratulations to their fans.
My condolences to any fan of basketball that enjoys competition and enjoys
seven-game series.
Congratulations to people who want to save the environment and want four people
in a fucking car.
The pylon team, that's the basketball team for you.
Because I just look at it as a metaphor.
There wasn't a lack of competition.
That was a thumbs up for the diamond lane.
Let's get all the stars in the same vehicle.
All right.
McGregor versus Mayweather.
This would basically be like if you took Jerry Rice in the prime of his career,
Tom Brady in the prime of his career,
and you're like, let's figure out who's a better football player.
But the only way you were going to measure that, it was how far they could
throw a football.
You weren't going to do the 40-yard dash.
You weren't going to see if they could catch.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
It's just Mayweather boxes.
They're going to have a boxing match.
Now, you know how fucking over this fight would be if McGregor was allowed to
use, you know, everything else that he does?
Taking it to the ground, the kicks, the fucking choking him out.
I mean, I don't know shit about the fight game, and I know this is fucking
stupid.
This is dumb.
What are you going to have next?
A fucking elephant versus a fucking cheetah, and they're going to have a foot
race?
One of the strongest animals ever.
One of the fastest animals ever.
Let's have a competition between the two of them based on nothing but speed.
Dump truck versus Lamborghini, both forms of transportation.
Yeah, I'll tell you what's going to be.
The only thing that's going to be interesting is if Mayweather can actually
knock him out.
He's a 40-year-old guy.
I know his hands, you know, I believe he has constant pain in them.
I'm a huge fan of both of them, and this is nothing more than a fucking money
grab.
This is a smash and fucking grab.
This is like when fucking, it's like when Bobby Riggs, this is like, I put this
in the
same, it's a better version of when Bobby Riggs played Billie Jean King, or
fucking Muhammad
Ali fought Lyle Alzado, or Hulk Hogan fought fucking Rocky Balboa, or whatever
the fuck.
I mean, this is, it's in that vein.
You know, I think it's really ironic that the circus just went out of business,
and now
they're having this pay-per-view.
I bet the same people who cashed out on the circus, speaking of elephants, they
got their
money behind