Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-16
Uploaded: 2017-06-16T06:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-16. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 16th, 2016.
How's it going? How are ya? How's your life? Are you liking your life? Are you
enjoying your life?
Do you hate your life? Would you like to make a change?
Well, fortunately, there's a solution. With my new seven-part, eight-track
tapes,
I'll help you turn around your life by making me a rich motherfucker.
First thing you do.
Anyways, I am in a great fucking mood. It's actually Sunday when I'm recording
this.
When I'm recording this, it's Sunday, and I got the fucking juices flowing,
baby!
Juices are flowing. Blood is flying through my system right now.
Heart rate is fucking wonderful.
You know why? Because I worked out the last two fucking days in a row in my
brand-new garage fucking gym!
Gym! Gym! Gym! Gym!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
My new fucking gym. It's finally done.
I went back, and I picked up my truck, you know?
My old fucking Ford truck that I had in storage while they finished it.
They did a phenomenal fucking job.
I outfitted the whole thing with a bunch of rogue fitness shit, and I never
fucking show you my house.
I might have to make a video.
I might have to show you.
It's a little fucking gym. It's a little cute gym.
I'll give you a little before and after, you know?
I might even wear my leg warmers for you.
I'll give you a quick fucking two-second tour of the goddamn thing.
I got my atomic holds up top, and I got to tell you, old Freckles, old Freckles
lost a lot of what little he had.
Holy shit.
I went under the pegboard.
I felt like, you know, the only first time you ever try to do a pull-up in your
life, it's almost like you were born without those muscles because you never
use them.
You know what I mean?
It's not like you go, oh, what's on top of the fridge?
You know, what do you do?
You jump up and down.
You use your calves.
You don't grab the top of it and fucking pull yourself up.
Your little stupid feet squeaking on the front of the fucking wee-wee-wee-wee
as you try to go up, which is cheating, by the way.
And if you ever made a video of it and you put it on YouTube, I'm sure there
would be hundreds of thousands of comments saying that it was an epic fail
refrigerator pull-up.
Because people like when you fail.
You know why?
Because they don't like themselves.
Anyways, so it's done, and I'm so fucking psyched.
Of course, there's a few little doodads we got to do.
Nia wants an elliptical in there, you know, which is fucking hilarious to me
because she could give a rat's fucking ass about this gym until it started
coming together.
And now she loves it, you know?
But what's great is it's the garage, and everybody knows that the woman, the
wife, the fucking lady over there, everybody knows that they get the house.
Guy gets the garage.
And see, the women think that they win because they got the fucking house,
right?
You don't want the house.
The house is where all the responsibility is.
The house is where the bills come to.
The house is where the fucking people knock on the door and the cops come.
They go to the fucking house.
Nobody.
Nobody goes to the garage.
The garage is fucking, it's genius.
You know?
You act like it's a shithole.
We'll go up to the garage.
They're like, yeah, yeah, get out of the house.
They don't give a fuck.
You go into the garage, that's it.
Yeah, she's got no fucking idea.
You wait until I get one of those little fucking kegerators out there.
I'm going to be doing keg stands as I do curls, right?
Taking in calories as I burn them off at the same time while getting shit-faced.
It's this new exercise video that I'm going to be putting out.
You know?
I don't know what I would call it.
You need alliteration, right?
Drunk dips or some shit like that, right?
Just to get people to buy it.
Alcoholic aerobics.
That's too wordy.
Not too wordy.
Too syllabally.
I don't know.
Whatever.
I'll brainstorm on it.
You know?
All you got to do is just have a fucking headband on and people will buy the
video.
If you promise them you're going to help them out, right?
You have a fucking headband on.
They spray a little fake sweat on you.
And then, you know, all you got to get is a couple of hotties behind you.
Just smiling and shit, right?
At the very least, somebody can jerk off to it, right?
The next thing you know, they start flying off the fucking shelves.
And then what do you do?
You add on to the garage.
You add on to the garage.
I've told you guys forever.
My dream fucking house.
My dream house.
I don't even know what the house looks like.
I just know what the garage looks like.
The garage, don't you see?
As my dad loved to say.
The garage, don't you see?
Would be a three-car garage, right?
One for me.
One for her.
And the other for whatever.
My old fucking truck.
All right?
And then upstairs.
Oh, they'd be an upstairs.
The upstairs would have a gym.
It'd have a drum room.
And a fucking cigar bar slash fucking sports bar.
That's what it would be.
Okay?
One door in, one door out.
Maybe a fucking little ladder to go up onto the roof to barbecue, right?
And that's, I think if every fucking guy had that, there's no fucking way you
couldn't be a happily married man.
Because you just could be in the house.
You got your kids running around.
Everybody's freaking the fuck out.
You know, I need a break.
I want to be fucking single.
You know?
Without the who is.
I just want to fucking just sit and drink.
Without you fucking people in my, what's left of my hair.
That's where the upstairs comes in.
And then you just go up there.
You have a great time.
While you slowly kill yourself.
You know?
And with every cigar you smoke and every drink you have, you know that you're
one close, one step closer to death.
Which is a great thing because it's a release.
You know?
I don't know.
It started off happy.
It got a little dark there towards you.
You wouldn't know that I'm a happily married man by saying all that stuff.
But I also am, by nature, I am a fucking loner.
And, you know?
I just, you know, I just need to get away from people every once in a while.
And, oh, dude, that would be the fucking shit, you know?
I have a couple of cool fucking dogs.
Those dogs that fucking lay around and like to howl, you know?
Like a fucking bloodhound.
Right?
Just sit there watching the game, getting hammered, you know?
Soundproof walls.
You can't hear your family.
You're just sitting in there.
Every once in a while.
You look over your fucking bloodhound.
Hey, Rusty!
Rusty!
Woo!
The dog would, woo!
Join with you.
Yeah, you fucking get it.
You fucking get it.
Right?
I hope you enjoyed that because that fantasy.
Oh, man.
That's it right there.
You know?
I don't know what it is.
Some people want the White House.
Some people want a fucking Oscar.
And then some people just would like to be able to get a tan
and have a two-story fucking garage.
That's it.
You know?
I'm part of that third group.
Part of the third group, everybody.
So anyways, I fucking went down there.
Used all that rogue fitness shit that I bought.
And like I said, you know,
these guys are not paying me or anything like that.
They actually sent me those colorful weights.
Now I don't know what the fuck to do with them
because I have more weight than I need.
So I got some stand-up shows coming up in the L.A. area.
If you're building a fucking gym, you know?
And how do I make this a fair contest?
I don't fucking know.
If you're building a gym and you listen to the podcast
and you want some colorful plates, some weights,
I got them because I was going to take it over to play it again.
Sam's play it again sports, whatever the fuck they are.
But they're just so goddamn insulting.
You know what I mean?
If you think that bald-headed cunt on the pawn shop show,
how we just fucking, you go in there,
no matter, you got a bar of gold and the guy's like,
yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, how much you want for this?
You're like, well, the market value is fucking whatever,
you know, fucking $1,200 an ounce.
Why don't you give me, give me a thousand an ounce?
And he's like, so what do you really want for it?
I don't want to fucking smash it over.
Go fuck yourself.
Like, what a fucking business.
People coming in, selling their old fucking hair dryers.
You know their ass out, right?
And you got to fucking take as much out of their crack as you can.
I get it.
You know what?
It's a business.
I'm going too hard on that guy.
God bless him.
God bless him.
All right?
So play it against sports is the same fucking way.
You'll come in with something with the price tag still on it.
Yeah, I'll give you like $1.50.
You know what I mean?
It's just like, I mean, they make Richard Rollins look like a saint.
I mean, these fucking guys bust you down so bad.
It's like whatever you're selling them.
It's like, how about I give it to you for free, but I get to hit you over the
head with it first.
How about that?
Don't give me any fucking money.
How about I just mush it right in your fucking, I'm not doing that.
So I would rather give it to a podcast listener for free, but I'm not shipping
these fucking things.
It's like, I don't know what it is.
I think it's 245 pound plates, 235s.
I don't know what it is.
They're fucking big and they're heavy.
That's all I know.
Whatever.
They're free.
Free weights.
So anyways, I went down there yesterday.
I did fucking chest and tris.
Today I did the upper body stuff, all the body weight shit.
Nia wanted this speed bag, which I thought was a little fucking stupid.
You know what I mean?
I always hated the speed bag.
Unless you really train him for a fight.
You know what I mean?
Then you go to your fucking cubicle.
It always seems silly.
It just seemed fucking disrespectful to people who actually fight for a fucking
living.
Like the level of respect that I have for people that do that for a fucking
living.
Just the fucking courage it takes to do that.
But of course, now it's up there and I'm down there.
So now, of course, now I'm going to get fucking obsessed with that shit.
I don't know what it's going to do for me.
I'm hoping it's going to bring my freckles out, you know.
Anyway, speaking of fights, did anybody watch UFC?
UFC?
Fighting out of the red corner.
Did anybody see the UFC 168?
Eight, eight, eight.
It was basically, I think the USA or the world versus Brazil.
And I think Brazil, once again, proved that they are, you know, if you want to
fucking get into a fight slash be in the missionary position with another
person.
If you think you're coming out on top, it ain't happening.
They pretty much dominated the fucking night.
But except for this one guy, and I'm not going to know the names.
And I actually tweeted the guy.
I'm still not going to remember his name.
He has a very fucking unique name.
And was fucking, he's fighting this guy.
And this guy's making all these silly faces when he's going.
And they're going like the Brazilian dude.
I guess he was a champion.
Or he is a champion.
That's right.
He's a champion.
And then he fucking, ah, Jesus Christ.
I was having a few when I was watching this.
He fucking, he was fucking, he was a champion.
And he was supposed to fight.
He got hurt.
So he wanted to make sure he was 100%.
So he's coming down.
He's making all these silly faces and shit.
And I just remember the announcers going like, look at him.
It was like the biggest fight he's had in three years.
And he's making faces at the camera.
He's not even nervous.
Right.
All of this shit.
Right.
And then here comes the fucking white dude.
He fucking, you know, old Dudley Do-Right.
He's got a police officer's haircut.
You're like, this guy could have been a state trooper.
And he's fucking coming down.
And I'm like, all right, well, let's see what's going to go on here.
The white dude seems to be in a little better shape.
The Brazilian guy, surprisingly, for a champion, has a little bit of a dad bot.
You know what I mean?
And whatever.
They start going at it.
And, you know, white boy's taking it a little bit.
He's giving it bac